THESE BASTARDS

From some bullshit protest, a picture that sums up for me every single trust fund anarchist, smashing up a storefront in the name of whatever: some early twenties asshole in designer, pre-ripped skinny jeans and sandals, raging so hard against the police that their trendy white sunglasses fall off and they sweat up their $120 faux-vintage t-shirt. I bet she was screaming something about corporations when this all went down.

Fuck all these G-20/Greek protest people, the police cannot beat them hard enough.

A protester urinates in front of a row of policemen during riots following the death of a 15-year-old boy in San Carlos de Bariloche on June 18, 2010. According to local media, provincial government officials have confirmed that four police officers, involved in the incident which left the boy dead during an alleged robbery, have been removed from their posts. Three people have died and at least 12 have been injured during the clashes.

Pissing on police to protest an event where police killed some suspects. Yeah, 'm not thinking this worked out to well for our urinating protester. Still, one does appreciate the spirit.

(h/t Internet Jesus)

Kanellos the Protest Dog (pictured above) has been making frequent appearances at Athens demonstrations over the past two years. Head over to the Guardian for a bunch of photos.

Clicking through the images, I find it interesting that Kanellos seems at times actively engaged in the protests, whereas in other instances he simply sits and watches the show. Thus, it's hard to guess at his politics.

Given this information, I have no reason not to believe that Kanellos is the earthly incarnation of Eris, the Greek goddess of strife, discord, contention and rivalry. Prove me wrong.

You know, for all their crazy backwoods behavior, low rent racism, misspelled signs, complete fundamental misunderstanding of the issues they claimed to care about, the complete co-opting by corporations and the mainstream GOP, and their tragic misappropriation of Colonial and revolutionary trappings, the teabaggers responded to the financial crisis in a rational way.

OK, they didn't. In comparison to Greece they responded to the crisis in a relatively normal way.

Three people were killed in an apparent firebomb attack on a bank in central Athens Wednesday as a massive protest against recent Greek austerity measures turned violent and angry youths rampaged through the city center torching several businesses, smashing shop windows and overturning garbage bins.
...
The violence Wednesday came as tens of thousands of protesters gathered to demonstrate against the government's recently announced austerity measures in one of the largest protests in recent years, and coincide with a nationwide general strike that has paralyzed the country.

The strike is seen as a key test of the government's ability to shepherd through tough austerity measures in exchange for an €110 billion ($143 billion) bailout loan from the European Union and the International Monetary Fund.

Greece is on the precipice of complete financial collapse as a result of the crisis, had to be bailed out by the IMF, conspired with Goldman-Sachs to mask the extent of the problem, and the government took the rather drastic measure of cutting wages for public workers, putting a three-year freeze on pensions, and increasing taxes on fuel, alcohol, and tobacco in order to deal with the IMF loan that might just end up making things worse for Greece in the end.

Kind of makes things like a black President and Congressional Democrats engaging in their Constitutionally mandated duty to pass legislation, seem like kind of a ridiculous thing to get worked up about, doesn't it? On the other hand, the President is really, really black.

So congrats, Tea Party movement. When compared to a country facing much worse financial problems and protesters dealing with it in much more violent ways, you come out smelling like roses. Thanks for only advocating for the burning, shooting, and killing of things you don't like, not actually doing it.

Via the Huffington Post comes this bizarre gem from the Tea Party rally yesterday


Finally someone willing to stand up to the lizard reploids and their undue influence on world politics. No, seriously. Bonus points for the Alan Moore reference.

Honestly though, while most lizards don't want to help us -- don't even get me started on iguanas -- that Geico gecko seems like a very helpful chap. Don't cast aspersions on all lizards.

Let me note to the tea baggers: this is the kind of insanity I can get behind. It's much more sane seeming than, say, a bunch of you kooks berating, insulting, and mocking a man with Parkinsons who is advocating for reform. Lizard people is something I can get behind.

