One day you're going to open a box of your childhood toys and smell this book. You'll know it immediately. Oh, it's those horrendous flowers of Paul'sOne day you're going to open a box of your childhood toys and smell this book. You'll know it immediately. Oh, it's those horrendous flowers of Paul's, you'll think.
The book is non-gender-normative. Paul likes flowers. (He seems to gravitate towards ones that smell like grandmothers.) Daddy is...well, Daddy is pretty.
[image]
Bunny is big. How big is bunny? Soooooooo big! Bunny is vaguely menacing, especially in Judy's book within a book that, like Arabian Nights or If On a Winter's Night a Traveler, expands and undermines the universe of the book we're reading. Who is this story about? Is it Paul and Judy? Is it the bunny? Is it you?
[image]
Written in 1940, Pat the Bunny was the progenitor of a whole series of touchy children's books, reaching their unholy apex with the That'sNotMy... series. It's changed not a bit in 75 years. My kid is into it. He waves bye-bye to Paul and Judy. Can you wave bye-bye to Paul and Judy? Paul and Judy will be back for your child's child. Paul will bring flowers. They will still smell fucking terrible.
Merged review:
One day you're going to open a box of your childhood toys and smell this book. You'll know it immediately. Oh, it's those horrendous flowers of Paul's, you'll think.
The book is non-gender-normative. Paul likes flowers. (He seems to gravitate towards ones that smell like grandmothers.) Daddy is...well, Daddy is pretty.
[image]
Bunny is big. How big is bunny? Soooooooo big! Bunny is vaguely menacing, especially in Judy's book within a book that, like Arabian Nights or If On a Winter's Night a Traveler, expands and undermines the universe of the book we're reading. Who is this story about? Is it Paul and Judy? Is it the bunny? Is it you?
[image]
Written in 1940, Pat the Bunny was the progenitor of a whole series of touchy children's books, reaching their unholy apex with the That'sNotMy... series. It's changed not a bit in 75 years. My kid is into it. He waves bye-bye to Paul and Judy. Can you wave bye-bye to Paul and Judy? Paul and Judy will be back for your child's child. Paul will bring flowers. They will still smell fucking terrible.
Merged review:
One day you're going to open a box of your childhood toys and smell this book. You'll know it immediately. Oh, it's those horrendous flowers of Paul's, you'll think.
The book is non-gender-normative. Paul likes flowers. (He seems to gravitate towards ones that smell like grandmothers.) Daddy is...well, Daddy is pretty.
[image]
Bunny is big. How big is bunny? Soooooooo big! Bunny is vaguely menacing, especially in Judy's book within a book that, like Arabian Nights or If On a Winter's Night a Traveler, expands and undermines the universe of the book we're reading. Who is this story about? Is it Paul and Judy? Is it the bunny? Is it you?
[image]
Written in 1940, Pat the Bunny was the progenitor of a whole series of touchy children's books, reaching their unholy apex with the That'sNotMy... series. It's changed not a bit in 75 years. My kid is into it. He waves bye-bye to Paul and Judy. Can you wave bye-bye to Paul and Judy? Paul and Judy will be back for your child's child. Paul will bring flowers. They will still smell fucking terrible....more
Top Five Dogs In General 5. Big idiot golden retrievers who are constantly knocking things over with their tails 4. Old dogs who come over and collapse on your feet so you have to pet them 3. Rottweilers 2. Pit bulls 1. Rescue mutts...more
My kid goes running through the park today, what is he running for, is it a squirrel or a soccer ball, no, he saw a garbage truck. Then he just stood My kid goes running through the park today, what is he running for, is it a squirrel or a soccer ball, no, he saw a garbage truck. Then he just stood there, next to it, grinning happily. It was parked in the park because the two dudes in it were getting high. They waved cheerfully to my kid, my kid waved ecstatically back. I stood there awkwardly. Garbage dudes are not nice to you but they are nice as shit to little kids. A lot of people are like that.
[image] Different truck, obviously, I'm not gonna narc those garbage dudes out.
Point is I can't tell you how many times I've read this fucking book. Here's what it's about, it's about trucks that go to sleep. Let's rate the trucks.
