Tee2 was on fire tonight.

Teen2 - 'what good has ever come of random encounters?'

On hearing news of the survival of an old foe.

Teen2 - 'that's how evil I am, I'm spreading rumours that she's a slut'

Teen2 - 'I heard rumours of some guy with a metal vase that heals him, and since we killed that guy and took his vase, maybe this is it.'

On dragging a wounded horse into a forest to trade a valuable forest spirit favour for horse-healing.

DM - 'Two evil characters care that much about their horse?

Teen1 - It's an evil horse.'

Teen3 - 'I don't want to kill people for any really evil reasons. I don't mind killing people because sometimes they irritate me.'

"Ok my backstory is that my parents were killed and I was raised by Dwarves" (who apparently named him after the city they lived in, Wiggleton) "but the corrupt dwarf king's men killed my dwarf dad and then I picked up a bar of iron from my fathers forge killed the kings guard and that's how I kind of became the ultimate person, oh, and I slept with the kings daughter."

...

Teen1 - "Do I have to take a WIS test every time I take a drink? I don't really feel like my characters an alcoholic."

DM- "I'll give you and Teen2 50 XP each if you can persuade Teen3 that it's a good idea to get drunk right now. Teen3 I will give you 100 XP if you can persuade them to stay sober."

30 seconds later

Teen1 - "If you take a drink now, I won't kill you."

.....

Hold on! Do you think this monastery might be a very evil monastery?"

Two minutes after cutting the arms and legs off an undead monk in abandoned swamp-struck Hellmarsh monastery.

.....

After a five minute discussion of the accuracy of scholarship surrounding the life of Jesus, the relative loyalty of Lizardfolk to a six-foot lunatic wearing enamelled plate mail with the Crown of the Lizard King gilded to the helmet, the poor conditions in the swamp around Hellmarsh monastery and the negative impact of human hypocrisy on possible re-settlement of an occasionally man-eating race because "we eat cows and nobody says we're evil.'

"It doesnt matter what the actual Jesus looked like. The Lizard Jesus can be a totally different thing. I can be Lizard Jesus wearing enamelled Platemail."

.....

On the complaints of the relatively sane Teen3 when going through three separate doors in Hellmarsh Monastery with three separate characters.

"Come on, you know it's more fun when we split up."

Lessons learnt from tonights session.

There is nothing wrong with flirting with teenage boys through an imaginary male character in an imaginary bar if that is what the reaction die says.

If this makes you incredibly awkward you can just say "ok ok, he flirts with you."

Fake being gay to kill thieves.

If an invulnerable monster comes out of a jar you just smashed open and tries to eat your leg, the answer will be found by smashing open all of the identical jars.

'Guy-With-The-Falcata' sounds cooler than 'Axe guy'

One of my players actually knows what a Falcata is.

Psionic snails make everything easier.

Players are happier with random tattoos from a carousing roll than they are with actual treasure.

A player who will not surrender his platemail in an agonising cross country walk, or when it gets bent out of shape in a pit-trap, or in a massive argument with his actual real-life friends about the consequences of encumbrance, will do so immediately "to get it enameled with like a serpent-rope design to match my tattoo".

If you get a neck tattoo, you can never go back to being an accountant.

Somone playing a thieving, mass-murdering, Goat-Skull-Worshiping former accountant will refuse to throw an arm wrestling match for money because he considers his character 'Chaotic Good.'

If you murder someone, and they come back from the dead with the evil use of a Jade Monkey amulet. And you kill them again. You can just mess up their stuff and leave the body hoping the authorities take it for a "jade monkey hate crime."

 

A cleric called 'Hirgen the Fondler' should get a thicker skin, or not go out drinking.