Vulnerability – What A Great Ideus

Part of My Story

Often I see people sharing their Facebook or TimeHop memories, making cute little comments about a picture or quote they posted just a year ago. It’s fun.

But I don’t do it.

I don’t need to be reminded. I know this part of my history, and even more how it’s forever part of my story.

Suicide.

Suicide has now been a very real part of my story for one year. I’ve been wondering for awhile now what it would feel like to get to this date. Each time I wonder, my chest tightens a little, my jaw subconsciously clenches, and my stomach churns. I am forced to take a deep breath to calm myself and get back to the here and now. I remember asking a friend who had also lost a brother to suicide if it ever gets better, if the pain in the depths of my soul ever stops hurting. What she said I will appreciate forever. She said, “No. It won’t. But it will get easier.”

And it has.

It has gotten a tiny bit easier over the last year to think about Kyle and talk about Kyle and tell people about his suicide. It is still hard as hell, and sometimes it hits me like a crashing wave out of no where. But it’s gotten just a little bit easier.

Recently, I’ve decided to let go of a few things that I have been white-knuckle holding on to. References to suicide in music, movies, and shows. When people casually say ‘shoot me now’ or make the finger-thumb gun and hold it up to their head. When handguns are brought up. These have been intense triggers for me this last year. I feel them like a stab in the heart. While I would really love it if people could just not sometimes, I can’t control them, or the songs, or the movies. I get to work on me.

I’ve also decided to continue telling this part of my story. When you move to a new place, you get the luxury of letting people see what you want them to see. But the curveball comes when you get to know people a bit more, and they start asking questions that one would when making new friends. Like “how many siblings to you have?” Quickly followed with “what do they do/ where are they at?” My response is, “Um…3. I have three siblings…” And then I have a choice. Is this a safe person and do I trust them enough to reveal this part of my story? Sometimes the answer is no, and I can get away with just the descriptions of what Kendra and Robert do and where they live, all the while really hoping that the person who asked is poor at math. It’s not the greatest solution, but it works for now.

Yet, on occasion the answer is yes. The person is safe, and I trust the heck out of them. And so I choose to be vulnerable and share Kyle. They get to hear my full story. Every time it feels risky to me. I don’t want them to pity me or change how they treat me or even feel sorry for me. That time has passed. I only need them to know how much a part of my story Kyle has been, suicide and all.

The interesting thing that I get to decide now, as the author, is what part of my story will this play for the next year and the year after that and on into forever. I don’t have the answer just yet. I do know that it will be there waiting to be told along with the rest of this beautiful life story I’ve got going on.

…

I’m so grateful for the stories that others have shared this past year. Your memories are my medicine. The photos below are a just a few of my favorites, but I would love if would post your own favorite in the comments. Thank you! xo- Kimberly

She asked, “How is your soul?”

Whew.

We were minutes into lunch, saying our hellos, figuring out our favorite Mexican dish to order, and then she asked me.

“How is your soul?”

It was said in a way kind of like you would ask someone “how is your family?” or “how is your new job?” only there was so much more to it. It was a beeline to my heart. In a cut the crap, not interested in meaningless small talk, let’s choose to be real here and now kind of way. It was gorgeous. I think that it did every bit of what she likely intended it to do…it said to me, “I’m asking you to be vulnerable right now, and I’m reminding you that I am a safe person to talk about these things with.”

I have learned that there is an incredible value in being able to connect with people like this. I have seen the magic of that connection happening in seconds when you choose to be open to it. It’s happened to me in a BIG way twice in the last two months. These are my people. These are the people I know I could fall apart with, and they will tenderly hold my pieces while I work on just how they should fit back together. They won’t force me to do it before I need to, and they certainly won’t do the work for me.

There’s a little voice in my head that kind of wonders “But are you sure?” and then my soul calls up to it and answers, “Hell, yes I’m sure! This is amazing! Let’s celebrate these people!”

Then vulnerability is a lot less hard. It’s a much shorter distance to getting real. And the connectedness of our souls digs deeper. It’s magic for sure.

When inspiration lags

Hi darlings!

It’s been awhile. I can serve you a load of excuses about how I spent so much time adventuring and getting into gear with a new gig or settling into our new place or preparing for the holidays…la la la la la, but really I just haven’t been inspired to share or be vulnerable.