Via the Guardian comes this look at some of the winners in the World Press Photo Awards 2010.

As you may be aware, protests have sprung up again in Iran with government backed violence, political assassinations, arrests, and threats of more government backed violence occurring on a daily basis. Actually, if you watch TV news you aren't aware.

I know what you're saying, "This shit is still going on? But my Twitter location is still listed as Tehran, I don't understand why that didn't work." I know, I don't understand either. Perhaps Khamenei and Ahmadinejad just don't understand just how forcefully people meant it when they clicked on Settings and scrolled all the way down to Location. But not to worry, our political establishment, when it isn't calling for the carpet bombing of these protesters, is fully in support of these protests with all the might that cheap, cheap words can provide. President Barry explains:

The United States joins with the international community in strongly condemning the violent and unjust suppression of innocent Iranian citizens, which has apparently resulted in tensions, injuries and even death.
...
Along with all free nations, the United States stands with those who seek their universal rights. We call upon the Iranian government to abide by the international obligations that it has to respect the rights of its own people. We call for the immediate release of all who have been unjustly detained within Iran. We will continue to bear witness to the extraordinary events that are taking place there. And I am confident that history will be on the side of those who seek justice.

So you see Iranian protesters, you have history and the rightness of your beliefs on your side. I really hope that's enough to withstand a basij guard and police force that is firing automatic weapons at you, because that's all we are going to provide right now; moral support from a distance.

Actually we do have one more thing to offer you: sanctions! Now I know what you Iranian protesters might be saying to yourselves, "How will sanctions that will almost invariably negatively affect the very people who are protesting, do additional harm to the freedom movement, while almost certainly not moving the Iranian government closer to any of your goals, actually help?" I don't know. But it will make us look tough and like we're taking substantive action, so shut up.

Fuck it, you know what I'm going to do for you? I'm going to Twitter, clicking Settings, scrolling down to Location and putting in Tehran... in all caps. Maybe I'll add a few exclamation points. We'll see if I can't get this government toppled by mid-January at the latest.

The Sarah Palin book tour rolls ever on. But just a word of warning, if you want to make a salsa, a gazpacho, or have a nice slice of an heirloom tomato on a giant burger made from a meat-bearing animal, you'd better prepare it a day or so in advance. Tomatoes are not allowed in the presence of Alaskan royalty.

While going through the check-out lane, again with no wait, [Rappaport] told the clerk she forgot to get some grape tomatoes, which she loves, so she would be right back.
...
The clerk told her they had no tomatoes that day.
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As she was leaving, she noticed a man with a store manager's name tag and asked him why they had no tomatoes. He informed her the store did have tomatoes, but they were taken off the shelves for a few hours.

It turns out that Palin had been pelted with a tomato at an earlier stop on her book tour and the management at the Costco was determined it wouldn't happen here.

Superb. It turns out that a man from the great state of Minnesota, attempting to win the love of both Sean and myself for continually electing Michelle Bachmann, tossed what the French would call a "love apple" at Palin... missing and hitting a cop instead. I'm sure it was something the man and the cop had a good laugh over during the tomato thrower's violent beating in lockup. Trust me, it was catsup coming out of the man's ears.

Thus, tomatoes are fruit/vegetable-non-grata in our megamarkets when our next President rolls into town on a snowmobile pulled by a gaggle of moose to promote her book. But I think this all teaches us an important lesson: when one wishes to pelt elected and newly resigned politicians with food, it's best to shop at the local farmer's market and support the area agriculture community. When smashing a governor with fruit, you really want to know that it had a low carbon footprint, was organic, and was sustainable.

The various police beatings, country targeted protests, Greenpeace demonstrations, an dirty, dirty hippies that are in Copenhagen to watch the world fail. 230 people were arrested yesterday as clashes got serious and an attempt was made to rush the summit and occupy the floor of the negotiations. How is that Pittsburgh was the one city that was able to handle a major world summit without shit getting too emotional?

