I finally went onto the internet to find out what others are saying about withdrawal from Fentanyl. It's all there... everything. The loss of appetite, hair falling out, and most telling of all... INSOMNIA and RLS.

Many people reported terrible insomnia. That is where I am now. It is almost impossible to live with, but I am. I am praying and praying that it will end soon. But then I have only to look forward to going down another dose of Fentanyl and doing it all over again. It is hell, I gotta say. Not sleeping properly is hell. I am dizzying tired all day. The world is one big blur. I am only going down by little doses, and it is so hard. I am now at 44mcg. I have to get off this poison!! At this point, it is a little imprecise how much of the medicine is getting in me- I am cutting patches. I have a 50mmg patch which I have divided into about 8 sections so I can take off 6mmg at a time. I made a guide of a piece of cardboard which I use to cut the patch each time, but I never really know how precise it really is. It is as precise as I can do it, though. This was the doctor's advice.

During the day the tiredness is unrelenting. I am going to start these energy shots and see if they help. I got a lot of them when my brothers came from America for the BatMitzvah. It is time to start them, I have to do it at a certain point every day in order for it to be effective. My head is so blurry, I sometimes think I shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car. I don't have anyone else to do it, though. I am careful, and wouldn't drive if I really felt awful (I have, in the past, asked friends to drive a child here or there if I felt it wasn't safe for me to drive). I truly wish I had someone to work for me to do the driving. But, I don't, and I will make it through this. I have made it through harder things.

I realize I don't need a sleep clinic done, I just need to get this Fentanyl out of my system. It takes a long time, from what I am learning. The drug stores up in your fat cells, so it takes a very long time to seep out. People recommend going to saunas- dry heat. I'd love to.... I'd love to swim sometimes, too, but I don't have that luxury. There is a gym with a pool tauntingly nearby, but no way is that in our budget these days. Also I think it is not recommended for people who have lymph edema.

I gotta slog through it like anyone would have to. No breaks here.

Makes me wonder if I should even deal with going onto the Cannabis. I don't want any drugs in me. My pain is actually *better* since I have been withdrawing from the Fentanyl. There is always an initial few days of heightened pain (always in my hips, but just one at a time, not both at the same time. Interesting, right? They both have different issues that cause pain, so different nerves are triggered at different stages of drug withdrawal. Who'da thunk?) So the heightened pain lasts three to four days. I can deal with it, it's not too much pain for me. But the insomnia... that is close to unbearable. My kids need me afternoons. Thank Gd I only have two home during the week this year- my older boys are learning outside of Be'er Sheva in different yeshivas and come home on Shabbats. But having to take care of anyone besides myself *at all* is heavy for me in this condition.

Pray for me that I can endure all this. Each lower dose comes with more of this sh*t. My doc says to lower it every two weeks. That is about 6 more times. That's a lot.

I have started writing my next blog entry twice already. Just hasn't felt right. My blog writing style is changing, and I have to learn its changes. We're growing together.

Actually, I am feeling like I am growing apart from my blog a bit, at least for now.

Gone are the days of agony and anguish, many hours and entire days in bed. I do still have the occasional day in bed, but it is much more rare. I do feel the need to give medical updates every now and then, if for nothing else than the chronicling aspect of my health journey. Though of course, each medical trial brings with it its emotional counterpart. That is, if I give emotional meaning to it. I find I am doing that less; giving emotional responses to medical setbacks. It is all commentary to the facts. I can choose to create that commentary or not. Recently- I don't know- like the past few months maybe?- I am just having less running commentary in my head about the medical stuff I go through. So that is why, for now, maybe even just for today, I am going to give an occasional medical update without much commentary about it.

I am learning "mindfulness" training, together with meditation to help chronic pain. This is part of the program that the neurologist set forth for me to help deal with chronic pain, and from migraines. The rest of the program is to start physical therapy with a special neurological physical therapist, and also start psycho-therapy with a medical-oriented therapist. The physical therapist appointments start at the beginning of February.

This neurologist is starting to be at the forefront of my story. I intuitively feel that the program he has started me on is the right direction for me. That, combined with me going off the Fentanyl, is the future of my healing. Dr. Ezra (the neurologist) also agreed to be the one to submit the request for the medical Cannabis, so I will be monitored here instead of having to go to Jerusalem, which is what I wanted the whole time. I just didn't know who the doctor was going to be to do that for me here in Be'er Sheva. He actually tried to send in the request for me last week, but the computer crashed at the website. (I could make lots of jokes about a computer that crashes at the website which is for requesting medicinal Cannabis!) He said he'll do it this week- I will see him on Wednesday when I go to the meditation group.

In short, I will just try to list here some of the medical problems I have come up against lately, but without a lot of commentary about it. It is what it is, right?

