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[Fiction] Dash Manhunk in the Universe of Madness

This is another unfinished story, largely set in the same ‘verse as Bad Ideas All Around and Free Time on Mars. It was largely conceived as a joke, in which characters from a shallow, rather mean-spirited parody of a Cold War-era rocketpunk science fiction setting are transported into a more realistic modern one. Unfortunately, while Dash Manhunk’s meatheaded awfulness was a lot of fun to write I didn’t really have a plot beyond the initial setup so it fizzled out pretty quickly. Much like a lot of my stories, now that I think of it…


I

The doors opened with a soft hiss, and Dash Manhunk strode purposefully into the Research and Development Laboratory on Space Command’s Jupiter base. As he moved his tall, muscular frame through the cluttered labyrinth of computer banks, racks of glassware, and machines that seemed to serve no other purpose than to beep and print arcane readouts Dash felt his lantern jaw clench with barely controlled disdain. He had little patience for scientists, always immersed in their theories and measurements and experiments. He was a man of action, and couldn’t help but view anyone who would rather spend their lives in these laboratories, hunched over their chemicals and screens, twisting dials and fiddling with calculations, with distrust and contempt.

“Ah, Dash, my boy!” Doctor Ekelhaft Schwachkorb looked up from a bank of readout displays as Manhunk approached. “So good of you to come!”

“Let’s skip the pleasantries Doc,” Dash said dismissively. “I’m a busy man. What did you want to show me this time?”

“Ah, yes, yes, of course,” Schwachkorb said, and laughed that irritating little laugh of his. He ran a bony hand through the thatch of wiry gray hair that stuck out in all directions from his wrinkled head and turned gestured for Dash to follow him. “Of course, of course. This way, please.”

Dash sighed in exasperation and followed the little white-coated scientist deeper into the lab. “This better not be another waste of time, Doc,” he said gruffly. “The Space Command brass doesn’t take too kindly to you poindexters wasting their dime on your silly little experiments.”

Schwachkorb made an irritated little sound, but said nothing. Dash was glad; he didn’t have time to listen to another boring lecture. Not that he ever paid attention anyway.

“Ah, here we are!” Schwachkorb finally said, as they reached a wide open area with a pointed, tube-shaped capsule of some kind resting on three backswept fins. “My greatest achievement!” he gushed as he rushed over to it, gesturing wildly for Dash to look at it as though there were anything else nearby that he might mistakenly take for the object of the doctor’s excitement.

“A rocketship?” Dash said, eyeing the thing skeptically. “We already got rocketships, Doc. Are you tryin’ to pull a fast one on me here?” He rapped a knuckle on the shining silver hull.

“Ah, but this is not just any rocketship, my dear boy!” exclaimed Doctor Schwachkorb. “For you see, whereas other rockets fly through space, this rocket flies between spaces!”

Dash rolled his eyes. Oh great, more of this science mumbo jumbo. “You lost me, Doc,” he said.

“It’s all very simple,” Schwachkorb explained. “I trust you are familiar with the theory of parallel universes?”

Dash crossed his arms and leaned against the capsule. “Doc, I’m a busy man. I can’t be bothered to read up on every silly idea you eggheads come up with.”

“Well,” Schwachkorb persisted, “imagine if all of creation were like a book. And imagine then, that all of this, all around us,” he said as he gestured expansively, “our entire universe, was but a single page on that book. Are you following me?”

Dash just shrugged.

 “Imagine then, that there are other pages in this book, and that on those pages, are other universes! Not just other planets, or stars, or galaxies, but entire universes! Can you imagine it?”

“I try not to imagine things,” Dash said. “It’s too distracting.”

“Yes, well.” Schwachkorb looked tired for a moment, but quickly returned to his usual energy. “Well, Dash my boy, if everything goes as planned, none of us will need to imagine it. For you see, the reason I called you here today…” He paused briefly, as though considering how best to phrase what he had to say next.

“Out with it, Doc!” Dash said, his annoyance cleverly disguised as lighthearted mock exasperation.

“Yes, yes!” Schwachkorb blurted with a wild flurry of hand gestures. “As I was saying, I would like you to serve as test pilot for my Trans-Universal  Rocket!”

Dash raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. “Test pilot this thing, Doc? Into another universe?” He jerked a thumb as the device. “This thing may be plenty shiny, but I wouldn’t wanna make it my coffin.”

 Schwachkorb waved his hand dismissively. “Oh nonsense Dash, I’m certain my calculations are sound. This test flight would only be a mere formality, a ceremony to convince Space Command that my research is still worthwhile. And besides,” he added, a twinkle in his eye, “in the event that you do experience any technical difficulties, my assistant will be there to fix them.”

“Assistant?” Dash gave the doctor a wary look. “No offense to your profession Doc, but climbing into this contraption with one of you eggheads doesn’t exactly sound like my idea of a way to spend an afternoon.”

“What’s this?” said an alluring voice behind Dash. “The great Dash Manhunk, calling me an egghead? I might cry.”

Dash turned to see a young woman approaching with a coquettish smile on her face. With every step that brought her closer to the men and the rocket her hips swayed from side to side underneath her long white lab coat. Dash quickly realized he was staring as the woman laughed and breezily adjusted a golden curl of hair out of her face.

“Dash Manhunk,” Doctor Schwachkorb said, “allow me to introduce my assistant, Mathilde Umfallen.”

Mathilde reached out a hand. “It’s a pleasure, Mr. Manhunk.”

“Please, call me Dash,” Dash said with his usual lopsided smirk.

“Very well Dash,” Mathilde said. “So, can we expect you to help us?”

Dash nodded. “Of course, Miss Umfallen,” he said. “Anything to advance the cause of science.” He was so fixated on Mathilde’s face that he didn’t see Schwachkorb rolling his eyes.


“Everything ready on your end, Doctor?” Mathilde said into the radio microphone.

“As ready as we’ll ever be, Mathilde!” Doctor Schwachkorb’s voice said, his voice small and tinny out of the small speaker grille set into the Trans-Universal Rocket’s control panel. “You’re cleared for liftoff. Good luck, Dash!”