But as we learn at all climate summits: a consensus on action may be hard, but everyone can always agrees that beating up hippies is carbon neutral.

Paint huffing world champion Michelle Bachmann has upped the ante on her eternal struggle against the socialists, organizing a gathering of tea baggers so massive it will make MLK's civil rights marches looks like last week's meeting of the Detroit Lions fan club. Listen to her promote it:

Rep. Michele Bachmann took to Fox this morning to promote her tea party rally this week, calling it the "Super Bowl of freedom."
...
"The only way they're going to listen is if real freedom-loving Americans come here to Washington noon on Thursday, look at the whites of the eyes of their members of Congress and say, 'Don't you remember, I told you don't take away my health care,'" she said

Ok, these are almost assuredly people that don't have health care or have bad health care going to protest attempts to make their situation better after they protested...Obama keeping their taxes the same or cutting their taxes. We'll....we'll just let that one slide.

No, what I'm outraged about is calling this thing the "Super Bowl of Freedom." Oh no you don't, Minnesota's shame, the Super Bowl is the Super Bowl of Freedom! Can you name me any other event that so universally encapsulates the United States of Freemerica's values of capitalism, consumerism, sports, violence, commercialism, violence, sitting motionless in front of the TV, and capitalism more than the Super Bowl? If there is one, it sure as shit isn't teabag clad birth certificate experts enraged over the fact they might be able to finally afford health care.

Apologize to the NFL, Michelle, you made Brett Favre cry.

5,00 farmers with 1,000 tractors and at least 1 cow were out in force to protest the European Union's inaction on low dairy prices and monetary losses for dairy farmers that could reach 14 billion euros. Those G20 anarchists are amateurs, European dairy farmers know how to take it to the man: with teat based attacks.

NEW YORK—In what has been a surprising addendum to last week's G20 summit in Pittsburgh, many of the Presidents and Prime Ministers who attended the global forum gathered today at the UN to announce that for once they were going to act on all the promises that were made and start making serious progress towards reforming many of society’s ills. But what was most surprising about today’s events was the reason these dignitaries and leaders gave for deciding to finally make that change: the widespread protests, riots, and demonstrations that again accompanied a gathering of the world’s elite.

“I think it was when I saw that large banner unfurled on one of Pittsburgh’s many bridges,” observed Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, referring to the Danger: Climate Destruction Ahead sign hung by Greenpeace. “I mean sure, we all knew that climate change was a serious issue. But when the problem was so succinctly summarized in a sarcastic banner made to look like a warning label, it was then I knew that action needed to be taken.”

“Plus,” he added, as other leaders nodded in agreement. “I’m a big fan of bridge rappelling as a device for social and economic change.”

It was at this point that others stepped forward to tell what protest moment had personally touched them.

“For me, it was when I saw a guy wearing a black mask and looking like he just got out of ska band practice wave around a sign that said 'Abolish Money',” said German Prime Minister Andrea Merkel. “Instead of thinking it was perhaps the most sad and pathetic thing I’d ever seen or how the man probably had his parents buy him a plane ticket and drive him from his upper class suburban residence to the airport to be able to come here and protest, I thought about how we had failed to make economic fairness a big enough priority. Thank you, Abolish Money guy, we just never thought of it before.”

Prime Minister Merkel's sentiments were common amongst the world leaders. Several confessed that many of the placards, banners, and angry chants contained ideas that no one in government at any level had ever thought to consider before.

“I mean, ‘Don’t bailout fat cats’?” an exasperated Gordon Brown of the UK asked. “It had just never occurred to me! Brilliant! Same goes for the suggestions that we increase regulation and oversight. I mentioned it to President Obama and he seemed dumbstruck. Furthermore, as we’re finding out, it seems that getting these new laws enacted and passed is a relatively simple matter, seeing as there are no competing political ideologies within our countries, nor any feuding economic or social interests with our legislators in their pockets.”

