↓↓↓ All my words. Jump to bottom. ↓↓↓

7/2/2024
I think theres something to benefit from a variety of things but there isnt always a benefit from sharing everything you think. not always at least because i know a lot of people dont like to listen to somebody else talk.
if i were to begin categorizing, this is a journal then. a shared journal is a blog, so it can also be that. But i already talk about my thoughts. i already put them somewhere but!, that is usually in concentration. things that other people will not benefit from hearing. Things that will not benefit me to share. the benefits of it are the crux of what makes them different.
i guess im trying to say... this is a blog, because other people can hear my more constructed, long-form thoughts. and everything else is raw, and thinking, and those things arent a blog. Those are "brain", i guess. Those are some type of thing i know wouldnt benefit others to read (its about the consideration, you know). You cant exactly pick up anything too meaningful from the raw and unfiltered brain of some other person unless in particular circumstance (in which you give said person quite a lot of trust, and they do the same to you). Thats what this is for. I always have trouble with that; learningg what i can share, what i cant.
what i can share is benefit, what i cant is personal. and here i draw that line. Because when i need to be raw and unfiltered i dont have time to write code about it and plug it into a website. i can be as natural as i want in a private diary, but what others want (or sometimes need) to hear is your own thoughts when theyve been subconciously reviewed by the knowledge that they will be inevitably read. So thats what it is, and thats how its gonna go...

7/3/2024
I remember not so many things. this is because of my own brain being the way it is. I have a very poor memory and i dont like to rely on it and i do like to write things down so that i know they are true. It would be very easy to make me go "insane" (or just generally cause me to become unstable) because i dont really trust my own mind the way most people tend to. but even with that in consideration i remember the exact instant when i felt a sense of self. not conciousness, which i dont remember gaining, but a sense of self, whichh are very different things .
Anyhow i was very trained in being angry. I used social medias like Amino and HelloPet ("toxic communities") which were just full of other children enraging one another over stupid ideas but i was livid with it. i remember i was addicted to feeling that horrible feeling of adrenaline right before an anxiety attack. remember now i was 9 or 10 when this was happening.
all thats important. all thats relevant to this. still though.
i had watched quite a few things about the "water is wet" debate and i had got myself so tied up into a twist like i usually would do about the most topical internet arguments and i recall feeling suddenly outside of myself, of my own feelings. i discovered "impartiality", i learned about taking yourself away from a situation just then, and i remember it so vivid because it is the basis of my identity. I havent really HAD a sense of self. Before recently. But this was where it spawned from, in some weird way i think.