1. restless leg syndrome (RLS) getting worse. It is a result of going off the Fentanyl.
2. The solution I found for the RLS was to wrap a heating pad around my leg and I could fall asleep with that.
3. The solution got nixed when we saw that it made my lymphodema swell up terribly.
4. The RLS messed up my sleeping at nights.
5. Even on the nights I don't have RLS, I haven't been sleeping deeply- or at all- almost all night.
6. This has led to increased migraines and exhaustion.
7. I have lost my appetite for some reason, and my hair is coming out in clumps in the shower. Don't know why that is happening, but I will talk to my doctor about it. I feel that the sleeping problems, appetite loss and hair loss is all connected, but we don't know how yet.
8. My doctor put in a request for me to do a sleep clinic night, but it hasn't yet been approved.

That's about it, in a nutshell!
How is it to read my "stuff" without commentary?

PS- I am writing less, also, because I have decided to not be on the computer for the hour before I go to sleep. Since I am going for early bed times, I don't often open my computer at night for anything more than looking at email or occasional Facebook for a few minutes. My kids need me in the evenings, 100% of me, until about 10PM. Then I try to end my own day as well. Since the sleeping problems have crept in recently, I will be even less on the net to give myself ample opportunity to sleep when it is night time.
Remember my "new year's resolutions" from Rosh Hashana? That I want to go off narcotic pain medicine, and go to sleep early so that I can write and work on my book in the mornings? Well, I'm getting there on both fronts. I'm getting there. :)

Shifra climbing up water which is flowing out of a tuba in a three-dimensional picture on the ground. Ya'akov is trying to save Azriel from falling into the abyss.

Azriel climbing into a three-dimensional tuba painting on the ground.

The storm after the calm after the storm. That's where I'm at over here.

But, there are different types of storms I'm describing- the original storm was the Bat Mitzvah week and everything that entailed. Just last night I finished all the laundry from that! I think every sheet and towel in my house was used. This is the first time in *months* that there isn't a basket of something waiting for me to wash in the laundry room. The washing machine is empty, the dryer is empty, and nothing is waiting in the wings! It's not all put away, mind you, but it's all clean!

There is the calm after all that. I made dinner last night out of what I think may be our last left-overs from the catering hall from the party. Not sure if something isn't hiding in the freezer, though.

I've been resting a lot. I got a bit of a cold, which has gone to a bronchial cough thing now, but nothing to worry about. I haven't yet gotten back to writing my book. I need a new "boost", I lost momentum. This evening I have a class on the internet scheduled with my teacher, so hopefully that will get me back on track. (writing now after the class with my teacher happened... I am much more on track. I'll *do* this. I'm getting back to my book. I will take back my mornings).

The storm that is happening at the moment is lots of wind and rain. Brrrrrr.... these Israeli houses made of stone were not built with much insulation, so, 'tis the season to feel cold to the bone and pay high electric bills to heat the house, even mildly. It's so interesting- a friend of mine commented on this storm and how the country is relating to it. She said that this past summer, with bombs and rockets falling all over the place, and especially here in the south we were heading into our bomb shelters multiple times a day, life went on as usual. Well, summer camp was canceled, but every one's attitude was that life must carry on like normal. That is what Israel is made of- "war-schmorr". It's what the country prides itself on. *But*, a heavy storm with snow promised in the higher latitude regions (Jerusalem and surrounding areas) and the country is scared out of it's wits and closes main roads in and out of major cities. Everyone has shopped for so much "storm food" that the grocery shelves are practically empty. Isn't it interesting that war doesn't make us stock up on reserves? But snow? Schools in Jerusalem were closed just because of the weather report, without seeing if it will really happen. As of this afternoon, I understand that it hasn't happened yet.
(again, adding comments while proofreading much later in the day... it has been snowing, and continues to snow on Jerusalem. Jerusalem, known as "the city of gold", now is the city of powdery white.)

Be'er Sheva got snow 14 years ago. I remember it. Before that it had been more than 20 years ago. My brother Peter remembers that- he lived here at the time.
I grew up in snowy winters! Y'all get a grip! Truth be told- I have turned into a major wimp in the 19 years I have lived here. I used to dig my car out of the snow practically every day when I lived in Boston. There were storms practically on a daily basis. I *know* the bitter cold. I have even been hiking in the Alps in December. But since I've been here, I get frozen at the littlest dip in temperature. It's hot and sunny here 80% of the year. The winters feel so cold, though, even though they are insanely mild compared to what I used to deal with.

Anyway, see? Here *I* am using my blog space to talk about the whether!

Actually, I gotta go now. I have to go early to my meditation-for-chronic-pain-sufferers class today so I can try to catch my neurologist. I haven't yet had the opportunity to ask him if he can take over the role in submitting the request for medicinal Cannabis for me because Dr. Davidson is gone for another month at least. Going now- I hope I can catch him. I'll let ya know when I come back.......

OK, I caught him. He said he would do it, no problem. My next step is to go to my previous psychiatrist, who I haven't seen in at least three years, maybe more, and get a letter that she agrees that I am a good candidate for medical Cannabis. I'll call her tomorrow. It'll be interesting to see her again. I never really had a great chemistry with her, but no matter, I just need this letter. I think it'll be fine. (famous last words........)