“Unbelievable,” Brown said, laughing as if he couldn’t believe he hadn’t realized all of this. “Governing really is as easy as all these protesters seem to believe it is.”

For others, it was the violence of the weekend that made the greatest difference.

“When I saw how willing the protesters were to bust out the windows of an Arby’s, recklessly destroy property, and deliberately provoke and attack police, I knew they were serious about their beliefs,” said Prime Minister Recep Erdogan of Turkey, still clearly moved by the events.

“I mean sure, some cynical people might say they were just selfish egotists deliberately destroying things and getting themselves arrested in order to head back to their liberal arts colleges and talk about ‘how real shit got at the G20’ to their classmates. Or that their naive and dimwitted political philosophies wouldn’t be fit to run a country larger than a parking lot grilled cheese stand at a Phish concert, but I know differently. I saw the Arby’s storefront."

Added Erdogan, "With my own two eyes, man.”

The press conference ended when one reporter asked if the G20 would be bringing in some of the protest leaders to help formulate policies and strategies and the world leaders, bursting at the seams, broke out into what seemed to be long contained and stifled laughter.

“Fuck no,” cried out Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, doubled over with laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks. “It was all useless posturing that changed nothing. The world is a complicated place and it’s difficult to get things changed on a large enough scale when you don’t have half-wits outside getting tear gassed while you make an honest attempt to do so. We suggest they all grow up.”

President Obama smiled and pointed to the assembled media “God, ‘protests changing something’” he guffawed. “Admit it, we totally had you fooled. I can’t believe you bought that bullshit. Now if you’ll excuse all of us, we have to go run the world according to the way it really works. Which is almost too depressing to think about. Fuck off.”

Hey, that was great. Some trust fund anarchists got maced, Hu Jintao learned not to order the large fries at the O unless you're really hungry, John Oliver looks to have a good piece for the Daily Show next week, Silvio Berlusconi tried to fuck Michelle Obama, the Burgh set some sort of sarcastic protest record, a bunch of storefronts got their windows busted, the TFA's got to meet some OG's from the Hill down at county, and our world leaders solemnly swore that they'll try to do something preventative and ahead of time the next time there's a economic crisis on the horizon or something. Super. Now fuck off and let's never do this again.

Some people think all these G20 protests are about poverty, or climate change, the bailouts, or just general douchey left wing rabble rousing. But I think we're missing the main angle. These aren't protests, they're left over celebrations from the Penguins Stanley Cup. Geno!!!!!! LETS GO PENS!

This sick move probably convinced the G20 to forgive all third world debt and finally reach a consensus on climate change.

/via HuffPo's G20 protest slide show

Ahh Pittsburgh, it was a busy first day for as the center of the free world/magnet for trust fund anarchists. Protesters decided to riot and destroy things in Lawrenceville, but given the fact that it was Lawrenceville, failed to damage anything that urban blight hadn't taken care of. Handy tip for next time protesters: want to get us riled up, then go after Squirrel Hill or Heinz Field. Protesters decide to take their rage out on chain chicken restaurants, with Boston Market and KFC not being spared the wrath of spoiled upper middle class white kids. There was even a report on KDKA tv that the KFC got its windows busted out after a protester went inside and demanded a free meal, because he had left his wallet and ID at home in order to fight the man even harder, and was denied. It was also a day where the cops decided to honor one of the city's greatest sports heroes, when in tribute to Mario Lemieux, they arrested 66 people. Also, some leaders met or something to discuss something.

All in all it was a typical G20 kind of day, probably with muchmuchmuch less actual destruction/violence than during G8 summits and previous G20 summits. You might think things are going well. You would be thinking wrong.