Crane Truck: Crane Truck hangs a nightlight from his crane before he goes to sleep, that's pretty cute. He has a teddy bear. Four stars. [image]
Cement Truck He gets a bath? That's not that exciting. That's not even a cement mixer-specific thing. Lame. My wife says: "I don't like his face." Two stars. [image]
Dump Truck It's clever how his Z's get incorporated into the building. Three stars. [image]
Bulldozer This one is my favorite, look, he made a dirt pillow. He's taking a dirt nap. Five stars. [image]
Excavator "Excavator" is my kid's favorite word, but this guy isn't doing anything. Bulldozer made a whole pillow, and Excavator's just...what is that, two piles? I think it sucks. My wife disagrees. She says he looks "cozy." "But that's just dirt," I argue. "Cozy," she replies firmly. Three stars. [image]
My kid likes trucks, is what I'm saying. Trucks are heavily anthropomorphized creatures around here. You do what you gotta do. No more huffing and puffing, team; it's time to rest your heads and dream....more
This lovely children's book is a fun, rhyming hide and seek game featuring favorite characters from storybooks. My child loves turning the pages and lThis lovely children's book is a fun, rhyming hide and seek game featuring favorite characters from storybooks. My child loves turning the pages and looking for WHAT THE BLOODY SHIT, IS THAT BEAR ARMED?! That's not even a grown bear! That bear is a child! Jesus pond-skipping Christ, is he just wandering around in the woods with his safety off? He literally just came within a foot of shooting a baby!
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Okay - well - look, I guess the baby's okay. I mean...the bearlet shot him out of a tree and he landed in a river, but they fished him out and all's well that ends well? (That's the real plot!) Let's - look, let's try to move on. On each page, a simple rhyming couplet introduces the storybook character who's hiding. (You'll need a Boston accent for Cinderella!) It's great fun to SWEET PONY-RIDING CHRIST IT'S THAT FUCKING UNDERAGE BEAR AGAIN AND HE'S STILL ARMED
[image] "Should we teach him about the safety?" "Nah" haha look at the bunnies, the bunnies know what the fuck is up
Look, it's a fun book. My kid loves it. But how many armed bears do you want in these woods?...more
One of the great children's classics, and one of my kid's favorite books, and one of mine too. I love the beautiful art - the snowflakes on the last pOne of the great children's classics, and one of my kid's favorite books, and one of mine too. I love the beautiful art - the snowflakes on the last page, and the pattern on Peter's mom's dress. I love how uncalculated it is, how little it seems to be trying. It operates on a young kid's wavelength.
This year around the holiday season there were Snowy Day stamps, and every card we got that had one, my kid got all excited. "Nowy Day!" he would yell.
There's a statue of Peter and his dog, by the way, at a quirky little playground in a corner of Brooklyn's Prospect Park. Here it is:
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If you want to visit, it's called the Imagination Playground, and it's right behind the LeFrak Center (where you go ice skating). Be forewarned that the dog is extremely well-endowed. Yeah, I too find that judgment questionable.
So anyway it finally snows and we're all excited, right? We point out the window. Nowy Day! And we bundle him all up and we take him outside for his very first snowy day, and he's like...
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"Dirty," he says. Pointing at snow that hasn't even hit the ground yet. "Dirty. Cold outside." He is having none of it.
So look, five stars for literature but if we were rating it on how good its case for snowy days actually is, I'm afraid my kid would tell us that it's fiction....more
No! That's not my tractor! Look, you can see, right here, the funnel is much too smooth. A guy like me, I'd never have a smooth fIs this your tractor?
No! That's not my tractor! Look, you can see, right here, the funnel is much too smooth. A guy like me, I'd never have a smooth funnel like that.
adjusts light so it's shining directly in face Is this your tractor?
No! I swear it isn't! Look! The seat is too scratchy! My bottom is far too sensitive for this scratchy seat!
slamming hands on table
DAMMIT, IS THIS YOUR TRACTOR?
The - the wheels! Oh God, the wheels! So...so squashy!
Think you're a tough guy, huh? We'll see whose tractor is whose in Room 101. Get this -
- "Wait a minute, Jim. Things are getting a little rough in here, don't you think? Let me talk to him. Just give me a minute with him. Listen, fella - you want a cigarette? Sure you do. We're not out to get you. We just want to know about the tractor. Look - how about this one, huh? Got some pretty shiny headlights on it, hey? Is - look, just between you and me, chief. Whisper it in my ear. Is
this
your
tractor?
*leaning forward to hear...so close - so close - *...more
The plot of this one is, some kid tries to grow a carrot and everyone shits on him. "That'll never work," say his parents. "What a terrible plan," sayThe plot of this one is, some kid tries to grow a carrot and everyone shits on him. "That'll never work," say his parents. "What a terrible plan," says his brother. But the kid waters it and - wait for it - it grows! Of course it grows, it's a fucking carrot. Do you know how easy it is to grow a carrot? It's like one step up from crab grass. So the lesson here isn't so much "Believe in yourself" as "You're surrounded by assholes," which is true but I don't know that my kid needs a book to rub it in for him. He hangs around with me a lot; he probably already knows....more
A schtick evolves by the hundredth time you read a children's book. There are perhaps dance moves associated with it. There's almost certainly some caA schtick evolves by the hundredth time you read a children's book. There are perhaps dance moves associated with it. There's almost certainly some call-and-response. A tune may develop. This book, about the world's worst farmer and his efforts to sort out the bedlam on his poorly-run farm, is best delivered as a rap.
