DEVILS OF DARKNESS (1965, directed by Lance Comfort) is one of this films that feels awfully familiar to me. I feel like I've seen bits and pieces of this British gothic tale told many times before-and told much more effectively.

It all begins in a foggy graveyard where a gaggle of red-hooded cultists have gathered. One of the figures yanks off his hood and a tomb cracks open. Shivers! Suddenly we're at a Gypsy picnic in the woods - and a sexy Esmerelda lookalike enchants us (and a creepy gentleman friend) with her dirty gypsy dance. The gypsies (and theoretically tramps AND thieves) then toast to "Tania and Bruno" - the happy couple. They are about to perform a gypsy blood ceremony with a dirty knife when all of a sudden a bat flies out of a tomb causing Tania to collapse. Then the wind blows and we find out she's dead!!!

Her blood wedding day turns out to be the day of her funeral instead, and after she's buried, another gust of wind causes chaos. A hand opens her coffin and tells her to awaken - another creepy guy (who looks like Rosalind Russell as Auntie Mame) tells her that she has been chosen as HIS bride and she "will follow him till the end of time."

And then the credits roll...

Now I think we are in France at a vacation inn where a bunch of chatty Brits walk around the set yammering on about all sorts of nonsense. I gather that these five are Anne Forest, her male friend Paul Baxter, her brother Keith and his male friend David. The last of the bunch is the chattiest, a spunky redhead named Madeleine Braun. We learn that "the boys" Keith and David are off for a day of spelunking and probably gay sex, despite that it's All Souls Eve and they'll miss the quaint ghoul parade. Anne hopes they'll be back in time cause they "hate to miss out on anything!." Then we see Keith and David climbing through a "dark hole" and make their way through some "caves". Wink wink, nudge nudge.

It's soon time for the parade, which consists of people dressed like pilgrims carrying big candles. Madeleine decides that Anne and Paul need some "alone time" and takes a taxi back to wherever she came from. I guess she's not that into the parade either. Meanwhile, the boys are still crawling through the caves, grinning like idiots as they make their way through spider webs, dripping water and rats. Then they come upon a coffin, with a woman's hand sticking out of it - and a pair of dark hands grab Keith (or is it David?) from behind!!!

An old gypsy woman sneaks up on Ann and Paul and starts rambling on about "the evil eye, the devil of darkness, the mark of the black death" and all sorts of other stuff. Soon we learn that Keith is dead...and has a bite mark on his neck. They surmise that David is also dead in the cave, but we have no proof of this. We notice that Tania the dead gypsy is among the crowd. Spooky.

Later, Tania's nameless friend with a speech impediment (who I'll call Count Chocula) tries to comfort Anne about her brother's sudden death by taking her for a walk on a bridge. Honestly, I don't think she seems too upset. Shouldn't she be making funeral arrangements or calling other family members by now? She tells the Count that there's a strange fragrance in the air, then she notices that he has no reflection in the water below them. He then tries to strangle her, and she fights him by ripping open his shirt, causing a gold necklace to fall to the ground. On the necklace is a bat/snake emblem.

A French inspector (Clouseau?) shows up at the inn and is of no help to Paul - who seems to be the only person concerned about Anne and her dead brother (and his missing friend). Then Clouseau gets a call - Anne has been found dead in the lake, an apparent suicide. Still no sign of David.

Paul can't sleep, so the desk clerk comes to see him in his room. Count Chocula has made a visit to give Paul his condolences. Paul tells the Count that the people in this town are afraid of something...or someone. Duh. Paul discovers that the Count's walking stick with the same bat/snake emblem and has a knife hidden in it! Meanwhile, we learn that Paul has the gold necklace and is hiding it in his typewriter.

Chocula is holding a ritualistic ceremony in the woods, a chicken has been sacrificed. Everyone is there. Franken Berry, Boo Berry, Fruit Brute and possibly even Mrs. Butterworth. Anne's body is in a coffin and her brother Keith's is there too, only they took off his shirt. Hmmmm...hot. Anne screams (I guess she's not dead - yet) and they drag her into the woods. No mrntion of poor David. I guess he's the epitome of what you would call an "expendable character".

