Brian Vs. Movies

By the time The Return of the Living Dead hit theaters in 1985, George Romero had already completed his original zombie trilogy (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, and Day of the Dead).  What more was there to do or say about zombies?  Romero had set the standard for zombie gore (with the assistance of Tom Savini), tackled social commentary, and made some of the coolest depressing horror movies out there.  Who would have the balls to follow up Romero's series?  As it turns out, the co-writer of Night of the Living Dead, John Russo, that's who.  Apparently, he and Romero had argued over how to follow up their cult hit and came up with an interesting compromise; Romero's sequels would be "Blank of the Dead" and Russo's would be "Blank of the Living Dead."  Each series follows its own continuity, but neither contradicts the other; these are two very parallel realities.  Once I figured out who would follow up Romero's Dead pics, the question remained: how?  The answer is "with humor."

On Freddy's (Thom Mathews) first day working for the Uneeda Medical Supply warehouse, he is being shown the ropes by Frank (James Karen).  Uneeda's main business comes from shipping corpses, skeletons, and similar dead things across the country.  As part of the natural order of breaking in the new guy, Frank decides to creep Freddy out.  Frank explains that the movie, Night of the Living Dead, is based on true events; the movie changed the facts to not get sued, of course, but the gist remained the same --- the dead were coming back to life.  How does Frank know all this?  Because the military accidentally shipped a barrel of the chemical (245 Trioxin) to Uneeda, and you can see an undead body inside.  Obviously, Freddy will need to see the barrel to believe any of this, so the two go down to the basement to check it out; sure enough, there is a metal barrel with military-looking words on the side, and a skeleton visible through the barrel's window.  So far, so good.  Frank then makes the fatal error of hitting the side of the barrel to demonstrate how sturdy it is, which causes a rupture and Frank and Freddy get hit with a heavy dose of gas.

From this point forward, you really don't need to know the specifics of the plot, but here's the gist.  The gas reanimates the dead, and these zombies don't resemble the classic film zombies.  They can run, speak, think, and you can't kill them by damaging the brain (or cutting off the head, or dismembering them, or...).  Freddy, Frank, and their boss, Burt (Clu Gulager), manage to get the sole corpse in their freezer chopped up into little pieces, but the pieces are still writhing and dangerous.  Since Burt is friends with the mortician next door, Ernie (Don Calfa), they take the body parts over and eventually convince Ernie to cremate the SOB.  As soon as the ashes leave the crematorium chimney, though, they react with the clouds above and start an acid rain, which spreads Trioxin throughout the area --- and keep in mind that the area around a mortuary/crematorium is naturally going to be a graveyard.  Yes, there will be zombies a-plenty.

Sexy zombies

The first thing you will notice about The Return of the Living Dead is that it doesn't take itself seriously.  At all.  The characters are all fairly stupid and no one is particularly likable, so you are just waiting to see how each one dies.  And they die, early and often.  That is a far cry from the somber tenseness of George Romero's films, but it works surprisingly well.  This isn't a flat-out comedy with zombies in it, like Shaun of the Dead.  This is a horror movie that wants to revel in gore and special effects, but still have fun doing it.  You don't see movies like this made any more (with the possible exception of Black Sheep), and it was a welcome change from so many of the not-scary-but-not-fun horror movies I've watched this month.

Fact: eyeballs are the last things to rot

Even though they are all second rate actors, I enjoyed the cast of The Return of the Living Dead.  There are no good performances in this movie, but there were a many enjoyable ones.  The featured adults (James Karen, Clu Gulanger, and Don Calfa) weren't terribly exciting, but they served their purpose as authority figures.  Thom Mathews wasn't great, either, but it was fun seeing him slowly transition into a zombie.

It's called "range"

The rest of the cast was made up of young actors in various youthful costumes.  You could lump them all together as "punks," but it's probably more accurate to describe them as "victims of 80s fashion." 
These guys are the reason this movie is so enjoyable.  Each one is a poorly sketched and developed character, and each one is annoying in their own right.  They have names like Suicide, Trash, Spider, and Scuz.  Suicide hates everything, the guy with the leisure suit wants to get laid, and the girl punk, Trash (Linnea Quigley), just wants to party naked.  Seriously, she's naked (aside from her legwarmers) for all but the first few minutes of this movie --- definitely the most full nudity I have seen from any actor in any movie, including some pornos. 

One of only two clothed pictures I could find online

To give you an idea of the level of talent in this film, three of these actors (Mathews, Miguel A. Nunez, Jr., and Mark Venturini) were featured in the Friday the 13th series.  'Nuff said.

The special effects are actually pretty solid for being such a silly movie.  Of course, skeletons rising from the grave is goofy as all hell, and a lot of the recently dead didn't require much makeup, but there are a few awesome standouts. 

"BRAAAAAAIIIINNNSSSSS!"