“My luck is always good Doc,” Dash said as he pulled the lever to engage the rocket’s turbo-boosters and the silver finned dart lifted vertically from the launch pad. As the rocket rode its trail of flame into the sky, leaving behind the Space Command Jupiter base and the moon it was built on, Dash glanced back at his companions. “Well Plugg, how’s the ride so far?”

“Smooth as silk old buddy,” said  Plugg Hardclench, running  a hand over his seat’s bakelite armrest. As Dash Manhunk’s oldest and most trusted friend, Plugg had accompanied him on many adventures and had naturally been recruited for this mission as well. He glanced around the rocket’s interior and then at Mathilde seated to his left. “She’s a real beauty.” Mathilde tittered coyly at the double meaning of his response.

“One thing I’m wondering though,” Dash said with a glance towards the lady scientist, “if this contraption’s meant to travel to another universe, why are we flying off into space? Why can’t we just activate the bridging device on the launchpad?”

“Well,” Mathilde explained, “though our calculations and small-scale tests have given us a fairly good idea of what happens when we move small objects, we don’t really have any idea what sort of effect transporting an object the size of this rocket will have in our universe. It may create a burst of deadly radiation, or a ripple in space-time that could damage the pad or the entire base itself.”

“So you’re playing it safe and trying it out at a safe distance,” Plugg finished for her.

Mathilde nodded. “Precisely. Even now Doctor Schwachkorb should be observing us through his long-range scopes, ready to record the effects of our journey on this end.”

“You hear that Plugg?” Dash said with a laugh. “Better keep your hands to yourself!”

“Until we’re safely in another universe, at least!” Plugg answered back.

“I heard that!” Schwachkorb said over the radio, and they all laughed.


It was twenty minutes later when Mathilde looked away from her screen. “Okay Dash, we’re coming up on the test point.”

“Ready when you are,” Dash said, the glanced at the radio. “You ready, Doc?”

“All ready here, my boy!” Schwachkorb’s voice said over the radio.

“Alright everyone,” Dash said, as he reached up and took hold of the lever that would activate the rocket’s bridging device, “Here we go!”

He pulled down on the lever, and a soft hum rose slowly from behind them in the ship’s engine. The hum rose quickly to a steady whine, then a buzz, and then a bright light flashed outside the viewports and they felt a rippling vibration move through them. Then it was over. The light was gone, the vibration had stopped, and the hum was swiftly dying away.

Dash glanced back at Mathilde. “Did it work?” he asked.

“I’ll have to check my instruments,” she said and began to rise from her chair. She got a step towards the sensor readouts when she let out an astonished cry and was thrown to the back of the cabin, slamming hard against the bulkhead. Plugg, who had reflexively reached out to catch her, was pushed back into his seat with a pained grimace.

“What’s….going on…?” he grunted through clenched teeth.

Dash could barely answer. He was having enough trouble just breathing. “I think…the artificial gravity must have cut out…!” he finally managed. “I’ll have to…cut our thrust…” Grunting with exertion, he forced his body towards the control panel. Finally he was able to reach the proper lever, and pushed it forward inch by agonizing inch. After what felt like an eternity the engine’s thrust decreased and finally stopped altogether, leaving them to drift about the cabin in freefall.

“Plugg, you see to Mathilde,” Dash said. “I’ll try to find out what going on.”

“You got it buddy,” Plugg said and pushed off towards Mathilde, who was now floating limply at the back of the cabin.

“That’s odd,” Dash said, tapping at the dials set into the control panel. “It says here the artificial gravity generator is working just fine, so we should have gravity in here.”

“The little lady’s fine,” Plugg said. “Just a bump on the head. She’ll come around.”

“Let’s hope it’s soon,” Dash said. “We need her to figure out what in the blazes is going on here.”

“Can we still fly?” Plugg was pulling her back to her seat now.

Dash nodded. “We’ll have to take it slow, but we should be able to move at least. Get strapped in.”

When everyone was ready, Dash pulled back on the throttle lever. The force of acceleration was noticeable, but bearable. However, when he tried to maneuver he got another unpleasant surprise. “We can’t turn!” he exclaimed.

“What do you mean we can’t turn?” Plugg asked.

“I mean we can’t turn, the maneuvering system isn’t working either! That stupid old crank built a lemon!”

“Well, may as well kill the thrust then,” Plugg said. “No use wasting power if we can only go in a straight line.”

Dash sighed and pushed the throttle forward. “Right. Why, I’m gonna have a thing or two to say to Schwachkorb when we get back…”


II

“Captain Bova to the bridge.”

The request was met with a stir and an irritated groan.

“Captain, you’re needed on the bridge.”

The groan was louder this time, but the recipient still refused to budge.

“Captain!”

Finally Hudson Bova sat up, shook the fog of sleep out of his head, and reached over to tap the comm panel set into the wall.  “Yeah, okay, what is it?” He blinked and looked at the clock display. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

“Judi woke me up,” said the voice on the other end. “She picked up something on her scopes.”

Bova sighed and swung his legs out over the edge of the bunk. “Alright, alright, I’ll be right there” he said, the last word lost in a yawn.

There was movement underneath the blanket next to him, and a bronze-skinned hand came to rest on his arm. “Something wrong?” Moira Blish mumbled groggily from the pillow, her dark almond eyes still half-lidded and bleary.

He patted her shoulder and stood. “I’m sure it’s nothing,” he said as he stood with a tired groan in his voice. Apparently reassured, she turned her back to him, pulled the blanket over her shoulder, and went back to sleep. By the bunk, Bova swayed briefly on his feet; he was well used to the coriolis effect caused by the Ataraxia’s rotating hab section, but it always threw him off for a moment when he stood up after a while off his feet. Once his inner ear had reacclimated and the dizziness had passed, he stooped to pick up his pants off the floor and began getting dressed.