I spoke to Dr. Ezra, my neurologist, briefly also about the RLS (restless leg syndrome). He agreed with me that I should take away the extra 30mg that I added a month ago of my Cymbalta. Usually Cymbalta is used to help RLS. In my case it has exacerbated it. What he didn't know, however, is that I have already *been* lowering the Cymbalta, without consulting with him beforehand. I know my body, and I know what is going on.
So, as well as going off the Fentanyl, I am also reducing the Cymbalta to the dose it had been for quite some time. (Yes, it is uncomfortable... brain zaps, withdrawal feelings, all that. I know it is temporary, though. I am proud that I haven't complained about it at all. I know it has to be done, and I am doing it.)

I am still on course with lowering the Fentanyl. My last dose reduction was about a week ago, after the Bat Mitzvah. I am now at 50mmg (started at 87.5mmg).

Pain levels.... manageable! I actually think sometimes that I am having overall less pain than I had on the higher doses of Fentanyl. Today in the meditation course I am taking (the one that my neurologist runs- meditation to help chronic pain. I made up a little ditty- "meditation, not medication!") the instructor spoke about pain medicines and how sometimes they can make our bodies react more acutely to pain, by lowering the level of our own, natural endorphins. Isn't that *so* interesting? Taking pain medicine actually inhibits our own body's production of the hormone that could naturally help us to reduce pain. So, as I reduce the Fentanyl, I think that maybe my own body's endorphins are released, and helping me actually experience less pain. It's a tremendous insight. It makes me wonder if I will be needing the medical Cannabis after all.

The main source of pain these days is actually the lymphoedema. That is the swelling of the lymph nodes because they are not properly draining (this is due to the NF infection and surgeries). Sometimes my lymph nodes (only the ones near and around Gapey) get so swollen and sore. It can actually be seen by the eye. I go to my physiotherapist who specializes in lymphatic draining once a week. Recently, though, we skipped three weeks in a row. First it was Chanukah (vacation), then her mother passed away, then it was the week of the BatMitzvah and I didn't have an appointment. Things were in bad shape by the time I saw her a few days ago. She wants me to go back to twice a week now until things calm down again and my lymph system isn't so swollen. Each time I go to her, it is about an hour and a half to two hours of time (from door to door, finding parking, the treatment, etc). This is a chronic condition, though, and it seems that it is here to stay. But we never know, right? :)

I'll finish off with an interesting tidbit from meditation class today (another interesting tidbit!). I was telling some of my story, and I said that it started 7 years ago. When I finished, a lady across from me said "now you have had the seven hard years. next will come the seven easy years". We shared a knowing, understanding, hopeful, loving smile. She was referring to a story in the Torah. The story of Joseph, which we are in the midst of reading at this point in our yearly Torah reading cycle.
Joseph became king of Egypt, with Pharaoh, by interpreting a dream that Pharaoh had. It was a dream of 7 fat, robust cows, followed by seven lean, emaciated cows. Joseph's interpretation was that the land of Egypt was presently in a period of 7 years which is robust and plentiful in food and grain. However, the 7 years following will be of drought and famine. Joseph then advised Pharaoh to appoint a manager who will wisely store grain and food for use to feed the people when the draught comes. (from then, the story takes us to Joseph's father- Ya'akov- and all of the people of Israel coming to Egypt because there was food... then slavery, Moses, 10 plagues, redemption, blah blah blah. :)) The point is that there is that time frame of seven years referred to in the Joseph story. Although in my case, we are hoping that it will be in reverse- first the bad years and then the good ones. The good years, of course, when you place them after the bad ones, have no real end point to them.
I like that dream interpretation. I feel it... close. My years of hardship and pain will turn around. I feel it in my bones.

A few more pictures: these are from the Thursday morning women's t'fillah that we had when Shifra read Torah. As of yet, nobody has sent me pictures of shifra actually reading. Anyone have a picture like that?

Shifra, Sarah, Torah.

Kind of a long shot, from the top of the stairs (where some special male relatives were hanging out). Chairs were set up, and Shifra and I were up front with the table holding the Torah. Three cousins... on left is Azriel (9), middle is Noad Klein (14), on the right is Dov (16). (The next set of pictures will be from the Party! I just haven't transferred them yet...)

I have been plagued with the type of exhaustion that gets into all your muscles and bones and stays there for a long time. That last blog post about crashing hasn't really ended. I can't stop feeling exhausted, and I don't know why.