The thing with this book is that it's really quite a bit of work for you. Every page has, whatever, a tow truck or something, and then this onomatopoeThe thing with this book is that it's really quite a bit of work for you. Every page has, whatever, a tow truck or something, and then this onomatopoeic explosion of noises that you're expected to translate. Like, here's a page:
[image]
That's difficult! There's a lot going on there! There are like ten other pages, too! I've done work on this book, on my own time, like, cracking down, how am I going to pronounce "Burbaba"? I'm fucking amazing at it, don't get me wrong, if there's one thing I was born to do it's read this exact book to a toddler. I'm just saying this book demands commitment. It requires your A game. Don't think you can get by just, like, saying "Burbaba." That's not what a garbage truck does at all....more
Five stars to the title: this is absolutely the best title on my kid's shelf. One star to the pages: I'm more confused about quantum physics now than Five stars to the title: this is absolutely the best title on my kid's shelf. One star to the pages: I'm more confused about quantum physics now than I was before I read it, and I was pretty fucking confused before. My toddler is incurably bored by the whole thing....more
Here is the first betrayal in a long life of betrayals, child. Your parents told you it was a classic, didn't they? Their eyes were probably limpid wiHere is the first betrayal in a long life of betrayals, child. Your parents told you it was a classic, didn't they? Their eyes were probably limpid with nostalgia as they gave it to you. "It's about imagination," they simpered. And you took it in your grubby little hands, and you put it in your grubby little mouth, and you thought, "THIS IS BORING."
"But it's about how creativity can take you anywhere!" they cried. And "yeah," you babbled: "Anywhere purple." Because that's all it is, child, isn't it? It's just purple lines. "No," they protest, "it's pie and dragons!" Scribbly purple pies and dragons, and not the real thing. The real pie is in the refrigerator, the real dragons are in your sofa fort, and this is boring.
You might as well know now, child: your parents are boring. Your teachers are boring. You will be assaulted on all sides by books that grown-ups think are good for you, and they will be boring. By the end of it, the love of reading will be crushed out of your body and you will become a lawyer.
They are all boring. Did your parents honestly like them? Yes, they did, because they were never children like you. They were born small adults, and they became big adults, and they have always liked boring things. Throw this book behind the changing table where no parent can retrieve it, and read these instead:
On a recent morning the grandmothers got into a contest: who can remember more of Madeline by heart. They both did very well. My wife and I are gettinOn a recent morning the grandmothers got into a contest: who can remember more of Madeline by heart. They both did very well. My wife and I are getting there. Madeline means a lot to us, partly because we grew up with it, and partly because on our kid's stomach is also a scar - his guts were like all in the wrong place or whatever - so it has Special Meaning for us.
[image] I'm the one on the left. I know it's hard to tell.
But also it means a lot to our kid, who if you show him Madeline and any other book in the world will definitely pick Madeline, and if you show him two different books he may very well just complain until you go get Madeline. He loves this book, and we don't know why. He doesn't speak English and he's never been to Paris. Maybe he likes that Joanne and I collapse in hysterics every time we get to the doctor dialing DAN-ton ten six, which by the way is also the name of our imaginary children's band, but this is far from the only children's book that makes us collapse in hysterics. We think he has an eye for design - he also likes Charley Harper and Andy Warhol, don't ask, or go ahead and ask, what do I care, the answer is we're pretentious - so maybe it's just those terrific evocative scribbles of Bemelmans'. They're incredible, right? This one is my favorite, Notre Dame in rain.
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Who cares why, anyway, this is his very first favorite book and he has impeccable taste so far. Some day maybe he'll read it to his kid, and he'll know it by heart too....more
"That's not my baby," our protagonist tells us. "Her mittens are too fuzzy." The baby in question is brown. The previous baby was pink. We suspect our"That's not my baby," our protagonist tells us. "Her mittens are too fuzzy." The baby in question is brown. The previous baby was pink. We suspect our protagonist is making things more complicated than they need to be.
"That's not my baby," she continues. "Her teddy is too fluffy." We find it impossible to read this page without using our porno voices.
We sympathize with the protagonist, in a way. When we pick our baby up from day care, we sometimes have a moment when we think, "Oh shit: which one is ours?" Babies look similar. We look for the one who seems pleased to see us. We hope this has been a good strategy.
There are two brown babies at our day care. We know they are not ours, even though they are not wearing mittens.