Several minutes later he was entering the bridge with a steaming mug of coffee in his hand. As usual for this hour, the room was empty; Judi, the ship’s AI, was more than capable of keeping an eye on things while the crew slept and alerting them to any issues that might arise. Bova took an experimental sip from his coffee and decided it was still too hot as he stepped over to the central display. “Okay Judi,” he said to the room, “show me what you found.”

“Certainly, Captain,” came the leisurely response and the holoprojector flickered to life. A circular icon appeared moving along a glowing green track: Ataraxia on its flight path. Further down the line, a second object marked by a red X was moving on an intercept course along a shallow perpendicular trajectory.

“Any chance of a collision?” Bova asked, flicking his finger through the point where the flight paths intersected.

“If it holds its current course and speed?” Kyrie Webster’s voice spoke over the comm. “Not a chance, too slow. It’ll be pretty close, but it’ll definitely miss us.”

“How close is pretty close?” he asked.

“About…three-hundred K,” Kyrie said.

Bova nodded. That was pretty close, but not anything to worry about. “Any idea what it is?”


At her station situated at the ship’s stationary center, Kyrie shook her head. “I’ve already checked the traffic control database and it’s not following any registered flight plans, and we haven’t picked up any distress calls.” A moment later, because she knew what he was about to ask next, she added: “Judi and I have both tried to establish comm contact, but it’s not responding to hails.”

“So if it is off course, it’s either unmanned or anyone onboard is incapable of calling for help or responding to hails.” There was a moment of silence as he thought the situation over. “Any sign of a military presence?”

“Nothing I can see” Kyrie said, double-checking her scopes just to be sure. “If there were though, I’d think we’d have been warned away by now if they were doing anything secretive. Or more likely, our flight plan wouldn’t have been approved in the first place.” She paused, as though waiting for an order. When none came, she asked: “So what’s the plan?”


On the bridge Bova massaged between his eyes. He knew exactly what she meant. The Spacer’s Law, stating that one must never ignore a ship in distress. They were all spacers by occupation, but Kyrie was one by birth; born and raised aboard a prospecting ship out in the Hildians, she had a stronger astronaut pedigree than anyone else on the ship, and she would never condone ignoring what might be another ship in distress. As captain he could easily simply order her as he pleased whether she liked it or not, but he that had never been his style. Besides, he also lived by the Spacer’s Law, and if this was somebody in trouble he had no intention of simply breezing through without investigating.

Still, everything about this felt weird. In the vastness of interplanetary space, along the boundary between the Inners and Outers, the chances of another ship just randomly happening to cross their path were just too improbable. Even with all the traffic going on out here, that simply shouldn’t happen. And when something that shouldn’t happen did, he usually knew better than to chalk it up to mere chance.

He reached over to a control panel and pulled up a sensor display. There wasn’t anything else visible, and he knew hiding from a ship’s sensors was damned near impossible. He knew that most navies had stealth ships, but such technology was so closely guarded that the chances of any nefarious groups getting their hands on it was negligible at best, and even so those weren’t truly invisible anyway; though certainly harder to detect, they left telltale signals could still be picked up if one knew what to look for. It really did look like whatever this thing was, it was alone. He sighed. “It’s gonna screw up our timetable,” he said to no one in particular.


It took longer than he would have liked, but eventually everyone had gathered in the ship’s galley that also served as a briefing area and rec room. Most of them looked just as tired as he still felt, which wasn’t surprising; it was still the middle of the ship’s night cycle, after all. Once his XO had given him the thumbs-up that everyone was here, he waited a moment for the shifting and mumbling to die down on its own. When it didn’t, he cleared his throat loudly to get their attention.

“I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve dragged you out of bed at this hour,” he began once they’d quieted, prompting a disorganized wave of nods and murmur of affirmatives. He turned to glance at Kyrie to his right, who in turn glanced up at the ceiling. Following the unspoken command from her cyberbrain, the recessed holoprojector came to life with a barely perceptible whine and the intersecting trajectories flickered into existence. “About an hour ago, Judi picked up an unknown object following a perpendicular flightpath to ours. At its current speed there’s no danger of a collision, but it will pass within three-hundred thousand kilometers of us. It is not following a registered path, nor is it broadcasting or responding to hails.”

The crowd digested this for a moment before Aldiss, the ship’s executive officer, spoke up. “Do we have a visual on it?”

Bova turned to the right again. “Kyrie?”

She nodded, and the looping flightpath animation was replaced by a three-dimensional representation of the object. It resembled a dart more than any spaceship they’d seen, with a smooth cylindrical body that tapered to a sharp needlelike nose. Three gracefully curving fins projecting from the back were the only protuberances they could see.

“It looks like a throwing dart,” Huang said.

“Looks like some kinda pretentious art piece,” said Acerrano.

“Looks like the universe’s worst sex toy,” Paz said.

“Any idea where it came from?” someone asked.

“That’s where it gets weird,” Bova said, and glanced at Kyrie again.

Seeing her cue, she took a step forward. “I backtracked along its current trajectory, and unless it changed course at some point it doesn’t seem to lead anywhere within the Solar System.” Before anyone could speculate, she glanced at the projection and, with a thought, changed it. “And then there’s this.” The three-dimensional dart was replaced by a field of black, studded with pinpoint stars. “This is the region of space where Judi first picked up the object. Watch.” A brilliant white light flashed in the darkness, sending out a halo that faded as rapidly as it expanded. When the flash had subsided, occupying the formerly empty area of space was a fuzzy oblong shape: the dart, as seen from hundreds of thousands of kilometers away and illuminated only by the dim light of the distant sun.

“The fuck is that?” Sullivan asked.

“Did that thing just appear?” someone else wanted to know.

Kyrie just shrugged and looked to the captain.

“Right now we don’t have any idea what this means,” he said. “We’ve gone over the readings though, and it seems to be legit. Right now our best guesses are some sort of experimental active stealth system or,” and he hesitated slightly, “some possible form of FTL travel. But keep in mind, those are guesses.”

“It’s aliens,” Paz said to Sullivan. As usual, they were standing next to each other.

“Anyway,” Bova said, “we’re the closest ship in the area so we’re going to check it out. Be prepared for the possibility of entertaining guests.”