Yesterday things got a little crazy. We almost went to the hospital, but it wasn't quite at that stage. I had a fever, and I had cellulitis symptoms exactly like the cellulitis I had three months ago when I was hospitalized for four days. It wasn't full-blown yet, and I decided to stay home (against my husband's and some of my friend's recommendations). My sister-in-law, who is a homeopath and reflexologist, suggested that I dose myself with Echinacea & Propolis every half hour. We followed directions, and I slept, still feeling fevery. It was a fitful night sleep, but in the early morning I woke up in a sweat. My body did it without "real" antibiotics- sweated out a fever. The next day (the day in which Simchat Torah would start in the evening), I was feeling much better, cellulitis symptoms much less. *No hospital, no IV antibiotics*. In the evening (chag, the holiday of Simchat Torah), fever went up a bit, but not as high as it had been the previous night. Keeping on with the Echinacea & Propolis, I slept well and felt much better the next day. I even went to shul for a few hours, just in time for hearing the reading of the Torah- my favorite reading of the whole year- when the last portion of the Torah is read, going right back into the beginning once again... the cycle of life ending and beginning, seamlessly. I LOVE hearing the first portion of the Torah- "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth..." Gives me goosebumps each time. I was also in shul for a very intense, deeply inspiring prayer that we say once a year. This is the prayer that beseeches God to give us the rains at their right times. We don't have much rain in Israel, and the prayer for rain is real. The way the "cantor" (not really a cantor, rather, someone in our shul who was leading that service, who happens to have a wonderful singing voice) delivered the prayer also gave me goosebumps. It was strong, and right from his heart. The tune is heard only once a year, when this prayer is recited, and it is so visceral, it's hard for me to find the right words to convey how it effected me. Right to my bones.... kind of how the cold feels in winters here with the houses heated as an after-thought. Heating wasn't built into Israeli houses, we install separate units where they are needed. The Israeli winters make my bones chill for a few months straight, even though it is "only" rain and not snow. It's hard to get warm and stay warm. Anyway, that sort of deep-to-the-bone feeling is how the prayer effected me as well.

I felt great all day! No traces that I had a close call with cellulitis just a day and a half beforehand!! Well, not exactly no traces at all- I still have some soreness where the swelling and redness occur in the effected, prone areas, but not at all what I'd call real pain, and no trace of fever at all. I am so glad I didn't go to the hospital that first night. Robert & I both felt that it was not quite full blown, but it had potential to get worse. I took it easy immediately, took care of myself, and it ran away. :)
(I have a lymphatic draining massage session on Sunday which hopefully will clear up the remaining traces of swelling).

In fact, I felt so good, that when my friend wrote me an SMS, last night, that she was in the delivery room in labor with her baby, I grabbed my doula bag and went straight to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I helped a mommy birth her fifth baby (...fifth boy!) last night. Oh, what a pleasure and gift that was for me. Everything went as smoothly as it could possibly go. This woman was strong, very much within her own body experiences- didn't want to hear anyone talking. Just the quiet jazz piano music I chose (playing from my phone- I used to bring a portable CD player and disks- those days are gone!). I did a lot of massaging, all her pain was in her back. I'd massage with the contractions, and put a hot-water bottle on her lower back between contractions. It was a good formula for her, and her labor progressed beautifully. Out of her five children, this is the third one I helped her birth, and only those three were natural. I feel so happy that I can make a difference in her life! I remembered positions, suggestions, tips & tricks. I felt like I slipped into my doula life seamlessly, as if I still do it all the time. The truth is that the last birth I assisted was exactly a year ago. That was the one where I "accidentally" left on my cell phone over Shabbat, and my friend called as a last-ditch-effort to get someone to come be with her- she was all alone in Soroka in labor. When I looked at the screen of my ringing phone that late Shabbat night, and saw my pregnant friend's name, knowing that she must be at the end of her pregnancy, I answered immediately. She wouldn't call if it wasn't an emergency. I came to her in the middle of the night, and her labor was also beautiful and natural.... and so powerful. That was a year ago (Shabbat Succot- almost exactly a year ago!).

Although I'd love to do more than one birth a year (an understatement for sure!), having the close call with the fever and cellulitis was an unpleasant reminder that I cannot commit to people. A doula must commit, and I have to worry about if I will be healthy when her labor starts. I almost couldn't be at this one. When I did walk through the door to her birthing room last night (she didn't expect me- her phone was off when I tried to call- I went because of the message she sent), she said it was like an angel swooping in unexpectedly. I can do it that way- the "if I can... if the stars are all in alignment when you go into labor..." A working doula, obviously, has to know that her health is pretty reliable.

I think I wrote a few months ago- after my last hospitalization in July with cellulitis- that I have been given an awakening of sorts that now I am prone to this happening more. The  lymphoedema started then, very acutely, and that is the way it will be for the rest of my life. The last cellulitis was the trigger for the harsh lymphoedema. Now I just saw it again a few days ago, just three months after the last one. I have to wear my compression bandage every day, all day now, no choice. In fact, I think that one of the reasons I almost got a relapse this time was because of my choice not to wear it that night. I had my reasons. But, that choice is not mine anymore. No matter how hot and uncomfortable it is, I have no choice. Things have shifted since that hospitalization last July, and this is my "new" reality. So, no, I can't work steadily with any sort of commitment to anyone. I gotta take care of myself, and my family. That *is* my work. And if I get a birth every now & then by luck, then, well, icing on the cake! I am grateful for what I can do.

Some pictures of her 5th baby's birth last night, and her second baby's birth of 8+1/2 years ago. Unfortunately I don't seem to have pictures from the birth before this one which I assisted her with because it went fast. After the birth, we were dealing with the fact that the baby was a Down's syndrome baby, so pictures weren't appropriate.