Madeleine (remember her?) comes by the inn to see Paul. Not fazed one bit that two (or three, counting David) of her friends are now dead. A newspaper headline announces that 2 coffins have disappeared on route from France to England! I guess it was a slow news day in the EU.

Next we're back in the UK, as Paul visits Dr. Kelsey, the Mr. Wizard of England. Kelsey is giving injections to rabbits as he blabbers on about extraterrestrials, black magic, the evil eye, which craft and some talisman. Meanwhile, we learn that Madeleine runs an antique shoppe called The Odd Spot. Paul gives her a call but she's too self-absorbed to give a shit. We learn she has hired a sexy new girl named Karen Steele.

Scotland Yard has sent 2 inspectors to see Paul. He co-operates, but doesn't give them all the facts. Dr. Kelsey warns Paul about the bat/snake talisman, but it's too late because Kelsey's lab animals (including two bats, a snake and a monkey!) begin to freak out as strong winds blow open their cages.

Back at Madeleine's, she's throwing a fabulous cocktail for all her beatnik friends. Everyone is smoking and dancing to jazz. Paul comes by to talk, but she foists Karen on him because she's too busy playing a deranged Mame Dennis. (Second MAME reference so far!) Chocula shows up too. What's a party without him?

When Paul gets back home, his pad has been ransacked, but nothing's stolen. Not even the talisman. (Which is still hodden - much like David) The inspectors arrive and inform him that Dr. Kelsey is dead from a snake bite. Paul decides he needs to continue Kelsey's research. Meanwhile, Karen starts posing as a model for Chocula's painting. The Count introduces his wife (Tania) to Karen as "Daniella". Tania seems visibly jealous. The count tells her all he wants is the talisman. Meanwhile, Paul tries to get a book from the library called "Talisman: The Power of Magic," but they tell him that the one copy they have is "restricted" and he needs to come back tomorrow. Right.

The next morning Paul calls on Karen to check on her, but she's still asleep. Some old lady tells Paul that she's not even there. Okay. Back at the library, guess what? The book has been stolen - and it was the only copy in England! Turns out Tania has it, and she opens it to a page revealing that our count is the legendary "Count Sinistre"! When Paul returns home, he is greeted by a voodoo doll, when he pulls out a pin Karen feels it. When Sinistre kisses her, she first tries to stab him, but then she gives in. Oh Karen...oh David!

Paul visits Madeleine again and begins to interrogate her about Karen, and she is as uncooperative as usual. She's sure Karen will show up eventually. Maybe with David??? Next Paul shows the talisman to the inspectors and tells them that all the murder victims had bite marks! They tell him that he's a suspect. Meanwhile, the guys in the red robes now have Dr. Kelsey in a coffin. Talk about obsession! They love stealing coffins as much as I love talking about David!

So, Tania is now burning the rare book. Damn girl, you can get a fortune for that on eBay! She then confronts
Sinistre about his lust for Karen and he SLAPS her! He tells her that he just wants his damn talisman back.
We've heard that before. We now see that Karen is under his power and has bite marks on her neck to prove it! Tania, meanwhile, finds one page from the book that did not burn - the page about Count Sinistre!

Back at Madeleine's, the painting of Karen appears and it's signed with the bat/snake emblem! Paul tells Madeleine that he gave the talisman to the police and she flips out! Tania then pays Paul a visit while he sleeps, and grabs a knife. Only she doesn't cut him, but slashes the painting of Karen...and it bleeds!!! Tania starts to write a note in the blood..."The O..." What can it mean? The Oscars? The OC? The Osmonds??? Or mabye it was a misshaped D...for David!

Paul brings the page to the police and they surmise that "The O" means "The Odd Spot" - Madeleine's shoppe! They race to the shoppe, but madcap Maddy has disappeared and headlines blare that Dr. Kelsey grave has been robbed!!! Meanwhile , Karen wakes up at the inn and tries on a crucifix and it burns her skin!!! Luckily Madeleine's beatnik friends are there to help her when she collapses. There's another wild party complete with a snake dancer and lesbians smoking cigars while tribal music plays. I'd wish we'd get a glimpse of David among the party goers. But alas, still missing. Madeleine is preparing Karen for her "big dat" with the count. An old drunk is ejected from the party after he spills red wine on the white carpet. Who can blame them? It's nice to know that even Satanists are tidy. It warms my heart.