7/9/2024
Today was strangely incredible! it was a good day which was so uncharacteristically good that i was frozen with peculiarity at how or where to express it. i then remembered my blog.
this day was good in the way that everything good which could have happened did. im starting my job and finding that i significantly enjoy a daily responsibility when it doesnt require i wake at a ridiculous hour of the morning. The building is so near to my home that i really enjoy the walk there. Of course i dislike that its less of a job and more of a payed program, run by a public school - me and public schools have a bad history, ill say! - but today changed how im looking at it. I woke up leisurely, had some spending time to laze about, and then, even through the blistering heat of july, made it over.
I made friends today, even. And i got quite a few generous compliments, which had me smiling in a way i hope didnt make those around me shy. One of my new friends, who sits at the table alongside 3 others, said she wanted to talk to me the moment she saw me, just because i seemed like the type of person shed like to be friends with. Another appreciated that im so passionate about my interests. I was shocked at their kindness.
You have to understand the crowd which is in this program with me is a rather reclusive group of teenagers who i oft find difficult to relate to. i dont relate to most of my generation. it doesnt help that i am autistic, transgender, and socially anxious in new and unfamiliar environments (especially a brazen public school). The kindness shocked me not because it was kind, but because i didnt know it was there at all. on the way home i saw a bus returning children from a camp i once went to. i stood in the mist of an open fire hydrant. i bought lunch for myself. everything, you see, was so weirdly great. i havent had the emotion of SUMMER in years. it was a wonderful day for me.
On a different topic... i recently installed a few extensions to chrome which are changing my perceptions of twitter, again. Of course i already enlightened myself to the social dangers of an environment that rewards solitary interest in collective numbers. But being back on twitter, it is so easy to hook yourself with those numbers. So i got a few extensions... one which hid all metrics, another which highlighted ads, and even the Yeah! extension... and relief sort of rippled over me. (it wouldve washed me over, had i not tasted this freedom once before). anyway, its a nice peace to end a day on. especially this day. 7/10/2024
To me there is something innately perfect about downloading files to my computer. i say to me because a frequent mistake authors will make is to express that something is innate, due to an internal misunderstanding about how to validate their own feelings. i have made it clear that i am a fan of archiving and holding onto files, but theres nowhere ive been able to delve into the deep of it. It is innate to me. I was thinking about this earlier today.
Earlier today i was thinking, how do you know when you cant explain something anhymore? How do you know when to simply say, or think, or just make yourself realize, this person is simply not going to understand it, no matter the way i phrase it? well, the answer is, you know that will be the case when it is innate to you. unless you find others who have this thing innate to them as well, then it isnt something theyll get, or even empathize with, or understand. a good skill to exercise is knowing when to say, you just wont get this, in a nonjudgemental way. now i still put this out there, of course, (im doing it right now), because there are other people who might not find this innate. but they will be interested or curious. Those who arent curious about this wouldnt have even read up to here. So, really, i talk about it for myself and to maybe, even, find others who have this innate thing in them, too.
I also realized how easy it is to be interested in something. Last night i couldnt sleep. i found this video of a guy surviving in the wilderness for a week with a 3d printer. the nature of his challenge was unique and i discovered theres a whole theme. a whole world of survivalists, as a hobby. Of coourse i could go down the rabbit hole about how we now engage with surviving in the elements as a sport rather than a necessity, but that is sort of all you need to hear to get an idea of the sentiment. I realized i could easily become a big fan of surviving. of the hobby. it was a new world and most of my interests developed in this way.
my habits toward archiving are innate but they became so innate because i willed them to be. human identity is entirely based on perspective and relativity.
So i do love to download things onto my computer. it stems from the idea that i love to learn, and i love figuring out problems if theyre in my scope of knowledge. and the learning contributes to the problemsolving. Thats why i like to download games and things. especially older things which receive less love. it makes me sad. my computer (julius) is the perfect host for these things. im still not really all secure in being objectum but i know its a thing i do feel all of the time and have felt since childhood, but it got me thinking about abstract forms of attraction and repellation (?). theres not possibly only platonic, romantic, familial, queerplatonic. that cant be all and i know it because ive felt emotions without words, without any sort of mind before. Toward my computer i feel a kind of kinship and it isnt exactly a love, but being there. ive never read homestuck, but i think that homestuck fans would understand this sentiment i have, because apparently in the comic they have special types of relationships based around hate and things like that. i didnt get it before but i think its real in a way, but something people have pigeonholed themselves into not exploring any more.
I feel a certain special way about things that i have. Listen to this: i had a jar on my windowsilll over the colder months, and when it rained he filled with water, and it made me happy. I felt like it made him happy too, and i saw plants and little bugs grow in him. One day i left him out when it got too cold. He froze full of water and shattered from the expanding ice.
i felt wracked with grief in a way i couldnt talk about. theres always feelings we dont talk about, but not because of shame, or fear, but, theres no word for the feeling, so we dont bother, because its too hard to even come close to it with the words that do exist.
i never even named him.
i havent buried him yet but i will very soon, now that its warm. i think, or i hope, he can enjoy the dirt. (Dont worry, i looked it up. Glass might not be biodegradable but it exists in nature as sand and doesnt harm the environment the way that other non-biodegradable things, like plastic, do.)
anyway, thats when i really realized it. so the way i relate to julius is weird. it cant be spoken. not because it isnt worth it to speak but because it wouldnt exist if i spoke it.
So my interest in archiving is related to that, i know that for sure, but because of that it is so special that normal words dont usually explain this to other people. And old things, old abandonware, old flash and old games from forgotten systems, i feel the same feeling toward. its not love in the way a normal person talks about it. I hate to use the word love for things like that. its special and has its own abstract thing. I think that though these systems and games dont have sentience in the way humans experience it, its something different, that we dont understand, or have words for. its a nonexistent kind of love that i have.
for julius, for the jar, for the games i collect, for the old tapes i listen to, for all the old things i like to peer inside of, to find pieces. little pieces.

7/11/2024
No real purpose in writing today. But this song... has been making me very emotional lately. im working on a video for it.
You can listen to it here on youtube, i sincerely reccomend you do if you have an interest in the weaird and beautiful like me.