Our baby, or anyway the one who is at our house, loves the last page where there is a mirror. He opens the book to that page and laughs and closes it again. He does this many times. Then he starts crying. We don't know why. Perhaps he has realized that he is not our baby. If so, we apologize. Your baby is very friendly. We're not saying this is all his fault. Some of it is our baby's fault. He should have been more pleased to see us....more
I don't ask for much but I am going to need everyone in this family to keep track of their own fucking tummies. I don't ask for much but I am going to need everyone in this family to keep track of their own fucking tummies. ...more
This was a gift from the lovely Jennifer D. and it's my favorite book to read to my baby. It's simple and joyous and the illustrations are beautiful. This was a gift from the lovely Jennifer D. and it's my favorite book to read to my baby. It's simple and joyous and the illustrations are beautiful. It manages to be sweet without being sentimental. (I mean, not too sentimental...the bar is set at Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You, so that's pretty low.)
[image] "Let's all dance, let's all sing"
and you're like yeah, my dog gets overexcited too. That's exactly what this is like....more
I don't personally like this book as much as Baby Faces. It contains huge, colorful flaps that show baby talk, and I'm not really a "Can you say ma-maI don't personally like this book as much as Baby Faces. It contains huge, colorful flaps that show baby talk, and I'm not really a "Can you say ma-ma?" type of parent. Kid can learn a sentence if he wants to talk to me. But Nathan definitely likes it way better than Baby Faces, because he likes the flaps. So this is really a question of whose opinion do you value more, mine or a baby's.
Speaking of multiculturalism in baby books, though, there's only one African-American baby in this book and here he is: [image] Flap: "Boo-hoo!"
Here is a white baby: [image] Flap: "I understand white privilege but I'm still keeping the toy"
I mean, I get it and all, I've read Ta-Nehisi Coates too, it just seems like a pretty bleak metaphor to be foisting on a baby....more
One of my kid's favorite books (to put in his mouth). It shows pictures of babies in various moods. This claims to help a kid's social development, whOne of my kid's favorite books (to put in his mouth). It shows pictures of babies in various moods. This claims to help a kid's social development, which sounds like it might be taking itself a little seriously.
The thing that keeps it from being a five-star book for me is this kid right here: [image] This kid fuckin' sucks at peek-a-boo. He's not hidden at all! Fuck this kid.
BTW you know what this makes me think about is it must be rough to be a racist parent. This book has a wonderful assortment of babies of many different colors. Racist parents are probably like man, what do you have to do to find a book with just white babies. ...more
Nathan suddenly started reaching for pages during this book, so I think we can safely say that he's learned how to read at 14 weeks. He is a genius!
OtNathan suddenly started reaching for pages during this book, so I think we can safely say that he's learned how to read at 14 weeks. He is a genius!
Other Skills My Son Has Already Totally Nailed - Punching self in face - Eating own shirt - Staring at bright lights - Creating chins - Flailing
Cecily suggested that I get him started on writing reviews, which I have done. Here's what he has to say: "The body of literature in this household is inconsistent regarding its fauna population. What exactly is the timeline here? Do the events of this book, in which the elephant is too big and I send it back, occur before or after I locate my elephant based on his tusk smoothness? I was under the impression that the giraffe successfully overcame its problematic height by learning to dance. I'm unable to confirm anything at all regarding the provenance of the bunny. Did the zoo send that as well? Why doesn't the zoo just ask me what kind of animal I would prefer? The 'ship first, question later' method seems ineffective. Honestly, I see no reason to have only one animal in the - ooh, lightbulb."...more
This is our favorite book about sleeping babies. It advises all naps, all the time - the adage that "sleep begets sleep" is currently in vogue. (Its pThis is our favorite book about sleeping babies. It advises all naps, all the time - the adage that "sleep begets sleep" is currently in vogue. (Its primary champion is Marc Weissbluth, whose Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child I haven't read.) When your mother tells you to keep them awake during the day so they'll sleep better at night, says Kennedy, she is full of shit. You'll make him overtired, at which point his body will release adrenaline, thinking something is wrong, at which point he'll be beyond sleep, in the crying zone, and now you're fucked. That sounds familiar, oh parent, doesn't it? Yes, it does.
Instead, Kennedy recommends looking for signs that he's tired - "doing anything other than smiling delightedly at you" is close enough - and then setting up a careful series of Pavlovian triggers to make him fall asleep, after about 75-90 minutes during the day and then all night starting around 7 pm. This seems great, because then we can just go out to bars. Parenting is easy!
But if you're still having trouble, Kennedy also has this advice:
There will come a time when your baby is so stimulated by you that she can't easily fall asleep in your arms (and possibly in your presence). The time has come to put the baby down.
The Old Yeller treatment sounds extreme, but I can see how it would permanently solve the problem. And Nathan's cutest days may be behind him anyway....more
