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365: Repeat the year?

Friday, November 19, 2021 | Labels:

Hye chuols.. Okeh baru de mood nk sambung cite psl kdrama yg sy dh khatam few days back. Sinopsis dia baca situ. Cite best, plot twist ujung2 as always la kdrama kan.. tau2 je 24 episod gone. 

Yakkk..  "sempat ko eh siap tgk kdrama smpai 3-4 cite khatam?" sabar chuols yg anak2 tgh nak besar. Sy dulu mcm korg gak. Segalanya rasa kalut je nk buat x cukup tgn, x cukup masa kekdahnya. Tggu anak2 korg besar dah pandai bawak diri mcm anak2 dara sy, insyaAllah byk je masa. Bukan nk review psl cite tu cuma nak relate jalan cite. What if you had the chance to repeat the year? Kalo mcm sy bleh turn back time balik tahun 2020? Bleh balik jumpa arwah abah tapi kena lalui jalan cerita kehilangan yang sama. Would you?
 
Ni memories kt fb timeline arini. Bulan 11/12 would be bulan yang sedih/perit/sakit untuk sy hadap utk tahun2 mendatang. Paling sedih sy buat surat mati arwah abah on the day of my birthday last year. Hadiah 38th birthday sy- surat mati arwah abah. It took me almost a year to open up about hari2 terakhir abah. Maybe on 26/12/2021, I would finally have the courage utk bercerita ttg hari abah meninggal. 

Back to the question. Kalau lah sy diberi peluang balik ke tahun 2020, dpt jumpa, peluk abah yg masih hidup tp perlu lalui segala apa yg sy lalui thn lepas. Jawapan sy? TAK NAK. Kenapa? Sbb org yg nk turn back time ni selalunya ada mende yg dia regret x buat. Tp dpt jumpa abah. Ye..tp Allah dh tetapkan ajal abah xkn cepat/ lambat walau sesaat pun. Untuk lalui masa2 abah sakit sekali lagi, sy xmampu. Bila kau terpaksa kuatkn diri tengok org yg kau sayang dalam kesakitan tp kau x mampu nk buat apa. Lepas doktor pakar panggil personally nk bgtau organ dalaman abah semua dh rosak, kuman dr hati dah merebak, sy duduk kt hallway wad xtau apa perasaan masa tu. 

Sy tau abah sakit tp bila doktor bgtau mcm tu rasa mcm lembik kaki nk berdiri. Nak menangis tp airmata x leh keluar. Nk meraung tp suara tersekat kt kerongkong x boleh bernafas. Nak call share dgn org lain tp x mampu nk cerita. Dkt stgh jam dok kt hallway tu termenung kosong, tembus dinding. Lama sikit air mata start menitik, lepas tu start sebak x boleh stop nangis. Tgk jam dh time bg abah minum susu ikut tiub tp air mata makin laju. Allah.. masuk surau solat sunat mintak tolong la bg airmata ni berenti. Seingat sy sepanjang sy jaga abah x pernah sekali pun sy menangis depan abah. Sampai masa2 last abah kt rumah pun abah masih pesan "adik jangan sedih2 na kalo abah dah xdak". Sebab selama hari ni kalo apa2 jd dlm life sy abah akan ckp "dah, jangan sedih2.. abah kan ada". 

Biarlah sy kenang abah yg tersenyum mcm ni. Semoga abah tenang di sana. Al-fatihah untuk abah. 

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10/11/2021: Hana's 1st pfizer

