As the title has clearly indicated, I am expecting again. With another boy.

This pregnancy has been smooth sailing and so far, the easiest yet. I think the biggest factor is my weight loss prior to this pregnancy. I am still in obese according to my BMI (which I have been since high school *rolled eyes*). But, I started my pregnancy at least 10kg lighter than my weight during my wedding and now at 18weeks pregnancy, I have yet to reach that milestone yet.

No high blood pressure as assured by my cardiologist and no GDM. No spotting. I am still able to lug my heavy backpack to and fro the office via LRT. No morning sickness but I have evening to midnight sickness which I am okay since it doesn't interfere with my work schedule. Basically, I am very thankful for this pregnancy lack of issues :)

But, I don't get any pregnancy glow this time around. I have acne, dry & dull skin, my hair is shedding heavily sampai my husband getting worried looking at the amount of hair in the bathroom everyday despite my effort to kutip every helai yang gugur. 

Besides getting ready to deliver the baby, I have other "things" to deliver before I can take my peaceful maternity leave next year. I wanted to deliver this work project with flying colours as it is due for completion one month before my EDD and my home renovation project at least 2 months before my EDD.

So many things to do, so little time to think through.

At least I scrolled out my delivery matters this time around. After 2 emergency csec, this time I decided for elective csec no matter what. I will cramp as much nutrient I can to get a big baby (hoping for more than 3kg) and set a date sometimes end February or early March for the birth. My birth plan will be very simple, elective csec with full GA. I don't want to choose epidural and suddenly it failed in the OT again. Both my baby still get first APGAR reading of 9/10 even with full GA. Simple. Easy peasy. No drama.

Dalam aku busy dengan kehidupan seharian, tiba2 teringat dengan kawan2 lama. Terasa macam baru semalam bersembang all night long pasal life masing2 yang serabut haru biru.

Sekarang, semua dah settle down. Ada keluarga. Ada tanggungjawab. Banyak bil yang perlu dibayar.

Kawan2 jatuh nombor 2, kan?

Masa ni baru terfikir betapa bersyukurnya aku sebab I married my best friend. Kawan lama dari zaman belajar, kawan mengadu masa masing2 putus cinta, kawan bersembang masa kawan2 lain dah mula settle down dan kami masih struggle dengan kehidupan.

Walaupon dulu lepak kat kedai mamak 10 orang dan sekarang aku cuma bersembang larut malam dengan seorang. Aku bersyukur sebab si dia, lelaki yang aku panggil suami ni kenal aku sejak lebih 15 tahun dulu. Tak perlu aku nak berahsia, tak perlu aku nak cover-up kisah lama yang penuh cela, tak perlu aku nak berlagak sesuci malaikat tiada dosa. Dia tau semua kisah aku dan aku tau kisah dia.

Tenang.

Anniversary ke-5 bakal menjelma. Tak sangka, kan?

Well, I will be 35 years old (Gasp!) this year and no longer the angsty, broken and emo as what I was 10 years ago. I no longer feel the urge to let the world know my name nor show to the world my anger.

I am contented.

How different I am right now from who I was 10 years ago? A lot.

But, whenever I look at this blog and try to reminisce the good ol' days.. I can only say that some deeds are better forgotten, but I can never forget.

This is just a short update but yeah.. Malas, tapi nak update jugak because it is not fair for bub numero duo not to get at least one post dedicated to him.

Dah la masa pregnant pon tak write anything about him. Pity baby.. hehe

The name is Khaleed Adrian. Still following the K and A initial of his dad. I like it a lot because who wants to sit at the back of the hall during ALL major exams in his life like me? No.. No S initial for my kids, please.

He was delivered way earlier than planned because I couldn't feel his kick on 2nd Ramadhan 2017.Tried to go to 3 clinics in Kluang, but "amazingly" no doctors were available to see me. I couldn't walk much either, so I just called it a day and wanted to try again tomorrow..  mere 10 steps will make me cry. So, on 3rd Ramadham my mother brought me to the hospital.

I thought the doctor will only say, "your baby just like to sleep" like his brother :P

However, within the first 20 minutes of CTG, the midwife ran to the gynae and few minutes after that all of them come to see me. They deliver the bad news that my baby heart rate was decelerating (whatever that means) and I could see that all the peaks in the graph was down peaks, not upright as what we normally see on TV. I break down. Hubby was somewhere in Klang Valley and I can't even speak to him on the phone. I passed the phone to the midwife who then explained everything to the ever-very-calm-daddy on the phone.