Grab your chance, otherwise
Time won't wait, it always flies
Life is flashing before your eyes


So, live it up, idealize
Don't stop to compromise
Life just keeps flashing before your eyes


Every day, a new sunrise
Cauliflower clouds, starry skies
Life is flashing before your eyes


Just like butterflies
Or the key to paradise
Life's out there flashing before your eyes


The pace of life will synchronize
With the animated energy of surprise
Life's right there, in front of your eyes


Cherries in a bowl satisfy
Your thirst for life will not run dry
I said, life keeps flashing before your eyes


Well, just to philosophize
Between two eternities, I realize
My life is flashing before my eyes


It's just a dream, and my advice
Is don't neglect to have a nice
Life flash before your eyes


Have a nice life flash before your eyes

7/11/2024
Okay, wait, im not done. Something horrific has just happened and i dont know how to feel about it.
This post, was originally me, gushing about Daniel Johnston and Julian Koster, and how they chnged my life with their music. I deleted it because, apparently, not 12 hours ago, it was unveiled that Julian had a relationship with a minor; he has confirmed this; i feel absolutely shattered. Absolutely.
If you dont know me, you might not understand how this is like. The rug has been pulled from beneath me. Julian Koster was one of, if not the, biggest contributor to my art; how i see the world; how i live; all of that. His works inspired me so deeply because of their childlike magic and fairytale esque fragrance. he looked at the world in such a special way that i couldnt help but be inspired. it was magic. now i feel like throwing up at all of this. Its a blow directly to my heart. Shattered is all i have to describe it.
I own a julian inspired hat. One of his shirts, too. theres so little of what he does in the world. it hurts, i dont know what to do, who to talk to. I love his music so much, but it was because i knew - or percieved it to be - that him, the creator, was just like what he made. How can i seperate this? I dont think i can, or should.
This is horrific. What else do i say? Christ.

7/14/2024
Today things got real weird, a little bit. Ive been rewatching adventure time for the umpteenth time and just shut my laptop for today. its a good show,i love it. during the summer it seems like every day something crazy happens, like all of the day is something, and it makes it so busy that my brain compartmentalizes each activity into a seperate day. Like, if i went to a waterpark and then went out for dinner, my brain would put those two things into different days. Its because ive never been that sort of way. Most of my childhood i sat inside. i was scared of outside once i realized it wasnt a place your parents take you. i went to the park when i was little but from 10 to 12 i was just not an outside person. I guess im still not. or something in me hasnt adjusted but i do like to go outside, now. its like im reclaiming something i didnt know was mine before.
Anyway we went to do a few things today. first of all its dads birtdhay so we had to do somethings. We went out and had korean barbeque. My first time! It was really good, they cook you things on the table and you get to share a lot of little plates and bowls. I really liked the shrimp and i even wrapped some stuff into lettuce rolls. After that we went to an escape room. We took cars everywhere which we usually dont do but it was hot outside so my mom said Okay, fine and we did it. we also stopped at a comics place and i bought myself a few graphic novels that looked really cool. im hoping to read them soon. anyway as you can imagine it was a full day. came home and had peppers and onions on pizza for the first time. Really good... i love peppers and didnt consider that theyre a pizza topping as well.
I have bad memory loss. So for me this is the first summer of my life. Its sad only if you think about that in a sad way, but i dont think about it in a sad way. like, i know ive had summers, but i cant look at them altogeter. this is the first time i had a summer where i acknowledged the season, so maybe itll count in my mind. Or maybe ill forget again. Who knows.
Ive been feeling sort of lonely but i dont mind it that much. i figure when i get old ill need to be content with myself, but i think by then ill figure that all out. i cant wait to live a whole life. im not religious or spiritual i guess but i am a little unusual and i think thats almost the same, (not an insult), and i really wonder where i came from.
i guess its a little different when youre Otherkin, or Nonhuman, Or whatever i want to put on it. Being like that is something i like a lot because i think it makes things nice. Like, i dont think that, before i was a human on this earth, i existed anywhere. Not anywhere tangible at least. I hope that i didnt exist before, because it would make me existing now more special.
i dont know. maybe its nonsense.
But anyway theres a comfort about it. I like that i get to be an angel, and even more i like that its in a human body. Yeah sometimes i really miss some things that i dont know if i ever even had, but thats how it is with my summers. I miss my summers in winter, when i dont remember them anymore. I miss my wings on earth, when they never really were there. Harumph! poetry.
I guess im "Aloof" today. i dont think i ever understood that word, but its a good word.