Thursday, November 11, 2021 |

Hari ni bwk #2 gi vaksin walk in sbb date yg skolah bg 26/10 aritu Hana lom genap 12 thn. Konon rasa dh sihat so mama bwk instead of papa. Selama hari ni kan mama cargas bwk anak ke sana ke mari. Memula g UEM LC kt PJ. Round cari parking punya la susah+org ramai ya amat. Trus berdebar, jantung laju. Okeh kena g tempat lain so gerak g Thomson. Ntah bape kali silap jalan sdgkn jalan biasa lalu, pastu berdebar, jantung laju, pakai mask rasa tercekik, nk muntah, dalam badan dh gigil2, ketar pgg stereng bwk gak slow2 walopun rasa mcm nk stop kete tgh jalan sbb debar tu xleh explain. Hana memula cakap byk pun x pasal kena marah, dia pun cuak agaknya tgk mama emosi x stabil. Alhamdulillah smpai gak tempat dituju. Hana pun setel vaksin. Sgt efisien kt sini walopun ramai yg amik booster/2nd dose/1st dose.. Servis laju. 
Hubsy tetiba ws kata dh tggu kt bwh. Smpai kena dtg amik. Sdgkn hubs baru lpas anta #3 ngan #4 g Kafa. Park kt shell KJ then amik grab ke KD. Samada hubs risau psl sy or takut anak dia affected ngan panick attack sy. Tak kisah la yg penting hubs dtg rescue drive kn blk.
Post covid ni, life dh x sama. Social anxiety sy makin teruk. Even nk berckp dgn org jd risau "Xpe ke? Nanti kalo aku jangkitkn covid kt dorg cane? Dorg ada anak kecik nanti jangkit cane? Dorg dpt covid dr aku ke?" Nk berckp dgn org pun jd takut. Jd risau. Mmg dh x sama. Byk kali share kt fb utk yakinkn diri sendiri "lpas 10 hari aku x jangkitkn org lain.. virus tu dlm badan aku je". 
Org yg x hadap mesti ingat layankan perasaan sgt. Overthink. Sy baca Quran tiap2 hari, sy solat Jemaah dgn hubs & the kids 5 waktu setiap hari.. kalo nk kata sy tak jdkan amalan. Bahagian sy agaknya. Semoga cepat recover. Serious skrg ni sy x rasa mcm diri sendiri.

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Tragedi Oktober: Cerita covid-19

Tuesday, November 02, 2021 |

17/10-Naik bas dr Sp-TBS. Hubs ngan anak2 blk lambat sket sbb nk elak jem. Mama sorg je dh start skolah. Suspect dr sini kena. Long hours+confined space. 


18/10- G skolah mcm biasa. Bgn pagi dh start rasa sakit badan. Pk sbb travel lama dlm bas. Gap sejam between class sempat tido bwh meja dlm blk guru. Letih lesu lain mcm so mmg x dekat dgn murid. Blk skolah tghari tu dh start gigil2 demam. Ptg hubs ngan the kids dh balik belikan sup ayam, yaya ngan uppa tumpang semulut dua then bwk g klinik. Temp 40°. Doc bg ubat demam+antibiotik. Buat saliva test -ve. 


19/10- Cuti Maulidur Rasul. Masih demam terkelepek on off. Mkn ubat ok pastu lpas 4 jam ketar blk. Lenguh seluruh badan xleh tido malam. Badan kt luar panas tp dlm gigil2. 


20/10- Demam makin teruk, makin x larat. Rasa abis segala sendi ni sakit. Nk smyg abiskan 4 rakaat pun rasa nk lekang 1 badan, rasa nk nangis x leh explain. Kol 5 pg hubs bwk g klinik lg. Temp 39.5°, test denggi -ve, balik buat saliva test lg skali naik 2 line +ve. Hubs cr klinik yg bukak plg awal nk buat pcr. Ada klinik bukak kol 9.30am trus buat. Tggu result esoknya hubs hope for false +ve tp hati rasa mcm mmg confirm.


21/10- Kol 9.40am dpt result test +ve. Klinik direct report result kt KKM so no need update myS. Hubs bwk anak2 stay hotel to minimise contact then at 11am bwk the kids buat pcr jugak. Risaunya Yaya ngan Uppa sbb share sudu sup masa demam. Kali ni cepat plak dpt result at 8.20pm the same day. Turns out Uppa sorg +ve yg lain Alhamdulillah -ve. Power gak ar yaya lom complete 2nd dose pun x kena. Sdgkn kalo ikut sequence guna sudu mama-yaya-uppa. Alhamdulillah..