“Excuse me sir,” Paz said, “but what if it isn’t human?”

“Then we let the Navy deal with it,” Bova said. “Don’t worry, I watch movies too.”


III

“All set for deceleration burn,” Kyrie announced. By flipping the Ataraxia end over end and pointing her engines along their flight path, the plan was to slow their progress enough to where they would be able to match courses with the unknown object and get a closer look. If it looked like there might be anyone aboard, Kyrie could then send a rescue party over on the Bolero.

“Roger that,” Bova said from the bridge. She didn’t have a holo feed running to the other parts of the ship, but Kyrie could imagine everyone strapped into their acceleration couches, waiting. Though the centripetal force generated by the hab section’s rotation would counteract some of the G-forces incurred by the deceleration, they would still feel it. “We are go for burn on your mark.”

Kyrie wrapped her hand around one of her chair’s control sticks, turned it sideways, and keyed it to the throttle. “Commencing burn in five, four, three, two…” As she counted down, the cushions in her chair filled with impact gel, anticipating the crushing effect that the burn would have on her. Here in the ship’s stationary control pod, Kyrie would have to bear the full brunt of the ship’s deceleration. “Commencing burn.”

She twisted the throttle control, and the Ataraxia’s big engines roared silently to life, announcing the ship’s approach with blinding jets of incandescent plasma longer than the ship itself. Kyrie felt herself pushed back into her chair’s warm embrace, and grinned; for someone like her, born and raised on a spaceship, there were few things more exhilarating than a good hard burn.

* * * * *

“Any luck up there?” Plugg Hardclench asked from where he floated in the back of the cabin.

“Nothing,” said Mathilde Umfallen, with her golden curls forming a halo around her head in the zero gravity. “The radio works, but there’s no response.”

“Do you suppose anybody even lives here?” asked Dash Manhunk. He floated beside her, somehow still managing to look masculine despite the undignified lack of gravity.

“If they don’t, we’re in trouble,” Mathilde said matter-of-factly.

Dash smirked at her condescendingly. “Of course, we may be in trouble if they do,” he said. “I don’t know if any of you eggheads were paying attention during the Neptune War, but I was.”

Mathilde sniffed haughtily and was prepared to say something, but Dash was spared her rebuttal by a shout from Plugg. “Hey Dash old buddy,” he said, pointing out one of the aft viewports. “Does that answer your question?”

Dash and Mathilde floated back to join him at the viewport, and looked. They weren’t sure what they were supposed to be looking at, until they realized that one of the myriad stars outside was moving. As they watched the point of light grew brighter and brighter, and they realized that whatever it was, it was coming closer. The light grew and grew, until it eventually resolved into a column of blinding flame. Just as Dash was beginning to think his eyes couldn’t take much more punishment the flame died back until it finally disappeared altogether, revealing what looked like a dish of scorched gray metal.

“Well, I’ll be!” Plugg said. “It’s a flying saucer!”

“Sure is a little thing,” Dash said. “Can’t be any bigger that a dinner plate.”

“I think it’s just far away,” Mathilde said. “Wait,” she said then, as the thing began to move. It was rotating, turning end over end, and they could now see that behind the dish was a cluster of engines and bulbous orbs, and then a thin shaft-like body that extended towards a cluster of large box-shaped containers and a rotating donut-shaped section protected within a stationary cage, the front of which was dotted with what looked like tiny radar dishes and antennae.

“What on Earth is that?” Dash said. It didn’t look like any spaceship he’d ever seen; then again, if Schwachkorb’s machine had worked he supposed that only made sense.

“Sure is an ugly thing,” Plugg said.

Mathilde, however, was fascinated. “Incredible!” she said. “Look how it maneuvers, by using those small jets placed along the length of its body. Why, that must explain why you were unable to maneuver once we crossed over, and why our artificial gravity doesn’t work here.”

Dash fought the urge to roll his eyes. “I’m afraid you’ll have to explain it to me, Miss Umfallen,” he said. “What does that mean?”

She looked away from the strange vessel and grinned at him. “It means that this universe we’re in must operate on a different set of physical laws than our own!” she said. “I’m sure of it!”

“A different set of whatnow?” Dash asked. “Doesn’t that seem a bit far-fetched to you?”

“We’re in another universe, Major Manhunk,” Mathilde said. “I’d say we’re already into far-fetched territory, wouldn’t you agree?”

“I hate to interrupt your honeymoon,” Plugg said, “but have we thought about trying the radio again?”

“Good thinking, buddy,” Dash said, and pushed off towards the control console. Taking hold of the radio microphone to steady himself, he set it to broadcast over the widest possible range and said “Unidentified vessel, do you read me? This is Major Dash Manhunk of United States Space Command, and I come in peace. Our ship seems to have encountered a problem and could use some assistance. Over.” After he finished the transmission, he turned to his companions. “Now we just hope they’re friendly,” he said.

Several moments passed, and then the speaker crackled. “Uh, this is Captain Hudson Bova of the commercial shipping vessel Ataraxia. I understand you’re in need of assistance.” Not only was the man speaking English, but he sounded a little confused.

They all exchanged puzzled looks before Dash responded. “Yes Ataraxia, we seem to be having problems with our maneuvering system and artificial gravity generator.”

There was an extended silence, before Bova finally spoke again. “Well…I’m not sure we have anyone certified to work on an artificial gravity generator, but we can give you a lift to the nearest spaceport.”

Dash didn’t like the sound of that, but he supposed he had to take it. “We’d appreciate that, thank you.”

Bova responded immediately this time. “Alright, we’ll send our shuttle over to pick you up and tow your ship in. See you soon, Bova out.”

* * * * *

“Who still communicates over the EM spectrum?” Kyrie asked over the ship’s neural comm net.

“United States Space Command, apparently,” Bova thought. “Whatever the hell that is.”

“Boss, what are you sending us into?” Aldiss asked.

“Should I bring something heavy?” Paz offered.

“We’re bringing your face, what more do we need?” asked Sullivan.

“I will beat you to death with the new guy,” she threatened.

