My Life Is A Miracle

I have a difficult time being comfortable in social settings. I am awkward. I don't feel like I have much in common with anyone else. I don't feel like anything I have to say is interesting to others. I don't feel like I am relevant, or part of many groups. (Clarification: These things are mostly in my own head. I seem to be well liked by others, and am often included in many settings and situations.) This is why most of my friends are online. Some of the friendships I have formed online are very real. I have just as many true, real friends online as I do offline. Even though I rarely turn on my chat, and I am not great about returning messages, I have friends I know I can turn to anytime, about anything.

But I have encapsulated myself in this comfort zone. The same way some people are always on the phone, talking for hours with their dearest friends or making busy talk with others in the community, I hit the computer to see what's going on in the world, and in my world. I often find out about major news stories on Facebook or Twitter long before I have checked the actual news. And most of my reactions to what has been going on will also be found in those places, rather than sharing them openly with those sitting right beside me. This is not about a disconnect between me and those around me. This is about me, not connecting.

And it feels empty. There is no longer any comfort there, online. The connections I have are very real in most of the ways that count, but they are not complete. I have X amount of "friends", and X amount of "followers". But among all of those with whom I have causes, laughs, tears, interests, and even family in common, I feel isolated and disconnected.

It's not real.

So, I need to find things that are real. Which means I need to change.

I have gone over several of the previous entries I  made here. I don't know if I am the only person who pores over a journal and winces at how it was written, without reflecting on what was said. But that's what I end up doing. And often, I end up asking myself what I was so upset about. This blog has always been a journal of sorts, but I want to try something different. I want to journal about looking forward, not retelling what has passed. Of course, the past shapes the future, and the present, but I have pretty much told everything I would ever share and it's time to switch gears.

To say I am making some changes in my life would be trite. Aren't we always changing something; evolving, growing? And haven't I always done that? The only thing constant in life is change.

One thing I have started doing is, and brace yourself.....exercise. I can diet with the best of them. I have been on every diet under the sun. I can tell you the points or carb value of almost anything. And yet, I am still the heaviest I have ever been. Sometimes it takes years of drilling for someone like myself to get it, what it takes to make real changes. And then, suddenly, it hits you. Not just hits you, but really gets in there and implants. Suddenly, I find myself wanting to move. I started the Couch To 5k running program. It is exactly how it sounds. Couch lovers like myself, who probably couldn't run out of a burning building, can condition themselves, slowly, to run a 5k in 9 weeks. I am still in the beginning days, but even as I am tiring and my chest is burning and I feel dizzy and I just want to quit and eat and be lazy and fat and happy, there is a new voice in my head that tells me not to quit. One more step. One more step. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. There is no quitting. You will not quit. And you know what? I listen. The truth is, I have seen more than one friend transform themselves from someone just like me into marathon runners and bikers. They inspire me, and I choose to believe them when they say they crave it and they can't imagine not living their new lifestyles, though I am skeptical. Doing it is one thing, but enjoying it? Let's just say, I can't see it from here. What I do see for myself is being fit, energetic, healthy, and happy with my body. I envision going for entire days without thinking about my body; how it looks, how it feels, what parts of it I want to hide from the world, what parts of it hurt. I just want to be comfortable in it. 

...I don't blog anymore.

I know too many bloggers. I know too many college students and English majors. And I feel like I need to "be a writer" to write.

Having realized that, I think I am over it. I am not writing the Great American Novel here, like one friend just did (Wow, you write a BOOK!), I am blogging my thoughts, experiences and basic goings-on. They don't happen in perfect composition....actually they do.... but they don't have to be relayed that way.

Today I  learned that my twelve year old son may have been discussing a female classmate in a way that is way beyond ungentlemanly. Never mind how I found out, I will find my ways. But I intend to see it through and find out what I can. I can not tolerate this behavior. To talk trash about a girl, one you barely know, and are making stuff up about or any girl is reprehensible and I will not have it. If he disrespects one woman he disrespects us all, and mama will not be disrespected. I am trying to raise a gentleman. I am also trying to decide on how I feel about the fact that he just broke up with a girlfriend with "several friends nearby saying "Do it! Do it!". Lord am I raising an asshole or a typical twelve year old?

Speaking of breakups, after this one happened I felt sad for the girl. He started seeing her on the heels of another breakup of a seven month relationship, a very long time for his age. I knew this new girlfriend was not as special to him as the other girl, and I didn't expect it to last long. It was long enough to hurt her, however. And I felt bad for her, remembering the countless heartbreaks we girls endure growing up. I also know she will get over it pretty quickly so that's ok. But then it got me thinking about how they will relate to each other down the road- in weeks months, later in high school. Will they think of each other as "exs", or as a friend they once dated way back in middle school? Will it affect future friendships and relationships? I have no frame of reference for this. I moved every single year of my life, at least once. If I lost a boyfriend, no big deal as I would never have to worry about seeing him for more than several months. It's something I think I might find interesting to watch in with my kids even though most people might think nothing of it. I also  wonder if this is what keeps me trapped in the past as I sometimes feel I am. I seek out old friends, acquaintances and look up people I knew only briefly, just to see what their life is like. Is this due to the constant lack of closure in my interactions and relationships with them? My life is certainly full and satisfying today, yet I am pulled to connect to the past quite often. I learn so much not just from my kids but from being their mother in the first place.

My son's marriage is a wreck. Yesterday, he changed his Facebook relationship status to "single". What followed were several "haha" and "yeah, right" posts from friends and family. I, too, thought he was joking, looking to stir a little mischief. But I thought I better ask. I sent him a text- "Was that a joke?"