Count Sinistre enters the room full of red-hodded people. They all climb down the stairs down in the caverns beneath the inn. Will they find David while they are down there? Or baby Jessica? No, just a Satantic ritual with Karen in a white gown. Is she a virigin? A bride? Or did her red hair clash with the red robe? Oh no - it looks like she's gonna be sacrificed! Not quite, because Scotland Yard is closing in on them. It's the cops vs. the cultists - ands they all freak out when Tania reveals Karen's crucifix burn scar.

The cops arrive, everything explodes and the caves begin to collapse. Any sign of David? Nope. The count and Karen escape through a graveyard but the sight of a cross-shaped tombstone in the sunlight causes him to melt in the sun and turn into a skeleton.

The End. The moral: "When you monkey around with black magic - who knows what you are up against." Moral #2 - If you go spelunking with another supporting character, don't expect to be seen or mentioned ever again. Oddly enough, Rod McLennan, the actors who played David later appeared on stage in England with Jack Klugman in THE ODD COUPLE! Odd Couple...Odd Spot...odd movie...How odd!

6 out of 10 "Huhs?".

Sometimes a movie makes no sense whatsoever, but still is a hoot to watch. EVIL EYE aka MALOCCHIO (1974) is one of those films. Maybe something got lost in the translation, but this Italian/Spanish/Mexican concoction feels like three or four different movies edited together by a tagteam consisting of Stevie Wonder, Marlee Matlin and Corky from LIFE GOES ON.
It starts with movie #1 - a horror film- as a woman wearing a cape performs what looks like tai chi while robed figures are placing candles around a triangle. Then a guy wearing a red satin KKK hood & robe steps into the triangle and we see a photo of a very good-looking man. Cut to a freaky looking guy with colored contact lenses and the same good-looking guy dreaming that he is being hunted by a gaggle of totally nude people, who stand over him and groan, before breaking into one of those PBS modern dance specials from the 1970s.

Next is movie #2 - a breezy European sex comedy - a poorly dubbed woman named Talia is lounging on a waterbed in a room with a lamp that looks like a giant lightbulb. Her pet poodle is jumping all over the bed as if it really has to go for a walk. Talia is on the telephone, calling a man named Peter (the Mexican hunk Jorge Rivera). He is awakened by her call, only to find dozens of half-naked people sleeping all over his groovy house. It's like a scene from BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS. Annoyed by Talia's phonecall and his houseguests, Peter tells his butler Walter to "get rid of the bodies". Walter proceeds to blast a trippy disco LP to wake up the unwelcome guests. Peter then finds a sexy naked guy in his shower, and he turns out to be his British best friend Robbie. The two lounge on a big fluffy pink couch and chat - but Robbie dismisses Peter's disturbing dream. A kicky bossa nova melody accompanies Peter as he drives around Rome and into a fashion show where Talia is waiting for him. She tries to get it on with him, but he's too tired from driving around Rome listening to music. Meanwhile, Robbie is losing his shirt in a casino. He obviously has a gambling problem. Why do we need to know this?

Next we meet a French woman named Yvonne just couldn't sleep - she has got to speak to Peter. So she goes to see him. He pours himself a good stiff drink as she begs for his forgiveness. She says that her husband has been dead for a while and she's ready for Peter, even though she's heard about him being dangerous. Huh? Peter starts to feel her up, but suddenly he gets a flashback of the freaky guy from movie #1. Then Peter turns around and there's a thunderstorm! Lightning strikes, statues move, artwork falls off the walls, her eyes get all fucked up looking and he stares back at her with HIS evil eye...and strangles her!!! Then he wakes up in a short yellow robe, flashes back to the killing - but his house has been restored to the way it was before. Who could have done that? Meanwhile, Walter the butler is washing the car.