But now it’s 2016, and I am choosing to be vulnerable and finding inspiration in anything I can get! Last year was the year of Adventure for me. I adventured the heck out of 2015. Some were planned, some were spontaneous, all of them were lovely and stretching. It felt like I helped my spirit develop the habit of adventuring and seeking the adventurous mindset. This year the word GROWTH has latched onto my soul and not let go. I’m not even quite sure what it means yet, but here are some things I think it will begin to mean for me in 2016. If you have other ideas or feedback on any of the following, I would love to hear it via the comments below!

GROWTH of Finances

I missed out on the class in high school and college where they taught me how to budget effectively and plan for retirement and what the heck a 401k and Roth IRA mean. For much of my childhood, I remember living paycheck to paycheck without a lot of “savings” discussion. In college, there were several times I had less than $10 in my bank account. I’m not saying this for a pity party; I’m just painting a picture that I haven’t been the best at finances, and it’s high time to learn.

2. GROWTH of Employment/ Income

Many of you know that in the Fall of last year, I got my real estate license and began working for the best real estate company out there! Unfortunately, Real Estate is not a fast, get rich quick kind of business. Fortunately, I have learned that it is absolutely where I want to be professionally. I have positioned myself as a well educated, knowledgable professional in my market. I have learned that I LOVE helping clients search for and find their current dream home. I also love that I am now in control of how much I make and the amount that I want to work.

Additionally, I started selling cinnamon rolls for the holiday this last year, and I think it is definitely something to continue pursuing because it was such a great way to spread Christmas cheer! I still use and sell products for Plexus because their company models and products align so well with my philosophy on having a healthy life, taking care of me from the inside out, and not putting crap in my body. Lastly, I want to create some (mostly) passive income for us with an investment property. Loads of people are renting condos and apartments in my college town, and my goal is to capture some of that income for my family.

12310720_10154403418328626_3750085005643186267_n — Photo credit: Shawn Bailey

3. GROWTH of Me

Hubs and I both decided that we would learn Spanish in 2016. I have a bit of a head-start on him since I spent three months in Spain during college. However, I got back and didn’t use it everyday, so it didn’t stick. We got some Rosetta Stone Latin American Spanish for Christmas (thanks W&P!), and we’ve jumped in with both feet!

I joined/ helped create a book club with some amazing chicas because I have learned how reading helps me still expand my vocabulary, speak and write well, and share stories with other lovely people.

I want to read three of Brene Brown’s books this year. I started with a The Gifts of Imperfection, and have already had a couple major aha’s that will definitely impact me and my relationships (particularly with hubs!). I’m still mulling over how it will look for me and how I feel about it, so when the mulling is complete, I will share the story with you. She also has Daring Greatly and Rising Strong that I cannot wait to sink my teeth in to.

4. GROWTH of Family

I want this year to be the one when we add other (little) people to the mix. The jury is out on whether that will be naturally or via foster care or both, but I’m ready. This in particular is one of the things that I was nervous about being vulnerable about. But then people ask about when we are going to have kids or even better they assume and dole out loads of advice on when the right time for us to have kids will be (don’t wait to long/ you’re still young, you don’t want to have kids yet/ what are you waiting for…), and while I don’t think that people should just take the liberties to force that kind of unsolicited advice, I can’t help but think that, particularly with the ones I love, that if I would have just shared that little piece of our story, they would be more understanding and loving and gracious. At least, that is what I hope is the truth. In the meantime, I am largely available to babysit for your tinies a couple of hours to get my baby-fix, so hit me up!

In retrospect, this pose with Christmas bells looks an awful lot like the pose many couples do when announcing a new baby. Sorry. Not this one. But that shot is still so Gorgeous! Photo credit: Look for the Magic Photography and Audley Campbell

5. GROWTH of Perspective

As social and political events continue to occur, I want to challenge myself to listen to perspectives that are different than my own. I seek relationships with people who are unlike who I grew up with. I have already met some delightful people that fit this bill, but I am open to so many more. The other way I want new perspectives is through traveling. There is so much beauty to be seen in this world and people who live there with stories to tell, so I want to go. I was the luckiest to win a Caribbean Cruise from my work, so I plan to take full advantage of the opportunity to see and fully experience some gorgeous places and people. I’d love to take in a few state parks throughout the year too, so if that goal aligns with yours, let’s go together!

Here is to the year of GROWTH. I am sure more things will come up or I will begin to look back and see how I have grown. I hope to acknowledge and give full weight to celebrating each one. My best to y’all!

Be Brave. Live Loved. Adventure On. Grow Big.