15 minutes after birth

little guy a few minutes after birth

enjoying the baby... mommy bliss

eight and a half years ago, me checking baby's position

Same place she needed massaging all last night!

I was doing the same thing last night... exactly! But not outside, in the hospital.

eight and a half years ago, on a labor walk around the neighborhood

We walked lots during that labor. I don't know who took this picture, actually!

Gotta go- Shabbat is in a half hour.
What a roller coaster, right?!
Shabbat Shalom from Israel!

[I returned home Thursday evening, no problems, BH. We went to a wedding Thursday night-- yes, crazy, perhaps, but this was a special one-- it was the daughter of the woman who's father's funeral I attended in NY.-- father buried one week, daughter married a week later.
I was running on pure adrenaline.
Friday I slept all day, woke for Shabbat dinner. Shabbat, slept all day. Sunday-today- I am up, but not on schedule yet. Lots of pain, but I'll be OK. Getting overwhelmed with Rosh Hashana coming up so soon!]


OK- this entry started on the day I was leaving NY, last Wed, the 17th. I started writing it in my parent's kitchen, continued it on the plane, added the pictures here in Be'er Sheva, sent it out Sunday.


The car service is coming in an hour to take me to JFK airport. It's a spectacularly beautiful day here in the little country town of Glen Head, a hop-skip-and-a-jump from Long Island Sound. It really is so beautiful around here. It rains frequently, and everything is so *lush* and green. Incredibly green- thick trees and bushes of every sort, moss on tree trunks, and all the streets are shadowed with thick, rich, tall trees. The air is sweet... the smells of cut grass, that sweet after-rain smell, and there is a fall nip in the air. Sounds like utopia, right? Sometimes it actually feels like that.

down the street from my parent's house

I didn't leave America because of discontent. Israel is 100% my home, I never have any doubts about it. I am fortunate in that I have a deep, loving appreciation for the wonderful attributes of each land.

my girlfriend and I rendezvoused at a gas station when we discovered that we were talking on the phone to each other, a mere few meters away from each other!

I'm returning to Israel soon...  my flight leaves at 9pm tonight. It has been a *long* trip. I feel like I've been away for months.

On the plane now.
Take off will be in about 20 minutes.
It is such a long haul to pack up and schlep everything! I was up most of last night, packing and organizing myself. OK, well, I'll be on this plane for the next 12 hours. So far, the middle seat to my right is free. It'd be awesome if it stays that way! I'm planning to sleep lots. It was a FULL, busy, fulfilling trip. The two highlights were the writer's conference, and the time I spent with my parents- quality *and* quantity. It has been a *long* time since we had that sort of uninterrupted time together. I am aware of the reality that we can't know when that may, or if it will, happen again.

I attended a funeral last week. It was the father of a dear friend of mine from Israel. My friend was brought up in NY. Her father passed away, and she flew out to NY the next day. I joined her at the funeral. It was strange to be with her in NY! We had never seen each other out of Israel. But it was good to be able to support her, and to be there.

Funerals in America are so different than they are in Israel. In Israel, people are buried in shroud cloths, no casket. When I was watching the funeral home director trying to direct the casket of my friend's father down into the grave, it was scary. It is so heavy, and the people holding it have to stand on planks which are placed across the grave, lowering it with the help of straps. Once it's in, then the grave diggers have to check if it is in properly, and in this case, the casket had to be repositioned. It seems so much smoother and easier when there is no casket involved. I don't know. I guess it's awful any way you do it.

Onto lighter subjects...
I saw many cousins whom I hadn't seen in ages. In Washington DC I stayed for a few days (including over a Shabbat) with one of my favorite cousins ever! Got to know her husband and daughter a bit better, too. I met with my first cousin on my mother's side, Dina, in Washington DC. I hadn't seen her in probably 27 years or so.

my first cousin Dina, me, and her mother (my aunt who I hardly ever knew!) Shula

 My other first cousins on my father's side, Lois & Ellen, I visited in NY. We had seen each other slightly more frequently, but not much.

My father, Ellen, me, Lois, my brother Peter

first cousins: Ellen, me  & Lois

 I also saw my Aunt Reva, who is in her 90's, may God give her strength and wherewithal for many more years!

My father, me, and his sister- my aunt Reva

OK, know what? I am so flippin exhausted, I need to sleep. The plane is still filling up, and take-off is in 10 minutes.

Oh, and the middle seat, next to me (I'm in the isle) has been taken. Oh well. No biggie.
Oh, I just remembered that I have to go put on my heavy pressure stockings. I should do that before we take off..

Then, I really think I'm just gonna put my computer away and go to sleep. Bye-


OK, I just had a pretty decent sleep, thank Gd. Woke up two and a half hours before landing, which is good timing. I got a good walk around the cabin a few times. According to the amount of pain I had when I got myself up after sleeping, I could have used some more walking around the cabin.  I drank some tea, chatted with a woman in the next isle over to my left, traveling with her three kids. One is about one and a half. I *remember* traveling at different points over the past 15 years with kids that age, almost every trip.