There is a lot of gore in this movie.  Bodies get slashed to pieces.  Brains get chewed.  Eyes get blinded by acid.  Fake blood is plentiful.  While certainly not realistic, the quantity and quality of the gore in this zombie movie cannot be knocked.

This is only one of two films directed by Dan O'Bannon, and I think he did a good job with what he was working with.  Of course, he radically rewrote John Russo's original script beyond the point of recognition, so he had complete control over what he had to work with.  Still, O'Bannon created a zombie movie that was markedly different in tone and internal logic from the Romero films.  That, alone, is an accomplishment.  The fact that he made watching people get torn apart genuinely entertaining is just icing on the cake.

If you are a huge fan of Romero's movies, The Return of the Living Dead might annoy you.  Zombies that can speak, plot, and run don't really make much sense.  I get that.  However, I don't care.  This is one of the few zombie movies out there that is jam-packed with action and doesn't take itself seriously.  For what it is --- a fun, utterly disposable horror flick --- it's pretty good.  It even has the distinguished honor of being the first film to feature zombies craving human brains.  Is this a classic?  I don't know if I'd go that far.  Aside from the naked chick and a couple of the zombies, nothing will really stick with you after you finish the movie.  On the other hand, I seriously doubt that this was intended to be a think piece.  Appreciate it for what it is.

I often find it difficult to review comedies.  The plots are usually just an excuse for jokes, and analyzing jokes can suck the fun out of any movie experience.  Well, okay, I am fine with analyzing and criticizing crappy comedies, because it feels like I am taking out some measure of revenge against the filmmakers that have hurt me with their obvious pop culture gags (I'm looking at you, Wayans family) or their formulaic and tiresome "jokes" (Seth MacFarlane).  But how can I review a comedy that I actually enjoy and not spoil it in a review?  I suppose a video clip wouldn't hurt.

That commercial is the opening scene from Black Dynamite, a spoof of blaxploitation films from the 1970s.  If you are familiar with Billy Dee Williams' work for Colt 45 in the 80s, then you will agree that this faux advertisement is pretty spot-on.  As a throwaway joke, I think this is a pretty clever one; it has random singing, a ridiculous slogan, and the curious claim of being the only malt liquor approved by the US government.  That's all pretty awesome.  What makes it even better is that this commercial ties into the plot of the movie.  It doesn't have to, it's amusing enough as it is, but I like the extra effort the filmmakers put in to make this seem a little less random.  Oh, and I hope you like the "DY-NO-MITE!  DY-NO-MITE!" at the end, because you hear it whenever Black Dynamite enters a scene.

The basic plot has Black Dynamite, the baddest brother around, trying to avenge his brother's drug-related death.  Of course, since this is a love letter to everything ridiculous about blaxploitation films, that premise is just a springboard that allows Black Dynamite (I love that name!) to clean up the streets, save some orphans, have a Vietnam flashback, battle with a kung-fu scientist, and eventually climax in a nunchuck fight with President Nixon.  Now, if that doesn't sound like your cup of tea, call a hospital and tell them that your awesometer is broken.

This scene is as entertaining as it looks.

You might be wondering if this is a stupid movie.  Absolutely.  There is no argument about that.  What makes Black Dynamite great is that is is stupid on purpose, and (mostly) in ways that show affection for the films that inspired it.  How else can you explain Black Dynamite shooting an assassin in a doughnut costume (at the local "Chili 'n' Doughnuts" shop) and explaining with a straight face that he knew something was wrong because "Doughnuts don't wear alligator shoes"?  It's not just one-liners, though.  One of Black Dynamite's friends, Bullhorn, only speaks in rhyme --- which leads to some awkward moments when he stumps himself.  Black Dynamite, as the bad-ass hero, naturally has a lot of consequence-free sex with multiple partners in this movie; the man is a walking orgy with an afro.  And while those scenes are all entertaining enough on their own, this clip is just the icing on the cake.

What separates Black Dynamite from other blaxploitation spoofs, like Pootie Tang, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, and Undercover Brother is that it could pass as vintage blaxploitation film.  Sure, it's absolutely ridiculous, but so is Shaft in Africa.  The clumsy editing, visible boom mikes, and lack of alternate takes would all feel at home in a low-budget 70s movie; Black Dynamite just makes the humor from these errors intentional.  Notice the change in actors here:

Being a pretty stupid comedy, it is understandable to think that the movie lacks the acting and action chops to entertain between jokes.  Well, Black Dynamite is played by Michael Jai White, who certainly has an action movie pedigree. Most of the time, the heroes in these movies (Rudy Ray Moore, Pam Grier, and to a lesser extent Jim Brown and Richard Roundtree) are not convincing at all when it comes to the fight scenes.  Michael Jai White has seven black belts and looks pretty tough on camera, which Steven Seagal will tell you is harder than it looks.  There are a number of recognizable supporting actors in the movie (Tommy Davidson, Arsenio Hall, singer Brian McKnight, Miguel "Juwanna Mann" A. Nunez Jr.,Bokeem Woodbine, Cedric Yarbrough, and former Piston John Salley), but they are there as props for Black Dynamite to be bad-ass to or around.  Aside from a line or two and a funny name (they range from Mo Bitches to Chocolate Giddy-Up), these guys are just around to share in the fun.  And that is what Michael Jai White (who came up with the story and co-wrote it) and director Scott Sanders (who also co-wrote it) do so well here --- they have a lot of fun.