22/10- MyS dh naik merah. Day 5 bergejala. Day 1 HSO start 22/10- 31/10. Call CAC tnya perlu ke pergi, pic tnya simptom semua then advice home kuarantin je, takut g CAC kang dpt varian lain plak. Cuma kalo simptom makin teruk, oksigen low trus g emergency. Demam panas masih on off+sakit kepala teruk (jenis bergerak sikit pun kepala ko rasa nk meletop)+ sakit tekak yg kering gila2 rasa mcm luka then ada ketul yg buatkn ko susah bernafas+pahit mulut +hidung dh start tersumbat. Uppa demam 38.5°, merengek melepek. Mama kena monitor every 4 hours bg ubat demam+tampal cool fever+oximeter setiap masa. Alang2 mama pun xleh tido sbb setiap kali nk baring rasa sesak nafas. O2 paling low 95. Uppa pahit mulut x lalu makan paksa pun xnk, end up 2-3x muntah sbb perut kosong.
 

23/10- Bila dh sakit muntah2 baru la dia nk start makan. Itupun order bubur mcD tiap2 hari tanpa jemu. Xpe la. Asalkn nk makan. Mama mmg sambil jaga dia sambil melepek lembik. Konon nk try masak bubur utk anak tp deria rasa & bau dh xde+brain fog. Bukak api nk masak pastu lupa nk buat apa. G bg uppa mkn ubat pastu g dapur blk nk minum air tgk2 air dlm periuk dh kering🤦🏻ok lpas tu mmg dh x msk. Uppa masih demam tp temp dh turun 37.8°. 


24/10- Uppa dh x demam. Temp 36.5°. Dh start aktif melompat2 kt trampolin. Makan pun lalu. Alhamdulillah demam 2 hari je. Antibodi budak2 kuat. Nasib baik jugak la ada Uppa kuarantin skali. Mama dh start mental breakdown. At least bz attend dia, berckp dgn dia mama kurang pk sakit sendiri. 


25&26/10- Day 8&9 so far paling hazab. Bangun pagi dh start batuk. Mmg batuk smpai x cukup nafas. Nk berckp pun x lpas. Batuk teruk rasa mcm nk pecah dada pastu rasa sebu setiap kali. Perit pedih dada rasa mcm tangkai jantung direnggut2 setiap kali batuk. Batuk combo sakit kepala bleh bayang? Setiap kali batuk setiap kali tu jugak kepala ko berdesing mcm nk pecah. All in batuk+sakit kepala+perit tekak+pahit mulut+hidung sumbat+xde deria rasa&bau+demam dh turun 37.5°. But still malam2 x boleh tido sakit dada sbb batuk end up tido meniarap. Itu pun dpt tido dlm 2 jam sblm subuh.


27/10- Masih batuk with less pain in chest. Batuk berkahak yg x lepas. Dh start semput. Seriously mmg siksa. Bygkan jalan dr ruang tamu ke dapur dia punya semput tu mcm lari 100m. Bpm 113-145. Apakah? Aku jalan je kot itupun menapak langkah demi langkah mcm sloth blom msk pitstop smpai 3-4 tempat. 


28/10- 31/10- Dah baik demam, batuk tp x sepenuhnya. Kuman covid ni dia testing tembak 1-1 antibodi kita bg lemah. Arini sakit tekak, esok dh baik sakit kepala pulak, ok dh baik hidung tersumbat smpai xleh nafas plak, esok demam pulak, next batuk teruk kalo nasib x baik semua serang skali harung. Mmg mintak nyawa ko nk hadap sakit. 


1/11- Day 15 bergejala, day 11 HSO. Last day buat home assesment covid kt myS pagi then myS tukar dr merah ke biru. Alhamdulillah.. Paling ketara post covid simptom skrg ni semput & anxiety teruk. Td nk g klinik sambung mc sbb nk berjalan pun x larat apa lg nk naik tangga g kelas. Nampak org ramai kt klinik trus pecah peluh sejuk, pening melayang, berdebar2 rasa nk pitam, gigil2 badan. Trus g klinik lain yg x ramai org. Doc kata normal post covid simptom tu. Ada yg amik masa 2-3 bulan nk ok balik. 