Hubby did not managed to arrive before the emergency c-section and I bawled my eyes out. The baby was delivered safe and sound few hours later. He was tangled with the umbilical cords, three times around the neck, hands and legs.. all limbs are tightly bound together. Oh, additional two almost-dead-knots on the cords too. How can it be like that? Nobody can explain it to me. That also explain the sudden lack of activity in my tummy.. Huhu..

He was born with low birth weight, prematurely at 2.03 kg. But, strong enough to fight jaundice and Alhamdulillah, he has no other issues. We were discharged to home soon and here I am, at day 41 still struggling to latch the baby who is too small for my boobs. 

He looks really alike with his elder brother, just few shades lighter. Pinkish and fair. No photos as for now because I am in the midst of changing my phone from the old Xperia to Huawei and most photos are still in transition.

Tak tau nak mula macamane, but yeah.. my new year seems like just other weekend. Thank god jugak lah weekend, kalau tak confirm kena kerja on 1st January sebab Johor tak observe public holiday new year ni.

Husband pon jauh di mata sebab dia tak berapa sehat dan tak larat nak balik Kluang. Lagi pon, next week dia kena turun Johor gak sebab nak teman pegi checkup. He is still maintaining his record of accompanying me going to monthly checkup.. even though now kena naik flight every month.

New Year has always been special to me sebab I remember the New Year before we got engaged.. we celebrated together just doing our thing.. talking and driving all night long. After that New Year jugak I decided that I cant be just his "best friend" and I need something more than his friendship. I left him to find his answer then.. and despite he took a long enough time to think.. here we are now - happily married for more than 3 years with 1 toddler in tow and another bun in the oven.

Oh, lemme tell you that I am pregnant again. Baby numero duo is 15 weeks now. The worse has passed I guess, nausea and vomiting dah kurang or almost non-existence now. I am entering second trimester nicely.. just kerisauan terlebih sebab the daily trip back and forth to the site office are very bumpy. Setakat ni okay je baby, no bleeding (masa Alex dulu spotting everyday) and hopefully my fat can absorb all the shock caused by the very bumpy road.

Appetite is low sebab I think susah nak dapat food yg rasa sedap. Most of the thing rasa tak kena di jiwa. Jadi picky eater.. can't really eat any red meat and tak berapa selera dgn seafood. So, ayam je. but, cannot eat everyday jugak. So, tau ape jadi? I think I am almost vegetarian.. Dapat makan nasi putih, ulam2 dan cencalok is heavenly. Isk..

My blood pressure shoot up again and this time it came early and high! I was too tired I guess.. husband jauh, kerja long hours, busy dengan housework (no helper) and Alex yang tengah dalam phase very inquisive and super active. I always think I can do it, but sebenarnya mungkin badan dah tak tahan sangat. Letih.. thus, high blood pressure. So, marilah kita makan secekak ubat setiap malam. Huhu...

Ape azam 2017? I want to carry this second baby until full term, eat good food (sorry baby, mummy dah makan maggi 2 kali sejak pregnant) and give birth to a healthy baby.

This might be odd, since this has never been my new year's resolution since bertahun2.. but, I need to lose weight after I give birth nanti. I don't know how to lose all those weight while breastfeeding but I need to for the sake of my health. Tiap2 kali pregnant kena high blood pressure, this is bad.. right?

On work issue.. Hmm.. hopefully in 2018 harga minyak dah recover (and since masa tu tade subsidy, I don't even want to think how much is the retail price of petrol will be) and the company has stop all the "restructuring" or "right-sizing" exercise. I want to go back to KL where I can sleep at the crook of my husband's arm everyday and stop living out of my suitcase on weekend.

For 2017, persevere is the word and I need the miracle of 2016 to still be in place.

Is it true? Is it real?

Me? The person that my mom said will talk even in her sleep.. is pendiam now?

I still feel that I am not, but when I looked back at myself.. I reluctantly need to say it is true now.

Not because I don't have anything to say, but my experience taught me otherwise. The lesser I talked, the lower its chances that any of it will backfire to me in the future.

That is why I love to talk to stranger, under pseudonyms if possible. People that don't really know me. I feel free to talk with them as I feel they have fresh perspective on me, not influenced by my crazy self.

That is why I talk even less to the person that have known me since forever. Since I know they will still see me for the next 20 years, I have to carefully select my words.. and, after much filtration.. most of the time I will only talk about weather with them. Boring stuffs that will not implicate me in the future.

Why am I this paranoid? I don't even know what am I afraid of. 

Maybe, the scar of old trauma is deeper than what is visible.