Badassssssss!

Shockingly, a movie this stupid is not perfect.  The first time I watched it, the movie flew by, but a sober viewing proved the movie to still be thoroughly enjoyable...although I would recommend watching it in half-hour chunks.  I do the same thing for Mystery Science Theater 3000, but getting bored with a legitimately funny movie (that is only 84 minutes long) is a bad sign.  The problem is that the characters and plot are just jokes.  I don't have a problem with that choice, but it does make watching the movie all at once a little annoying.  The only other complaint I have with the film is how relatively large Tommy Davidson's role is, because I'm pretty sure I have never laughed at the man, but even the presence of a comedian I despise isn't enough to negatively impact this gem.

I am kind of picky when it comes to comedies, so when I get this excited about one, it's pretty damn funny.  While fans of blaxploitation will get more out of it than others, there is enough silliness here to please anyone.  Unless, of course, you don't like cleverly stupid humor, in which case I hope you can get tickets to Carrot Top's Vegas show.  In short, this movie has action, gratuitous nudity, evil racist white men, songs that describe the scenes, stupid humor, and a main character that begs the question of whether it is possible to be just a little too bad-ass.  The answer is no.
By far, the best new-ish comedy I have seen since my last viewing of Scott Pilgrim.

Man, I haven't reviewed a horror movie in ages...it's nice to be back in the saddle!  After the hilariously titled Final Chapter, where the Friday the 13th franchise was supposed to end and where they killed the hell out of Jason Voorhies' face, the movie production company behind the series waited one entire year before putting out Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning.  That sure was some finality to the last movie, eh?  But with Jason Voorhies very, very dead, where can the story go?

Just in case you're unfamiliar with my favorite horror movie series, Friday the 13th is the story of Jason Voorhies (more or less).  He's a super-strong psychopath that lives around Camp Crystal Lake; his turn-ons are hockey masks, impalings, and blunt force trauma.  His turn-offs are getting large blades stuck in his noggin.  As I mentioned before, he was definitively killed in the fourth installment of the franchise by young Tommy Jarvis (Corey Feldman).

Five years after the events of The Final Chapter, Tommy Jarvis (John Shepherd) is a pretty messed-up kid.  He has made the rounds through a variety of mental institutes until his good behavior lands him at Pinehurst, which is a more of a halfway house than anything else.  Tommy's sister, who survived the last film, is never mentioned, but he still makes cool latex masks, so he has that going for him, which is nice.  He also hallucinates seeing Jason, which is less pleasant.  At Pinehurst, Tommy's first day is spiced up by the resident fat kid getting axe murdered by another patient for being annoying.  You might think the community would think twice about letting known mental patients wander around in their neighborhood, but apparently axe murdering doesn't cause that big of a stir.  After the fat kid dies, other people start disappearing, too.  First, it's a couple of 50s-style greasers, then a drifter, then two teens after they have some sexy time, and then some cokeheads...and this is all before anyone knows that there might be a problem.  Eventually, somebody actually sees the killer --- he's huge, muscular, wears coveralls and a hockey mask...it's Jason Voorhies!  AIEE!  But...why don't we ever see Tommy and Jason in the same scene?  Hmm...

A New Beginning often gets a bum rap from casual Friday fans, and it's pretty understandable.  Now, if you actually want to watch the fifth installment of a slasher franchise and be "surprised" by the story, I'll get this out of the way...SPOILER ALERT.  FOR THE REST OF THE REVIEW.  This Friday is notorious for being the one where Jason Voorhies isn't actually in the movie.  The killer turns out to be somebody else who is trying to...I don't know...frame Jason?  Whatever, it's not important.  That little twist has gotten some well deserved ire over the years, but if you walk into the movie knowing the twist, this is actually a pretty fun movie.

