Alhamdulillah.
Now where to start...
*****
maybe chronologically.
*****
I thrive on praise and good words. I'm vain like that. I performed very well in school because I had a very supportive environment. of course, tiger mom helped too, but mom was no longer tiger after I got into boarding school. I don't think I was clever or anything, but I did realise early on I was never average. study has always been easy even when all I did was sleep all the time, not kidding. I was kicked out from lab, thrown duster at, shouted at because I slept during lesson/prep, but I was always top 3 in the batch.
because of my consistent good results and seemly quiet and perceived good manner, I was always the teachers' pet. I could fly openly, walked past through the guard post in normal kurung to catch bus to town and no teachers would believe I fly-ed. skipped the extra class because I overslept, the teacher said, never mind let her sleep at dorm, she's ok. got caught late for assembly, the teacher reluctantly hit me, slowly. all these made me feel comfortable and loved of course, so I flourished. I scored all As (and 1As) in all kinds of papers. I scored my trial. my school was not the most established one, so my teachers would get papers from other schools (sbp, mrsm, other states) to test us. I never got 2A and below. I had teachers vowed they would submit for recheck if I didn't get straight 1A for SPM.
And that's the start of how I developed my confidence.
I lacked the protective figures during med school. living far, far away taught me independence but took its toll on my study. I flunked (passed without flying colours) it. and I stopped enjoy studying. I hate wards but I guess I couldn't quit, I mean come on cheapskate like me who feels guilty of wasting a single grain of rice, would never simply quit when there was a million ringgit price involved. I just, lived by. gone was the confidence I once had. I didn't study at all. med school was full of people who claimed they didn't study but actually finish highlighting the whole text book. when I said I didn't;t study, it meant I watched 2-3 movies per night, woke up the next day and arrived at class just on time or a minute late, got home and watched anime or maybe help subbing a bit and watched different movies at night. and repeat. oh it was wild...but I convinced myself as long as I graduated, it will be ok. what a stupid mindset and wasted potential.
I started working for the first time ever in my life then. I was shaken and broken the first month, lost 10kg and my mind, but alhamdulillah I was surrounded by good people, colleagues and some MO/specialists. I picked myself up and actually enjoyed it, some time. I don't think I did a great job, but I had some nice memories. I never got extended. I aced all my end-of-posting evaluations. I was again, the favourite of some superiors in a good way. I had MOs saying they love working with me, some even requested the roster maker to put me on call with them. in 1 posting, the boss didn't even gave me exam, she simply signed my log book because her words when I asked for viva,"no need, you have proved it.". I started to dream again...
Until MO-ship. if the first month of housemanship broke me, MO-ship killed me, literally. MO-ship was the real world. no one to cuddle you up, console you when things got awry. my colleagues were nice but they were also dying in their own way.we saved ourselves (barely) by going out for lunch together. no afterwork outing because I would rather sleep my ass off. I never met patients from hell before I became an MO. Patients who made me feel like my whole 6-years of med school and 2 years of excruciating housemanship wasted on them. patients who made me swore, never again.
I took MRCP part 1, hoping that would save me from patients and hospital from hell. I didn't study much because I had no time and energy to but I thought I was clever enough to pass it, like med school.
I failed, for the first time ever in my life.
I took it very hard. I cried for months. I hiked Bukit larut alone (following uncles/aunties gang) and cried. I was a disaster. the cheapskate in me took it harder I guess, rm3.1k gone for nothing.
and that humbled me a lot. I realised I was not as clever as I hoped/thought. I realised I need to study properly this time for post-grad. I was then got my transfer to where it started, the exact hospital where I did my housemanship. I got into forensic. it was a male-dominant dept. I of course couldn't make friends but thank god it's home, I was so grateful for friends during housemanship. this was where I got my 'healing'. while the environment was not "very" welcoming, it wasn't hostile either. honestly, it was quite comfortable. I picked myself up again.
I decided I need to think of what I really want to do, or quit being a doctor. I need to be happy, and I will work for it. I started to think what kind of environment I can work with. I cannot do wards, OTs, clinics-i would rather die or kill someone, maybe not with my hands but yeah I would, I have no sympathy or shits left for patients from hell. oh not all patients are patients from hell, but once you encounter them, that's it, and we the provider somehow can't do shit to them. macam balaci. that left me with clinical support departments. so I tried to study for patho, but my brain just wouldn't let me. and the minimal training using microscope was enough to drain me 🥵. I crossed out radiology because I hate the frequent interdepartmental issues and the on call was tiring and not worth it.