So yeah, now that I'm a little less tired, I can say that this trip was a true blessing. It was just all good. Hard for me physically at many times, a few awful migraines and nights throwing up, but overall, I held up. The lymphoedema needs some serious draining massage, though. It's been in a constant state of discomfort and swelling. To be expected, I think. I am wearing the dreaded tight tight tight orthopedic tights on the flight now. You know, I timed it this time- putting them on in the tiny airplane bathroom- 20 minutes *just* putting them on. Bleh. Oh well, could always be worse!

There is one huge change that happened on this trip which adds an emotional dimension that I will never forget- I sold my old french horn. *NOT* the one I play usually (or played, to be exact), that one is in Israel. The one I sold is one that I played during the last years of University in Boston, and all throughout graduate school. I did play it my first years in the symphony in Israel, but it isn't in the style (sound-wise) of the horns that Israeli orchestras play.

Each city which has a symphony, in every part of the world, has it's own unique sound. In the wind sections especially, the goal of a homogeneous sound often entails a uniformity of the type of sound that the specific instrument produces. Each "brand" of instrument is known for it's different nuances in sound. There are horns with a small "bore" which means the diameter of the inner tubing is literally smaller than a large bore horn. This, of course, effects the timbre, or color of sound. The horn I sold is my Schmidt, small bore, nearly 100 years old. It's a very, very special horn. In Israel, large bore horns are more commonly played. Many years ago (13 or 14 years ago) I tried out a particular horn someone was selling in Israel, and fell in love with the ease of how it plays. I bought it with an interest-free loan that my orchestra gave me, which was really easy to pay off through my monthly paychecks. I then had two horns on my hands. I tried to sell my Schmidt in Israel, but since it is not a commonly played instrument on Israeli orchestras, it didn't sell. I then brought it to Boston so the dealer who I bought it from could try to sell it for me. It didn't sell in many years in his studio. It was so surprising because that is the horn that the players in Boston desire. After it was in his studio for a long time not selling, on a trip my parents had to Boston (it used to be a regular thing for them every summer to go to Tanglewood to hear the Boston Symphony), they went to his studio and brought it back to their house in NY, and advertised it there. Didn't budge. A few people played it over the years, but no bites. Even a collector of Schmidt's, a horn player in NY, who fell in love with my horn, told me he just can't buy it because he already has 20. But he praised that instrument up and down. He clearly understood it's unique beauty of sound and the special value of that particular instrument. Along came my first horn teacher, Mr. Moller. He also fell in love with the horn, but finances didn't permit him to buy it. Fixing the roof which had fallen in from a storm took precedence. Geez, can you imagine such an excuse? ;)

When I was returning for this present trip, I advertised the horn again, announcing the dates I will be there, and that it is still for sale if someone wants to come try it. Again a few emails with the guy who collects old Schmidt's, but he still couldn't swing adding one more horn to his menagerie. Lucky for me, because the long awaited phone call came from... my old horn teacher (he's not old, perse, but old meaning long ago in the scope of my life)! He was in a position to buy the horn, and was so happy to see the ad I placed, that it is still available. He came over a few days ago. It's always awesome to see him, a real childhood hero for me. Very special man. His encouragement, patience, and belief in me is what set me on course for my successful career. Well, with cash in hand, he checked out the wonderful instrument again, and made an offer... higher than what I was asking. I came back with a lower offer. It was an unusual, odd sort of haggling, but I wanted him to have the horn, and I couldn't see taking so much money from such a special person in my life. We agreed on something in the middle of his offer and my expectation. Unmarked bills exchanged hands (they are unmarked, right Mr. Moller? ;)), and my beautiful, special, antique horn went to the most wonderful person I could imagine playing it. I am deeply moved by this all, and yes, a little wistful. But, it is all the natural process of life.

well, "can't take it with you", as they say!

Mr. Moller- may you play this horn with your natural vitality and health, and may it serve you as well as it served me all the years!!

Well, we are now about to land! Should be in about 45 minutes or so. I'm almost home.

The trip was certainly memorable. My world shifted in many ways, both small and large. I just realized something- I actually lived all three of my careers on this trip. The writer's conference of course--

All the conference attendees! I'm standing in the second row from the top, wearing white, about half way in...

then selling my horn and entering that world. I even used my doula skills. That was when I was trying as best as I knew how to encourage my mother in her physical therapy to stand. She did it- with the physical therapist and my father on either side holding her up so most of her weight wasn't on her, she, herself holding onto a walker with much of her weight, and me holding her around her middle in a big bear hug. She did it. She lasted about 20 seconds the first time, then after a rest had the courage to try a second time, for about 10 seconds. It hurt her all over, of course. Her body is quite atrophied from being bedridden for two and a half years already. But, she tried. The future is unknown, and the past is no longer ours, only the present is ours to use. That accomplishment, for my mother, was a very courageous use of her present moment. May you keep strong Mom, and remember- replace the phrase "I'm scared" with determination.

We're in a holding pattern now over Ben Gurion airport in Tel Aviv. Too many planes there at the moment for us to fly in. I heard there was a strike at the airport today.