Movie #3 - a medical mystery movie - begins when we meet Doctors Stone and Turner. Stone is an old crusty guy and Turner is a hot young female. Peter tells the docs that it's as if he's awake and dreaming at the same time. Meanwhile, a detective who's name we never get (we'll call him McColumbo) discovers that Yvonne has been found dead - but her jewelry and money was not taken. Next is a truly disgusting scene where Peter and Talia shower together and brush their and each other's teeth at the same time - French kissing with mouths full of toothpaste while game show music plays on the soundtrack. Gross! Then Peter gets a crank phone call and tells Talia that he needs to get away for a while.

Movie #4 - a gothic ghost story - kicks in as Peter is driving down a long, dark, winding road when his car breaks down. Did I mention he is wearing a tie-dyed denim pantsuit? He arrives at a mysterious house where he is greeted by an old woman. It turns out that the master and mistress of the manor KNOW him. Of course their phone line is dead, so he'll have to stay with them a while. While the husband attempts to fix Peter's car, the wife turns down the lights and proceeds to fix Peter's penis. But then Peter notices a portrait on the wall and asks the wife who it is. She tells him that it's her husband's late aunt - the woman who answered the door!!! Then he strangles her...and her husband as the old woman watches and smiles. Okay, NOW this is getting creepy.

Back in movie #3, Dr. Stone comes to see Peter and thinks he's hiding something - so he demands a full physical examination. Meaning, naked. He puts him on tanning bed and x-rays his head. He tells Dr. Turner that Peter is clinically perfect, but somehow unbalanced. He needs rest. Then Talia comes to see him , and has a bitchy confrontation with Dr. Turner, all while sunny, romantic music plays in the background. Meanwhile, the most annoying ambulance you've ever heard speeds by. We see a little dog tied up in the woods, and nearby they discover the decaying body of the old woman from movie #4. Ewwwww...

McColumbo's Joan Collins lookalike wife tries to paint a portrait of him as he tells her about the recent murders. She thinks evil spirits are responsible. Whatever. Soon Dr. Turner finds Peter waiting for her - smoking cigarettes in a hospital room. Nice. He tells her that he's written a prescription for himself - dinner with her. And then the cigarettes begin to move by themselves in the ashtray. Huh???

So Peter and Dr. Turner have a romantic dinner as he continues to sport his very tight tie-died denim jeans. Then they slow dance in the moonlight...leading to fornication in hot red lighting while the cigarettes dance and fly out of the ashtray. Peter sneaks back into the clinic in the morning and a nurse hands him a letter. Then he dreams about the naked groaning people again - this time they are trying to touch him. He wakes up slightly upset. (see photo).

Peter tells Dr. Stone that there are people who are killers, but they don't have hands - so they are using him to kill. He asks to be locked up. So he is locked up - wearing incredibly tight beige polyester slacks. Suddenly he goes all CARRIE - as everything in the hospital is thrown around. Confusion ensues.

Back to movie #2 - a naked pool party/orgy is going on, but a sudden downpour moves the festivities indoors. Peter shows up at the house (I guess he escaped from the hospital) to have a talk with Robbie. It seems that since we last saw Robbie, he has inherited money and a house. Good for him! But Peter claims that Robbie killed someone to get his newfound fortune. He says the victim told him. So I guess Peter can talk to dead people??? Then Robbie's dead too. Oh well.

In a scene that makes no sense whatsoever, Peter is walking home and a truck drives past him. Suddenly a rock flies up from the street and shatters a nearby window. HUH??? Meanwhile, McColumbo grills the orgy goers lightly about Robbie's death - and then immediately tells them all to leave. Peter continues to walk through the streets of Rome as pretty piano music plays. He finally returns home to find Walter in bed with a haggish woman! Walter knows all about the the murders - he's been covering up for Peter and is now blackmailing him!!! The plot really thickens. I think.

Peter shows up all unshaven and sexy at Dr. Turner's - and she's convinced he's innocent. She tells Dr. Stone that Walter may be behind Peter's problems, and she is going to take him under her care. Walter and his hag are waiting for Peter to return - with blackmail money. The hag thinks Peter is gonna kill them, so she tries to get away. Walter then smashes her over the head with a liquor bottle, and reports her death to the police as "another murder". Looks like butler did it!!!

Dr. Turner brings Peter to her family's secluded cabin in the woods. Is this movie #5? A sexy Spanish telenovela? He lights a fire as she fixes dinner, and they talk about Dr. Stone and the fact that had an affair with Peter's mother. Could Dr. Stone be Peter's father? Maybe...maybe not.