Sampai sini dulu kronologi covid. Nanti sambung cerita kalo rajin😅. Spjg kuarantin ni mmg x lalu nk tgk phone apa lg laptop. Mmg lembik melepek ada yg org ws tnya khabar pun x reply. Ni br ada mood nk mengarang in case ada kawan2 yg br nk hadap xtau nk buat apa. Walopun hari2 KKM sharing tp bila kita sendiri yg ngadap jd lost xtau nk buat apa. Simpan sini utk kenangan.

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7 years already! OMG (12/11/2014 to date 22/08/2021)

Sunday, August 22, 2021 |

Fuh..fuh.. tiup sawang 1st! Bukan setakat bersawang dah jadi haunted blog dh 😆Assalamulaikum and morning chuolls.. it's been 7 years since I stop blogging. Just sharing my moments in brief through Ig and Fb. How time flies. There's so many things happened during these 7 years. The girls have grown up too. This is us now.. makin 'berkembang pesat' kan? Especially the mom.. bahagia sgt nampaknya ahahahahaha.. Almost forgot about this blog then out of nowhere my eldest shared my post about her when she was 5. Omo3..bring back memories sgt. Even they can read what I wrote about them now. How time really flies. Since we are now in pandemic Covid 19, most of our time quarantine at home. Maybe I'll try to write backdated stories from 2014 till now. If ada kerajinan la.. hello blogspot, I'm back for now. 


Us on October 2014

vs 


Us now on July 2021.

On 2014:
Aulia was 8yo - standard 2
Hana was 5yo 
Khayla was 3yo
Zulfa was 2 yo

and here on 2021:
Aulia is 15 - form 3
Hana is 12 - standard 6
Khayla is 10 - standard 4
Zulfa is 9 - standard 3

...and mama & papa getting older by time. Till then.. much love from us.. 😍😍😍

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Lesson learned today..

Wednesday, November 12, 2014 |

Today PPKI celebrate our annual Pre-Graduation & Birthday Celebration for our special kids. I sat next to my new boy and his mother. My new boy H is a brilliant boy and normal. He is not suitable to be in PPKI. The problem with him is he didn’t want to go to school for 6 months. The problem started from mental bully from former friends. Calling names and everything. I was so pissed of when the doctor who diagnosed him, put him in ADD category. I was like WHAT? WHY? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? He got the OKU card then there he is in my class. I am his class teacher and I’m so pissed off when I think that the mother simply put him in PPKI just for the sake of him to go to school. Mengikut sangat anak xnak pergi sekolah..

Here I am today sitting next to her. Being professional I asked her politely to put his son in Inclusive class next year as he is a bright boy. He is a shy and cute boy. Just smile and nodded when the mother ask with one condition that he can continue all the theraphy that he wants in PPKI. We agree. Then the conversation move to other subject until the mother finally reveal that the father is bedridden patient. Every weekend they will travel back to kampung to visit the father because no one to take care of his father here in PJ as the mother had to work.

The mother thought that is one of the reason why H don’t want to go to school. The saddest part is everytime when the mother cried thinking about the father, he will be the one to calm her. When the mother asked why he never cried? He said that “Xpe..ibu nangis. H nangis dalam hati.” ALLAHUAKBAR and I broke into tears.. hell with professionalism.. I’m human. My 7 years old boy menggalas beban sebesar itu. Ya Allah..kau permudahkan kehidupannya. Cerahkan masa depan anak ni. Husnuzzon. Allah lebih tau. DIA xkan uji kalo tau hambanya x mampu.

The mother admit that she just want her son to go to school. And I know deep down inside that my boy H is breaking. A sick father, a sorrow mother. A 7 years old boy. And now in new environment he is trying to pick up the pieces that is broken. Re-gain his confidence in social life. I still broke in tears while typing this. I can see his face inside my eyes. Lesson learned. Don’t simply judge someone. Please stop judging other people if u just know the surface. To H..cikgu mintak maaf for my pre-judgement. Thinking that you are simply an only son that had been spoiled. Sampai akhir hayat cikgu doakan di permudahkan kehidupan awak untuk berbakti kepada ibu & ayah awak. Semoga Allah sentiasa beri kekuatan & kesabaran untuk awak tempuhi hidup selagi hayat di kandung badan. Amiinn..

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