I just may finish this blog post yet!

Mission accomplished regarding the tight tight tight lymphoedema stockings. It took about 15 minutes this time to take off. Putting on my "regular" pressure garment feels loose compared to those. Usually that one is tight and uncomfortably hot, but after the "flight tights" (hey, new nick name!) it's obscenely loose. :)  Oh, this is awesome- the captain just announced that we are cleared out of the holding pattern and are going to land soon! And I finished this entry. How inspirational.

Home. Be it ever so humble. I am yearning to feel my children's hugs, look into their eyes, and hear their voices and laughs.

And Robert, my love. You gave me a gift that is more valuable than you can know. You, yourself made my reservation, blessed me to go to the conference, and added much more time to spend with my aging parents. A true, selfless gift, from a true, selfless man. Thank you with all my heart.

The pitch goes up and down and up and down repeatedly. I woke up with a huge startle and adrenaline running through my veins... first thought: siren. Go to the safe room. Where are the kids. Make sure everyone is getting into the safe room. Heart beating fast...
oh, wait, it's a fire siren. I am in Glen Head, NY. fell back into a very deep sleep, but with extremely vivid dreams this time.

!!!BOOM!!!!! CRACK!!!!!!!!!!!
Again, I am awakened with a start, more adrenaline, OMG, a bomb that landed close by, with no siren. Crap! OMG!
Oh, again, the fog is lifted in a second, and I am in my brother's old room in the house I grew up in... and it's raining with loud thunder. Oh yeah, rain! I haven't seen, smelled, or heard a rain storm in many months. What a crazy way to wake up. And the vivid dreams that pulsed through my blurry mind thereafter, wow, talk about strange. Toto, we aren't in Kansas anymore! (in the Wizard of Oz it was meant a little differently than I mean it here, of course.)

Jet lag will do that.

The plane ride went fine, technically. Personally, not so great, though. Sleep was not an ally for me. I was in too much pain and couldn't get comfortable. I was wearing a very tight garment because of the lymphoedema, and it isn't something one can ignore when wearing it. A sleeping pill made me sleepy, but it didn't take the pain away, and I couldn't sleep for more than 5 or 10 minutes. 11 hours goes very slowly when you hurt. Oh well. I walked around the plane a lot. I was told to do that because of my lymphoedema. Maybe that's why Hashem didn't let me go to sleep.

The Shabbat before school starts; traditionally,the Shabbat of the *special challot*. I make challot in the shapes of the grades they are going into. I made a "gimmel", a "vav", a "tet", and a "yud". Third grade, 6th, 9th, and 10th grades. The kids love those! Makes it a special time, gets them excited about school starting. Unfortunately, I forgot to take a picture! Oh well, next year. :)

I missed the first day of school today, but it seems to have gone well. I spoke with all my kids after school. Ya'akov is the only one this year starting a new school- high school. The new school is in Jerusalem. Sunday through Thursdays he stays with our cousins who live there. I am *so happy* about him being at this specific school. Since there is no dormitory, my cousins have been gracious (and brave?) to open their house to Ya'akov. I feel in my gut that this is a good match... praying on it! Honestly, I am overjoyed at how this has all worked out. The past few years Ya'akov has been miserable in school. We knew his school wasn't the right place for him, but we didn't have any other good choices. Now that he can study in Jerusalem in this very special [private] school, I think things will begin looking up for him. Please Gd. And I hope we get financial aid. Please Gd.

So, here in NY.... my parents are doing fine, thank Gd. Not worse... but not better, either. My mother is in relatively good health, but bedridden. My father is also, thank Gd, in good health, although he walks with a huge limp. He says he's not in pain, though, so that is good.

Lovebirds

Mom & Dad on the back porch

I took a walk around the outside of the house today. I was seeing my childhood in my mind's eye. ...That tree I used to climb- but they had to cut off the limb I climbed onto.

Can you see that "scar" halfway up the left-most trunk? That is where the branch was that I climbed out onto.

...That other tree had the tire swing.

Tire swing tree in back yard

 The rock patch is no longer, covered over with moss. The crab-apple tree is gone. But mostly, it's all there. My childhood- it's all there... here. The only thing is that I can't sleep in the room I grew up sleeping in because the caretaker who lives here with my parents lives in my old room. So, I sleep in my brother's old room. No problem at all. I love the caretaker who is here with them- she is a wonderful person, and takes fantastic care of my mother (and father).

Yes, this is a genuine, original dial-up wall phone with a coiled cord. It **STILL** works, and they still use it. YUP. When I was a teenager, I used to take that receiver with me down the basement stairs (door at left), sit around the corner in the basement (stretching the cord way passed capacity!) and gab away in privacy. Every now & then my mother or father would open the door and yell into the dark abyss "Sarah! Off the phone! You are stretching the cord too far! Who are you talking to? We need the phone! Get off the phone! You'll see them tomorrow in school!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll be leaving on Thursday to go to Maryland for a week. First I'll be with cousins who I love, then to Baltimore to the writer's conference which inspired this trip! I am so excited to go there. I will eat up the writing inspiration and advice, wisdom, tricks of the trade, clarity, and whatever else I know I will eat up from the three day conference. I honestly can't believe I am going to it! In my life, it is so hard to make any long-term plans, and be able to carry through on them. I kept thinking that I'll get sick, or something will happen to make me cancel this trip. But, here I am!

