Comedy Humor Quotes

“Personally I would never want to be a member of any group where you either have to wear a hat, or you can't wear a hat."”
― George Carlin

“I just looked at the calendar and realized- my days are numbered”
― Johnny Moscato

“If you call a gypsy a vagabond, I think you do him wrong,
For he never goes a-travelling but he takes his home along.
And the only reason a road is good, as every wanderer knows,
Is just because of the homes, the homes, the homes to which it goes.”
― Joyce Kilmer

“Martha saw that Anna-Greta had really met Mr. Right. The man had a hearing aid. He probably turned it off.”
― Catharina Ingelman-Sundberg, The Little Old Lady Who Broke All the Rules

“11 pm: Heart’s pounding, hands shaking. Have these knots in my stomach. But drinking isn’t an option. Maa is sleeping with me. Baba in Lalitaji’s room. And she on the sofa.
Want to step into the toilet, take one swig, and then go directly to sleep. How the hell will Maa know? I mean she’s sleeping like a log. No, no, shouldn’t. What if she wakes up? She’s a light sleeper, after all.
11.30 pm: No wine. Or vodka. Terrible, terrible night. When will they go back to Kolkata and let me be?
11.32 pm: Chhi . . .Chhi . . . How selfish am I? My parents, one with a heart condition, spent thousands on flight tickets and landed in Chennai. Why? Because they wanted to spend time with their widowed daughter. And what does the daughter want? To sneak into the toilet and take one good swig of wine. Shame on her!
Okay, now I’m being over-dramatic.”
― Chitrangada Mukherjee, Secret Diary of an Incurable Romantic

“If one starts a serious cgange, the beginning has to be with comedy.”
― Sandeep Sahajpal, The Twelfth Preamble: To all the authors to be!

“I took a couple steps away from him and stopped in front of a framed colored poster of Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable from the movie Gone with the Wind. I studied the pair, Gable with his mysterious mustache and Leigh in her red ball gown. I’d become a fan of the classic, partially because of my mother’s suggestion that I looked a lot like a younger Vivien Leigh, with my dark wavy hair and sea green eyes. And as usual, I’d believed her for a little while.”
― J.C. Patrick, A Hollywood Classic

“I got home a little after seven, but didn’t feel hungry. Instead, I crawled into my pajamas and pulled out my Jimmy Stewart movie It’s a Wonderful Life. I fixed myself a cup of herbal tea and settled in for the night. Normally, I’d save such a classic movie for the holidays, when I tended to feel sorry for myself, but today’s need felt urgent. If Jimmy was able to accept that he had a wonderful life, maybe I could, too.”
― J.C. Patrick, A Hollywood Classic

“My mother had tried to fool me into thinking I was a natural beauty, and I’d believed her for a little while, that is, until I moved to the land of beautiful people.”
― J.C. Patrick, A Hollywood Classic

“My life was full of drama, with the highs and lows of Tyler’s daily mood swings and my private innuendos with Vandenberg. There’d never been a movie made that could permanently shift my mood away from my disappointment with myself.”
― J.C. Patrick, A Hollywood Classic

“If you drink anymore, you're going to be positively flammable.”
― Michaela Haze, The Bleeders

“The Untheory of Evolution, and Other Scientific Studies Including Hunting, Fishing, and Sex" by William C. Berdine needs to be available to put in my favorite books list.

This book is excellent for any young teen to stumble across and read. I found it while my parents were driving me to Florida for a vacation and as a preteen I fell in love immediately with the book and the person behind it.”
― William C. Berdine

“I keep hearing about tax breaks. How about we not pay taxes? That would be a legitimate tax break. #mymoneybelongsinmypocket”
― Steven Cuoco

“If you cant remember how important a person I am . . then you are probably a person that forgets to put the toothpaste on the toothbrush before using”
― Kevin Kolenda

“Were you born head first or feet first ? . . . Sorry Cajoles First”
― Kevin Kolenda

“Beware of nostalgic stimulus if you’re allergic to the logic of strategic comedy.”
― Vincent Okay Nwachukwu, Weighty 'n' Worthy African Proverbs - Volume 1

“Being an asshole to us just makes you look like an asshole.”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“All the world is a stage, concierges are but actors in it.”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“In what universe would it be okay for someone to take a redneck dip in a hotel fountain?”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“Condoms are not like a glove; one size does not fit all. Bring your own.”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“By the way, it was me. I farted. You're welcome. Get used to it. I'll do it again before you check out.”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“New Orleans restaurants are so good, you'll want to slap your momma, you neighbor's momma, and your neighbor's momma's momma.”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“I have no clue what she asked for. It sounded like a code during wartime, where coffee was the solider and she was the five-star general.”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“It's my job to help the guests, even if I think they'll turn out to be a super-snotty, dripping little twat of distaste and ill repute.”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“I'm impressed. I've never seen a piece of shit read before. Would you like an award?”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“I speak New Orleans sassy black woman dialect. I love it.”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“We, as a society, will never grow into a better world unless we change our outdated views of the world. We should not adopt and carry forward the way people have been mistreated in the past, but instead pave a way to love and acceptance, or the future generation will fail.”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“Lady Beverly: What kind of bullshit answer is that, kiddo? I was born and raised here. I may be older that dirt now, but I was a street rat back in my day.”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“Everyone knows you drink white wine with ass. I'm joking; don't drink any wine with ass. It doesn't pair well.”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge

“I don't want your hanging meat parasailing toward me. Please, double bubble-wrap it, and put it in storage already.”
― Ren French, Creating a Concierge