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This spectacularly ill-conceived movie is what happens when a cheap ripoff cannot even rise to the level of crass Hollywood junk. I’m “biast” (pro): nothing

I’m “biast” (con): nothing

(what is this about? see my critic’s minifesto)

The story of Noah’s ark is rather bizarre in its original incarnation, but what this cheap European animated film does with it is almost beyond comprehension. And not in a good way.

Not everyone is gonna get a berth on the ark — ya gotta be on the list, like it’s a hot nightclub or something — and Nestrians Dave (the voice of Dermot Magennis) and his son, Finny (the voice of Callum Maloney), don’t rate. What the heck are Nestrians? Imagine stuffed carnival prizes designed by a kindergartner come to annoying life. (Finny, who has no fins, is constantly threatening to hug anyone who will stand still.