“Alright, cut the chatter you two,” Aldiss broke in.

On the bridge, Bova sighed. There were times he wished those two weren’t among the most skilled engineers on the ship. It seemed like every time they got together they immediately derailed all conversation into a volleying exchange of insults and threats. “I want you two on your best behavior out there,” he said. “That’s an order, understand?”

“Understood,” Sullivan answered.

“Yes Dad,” said Paz.

“Rescue team ready to depart,” came Aldiss’s voice into his head over the net.

“Roger that,” Bova thought. “Kyrie, take them out.”

A slight jolt ran through the ship as the Bolero, their atmospheric shuttle, disengaged from its docking ring aft of the habitation and cargo sections. On his screen he watched the smaller craft accelerate away towards the strange vessel under Kyrie’s remote guidance. She’d wanted to fly it out by hand, but he wasn’t about to let one of his most important crewmembers run off to say hello to a complete stranger, especially one spouting such nonsense as this Dash Manhunk.

What kind of ridiculous name was that, anyway?

“ETA?” he asked her, though he could just as easily look himself. After all, one of the perks of being captain was not having to read his own screens.

“Three minutes,” Kyrie answered.

* * * * *

“Here they come,” Plugg said, and Dash and Mathilde went to the viewports to watch. A smaller craft had detached from the strange ship and was indeed approaching. It looked like a fat-bodied airplane, with wide wings, a T-tail, and massive engines. As they watched it grew and grew, until it was threatening to dwarf their own rocketship. As it drew close it flipped end over end and flared its engines in their direction to decelerate before turning, and then it was coming in so close Dash wondered if it was going to hit them. Then it stopped, and they heard something outside latching onto their hull.

There were more noises outside, a series of loud clanks and clangs, then a loud hissing sound, and then silence.

Then, someone was knocking on the ship’s hatch. They looked at it uncertainly, before Plugg shrugged and “Well, may as well get it over with,” and steadied his feet against the floor to turn the wheel and swing the hatch open. The shuttle had attached an airtight docking umbilical passage to their rocketship, and floating within were three men and two women.

“Well, I’ll be!” Plugg said. “You’re human!”

Their five rescuers looked between each other uncertainly before the lead man spoke. “That’s right,” he said, as though he were stating the obvious. He was tall and lean, with black hair and sideburns that reached nearly to his jaw. Dash was sure he could take him if things went sour. His companions didn’t look like much of a threat either; only one of the men was anywhere near his size, and the women were…well, they were women.

“You’re Major…Manhunk?” the man asked, and Plugg shook his head.

“I’m Manhunk,” Dash said. “You don’t sound like the Captain Bova I spoke to.”

“Name’s Aldiss,” the lean man said. “I’m the Ataraxia’s XO.” Dash noticed two of Aldiss’s people, the smaller man and a short dreadlocked woman with a bunch of metal in her face, leaning past him to look around the rocketship’s cabin.

“Pleasure to meet you” Dash said, though he didn’t entirely mean it. With his beatnik hair and flat-topped cap this Aldiss looked some kind of lilly-livered commie, and he didn’t particularly like the look of his people, either. That short woman in particular looked like some sort of mouthy bra-burning women’s-libber, and Dash preferred his women knew their place. Still, he supposed he had to play nice, at least until they were out of this pickle.

He introduced his companions. “This is Plugg Hardclench,” he said, and Plugg smiled and nodded. He winked at Dreadlocks, and rolled her eyes. Dash saw that but pretended he hadn’t, instead turning to bring Mathilde forward with a hand in the small of her back. “And this is Mathilde Umfallen,” he said.

“How do you do,” Mathilde said, with a proper little wave of her hand.

Aldiss waved back, then jerked a thumb back down the umbilical. “I’d like to do our introductions on the Bolero, if you don’t mind,” he said. “We’ve got a cargo that needs to get to Helium, so I’d like to get going.”


As the Bolero headed back to the Ataraxia with its new passengers strapped in and the strange little vessel held securely by the ventral docking clamps, Danny Sullivan received a message from Paz over their shared private neural channel. Though as usual she was sitting right next to him, they were not alone in the Bolero’s passenger compartment and apparently she wanted whatever it was she had to say kept between them. Which, knowing her, probably meant she had something to say about their new guests.

“Did you see that slimeball wink at me?” she asked. Danny’s cyberbrain rendered the message as a perfect, albeit slightly hollow, simulation of her voice in his ears, right down to her disgusted tone.

He glanced at her. She looked as annoyed as she sounded in his head. “I saw,” he thought back to her. “Did you see the way that woman tensed up when that guy put his hand on her back?”

Paz nodded, and turned in her acceleration couch to look back at where their passengers were talking with Aldiss. “Both of those guys give me the heebies,” she thought.

“The sooner we make them someone else’s problem the better, that’s for damn sure.”

“How much you wanna bet I end up kicking one of them in the balls before that happens?”

“If I agree to that, you may as well just pay up now,” Danny thought.

[Fiction] Free Time on Mars

This little story is set in another science fiction setting, this one taking place in our own solar system about a thousand years in the future. It was meant to be more of a “hardish” sci-fi setting, that at least tried to look like it cared about realism.


It kind of seemed like a wasted opportunity. It was James Niven’s first day on Mars, in Helium, one of the largest cities in the Free Mars Republic, and here he was at a museum. It wasn’t that he had anything better to do, aside from maybe wander around outside in the cool crisp Tharsis autumn air and take in the novelty of a landscape that didn’t visibly curve upwards in every direction, but a museum wouldn’t exactly have been high on his list of must-see destinations on the formerly-Red Planet.

Of course, he reminded himself with a glance at the petite, dark-haired woman next to him, that was what he got when he asked the Ataraxia’s pilot and navigator to show him around the city during their shore leave while the ship was docked up in orbit. He hadn’t been particularly interested in where they went; it was mainly a ploy to score some time alone with her, without the protective eyes of their shipmates boring holes in the back of his neck. It was difficult to get closer to someone an entire shipping vessel’s worth of hardened spacers saw as their adopted little sister without feeling like the slightest wrong move would get him a front row seat to an unfortunate airlock accident.