"Nope."

It seems my daughter-in-law has been seeing another man. I have not spoken to her, nor gotten the particulars. It's none of my business, really. At least not the details. But my son told me she has admitted to cheating on him.

I am stunned. This is a girl who talks so very frequently about the blessings in her life, how much she loves her life and her family. The girl who flirts back and forth with my son publicly all the time. The girl who, just nine months ago, vowed in front of God and family to love and cherish him forever. Yes, I am stunned.

As I am sure my first husband, Tim's father, was when I did the same thing to him. This is the heart of my angst at this point. My son's heart is breaking, and mine is breaking for both of them. And I have not yet begun to feel the weight of how my granddaughters may be feeling. Tim was a baby when his father and I split. I have one granddaughter who is a baby, but one who is five and is no doubt feeling the impact of this crisis today. I pray that she is being comforted and reassured in some way that everything will be ok. Even if it won't.

It would be easy to lay blame and adopt a "you hurt my baby" attitude, but I can't. I love her. I accepted her as my daughter a long time ago. And though I may not know what has driven her to this situation, I do have a pretty good idea how she may feel. I am fairly certain that not one part of her feels that this is okay, and she is probably hating herself even if she is covering it up with blame and anger for him.

And I wonder what he is thinking. Is he thinking that his own mother did this, and now his wife, and therefore all women will? Do his feelings about what I did add to his pain and anger? He has forgiven me, at least to the point of loving and accepting me in his life. Will he be able to do the same for her? He is a big guy, very tough exterior and not one to show emotions, but all I picture is my little boy hurting.

As a mother, a mother of a grown man, I must remember to step back. I told him as much yesterday. I am here for him anytime, for anything, but that I do not want to interfere or meddle. He appreciates that. So that leaves me here to worry and lose sleep and smoke cigarettes and pray and pray and pray.

I was shunned by my first husband's family when I cheated on him. I was literally dumped on a curb in the middle of the night when he found out. He kept my son from me for a time. I was judged and hated and rejected by the family. And I may have even deserved that. But that is one part of history that will not repeat in this case. This is not about my son, this is about a family. A family that I am a part of. And so is she. Her mother is dead, her father is not in her life. I can not see myself turning her away any more than I could turn him away. These are my kids.

Pray and pray and pray.

When I am with people- at work, at home with the kids, with relatives- I crave solitude and quiet.

When I am alone, in the quiet, I feel lonely.

I am sure there is a known and simple answer to this. But it confounds me.

Before I start today's thought, I need to say that yesterday's post was not a plea for platitudes or cajoling. And it was not directed at anyone in particular. In fact, if you are reading this chances are good, really good, that it does not pertain to you at all. I just write what I think and feel. If I need your feedback or compliments, I will definitely let you know! I will cry and beg and plead with you to tell me you love me and I am wonderful!! I will also probably be drunk, so ignore that if it happens.

Just enough. This is what my family and I are given each and every single day  of our lives. We have weeks where shit gets real on the financial front. Weeks where I make it look like I am being super cool by letting the kids have Ramen (which they love) for dinner. And they know the truth, they're not stupid. But for me, it doesn't feel great. But it is enough. We never seem to not have what we need, at the most basic level. I am grateful. So grateful that I say it several times a day when dealing with various subjects. "I have just enough, that is awesome!" or "I have just enough, I do not need more than this even though I may want more." Always enough. God is good. All the time.

But I awoke this morning feeling most melancholy and tired, even though I had a good night's sleep (which rarely happens). And the thought hit me like a tidal wave-

I am settling for just enough.

I am grateful, yet I realize I may be limiting myself as well. I could have more, and it isn't about greed or selfishness. I could be more. I could give more. I could expect more of and for myself. I could go out and get more. I could have more here at home.

Not more stuff. Not better stuff. Not stuff. Just more. More life. More security. More fulfillment.

And why am I not doing that?

I have recently found myself caught up in a new-ish HBO show called Enlightened, starring Laura Dern. I turned it on one evening while waiting for something else to come on, and it sucked me in. The jist is, Dern's character, Amy, is an upper level executive at a health and beauty corporation who has a workplace meltdown and takes a sabbatical in Hawaii, returning as half of my Facebook friends; laid back, "spiritual", natural and looking to change the world with love, peace, kindness and activism. You can see why this may not entertain me.

The truth is, I find myself rooting for this character who is 40, lives with her aloof, disapproving mother and is viewed as a loser among her peers. They talk a good game to her face, all the while laughing behind her back about what a screw up she is and how pathetic her new spirit is. These are things I am often convincing myself my friends are doing. Online friends, real life friends, and of course, my "friends". Sometimes it's absolutely true, but most often I am just being paranoid. Amy, however, has no clue most of the time. And when she does get her senses tingling that someone may not be genuine, she quickly second guesses herself and decides to think the best of that person. This is something I don't do often enough. Or maybe too often. Who knows?

There are some lines of  narrative dialogue in a recent episode that I had to rewind and listen to a few times. I just thought I would share them, I wish I had written them. They play in my head numerous times a day, have for years.

"Are we connected? What do you say about me? Was I mean to you? Were you to me? What do you think of me, deep down? Am I ridiculous, or sweet, or decent?


Are we friends? Do you care?


Let it go, let it go.


Let it go."

I am fully aware that I need to get over myself. Keeping it all about me is not the way to feel better, I know this. Amy seems to know it, too. She reminds herself what she learns in yoga (of course!) class - 'Let it go'. I just wanted to share some simply written and deeply profound (at least to me) dialogue.