McColumbo shows up at Peter's house only to find the hag dead on the floor while Walter is spitting up frogs in the next room. Yes. Spitting up frogs. Then a gun falls off a shelf and shoots and kills Walter. Huh???

Peter once again is sleeping restlessly, dreaming about nudists. Dr. Turner wakes him up and tells him the nightmares are NOT real. But she is...and the soapy music soars. Oh yeah, McColumbo tries to make a phone call, but something has been effecting his hearing. Oh - and there's a subplot about a piece of jewelry that I've forgotten about too...not sure if it's an earring or a keychain.

So then Peter (dreams that he?) sees Dr. Turner beheaded on a train track. Okay.

So, McColumbo spots two guys beating up a woman near a construction site - and he goes to help her. Only a crane full of cinderblocks is hanging overhead. He rolls the woman over and she is a smiling ghoul - just then the cinderblocks begin to fall towards him. He rolls out of the way just in time - but she is crushed! When he goes to inspect her dead body, he finds nothing but the gem!!!

Back in the cabin, Dr. Turner plays a record for Peter ("Tom Jones or Beethoven?"). While back in Rome, McColumbo confronts Dr. Stone. He asks him, "Who are you? What do you want?" Peter gets pissy with Doc Turner, tells her he doesn't want to be her guinea pig. Then they pop pills together and the romantic music soars! After sex, Doc Turner asks Peter for a cigarette - so he goes upstairs to get them - but the door locks behind him. He throws a chair and kicks at the door, but it's no use. Downstairs, an image of the ghoul woman appears and causes the record player to freak out, forcing an LP to fly across the room and floor tiles to begin to move.

McColumbo races towards the house , but his car breaks down. Of course! Somehow Peter and Dr. Turner have managed to escape the cabin and head towards "the light" in her light blue VW. Only the road has plenty of blind curves and Herbie goes flying off a cliff. What???

THEN...we hear a voice say "Let's go back" and we see Peter waking up again just like the beginning of movie #2. Holy shit!
I mean, really -Holy shit! What did this all mean? Was it all a dream? What about the gem? What's the deal with Dr. Stone? Talia? Her poodle? The red-hooded guy at the beginning? Were they witches? Satanists? Vampires? Aliens? Scientologists? It just doesn't add up...or matter much cause every minute of EVIL EYE was amazing and craptastic! 9 outta 10.

Imagine if ROSEMARY'S BABY was directed by Pier Paolo Pasolini instead of Roman Polanski - that's what BLACK CANDLES (1982) feels like to me. Of course this grindhouse classic is a couple dozen notches below anything that Polanski or Pasolini made on the quality scale. José Ramón Larraz managed to make both a sex film that isn't sexy and a horror film that isn't scary.

It all starts with a girl in a striped sweater walking through a field with some guy watching her. Then there's a framed photo of a woman who looks like Dorian Lord from ONE LIFE TO LIVE hanging in a room where an unattractive man and woman lie naked. They soon begin getting it on. The guys looks at her necklace and declares it "the devil's paw" while someone (Dorian?) pokes needles into a voodoo doll. Then the guy has a heart attack and dies. Oh well.

After some groovy, opening titles we're at an airport where a badly-dubbed couple announce that they are visiting England for a few days. Greeting them at the luggage claim is Fiona (formerly known as Dorian). As she drives the couple to their destination, Fiona grills them about their visit. The woman, Carol is already bored with the film and falls asleep. Spiteful Fiona then lights a cigarette to give her second-hand lung cancer.

They arrive at a Tudor-style manor during a blackout. Apparently Fiona hasn't been paying the electric bills - but she has plenty of BLACK CANDLES to light in case of emergency. Carol doesn't score any points with Fiona when she calls her candles "dreadful". Then Fiona rattles off all the booze she has to offer and tells Carol that she looks like her brother. Ah - the naked dead guy from before the titles! Carol's husband takes notice of the spooky lithographs that adorn the walls of Fiona's house while she tells them all about demonology. Like, who asked?

