“Baby Adults”

Posted on July 25, 2024 by rgemom | Leave a comment

In my last post, I referred to our children as being “baby adults.” It brought a few comments, and a few giggles. I’ve been calling them baby adults for the last five-ish years. I mean really….at 18, and even at 21, would you consider someone a full-fledged adult? Technically, I guess, but honestly, their frontal lobes are still developing. And they just don’t know how to do all the things. My three are all in college (undergrad and law school). They have a safety net to their current level of adulthood. Yes, two of them are out on their own, but we still help with most of their expenses – rent, groceries, utilities. Also, while they might work, they are not yet in their careers, and most of their time is spent on classes and friends/significant others….being young adults, typical college students.

Why else do I call them baby adults? Well, if you have or have had kids this age, you’ve also received those phone calls with the questions….where does a stamp go on the envelope? And then where do I go to send the envelope? Where can I find such-and-such in the grocery store? (uh, my grocery store is not the same as yours….look at those fancy signs above each aisle). Can I put cash INTO the ATM or just take it out? Does my car use synthetic oil? I can’t get the key out of my car! (Maybe make sure you put it in Park?) How do I get internet at my apartment? (they assumed everywhere just had internet) How do I pay this utility bill? (that didn’t actually allow you to pay it online….that involved someone getting actual checks for their checking account and then learning how to write them). And on and on it goes. Sometimes I write them down because, hey, that’s some good stuff right there. Keeping it for posterity, and to embarrass them at their eventual wedding receptions someday, if they each get married.

Have you seen the dad on Instagram and/or TikTok who does the videos of the texts he gets from his teenage and baby adult children? He’s hilarious. I laugh, because my kids have asked or said so many of the very same things. It’s just so real life. It’s the_leighton_show if you want to check it out. I highly recommend for solid laughs.

No one ever told me how much work it is parenting baby adults. Seriously…it’s constant. Most of it is fun and funny, but bigger kids = bigger, much more impactful problems. And again with that not-quite-finished frontal lobe. I get high anxiety at times….the stakes are just so much bigger, and I have almost zero control anymore, generally watching from a distance. I know I have to let them live, let them make the decisions, make the mistakes, learn and recover from those mistakes. We offer advice, when they ask. We offer a shoulder when needed. But it is mentally and emotionally exhausting on a whole different level than when they were little.

Baby adults…that’s what they are in my mind, and I’ll stick by that definition. Do you have baby adults in your life, or have you made it past this stage? If you’re not there yet, buckle up, it’s coming! And may the odds be ever in your favor.

A strange bias

Posted on January 26, 2023 by rgemom | 1 Comment

The Princess goes to California Polytechnic, San Luis Obispo. It is a Cal State school (yay – not expensive for us in-state peeps!), however it also has a deserved reputation for being difficult to get accepted. It is something of a prestigious Ag/Architecture/Engineering school. There are now three Cal Polys in the state, with the other two being in Pomona and Humbolt. I don’t know the level of difficulty there is for getting accepted to Pomona or Humbolt, I only know our experience with SLO. It is a different kind of experience to go to Cal Poly. Students really have to know what they really want to study – it is extremely difficult to change majors once you’re there, particularly if you want to switch “school” ie from Ag to Engineering, or a Liberal Arts field to Ag. These kids are brilliant at what they do, and have to be decisive at 18 when applying. But I am yet again off topic. Suffice it to say, Cal Poly SLO is a school full of incredibly smart, incredibly focused, incredibly talented students.

Here is what I’ve noticed from the minute the Princess was accepted to CP SLO and clicked the “Commit” button…every time – and I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME – I tell anyone she goes to Cal Poly, the person assumes, and asks, “Pomona?” as if there is no way a girl, much less my girl, could get into or attend Cal Poly SLO. Honestly, it’s infuriating. She’s wicked smart, and she works her ass off. She earned that admittance, has earned four quarters on the Dean’s List which puts her on the President’s List. She has her major and two minors, dances with the Orchesis Dance Company on campus, writes for the Mustang Media Group, and continues to have a strong social life. Oh, she also works. Most of the kids at Cal Poly do the same, have the same level of intensity to their experience.

As the mom of a daughter, I am offended by the bias a girl shouldn’t/can’t go to a polytechnic school, much less one with a prestigious reputation. Her friends are some of the sweetest, most-engaging, fun girls, who also happen to kick ass at math, science, engineering, marine science, aerospace. GIRLS are doing these things, often with more ease than their male counterparts. So when someone responds to me with, “Pomona?” when I say she goes to Cal Poly, I lose my ish. Why do we still, as a society, consciously or subconsciously assume a girl can’t be successful in STEM? Can’t be “smart” enough to get into a STEM school?

Earlier in P’s college career, she actually did a paper on females in the engineering school on campus. I had the opportunity to read that paper and was stunned. The bias these young women come up against is ridiculous, given we live in the 21st century where we actually have female world leaders. How far we have come, but how far we have yet to go? It is mind-boggling, to say the least.