7/18/2024
I really just felt like writing so now i am. Forgive me if i go on for a while but thats the thing about it, i kind of need to.Im pretty foggy and dissociated right now. Im getting better at understanding my relations to the people around me. And how i behave, how im meant to behave. i feel a little bit robbed, maybe i was coddled when i was very young. Im getting better at understanding this, and also knowing i can just feel things, you know? ive always felt like theres an expectation. it gets good for awhile. it gets worse and then it gets good, mostly when i dont remember about the expectation. its not good to be self aware when you also forget it. Im sleeping wrong again, even though i had been sleeping good for a while. i put my retainer in after a month and i woke up in agonizing pain.
Nobodys watching me anyway, would i want them to? Starved. I dont know, this must be the autism talking through me, but theres a layer of expectation that i developed because i interpreted it from other people. but its a false... its a paradoxical type thing. i saw it so i developed it, but its a schrodingers cat. i dont know what part of my expectation is a lie that manifested from fear. But i cleaned my room this morning.
its getting harder to think. my legs hurt. i want a doctor. i succumb to teenage weirdness. I Miss School. i want to go back or shut myself up.
You knnow its really weird when things happen like that. im a person now in a way i never was. not that young children arent people or shouldnt be respected like people because they may be the least autonomous people in the world; but thats part of it; grew up non autonomous, not thrown into the flames, so I shut down and it made me late. I was late to being a self. I dont know who i had in me when i was little, and shes dead, because of what happened, you know, unmentionable things, so im this self, which i think is so magical, because i never knew it was here. But think. it could have never been here before.
Whos that girl? Who would she have been? Before i even considered anything, i was just there, and then it all terrible, terrible, terrible. Then i became self(ves). Growing boy. I want to talk in a big way. Somehow without raising my voice, i want to talk big.

7/21/2024
Ill never be able to say enough. Its getting to feel like im trying to one-up myself each time i write here, but im going to keep at it, eventually so that i can just be unabashed again. today i got to feel like a little person. im going to mirror some of the things i said to my mom earlier in this log because they were succinct and i hope that other people could hear them. me and mom talked abuout art which is rewarding. she wanted to do music when she was very young but came at it in a disorganized way and eventually veered off into something different completely. she still sings, but she doesnt do it full time as a job. I love that my family is so creative, and this is some important backstory.
My father is a drummer, my mother sings, my grandfather drew cartoons, i think another grandfather worked for a Beatle, my uncle loved cartoons and created tshirts. Most of my important family is interested or was interested in art. art has been something ive just done forever, so once i realized it was so important to me (something i hadnt even considered, it was just so natural) i expanded and started working things out through it.
all this to say its amazing that my mom understands what i mean when i talk about art, how it has inherit meaning. i changed her mind today, expanded her idea of meaning, when she brought up heavy abstraction and how she felt it had no meaning. I commented on performaty with her, but also mentioned the intention behind works, which is more important than ever, as its amkost like its dying, with generative AI all so common. she was surprised and i think she understood. i like my mom, i like getting to sit and talk with her for an hour. she has a lot of emotional intelligence and a very interesting life behind her. its probably weird to speak with the little person you made so seriously. its a weird thought i guess, but if i ever made a litttle person, and they grew up and could speak to me with awareness and thought, it would be really really scary. Im not going to make a little person.
as for being a little person myself, i did laundry almost completely on my own. its been too long and i still hadnt gotten the hang of laundry yet so my dad went with me for the first 2 trips. but now i feel real ready to do it on my own from now on, which is a good feeling. i guess i feel like a big person, but im little so its just how i describe it. (To those who age regress im not using the words big and little in that sense, even though i do regress sometimes, i mean this in a different way. This authors note here for interpratory clearness.) Im also reorganizing again today. Its compulsive and i dislike it sometimes but it has to get done, and its a relief once ive done it, so im kind of in a backwards way excited. My dad stopped being a monolith of trauma a few months ago and i finally mentioned it to my mom. She was surprised and expressed the sentiment that shes been eexpressing for a year now, that i need to see a therapist, she said she needs to too, my dad needs to, and she wants all of us to eventually have group therapy. She had notsogood childhood with her parents, as did my dad, so its a raw statement of honesty, that shes pushing so hard for us three to go to therapy. I get that, but it stopped hurting, so i might feel like a dead weight in that therapy couch.
But i dont feel so torn up anymore. Im dreaming of a future which is bittersweet, but its not torn up in me anymore. I had a really, really good day today. Im going to get a snack.

7/25/2024
You know, i sort of had this uncharacteristic thought recently about anger. Theres never been a time ive healthily related to anger, and i guess i just internalized it in a way that made it so i would never realize it so easily. anger presented itself to me as this unstable and unnecessary thing. The way my father had and, in some ways, continues to behave throughout my life (though mostly in childhood, when i internalized this idea), showed me that anger was stupid, plain and simple stupid. A notable fact my mother likes to talk about is how i was such a non fussy child. she praises often how i never threw one tantrum in my toddlerhood, and how i would be surprised to see other young children my age exhibit those behaviors. So, in very young childhood, i subconciouslly took in that anger was unnecessary.
Then, just a few years after, (and this is something ive talked about already here), i was addicted to it. i thrived on anger secretly like it was a hidden pleasure. this was the time i was beginning to become exposed to my fathers abuse and is, in hindsight, likely why i behaved this way, but nobody ever knew - it was localized entirely in online environments where i would get stuck on arguments and live for the drama. I used this to cope. I never realized it, but i am now. its very interesting to me. I didnt know that was even possible. But it makes so much sense.
I coped using relentless addiction to the drama. I forced my body and mind to delight in the useless arguments i engaged with at 10, 11, 12... because, in my home life, the people who cared for me exposed me to arguments of a similar psychological effect. That so i became neutral to their fighting.
So i never had a healthy angry emotion in my life, i think. Anytime i felt it post-what i just described, i have and do just manage it very easily and sort of let other emotions take precident. I will never allow myself to be so angry that it clouds my judgement, but i recently did get suddenly angry at something important, and i got scared once i stopped feeling it, because i know ill never be my dad, but its still not something im healthy about. Yes, im good at my own emotions, but anger is still weird. Much more managable than my other feelings though...
Anyway, this ties into something else. im a system, dont know if i wrote it here, but i used that in a coping way, without realizing. I think about how i have never (not never, but i prefer to not go into detail) been able to actively harm my own body, so my subconcious tends to make me harm myself in psychological ways. Did it with anger, did it with so many things, and even this, i exploited myself. When i realized my head was all shattered, i jumped onto it because i was so scared of what it really meant. This is a serious mental illness, which holds serious repercussions and consequential symptoms that will affect me for likely the rest of my life. I couldnt handle realizing it all at once, so i jumped onto it and tried to cope using my own problems. Sort of meta?
Well, this is late news for you blog readers, i figured this one out a few months ago at my aunts house... such a cozy place to sit in the yard and think. In short, theres not as many parts in my head. And oh was it relieving to see this, and not judge myself, for having takken this long. A mistake i made; it only hurt me, me, me, and me. A painful realization of course, but one forthcoming for a while, because of my own preconceptions. who does this hurt but myself? there is no guilt there. And as its been a few months, things are different between the headmates i do know are there.
Every day is still so hard to communicate. I can talk to glyph every so often, but the others are not so easy. I will purposefully neglect to give more personal information, only glyph, since hes fine with that, but i just wanted to write that here and get it out there. Because, well, it was such a change. Now, i feel much better, since ive been mulling on it for a bit. I dont really realize when the others are fronting instead of me so much.
And it makes complete sense. I saw through what i did to deal with my situation once the situation had stopped. Things around the house are so much better than they used to be, so naturally, that lets me take a lookk at myself in an unbiased way. no real use in justifying something inherit about myself. anyway, theres that for today.

7/27/2024
Tomorrow i fly. i havent been on an airplane since i was 6 or so, which i dont remember, so its basically my first time on an airplane. And of course im excited. i mean most people who like to travel would be. I just dont go anywhere. I havent left the city or gone on any vacations. As a kid it was always my friends who were getting taken to different places. Ive been a homebody because my parents didnt really set an example i guess. They took me to disneyworld, but i dont really remember it. Thats the only time ive gone anywhere substantial.
Of course its a lot too because of having wings. missing flying when ive never really flown, its a whole thing as ive said it before. im going to get to see the sky. im bringing my camera too. im gonna get pictures. i hope its not too bad weatherwise... it should be pretty ok. considering that its such an early flight... Gonna have lots of fun. I hope i will feel a little better.