Kyrie Webster had insisted they go through the Martian history exhibit at the Martian Heritage Museum in Helium, since it had been closed for renovations the last time she was here and she hadn’t gotten to see it. James had agreed, because Kyrie was cute and was even cuter when she got excited over dorky things like the ancient history of a planet she hadn’t even been born on. James had no particular interest in learning more about the history of Mars than he’d already learned back in school, but he couldn’t help but find it endearing that Kyrie apparently did.


The exhibit’s first stage dealt with Mars in ancient Earth fiction, with displays showing the varied and fanciful ideas writers had once had of the planet. Complex networks of canals, red-skinned humans and green, four-armed giants, malevolent tripodal death machines launching an invasion of Earth, and numerous forward-looking depictions of colonization efforts were on display in holoframes set into the walls of the exhibition, looking almost as if he could reach a hand right into the scenes. As he strolled past the displays he glanced at the accompanying plaques. Wells, Burroughs, Bradbury, Heinlein, Kozue, Robinson, and other names he didn’t recognize, but that was no surprise. After all, they’d all lived and died over a thousand years ago. He heard an artificially cheerful voice explaining that the city they were in had actually derived its name from the stories of Burroughs, and turned to see a group of Martian schoolchildren coming up behind them led by a Synth tour guide. He didn’t particularly care for Martian Synths;  they were deliberately made to look, move, and behave artificially because Martians didn’t like their Synths to feel too human, but he thought that just made them look creepy, like one some kind of clothing store mannequin come to life.

He stepped aside to let them pass, and out of the corner of his eye saw Kyrie too busy reading the plaques to notice the group. He had to get her attention before she smiled sheepishly and shuffled out of the way. Save for her better developed figure she could have almost passed for one of them, he thought. She was only barely taller than these children who’d grown up in gravity roughly a third of the 1g they were used to. Though to be fair, she was short for a Jovian too. People didn’t start getting really tall until you got to the microgravity environments like Luna, the Belt rocks, or the smaller Outer Planet moons.

He noticed the kids were staring at Kyrie almost as much as the exhibit; everything about her screamed “foreigner,” from her height to her pale spacer’s complexion to the gray and blue shipping company coveralls and jacket she still wore despite the fact that they’d landed on Mars last night and had had plenty of time to change into something more appropriate. She apparently noticed too, because she had her back turned to the group by the time they’d passed, staring intently at the floor and blushing slightly.


They followed the tour group to the next stage, dealing with the first unmanned probes sent from Earth. Here, behind impact-resistant plastic and displayed in dioramas approximating the barren red landscape of pre-terraformed Mars, stood the original probes and rovers themselves, weathered and pitted by the harsh ancient Martian climate. Overhead, holographic facsimiles of the orbiters rotated slowly beneath a backdrop of stars. As he read the signs naming them and listing their accomplishments and contributions to early Earth’s understanding of the planet, he glanced over at Kyrie. She was staring at each one in turn, with the focused yet distant look of someone uploading sensory data to an external FTL server. He couldn’t help but smile. Of course Kyrie, with her cabin on the ship plastered with holoframes of deep space phenomena, would be taking pictures of everything.

It was amazing how crude the machines looked, especially at the beginning. The first ones couldn’t even move, completely unable to explore anything beyond the range of their cameras and scooping arms. The later rovers were more useful, but to his eyes they still looked more like piles of junkyard scrap flimsily welded and bolted together and with their primitive computer brains progress would have been maddeningly slow and their capabilities frustratingly limited. The past explorers had long since gotten around to landing on Mars themselves by the time anyone managed to develop an artificial intelligence capable of human-level thought and decision-making.

He looked at Kyrie again. He could see from her eyes that she’d finished taking pictures, and now she was staring up at the camera eye of a rover identified as Curiosity with a faraway look on her face. She noticed him watching and immediately got self-conscious, turning with a slightly embarrassed half smile and moving on.

“Thinking about something?” he asked.

Kyrie paused and glanced back at him, then looked back at Curiosity. She shrugged. “I was just wondering,” she said, “what the people who designed these things might have thought if they knew someday we’d be looking at them in a museum.” She turned to look at him, as if watching his face to see just how stupid he thought that was.

James shrugged, hands in his jacket pockets. “I figure at least some of ‘em were banking on it,” he said.

She looked back at Curiosity and nodded. “Yeah…” she said quietly, almost to herself. “It’s just crazy to think about, they spent all that time and effort and money to send these here, and now…I mean for us, coming here is no big deal.” After a second she shrugged her shoulders slight and added, “And of course now people are living here…”

James nodded and stepped closer to her and looked up at the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter turning silently above them. “Well, that’s progress for you. They were just trying to get off Earth, and here we are colonizing other stars.”

When he turned his gaze down to look at Kyrie, she’d turned her back to him and had her clenched hands raised and her face upturned in a comical display of childish impatience. “Oooooh,” she whined, “I wanna go! Why can’t we hurry up and break the light barrier already!”

He chuckled and patted her shoulder. “Well, maybe in another thousand years.”

Her shoulders slumped and she let out a disgusted sigh. “I’ll be dead by then.”

James smiled encouragingly and came up beside her. “Well, they say the life-extension tech gets better every year. Or if you’re really worried about it, you could always go full-conversion,” he suggested. He had no idea whether a full-conversion cyborg could actually live that long or not (he rather doubted it), but he wasn’t exactly being serious anyway.

Kyrie looked adorably resigned as she slouched forward to the next part of the exhibit. “Maybe I’ll just try to book a ride on a sleeper ship,” she said. Then she stopped and clenched her hands again. “But that’s a dead-end trip!”