The acting and directing aren't exactly good, but they serve their purpose well enough.  This was writer/director Danny Steinmann's fourth and final film, although that fact has nothing to do with this film's reception.  For further info on Steinmann, check out a rare interview he gave to a fellow blogger here.  As the creative force behind this movie, Steinmann was famously given strict guidelines for the movie.  He had to turn Tommy Jarvis into Jason, and somebody had to die every at least every eight minutes.  With that in mind, I think this movie turned out pretty well.  It's not Shakespeare, or even High School Musical, or even but it is well aware of its status as a shitty slasher film and strives to be the best shitty slasher film it can be.  The cast is not particularly talented, but you kind of know that coming in to this movie.  Let's not talk about the quality of acting, and instead point out the few actors that went on to star in other things you may or may not have seen.  Come on, it'll be fun!  Normally, having professional actors in a movie is a given, but this was a first film (or first major film) for most of the cast, and few of them ever had better roles.  Mark Venturini and Miguel A. Nunez, Jr. went on to co-star in the also hilariously bad (and kind of awesome) Return of the Living Dead, but you might recognize Nunez from his most famously bad role:

Juwanna know how bad the acting is?

You might even recognize the mother redneck character as Carol Locatell, who got beat up by Pam Grier in Coffy.  Little Reggie (Shavar Ross) went on to be Weasel in Family Matters.  The cream of the crop is definitely the guy who played the doctor at Pinehurst, Richard Young; you don't know his name, but he was the guy with the fedora in the opening scene of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  I would also like to point out one actress who didn't go on to fame and fortune.  Debi Sue Voorhies is the super busty chick that has an extended nude scene before dying by garden shears to the face; not only is her honest to God last name really Voorhies, but she is the nudest and bustiest actress in the history of Friday the 13th, which is no small feat.  Jason Voorhies may never have actually been in this movie, but it's reassuring to know that I was watching a Voorhies anyway.

...and they didn't think to bring her back for the whole "By a Voorhies he was born, by a Voorhies he must die" bit in Jason Goes to Hell?  What a missed opportunity.

I'm not going to lie to you and say that this was a great film by any means, because it has its share of lameness.  The ending where Tommy is apparently adopting the Jason persona is kind of lame.  The whole reveal of who was actually posing as Jason throughout the movie was far, far worse (how did he bulk up when he dressed as Jason?), but pairing these scenes back-to-back was pretty hard to swallow.  Many of the deaths are unimaginative stabbings, but there are a lot of death scenes, so I'll cut them some slack.  The characters in the movie are all equally awful stereotypes, ranging from the mentally handicapped to greasers to someone who clearly snorted MTV for breakfast every morning.  I don't understand the presence or the accent of the redneck characters, but it doesn't matter, as long as they die, right?  The opening scene where Tommy dreams about stopping people from digging up Jason's remains was kind of lame, but it was nice to see Corey Feldman (on loan from The Goonies at the time), even if it was a stupid scene.  I also didn't like that they explicitly state that Jason's remains were cremated after the events in the last film; it's never mentioned again in this or any other movie, but it's weird to see just how serious they were to not have Jason in this series any more.

If this movie is so bad, why am I being so nice to it?  Because it delivers like no other bad horror movie can.  This film has the highest body count of any Friday the 13th, with a whopping twenty-two on-screen deaths.  Not all of them were great, but we get treated to a rare non-Voorhies-related killing when the mentally retarded guy gets hacked to death.  Besides, the killer belt and garden shear combo was pretty sweet.  And don't forget that Juwanna Man died in an outhouse.  That was awesome.  This film also has quite a bit of nudity, as it should, given its genre.  Is it gratuitous?  Absolutely.  What more can you ask for?

Why does Japan get all the cool movie posters?

Now, how does this fit in with the Friday the 13th series as a whole?  Not too well, actually.  After this movie, they abandoned the whole "not Jason" theme and brought him back as a zombie-ish thing; the rest of the series ignores this movie entirely.  This is the first time we see "Jason" outside of the Crystal Lake area.  It's not much of a legacy, but it's a start.  This is the second Friday with Tommy Jarvis, but he is far less likable this time around.  This is also the third consecutive movie where they kill off a fat person in a funny way.  This movie also stands out for having two mentally handicapped characters murdered; I thought killing a wheelchair-bound teen was hard core, but this movie doesn't mess around.  Oh, and if you've been following my effort at dating when these movies are supposed to take place, then you should agree that this film, made in 1985, is set in 1991.  And let me tell you, if anyone on set was taking that date into consideration, they did a shockingly poor job of predicting 90's fashion.  Does anyone care?  Of course not, it's ridiculous to track these things, but it does amuse me so.

If you approach A New Beginning from the perspective of a Friday fanatic, you're going to hate this movie for the cheap twist and Jason-free story.  Of course, if you're a true fan, the kills and nudity should balance that out.  As a film in its own right, it's not very good; it knows that, though, and does a good job entertaining despite obvious flaws.  This is, quite possibly, the stupidest Friday the 13th ever made --- and I know how daring that claim is.
However, being good and being fun to watch aren't always the same thing.  I was shocked at how much I enjoyed this ultra-violent and silly take on the Voorhies legend.  It earns a Lefty Gold rating of: