So, no ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, one time Obama actually showed up at my house trying to sell me furry porn. At first I was hyped—like, damn, the President of the United States just knocked on my door. Historic moment. But then this man starts unpacking a whole ass briefcase full of laminated wolf drawings.

He’s in my living room talking about his “fursona” being a wolf, calling it epic, like I’m supposed to nod along and know what the ♥♥♥♥ is going on. I’m trying to be polite, but every time I say “nah, I’m good,” he flips to another page.

And then Biden strolls in behind him, already red in the face, just yelling at nobody in particular: “STOP JERKING IT! EVERYBODY PUT IT AWAY RIGHT NOW!” Like, bro, I’m not even holding anything.

Next thing I know, Biden just punches a hole through my drywall and starts crying because “this isn’t how it was supposed to go.” Obama pats him on the back, then turns to me and says, completely straight-faced: “You’ve got mongoose energy. I could draw you as a mongoose. With tits and a wiener.” He put a real weird emphasis on the word and.

At that point, my soul left my body. I’ve never been more embarrassed to be alive. I finally shoved both of them out the door, scrubbed every surface in the house with bleach, and prayed to whatever higher power still tolerated me.

Historic visit, though.