The Pittsburgh G-20 Partnership welcomes world leaders with an array of locally-made gifts that represent the vitality and culture of Pittsburgh. The gift bags, which will be handed out to the top three members of each delegation, include:

-Art glass bowls custom crafted by Sewickley, Pa. glass artist Jeffrey Phelps in Pittsburgh's signature colors of black and gold

-Eco-friendly CD case (to hold CDs of local music legends) and Metal Steelers-themed bag

-Signed Pittsburgh Pirates Baseball Cap to commemorate a team that has been a part of Pittsburgh's love affair with professional sports for more than 100 years.

-The Pittsburgh Steelers Terrible Towel, made famous by the late Pittsburgh Steelers broadcaster Myron Cope.

Gah! Flog the Steelers and Black and Gold much? We almost let the leaders out of the city thinking we maybe had some class. Then we had to blight them with the Pirates and the towel we wave while we're drunk in parking lots and/or rioting at the G20. Who the fuck autographed the Pirates hat? I will say the G20 leaders probably know who's on that team about as much as we do. Come now, Yinzburgh, when London had this shindig do you think they were handing out Arsenal football jerseys and "100 Greatest Hooligan Riots" DVD's? Let them take a painting from the Warhol museum or something. Andy mass produced those things, there's plenty. Just remember that for the next time the G20 is here, or you know, if they upgrade us to the G8 based on how well they like the Donnie Iris and Joe Grushecky CD's they got. Fingers crossed.

PITTSBURGH—It was supposed to be a routine trip to Hempy's Unlimited, the local fair-trade, recycled card stock store to gather materials for posters, placards, and signs to wave during protests of the upcoming G-20 summit, set to begin on September 24. But with Hempy's closed -- the proprietors are currently following Phish around the country -- area graphic artist and part-time anarchist Jake Rayner was forced to do the unthinkable: shop at the local Wal-Mart.

“Initially it made me sick to my stomach, but what was I going to do? The only shop that Wal-Mart hadn’t run out of business was closed and I needed to start work on the signs. And I really wants to get a head start on the crochet work for our six-foot yarn Satan,” said Rayner while flipping through a list of the names of G20 attendees to see how many could have an 'S' in their name replaced by a dollar sign. “What I saw when I entered the store nearly buckled my knees and knocked the wind out of me. The deals! My God, the deals!"

Among the many items that piqued his interest were the six-pack of multi-colored Sharpie markers (on sale for only $2!), the poster board (just $5.67 for a bundle of 50!), and a $12 Larry the Cable Guy t-shirt, which he assumed was being sold for ironic purposes.

“I always assumed the 'low' in 'low prices meant 'dirty' or 'underhanded'" said the embittered anti-corporatist, his eyes welling up with tears as he thought of the sheer joy he had known as the full extent of the price breaks were revealed to him. “I know, I know: they’re evil, multi-national, corporate, blah blah blah. Hell, I wrote up most of the material attacking them. Remember, you're talking to the guy who saved up an entire year's worth of excrement and sent it in bulk to News Corp."

“But just think of all the good I’ll be able to do with the money I save. Each penny I save on poster material can be spent on wheat paste and focus grouping my anti-capitalism slogans, so I might better spread the message. Maybe the ends do justify the means.”

To be sure, Rayner is not the first to rage against Sam Walton’s sale giant and end up loving the trillion-dollar monster’s bargain basement prices. In fact sources close to Wal-Mart executives and their future planning department note that this is just part of a long-term strategy to convert weekend anarchists, trustafarians, people who ride public transportation of their own free will, those who safety pin patches to their backpacks, left-wing socialists, people who start compost heaps, and other such freaks who are traditionally hostile to corporate evil with a bare bottom pricing scheme.

“You know how it goes: show them how useful we can be to them, then slowly convince them they can’t live without us,” said Kenny Walton, member of the Wal-Mart Board of Directors and Chairman of Wal-Mart’s Special Division for Truly Evil Shit. “Show them how much they can save, get them to believe they’ll be able to use those savings to further push their cause, get them to notice that hemp rattan chair we have on sale or the shirt we slapped the phrase ‘organic cotton’ on, then get them to kill on behalf of our glorious corporation. You know there isn’t even such a thing as ‘organic cotton”? Nothing has been made of cotton in at least 30 years.”

“It’s a shame though,” Walton said, his hand gripping a cane that seemed to be made of the femur and skull of a small boy. “He was right about us. All the protesters are. But now who’ll believe them? Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go laugh manically while lightening flashes in the background.”

As for Rayner, he noted he was considering using Wal-Mart to purchase his papier-mâché supplies for a large model he was building of a pig, dressed like a banker, defecating a large burlap sack of money.

“That is,” he noted ominously, “if I even still believe in the movement. Now that I think about it, espousing the belief that a society could actually work based around a mish-mash of anarchism, communism, and no monetary system is impossibly childish. As is the notion that waving around a hectoring puppets, dressing in a pink stormtrooper outfit, or getting maced by the police would ever cause men like Silvio Berlusconi to give up their cushy lives of pampered corruption. You know what? I think I’m going to get a job.”

And with that, next month’s G-20 protests were left with one less person to make spray-paint stencils of world leaders riding nuclear bombs. Off in the distance, lightning flashed and the faint sound of laughter was heard.

pic via code poet

With Michael Jackson sufficiently dead, his family's memorial tribute singles, and petty squabbling over the corpse not nearly interesting enough, it's time to reluctantly turn America's eye back to Iran, which is still having a little disagreement about the meaning of the words "democratic", "elected", and "Supreme Leader". It seems the people still want to be free and be partially ruled by the man they voted for, while the Ayatollah still would prefer his word to be law and that his security forces continue to Whack-a-Mole any protester who pops his head up. He's still pretty serious about it.

Iran's supreme leader told politicians Monday not to disturb the country's security in a strong warning to the opposition to back down after one of its top figures called for a referendum on the government.

Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei addressed "Iran's elite" and warned them to be cautious in the positions they take on the turmoil that has shaken the country since the disputed presidential election on June 12.

He said that hurting Iran's security was "the biggest vice," adding that "anybody who drives the society toward insecurity and disorder is a hated person in the view of the Iranian nation, whoever he is."

Remember "brazenly rigging an election": not hurting Iran's security. Saying "maybe we should let the guy the people voted for run things": hurting Iran's security. It's so nice being the conduit for God's word. Maybe I just don't understand Him or the way He communicates through His vessels, but why is the first thing God seems to tell all His earthy dictators to do is "be a total hypocrite" followed by "grasp onto power as hard as humanly possible"? You think God would have learned that's not a great plan by now.

Still, it seems Mousavi and his fellow reformist supporters didn't get Khamenei's oh so subtle message, as they were out begging to be imprisoned demanding a referendum and the release of detained protesters. I'm sure demanding stuff will really make a difference. We saw how things went when Mousavi politely asked for these things, I'm sure the new forceful tone will convince the Supreme Leader that absolute power isn't as great as he thinks it is.

As an addendum, if you're interested in a more in depth look at how things in Iran got to where they were, the BBC is starting a 3-part series called Iran and the West: From Khomeni to Ahmedinejad, the first part of which is up now. Spoiler alert: it doesn't have a feel good beginning or ending. The middle is kind of a downer too.

From the Big Picture blog comes more scenes from that whole revolution thing in Iran that is still evidently going on. Who can keep track with all the celebrities dying? I'm not certain but it seems like they're taking Michael Jackson's death pretty hard. It's OK Iran, his music will live on in our hearts forever.

This series does point out one of the better perks of being a Supreme Leader or Iran: a swank marble prayer pit. I mean other than the ultimate power, the ability to rig elections, the control over the media and security forces, and a yearly centerfold in Beard Aficionado Magazine, it's gotta be one of the better ones.