They stepped through a threshold out onto a broad Martian desert. Under a pink sky red sand stretched to the horizon in every direction, the way they came appearing as a portal hanging in the empty air. Before them stood one of the first habitation modules used in the early colonization of the planet, and off in the distance a spacesuited family of prospectors tended to a wind generator. The suited figures turned to them and waved, and James felt himself instinctively raising his hand to wave back before catching himself. None of it was real, of course. Well, the hab itself probably was, but even that was a replica, a copy built using the centuries-old blueprints of the originals that had long since been cannibalized as mankind’s first colonies expanded. He had to admit the holographic simulation was pretty impressive, though. The ground even crunched under their feet, though a glance down showed no dust on his scuffed work boots. Probably some sort of substrate underneath a thin layer of plastic, he thought.

Inside the hab was depressingly utilitarian. Cramped bunks, a tiny kitchen nook, a bathroom, and a common area all crammed into a cylindrical module smaller than the Ataraxia’s galley. He’d thought living on a ship was claustrophobic his first trip out, but living in one of these things, centuries before the FTL network would have connected him with the rest of the Solar System, he probably would have either gone insane or educated himself into a genius through sheer boredom. Of course Kyrie seemed to think it was just great. It probably reminded her of her childhood home, James thought.


By the time they left the hab and returned to the modern age, the school tour group had left them far behind. Awaiting them in the next section of the exhibit was a history of Man’s first steps on the planet; first a tentative short-term scientific mission, little more than a “footprints and flag” stunt, then larger groups, longer stays, scientific stations, and finally full-fledged colonies. More waist-high holographic dioramas charted their progress, from the first lander to hab modules like the one they’d just passed through, and then finally to the familiar domed cities associated with the colonization of any hostile planet and still seen throughout the Outer Planets on moons either too small or too otherwise useful to terraform.

Reading the accompanying signs, James doubted he would ever qualify to help colonize a new world. The first settlers on Mars had been geniuses, the leaders in their fields and made to go through all manner of rigorous selection processes. No one was allowed who did not have some vital task to perform once they’d arrived at their destination. Simply wanting to go was not enough; they had to prove they could pull their weight and then some. James Niven, a college dropout from Beon-yeong who’d only recently learned how to put on a spacesuit or operate a 0g workpod, wouldn’t even have made it past the first round of selections. It wasn’t until later, when things were well up and running, that Mars was allowed to open her arms to the waves of settlers eager to make a fresh start offworld.

It was a little funny, he thought with a glance at Kyrie, how far they’d come since those days. The first trips to Mars had taken years of development and training and entire rooms of people watching along on Earth, even the shortest routes had lasted well over a month, and the first people to cross the vast interplanetary distances had been close to twice their age and had put more work into getting there than the two of them combined had ever put into anything in their lives. And now, here beside him was a woman not even halfway into her twenties who had not only just flown the two of them and the rest of their shipmates here from Jupiter in a matter of weeks, but made her living flying out to just about every other port they sent manned vessels to in the Solar System. The daughter of wandering asteroid prospectors, Kyrie Webster had been born and raised on a spaceship and had learned to fly one long before she’d ever learned to operate a car. She’d never taken a formal training course in her life, and yet all she’d needed to qualify as a commercial pilot were a practical exam and the necessary modifications to her cyberbrain to allow her to link up with the ship and perform complex orbital calculations in her head. And she was by no means a special case; the Solar System was filled with people like her, who saw the cold reaches of outer space not as a forbidding and dangerous frontier but as a comforting, familiar home.

His thoughts were interrupted when Kyrie let out a sound like a cross between a derisive snort and a giggle. When James turned to see what was so funny, she just pointed at the sign she was reading and said “Look at this.”

He moved over and skimmed the text. It catalogued the various dangers the earliest visitors to Mars faced or worried about facing, from the long-term health effects of zero-gravity, to cosmic radiation, to Martian weather, to the possibility of catching some exotic alien disease. He cocked an eyebrow at her. “…I don’t get it,” he said.

With the look of someone forced to explain the blindingly obvious she pointed to the last item on the list. “Diseases?” she asked, as though he were the one who’d written the sign. “Really?”

He was about to say it sounded reasonable to him, but then stopped himself and thought. Mars may have been dead when humans arrived, but they’d encountered extraterrestrial life elsewhere since then, in the Solar System beneath the ice of Europa and then orbiting other stars on Brimmicombe, Azuma, Wanderer, and others. He hadn’t really paid attention, but he couldn’t recall hearing about any of the extrasolar colonies being laid low by alien plagues. Even over the FTL it took a while for news from the Extrasolars to arrive in the Solar System, but he assumed he would have heard about something like that. He also assumed Kyrie, with her obsession with space travel and unattainable dream of traveling the galaxy in an FTL-capable ship, would probably know more about it than he would. “I’m…guessing that’s silly?” he asked finally.

Kyrie nodded and crossed her arms. “Of course it is,” she said, “an alien virus wouldn’t even be able to infect us. We’d be too different from whatever it is evolved to infect.”

“Are you a biologist now, too?” James asked with a smirk.

Kyrie just shrugged. “I grew up on a spaceship, I had a lot of time to read,” she said. “Anyway, they’ve tried to infect terrestrial life with alien diseases out in the Extrasolars, just to see what was dangerous, and nothing could even get a foothold. It’s like a bird disease that can’t infect mammals but times like, a thousand or something.” She looked at him, pointing a finger. “You know most alien venoms don’t even work on us? They’re evolved to attack specific types of cells and nerve receptors and stuff that we just don’t have, so they’re pretty much harmless.”

James rolled that around in his head and nodded. It did make sense he supposed, but he’d never done particularly well in biology classes. “Lucky for us then,” he said.

Kyrie shook her head and turned to move on to the next display. “For people who colonized another planet they sure were dumb back then,” she said, and James suppressed a smile. Kyrie saying anything mean about anyone seemed so out of character for her that he couldn’t help but find it hilarious whenever she did.


