… that all of the sudden my neighbor hates me. At her garage sale I asked her  “How much for the angry gnome?” How was I supposed to know that was her kid.

… that my ducks are absolutely not in a row; I don’t even know where some of them are and I’m pretty sure one of them is a pigeon.

… that people don’t understand that they should never ask me for advice. I will just give you a shot of tequila and tell you life’s a bitch.

… that no one told me that as I get older the weather app will become a part of my routine.

… that I just want to experience one full day without getting irritated … like a limited time offer of inner peace.

… that while I may not put the sparkle in your eye, I am responsible for those WTF wrinkles in your forehead.

… that I one time I said, ‘I’m never getting out of this horrendous escape room’ amd my boss said,’You really have to stop saying that every time you clock out.

… that whenever I pick the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, I call it a Leg Day.

… that people should know that if they’ve ever felt that I don’t like them, for any reason, they should trust that feeling.

… that the two reasons why I don’t trust people is that [A] I don’t know them, and [B] that I know them.

… that I learn best from the mistakes made by people who took my advice.

… that no one gets that I have officially resigned from Adulthood™ and that from now on decisions will be made using the Eenie-meenie-minie-moe Method, arguments will be settled by sticking out my tongue, and that if you need me, I’ll be at recess.

… that just hearing my name can sometimes ruin someone's day and I’m kinda proud of that.

… that I used to think I didn’t like talkative people in the morning because it turns out  it doesn’t matter what time of day it is, I just don’t like dealing with people in general.

… that when I think that I’m the problem, I instantly also think, Never mind, that doesn’t even sound right.

… that they say I am too young to sign up for a nursing home when I am so ready for Bingo at 2PM, dinner at 4PM and bed at 7PM.

… that I’ve only just realized that the way to get someone’s attention is to not want it any more.

… that I can’t summon Alexa to knock the power out at work.

… that one of my greatest skills in working with clients is mastering The Fake Laugh™.

… that I cannot wait to retire so I can get up every day at 6AM and drive around really slowly to make everyone late for work. They say find a hobby and that’ll be mine.

… my morning coffee makes me feel like I have my shiz together; I don’t, but I feel like I do.

… that I really am a multipurpose friend because I’m down for brunch, a movie, aggravated assault, working out, whatever .,.. just let me know.

… that I like asking seven people for advice and then doing what I want anyway.

… that one of my toxic traits is finding out someone doesn’t like me and then trying to make it worse.

… that because I remember how we used to smack the top of the TV set to get a better picture, I have to fight the same urge to do that to people.

… that the first thing I notice when a person approaches me is their audacity.

… that I only drink water, coffee or alcohol? Who knows, but it explains why I am either hydrated, jittery or drunk.

… that I sometimes think sharks aren’t eating enough people.

… that I can’t recognize letters under a certain font size, but I can spot an idiot at fifty yards?

… that some people think that if I loved them once I will always love them? I’m not Whitney Houston.

… that speaking my mind is easy, but speaking it tactfully is sometimes hard?

… that as I get older I tell people my body is a temple? Cuz it’s ancient and crumbling and probably cursed or haunted.

… that whenever anyone tries to explain the rules of a card game I literally black out?

… that I give advice but always end it with “I don’t know though”? Cuz if my advice ruins your life it isn’t my fault. I said, “I don’t know!”

… that I start nearly every phone call with “My phone’s about to die? So  I can hang up on you when I get bored.

… that as I get older my friend circle becomes more of a dot?

… that people text me these idiotic abbreviations like “GM” and don’t get it when I respond, “Well, General Motors” to you, too?

… that my best method of multi-tasking is to listen, ignore and then forget all at the same time?

… that lately I’ve been turning off the news and watching serial killer documentaries just to relax?