Carol tells her man (Robert) that she doesn't trust Fiona and her BLACK CANDLES. Then she strips down to her sexy underwear - followed by her bra. This is when I realize that this is a dirty, dirty movie. Robert soon mounts Carol as Fiona watches through a peephole. Robert plays with Carol's unmanicured Euro-bush and nibbles on her nipples while Fiona licks her lips on the other side of the wall. Fiona then takes out ONE of her breasts and masturbates, climaxing just as Carol does. Very good timing, ladies.

After the sex, Carol and Rob pull a DICK VAN DYKE and sleep in separate twin beds. Carol dreams about the ugly lithographs and walking around the garden in her undies and high heels. Then (still dreaming) she fucks her brother Drew! All while Fiona is banging on the bedroom door. Then the two women kiss and Carol wakes up. Of course then she kisses her brother's photo, but is startled by a bearded man's face in the window. Finally, something scary!!!

Carol then goes downstairs to the kitchen with the most atrocious wallpaper ever and meets the bearded man - he's a priest who looks like Robin Williams in Robert Goulet drag.

Later the ladies go to visit Drew's grave - which looks like it's 1000 years old. Fr. Robin Goulet watches through binoculars. The plot thickens! Meanwhile, some fatso who looks like the Dunkin' Donuts guy is calling a woman a whore and a witch. Huh?

Fiona serves Carol a herbal drink from an awesome-looking drink holder. Then Carol whispers something stupid about Drew writing to tell her that he was unhappy and afraid - even his handwriting was different! This is when I realized that the voices of both Carol and Fiona were dubbed by the same actress! Meanwhile, a woman milks a goat. Huh?

Then we see another woman performing fellatio on "the devil's paw" necklace - she is soon getting a nude rubdown from a woman who looks like Penny Marshall. Suddenly there is a entire coven of freaks around her, chanting and the fore-mentioned goat is forced to mount her...and the goat fucks her!!! She even nibbles on it's ears!!! Holy shit!

Meanwhile, Carol lays on her bed naked. The next few scenes were so boring that I snoozed off a few times.
I remember Carol going to visit her brother's lawyer...a tour of Fiona's herb collection...the brief history of Satanism...followed by Robert performing cunnilingus on Fiona - and then fucking her in "The Reverse Cowgirl" position" (see illustration).


Carol starts freaking out about a lost necklace. She tells Robert that she thinks witchcraft is to blame for all the strange happenings. Meanwhile, there is a secret meeting to discuss Carol and what should be done about her, basically "How do you solve a problem like Carol?" I think we learn here that Robert is an ex-priest!!! Next we hear some LOUD, windy electronic music. It's a black mass and a chalice of blood is poured on a naked woman. Before you know it, there's a lesbian orgy. Why not?

Next, Robert rapes Carol anally and then smokes a pipe. That's funny, Robert never rapes her anally and smokes a pipe at home.

The next day Carol notices a spot on the carpet. Black wax perhaps? Carol asks Fiona about the door to the basement and the circled date on the calendar. Fiona ignores her and pushes some more herbal tea on her and tells her that she wants her to meet "the group". I don't think she's talking about The Mamas and The Papas. At last - a dinner party scene. But things go terribly wrong when one of the guests presents "the devil's paw" which causes Carol to grasp her chest. After dinner, the Dunkin' Donuts guy returns - just in time to get anally violated with a sword!!! Ouch!

Meanwhile, Robert gets a blowjob from Fiona - then they do it "doggie style" (no illustration needed) and she smiles. Carol tells her husband that he's "become one of them!!!" Soon Carol is captured by Fiona's henchwomen who smack her around a bit. Fiona orders one to "fix up a potion" while the other one undresses her. Soon Carol is involved in a three-way with Robert and Rev. Robin Goulet! Um, check please.

So - where do we go from here? Right back to the beginning, as Fiona, Carol and Robert arrive at the house once more, just like at the start of the film. Was it all a dream? Was it all a fantasy? Was it a waste of time? You bet. I give this mess a 6 outta 10.

BLACK CANDLES is also known by it's original title: LOS RITOS SEXUALES DEL DIABLO (THE SEXUAL RITES OF THE DEVIL), but was released in the USA as both HOT FANTASIES or NAKED DREAMS. Huh????????