And alhamdulillah, I stumbled upon my current department, at the right time by sheer dumb luck. the happenstance. and I liked it. instant click, I would say. it was easy. It was so natural. it reminded me of high school. having surrounded with physics people helped too, I guess. I just, got it. it felt destined. at that time, dr Mathi (my ex-medical mo, now physician) was studying for paces and he always lepak in our room for lunch. the honorary forensic mo, we called him. he said, the only way to go forward is exam. study, and try it with aim to pass. I took his advice to heart, studied, and tried for hlp.
I got in. and it was all a history. alhamdulillah.
*****
the history.
I was of course, looked down upon when I first got it.got accused of using cable/connection -euwww not my standard. thank god I was already humbled from failed MRCP attempt and well-communicate from my psy training. I breezed my first year of course. I passed my mock and instead of nagging, my lecturer advised me "kindly" on how to be better.
come 2nd and 3rd year, again, I met people who rooted for me. the reassurance that I will be ok. it reminded me of high school. I knew from the beginning, I was a nobody, nobody would bat an eye if I fail. in fact, I thought (and felt), if everyone scored the same and they need someone to fail for whatever reason, it surely would be me, the nobody. at that point of time, I believe i need to convince people that I am not the one who should fail. oh I do study, but this time, again, like high school, because I like it. but you know, sometimes it's not about how much you study. but of course, the more you study/work, the luckier you are. and again, don't count out the human factor, the testimonial kinda. I need to convince people I am worthy, and the easiest people to convince are those outside my department. I did my best in my department of course, but I don't think I am/was appreciated enough, I was/am not good at selling myself. everyone is doing the same job, so they don't see the extra details/effort I put in. Some did appreciate it (especially here, despite me hating my current workplace), and I am thankful for that confidence boost. the rotations, on the other hand, were great sources of confidence boost. everyone was so kind and rooted for me. everyone, really. the ijn, the Onco, the radio, everyone taught me a lot and told me I did good job during the attachment and they look forward to work with me again in the future. this was high school all over again. I flourished. I couldn't get study leave (and still butthurt those who were not taking exam could get cuti rehat, not EL/MC😤) prior to my biggest exam yet, the 3rd year exam, but deep down I knew I will pass it. even after the exam when I heard some of us failed, I knew for sure it won't be me. I was that confident.
final year, I had to move away from my comfort zone. away from mom and dad, away from my close friends, away from my home, my siblings and my cat. I anticipated the adjustment disorder but it was still hard. moving away from a proper home to a room smaller than my kitchen. from 55 inch 4k uhd tv to lcd screen. and need to use laundromat oh god save me. all these truly humbled me a lot more. luckily 4th year was a bit of confirm pass until proven otherwise. I'm still thankful tho for this opportunity, this current workplace does studies my previous hospital does not do. it's the learning experience that I need despite me hating all the changes. and the teaching here was really helpful, I appreciate that. I may not be close to them but somehow they all convinced me that they were rooting for me. and some patients here were the complete opposite of patients from hell. at every clinic session, clerking time and stress time, I would have at least 1 patient who is very thankful for us being kind. I had patients praying out loud, with hands up in the air, praying for my success in all my endeavour. I was like thank you so much makcik/pakcik 😭😭😭😭😭😭 please pray for your health too ok. this is where the best patients are, seriously. bila makcik pakcik tudung labuh/pakai kopiah yang baru first time jumpa doa macam tu untuk kita, terus rasa macam anything and everything is possible. so armed with the doa (my own, my parents, my patients and my friends), the teaching and at the comfort of home, of course, I aced it. I never doubt for a second, I knew I would pass. alhamdulillah.
*****
I will stay in government at least for the next 5 years, cheapskate ma, no way Jose I'd pay the bond, nope. I will learn a lot more and I will get board certified within this 5 years. I will try my best to be very nice to all my patients. very nice, I mean it, not just nice enough. then to re-evaluate, to stay or not. and I look forward to it.
Alhamdulillah.