P will graduate well before this issue resolves. I’m sure for years after she graduates, when I tell people where she graduated from, they’re still going to ask, “Pomona?” No, you tool, my daughter, as well as many other young women, is quite brilliant and if she’s good enough for Cal Poly SLO to accept, then you should too, and these women should be acknowledged and honored for their incredible minds, strong work ethics, and just basic badass female abilities.

To the Mommas Letting Go

Posted on August 18, 2022 by rgemom | 2 Comments

Big Man left to go back to school last Friday evening. He starts classes next week, but wanted time to move into their house and get settled, get back to his job at the golf course, and hang out with his friends before digging into another year of college. The Princess doesn’t leave for a few more weeks yet – her college is on the quarter system, so we get her home a little bit longer. My neighbor across the street sent her two off yesterday and the day before, becoming a full empty-nester in less than 24 hours. We have been commiserating all week. For some moms, I’ve heard it does get easier to send their babies back to college. We’re starting our fourth year of this, and trust me, I still cried when Big Man drove away, his truck loaded to the rafters with his things. I know I will cry again when P and her cat pull out of the driveway September 10th.

The quiet is the hardest part for me to get used to. I miss hearing just their normal daily activities throughout the house – hearing them walking around upstairs, their music playing out by the pool, the washer and dryer going as they do their laundry. Our grocery bill diminishes as we go from shopping for five, to four, to three. I have to re-learn how to cook for basically two people as Z rarely will eat what Spouse and I are eating. The water bill drops as fewer people are showering and doing laundry in the house. Our house cleaner has fewer beds and bedrooms to deal with. I tend to close their bedroom doors at least the first few weeks they’re gone. It just makes it easier to not see the empty rooms. I miss talking with them face-to-face. I miss our movie nights, bingeing whatever show we’re on, lounging in the pool, swapping books with P, making food I know they love.

This is the first year we won’t go with either of them to get them moved in. We didn’t help Big Man last year – didn’t even see the house where he was living until we went out for a visit in February. This year, P will have friends help her move into her house. It’s still a bit bizarre to me they have these whole worlds we’ve never seen. We will go to visit P for her birthday in October, and we’ve driven by her new digs when we were out in May. We may see Big Man in October as well.

I’ve been watching the posts of all my momma friends who are watching their college students drive away, or are helping their babies move into dorms, apartments, rental houses. We all have our own ways of letting go. For me, it was making their beds in their dorms and apartments. I won’t have that this year, so I’ll have to come up with a new way to give that last mom comfort I seem to need to give. I know we’re meant to let them go. I know they’re meant to go out into the world, become full-fledged, productive, independent adults. After so many years of doing so much – driving everywhere for everything school or sports related, volunteering in classrooms, going on field trips, cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundering, just plain raising babies – to just watch them go, is difficult.

Mommas of college babies – how do you let go? What traditions have you developed to help you in the process?

Mid-Summer Herd Check-In

Posted on July 19, 2022 by rgemom | 2 Comments

Yes, it is indeed basically the middle of summer, although that has an entirely different meaning around here now that we are done with compulsory education. That feels weird to say, much less consider. We do have the entire Herd home this summer, and it has been simply awesome. We’ve spent nights poolside, evenings by one or the other firepit, even spent one happy hour sitting on our backyard putting green just talking. Four of the five of us spent nine days in Turks & Caicos (Big Man failed to replace his lost passport in time to join us), returning this past Thursday night…..hours of pool time, beach time, dance parties, resort entertainment, snorkeling, kayaking, paddle boarding, reading, laughing. And Spouse, the Princess and I are on Season 3 of Peaky Blinders, with Persuasion up next on our binging radar.

Every time we all sit down to a meal together, I realize just how lucky and blessed we are. This time is limited. This time is a gift, and we all seem to understand exactly that. I am thoroughly enjoying all the conversations, listening to their theories on life, their dreams, their plans, their life problems. The house is full. The fridge is full. The shopping trips are frequent. The dishwasher and laundry seem to run on the daily. The driveway (and front of the house) is full of cars. There’s an extra cat in the house. People are constantly coming and going to this outing, that job. I don’t know the pool has ever been used this much, excepting Covid summer two years ago when no one could go anywhere else.

Too soon, my house will start to empty again. Big Man leaves in about a month, the Princess just a few weeks after that. Z will be staying home, but they keep to themselves for the most part (although we have seen more of them this summer with their siblings home). Our fall is already beyond busy. I do know, though, just how quiet the house will be once the older two head back to their college lives. As per usual, I will leave their bedroom doors shut the first few weeks they’re gone. I will miss their noises, their dishes, their meal requests, their laundry (which they do themselves, but it still takes up space). I will miss them.

Instead of thinking of the end of this summer, I’m just going to deep dive on each moment we have, be present, hold it close, hold them closer. We will take all the photos, drink all the wine, read all the summer reads, float all the pool floats, watch all the movies and binge-worthy shows, take in all the firepit fires, eat all the meals. We will share the rest of the summer as only our Herd can.

How’s your summer going?