The next stage in the exhibit was a greatly compressed timeline of the planet’s terraforming process, with holographic dioramas depicting the various steps that transformed Mars from a barren, windswept desert to the warm, green, wet world they currently stood on. Though a relatively simple process, it had taken far longer than the subsequent terraforming of Venus. Using huge reflective mirrors orbiting at the poles, early planetary engineers had managed to artificially raise the planet’s temperature enough to evaporate the carbon dioxide trapped there and increase the atmospheric pressure past the Armstrong limit, eliminating the need for pressure suits. As temperatures gradually increased the water frozen in the Martian soil also began to melt, which was helped along by the introduction of hydrogen, ammonia, and methane into the thickening atmosphere, both to cause a greenhouse effect to further raise global temperatures and produce even more water. Meanwhile autonomous spacecraft hurled outwards to the Kuiper Belt attached rockets onto suitable objects and accelerated them down the gravity well to gravitationally nudge the Martian orbit into a more circular trajectory, while on the surface early colonists seeded the deserts with genetically engineered grasses and lichens. The former put an end to the drastic weather systems that caused the planet’s global sandstorms, while the latter decreased the planet’s albedo and allowed the surface to absorb even more sunlight while the plants began the slow process of pulling carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere and replacing it with oxygen. The amount was negligible at first, nowhere near enough to breathe, but as the process continued and Mars was slowly made more amenable to Earthly plants oxygen gradually rose to breathable levels. The display made it seem like a rather speedy process, but the ever-present signage made it clear that it had taken centuries; Mars had only reached its current state about two hundred years ago, and according to most estimates its atmosphere, if left untended, would probably last anywhere between a few tens of thousands to a few hundred million years longer before degradation from solar winds rendered the planet uninhabitable once more. That left plenty of time to work out a solution, either for reinforcing the atmosphere or devising a way to artificially generate a planet-scale magnetosphere.

At one end of the sequence rotated the old Mars, a dry, reddish-brown desert world with large white caps at its poles. Though he didn’t know much of the planet’s geography he did recognize some of its features, such as the huge canyon system that would eventually become the Mariner Sea, the broad flat expanse that would become the floor of the Bradbury Ocean, and of course the enormous flat-topped cone of Mount Olympos, the highest mountain in the Solar System. It was an impressive representation, based as it was on data hundreds of years old, but he had a hard time imagining why in the world anyone would want to live there. At the opposite end was the current Mars: green and blue, clean and beautiful and thriving. Unlike Earth, modern Mars had never had to suffer its inhabitants polluting its atmosphere with all manner of noxious gases. By the time Mars had a substantial atmosphere cleaner, non-polluting energy sources had been discovered, and Mars was able to start pristine and, for the most part, stay that way. What was more any greenhouses gasses that were released, which would have only made things worse back on Earth, actually helped the Martians, allowing its atmosphere to retain more heat without depending so much on orbital mirrors. It was hardly surprising that the fourth planet would one day surpass the third as the most attractive of the Inner Planets.


From there, it was on to the inevitable: the fight for independence from Earth. After all, with an entire world of resources at their disposal, not many Martians saw the point in remaining the colonies of a planet that the majority of them had never even been to in generations. The war’s timeline was well-known to anyone who had paid attention in history class. The movements among the various colonies to petition for independence were landslides on Mars, but Earth, already badly depleted of resources, had no intention of letting go of its first offworld colony and refused to recognize their sovereignty. Protests and acts of sabotage on Earth-owned companies and equipment spread across the planet, and in response Earth dispatched warships to crush the independence movement before it got out of hand. They were met in space by the combined Martian navies, and the skies above the fourth planet from the sun became a battleground. The fight had been long and costly, but the outcome had been all but inevitable. While Earth may have had more ships, Mars had not only the technological advantage but also a home to fight for. Unlike Earth, they weren’t flinging their men and women millions of miles across interplanetary space to fight over a planet they’d never set foot on. They were fighting on their front doorsteps, for their right to defend their homes and govern themselves as they saw fit. Their eventual victory, forcing Earth to call for a truce and bitterly concede to Martian independence, came as a surprise to virtually no one who had been paying attention.

On one side of the exhibit were famous Martian leaders and military officers of the war, ships and weapons used in the conflict, and holographic recreations of pivotal battles and victories. On the other side were displayed their Earthly counterparts. James had half expected a Martian bias in the displays, but there didn’t seem to be one; then again, the war had happened hundreds of years ago and Mars and Earth had long since settled their differences and become close allies. He supposed there wasn’t much of a point in trying to put a spin on something that was literally ancient history to both parties.

On the other hand, he noticed the Belters’ war for independence, which Mars had also taken part in, rated only a passing mention at the very end of the exhibit. He and Kyrie exchanged smirks at that; Mars had initially opposed Belt independence, and even nowadays occasionally made something of a nuisance of itself trying to increase its influence there, though not nearly to the extent that Earth had. While it could afford to present a balanced account of its own independence what with having come out the victor, the situation of the Belt still remained somewhat tenuous and the exhibit’s planners likely didn’t want to risk exacerbating the problem or offending any Belter tourists by advertising the fact that Mars had tried to stand in the way of their freedom. It was a sharp contrast to the situation back home in the Jovian Alliance, where historians seemingly never passed up the chance to pat themselves on the back over Jupiter’s involvement in helping the Belters to gain and keep their independence.


After the exhibit, they stepped out into the museum’s broad main hall and looked around. “So, where to next?” James asked. They still had a few hours to kill before evening, when Doc Blish had promised to treat the crew to dinner at a restaurant that she assured them was one of the best in Helium. He briefly imagined the two of them renting a room at a short-stay hotel to eat up some of the intervening time, but immediately dismissed the idea. Not only did he seriously doubt that she was that kind of girl, but he wasn’t that kind of guy. Besides, if anyone else on the ship found out he’d be dead meat. Kyrie was slowly sweeping her gaze around the museum, trying to decide. Her eyes settled for a moment on the gift shop, then widened suddenly as she remembered something. “Oh!” she said excitedly, “I just remembered they finally put the Martian fossils on display!” Without waiting for him, she hurried off towards the natural history wing. He smiled, sighed, and shook his head as he followed after her. Dork. Three-dimensional renders of the fossils were already all over the FTL, so it wasn’t like she hadn’t seen them already anyway. Oh well, he thought as he moved between the locals and fellow tourists in her wake. At least she’s a cute dork.