A huge thanks goes to Robert for supporting me to come!! And taking care of the kids, and all the arrangements necessary to do that. He's such a special husband... gratitude abounds. :)

Signing off to watch TV with my parents before we call it a day. Such is life.

It was Azriel who made me realize that I am snapping at people these days.
There is an underlying tension in Israel now that is impossible to shake, and I guess I have been snapping a bit. Today we were baking a cake together, and when I needed him to move out of the place where I had to be to work the blender, he jumped down off his stool and ran upstairs crying. It took me a while to get out of him what happened, but eventually he told me... I didn't ask him to move sweetly or with patience. I apologized for that, then he told me that I have been "not smiley and nice" recently. Yeah, they really can pull at the heartstrings, can't they! He helped me realize that I am very tense about living in this war. There is so much tension- it's as thick as the conflict itself.

You know, the UN gave us this land in 1948. People seem to be forgetting that. We are seen as "occupiers". How did that happen? Why is the UN now letting part of the country be run by a terrorist organization with their charter which calls for death to all Jews? They agreed that we deserve a proper homeland. Why is the UN leaving us alone, to protect ourselves all on our own against this terrorist organization?  More than that, they are even pointing accusatory fingers at us, and supporting the terrorists! The UN is not comprised of who it used to be comprised of, that's one thing for sure.

I can't write more than that. Too hard, too close to my heart and spirit, too painful. "Where this is all going to end" is the scary, unspoken question on everyone's lips here.

So, I got down to Azriel's level and hugged him really strong. He was puzzled why the war is causing adults to be tense, after all, we aren't getting that many air-raid sirens... and today we haven't had any [yet]. Oh, to be a happy child.

On the physical front, I am having a big problem with lymphoedema (yes, it is spelled that way- it refers to swelling of the lymph nodes, and lack of ability for them to drain lymphatic fluid.)

Sine I had the cellulitis a month ago, the lymph nodes near the area of infection have not been able to drain the fluid. There aren't many lymph nodes in that area to begin with. The NF infection killed them all, and they needed to be surgically removed. That's why infection can settle there- there is no system to combat it. For a year after NF I went for lymphatic draining, and it got a lot better. Now it's back, and much worse this time. I have had two sessions of lymphatic draining (a sort of massage), and the therapist (not the same one I had before) says that the problem is in "S.O.S" proportions, that there is a serious threat to my lymph system. I may have to go back to wearing a pressure garment to reduce the edema, which was awful. Right now she wants to see me three times a week, in a clinic here in Be'er Sheva (thankfully). It takes a long time to get the fluids to drain, the whole system is stopped up. We have hour-long sessions, and it is not even enough time for her to open pathways for the lymphatic fluid to drain out of the lymphoedema area. This may sound complicated. In short, I have another difficult health problem stemming from NF, and the most recent bout with cellulitis, and I am more susceptible to infections because of it.

In a few days, I am scheduled to go for more allergy testing for the purpose of seeing which antibiotics I can take, but I am leaning toward not doing it. That, I believe, is what gave me the cellulitis a month ago. On the one hand it would be good to have more antibiotics on the "OK" list, but on the other hand, does it really matter that much? I mean, I have gotten sensitive to antibiotics after having taken them many times before. Who's to say that if I get tested again, and we put another antibiotic on the "good" list (or "definitely bad" list), that's not likely to change?

I have my plans for new York and Baltimore in September. I am *very* excited about it!
I have enough trust in God, and have been through enough to know that if, for some reason, this trip would be not good for me, He would put something in it's way. It's that way in my life- always crystal clear if Hashem doesn't want me to continue on a path I have chosen. Recently it was with the surgery I had planned, and then getting the cellulitis. Those events showed me that I am super-vulnerable to infections, and the surgery isn't happening because of that. He knows what we don't know. I'm not happy that I have to postpone fixing my right leg. But, I also don't know what the future holds in the way of challenges. I have been through enough to know how to take a loud, blunt hint. (Having a huge reaction to pre-op antibiotics a mere minute before anesthesia is what I call a loud, blunt hint. That, and everything that followed it.)

About traveling, I look at it this way: We all know this will be quite hard on me.
Harder, though, would be knowing that I decided not to do it, fearful that something may happen while I am there. I know that I have to make decisions that feel positive and moving toward growth. That is what life is about- always moving toward growth.
At the same time, as I said above, I know what it is like to get big, loud, blunt hints to not go through with a plan. I'll listen if it happens, just like I am listening and not rescheduling the right leg surgery.

Me and God have been through so much in my short life... we understand each other. We communicate. Any way I can, I embrace the life He gives me. We're good. B'ezrat Hashem (with the help of God).