7/28/2024
Human identity. I talked about it once, In fact i go back to reread my blog posts to remember everything. i have waves of clarity, and waves of violent emotion which i escape from by tricking my own psyche, and the only way in which i can do this is to advance with my clarified self. that is to say that, when my mind is clear. i use the time i have to send messages and write for my future self, who will be tormented by confused and diffuse feelings. this is why i dont really know what is wrong with me. being majorly self aware it means... i help myself and myself helps me. not in a system way, but facets of ME, not the other mes. I went to read and saw, "but its a false... its a paradoxical type thing. i saw it so i developed it, but its a schrodingers cat. i dont know what part of my expectation is a lie that manifested from fear. But i cleaned my room this morning." I dont remember writing it, but its magical, right? Almost i wish i hadnt written it, so i could admire what it means without being an egoist.
I flew on the plane. When those roaring engines finally flared up and the heavy thing plucked itself into the sky, i dont inow what happened, but i left something there on the runway track.
And when there was turbulence i couldnt help but feel the adrenaline so harshly and taste air on my feathers. I couldnt help it, i took part in the vessel, like how a red blood cell must feel about my body, its vessel, of which it longs to walk and talk with one... It lasted maybe an hour, but felt like 20 minutes, and now im laying in the dead silent empty hotel room in a state ive never been in. My parents are away at a restaurant right now, and at this time im laying backwards on the pullout couch bed. So silent and more alone than i have managed to be in years. Its a so great thing. Also, im getting better all of the time, and blaming myself less, and remembering my mistakes so that i wont keep blaming myself. In General.
Im also structuring some system time, like family time. in the way that me and my parents healed what happened, i think i can help my systemmates relate with me, and eachother, and put things down in a more human way. Because as i did begin with, human identity is much more special and different than a pure self. Again im reminded that otherkin is existing for human kinship.

7/31/2024
Is my brain deteriorating? Something im wonderfing. Well okay.
I forgot to write about playing TMOAG, Which is this very old game from 1995 that i dont even remember where i found it. As it usually is... Well i found it somewhere, when i was doing websleuthing i guess, and i really wanted it on my pc. It lead to me getting distracted and taught myself a little about cd roms. but then i remembered it just a few days ago and tried to take a stab at it again. found a way easier downloading method. as much as i would love to emulate a whole other pc and then plug the game into there, i have been in mental fatigue lately so i just got the installation wizard going because the game was compatible with my current system.
Anyway, it was just the kind of weirdness i needed. It was just a walk through the museum and reminded me of the surreal sense i had about games on the computer as a little kid. I guess growing up as a toddler in 2011, 2012, 2013... had me missing out just on the cutting edge, but right on the sap of internet games if that makes sense. So i played many flash games, but not as many downloadables. My dearest ones were World of Jumpstart (thats the multiplayer one), Garden Party, Pixie Hollow, Club Penguin, and a variety of others. Just last week i played Doras Star Mountain Minigolf which was a game i remember really liking. then i found it was so much shorter. When before i had things bogging my brain down, i could imagine anything to be as abundant as i wanted it to be. And hey speaking of this, i think im going to look into some kind of Jumpstart ISO or something or other. if i could play that game again, i think it would be incredibly powerful. i can even feel it in my blood now. The game ended services on July 1, 2023. ... ... ... Ow
for the main point though. my first ever video game was actually PvZ. my favorite part of these games was that i could imagine so much, much more than the game actually gave to me, a strange thing ive seen recurring in many children who play these games, which give them environments to just sit there and create, as if the game was nothing more than a prompt. It is just magnificent. I used to record myself incessantly whenever i did anything, and imagine it was a youtube video which i was going to upload. at this time (i was 6 or 7) i did have a youtube channel. in fact it is the same channel as i do have now, except of course all the videos were long deleted. i didnt always upload these videos and i know this, because i in fact have all of the videos i made, which are nearly 100 in number i assume.
And so this is the relevance; TMOAG dug into that. It was so simple; click and turn around, interact, and random things can appear on your screen too. it spun my head back to that state of game prompts, inspiring the real thought. perpetual thought originates from outside influence, especially with delicate care. Art -> Art -> Art, you know?
any hoo, the plane back home was maybe more incredible tjan the plane there. the rumble, i felt it! i gripped the wall of the plane to feel what it would feel like. im also quite proud of the pictures i got, which you can actually find on my twitter right now. the pictures are too high in size to be able to put them here, i dont want to slow this hastily coded site down more than it already has been by my art section. Also, there is a Mountain Goats concert im going to tomorrow. this makes 3 in the past what, 7 days. i think? very close in proxemity. my brain being fried doesnt help. but this next concert tomorrow is exciting. first of all, the Mountain Goats have done a concert there before, which i went to. the area is so so nice down there. so breezy. its great, but ive never gone to an event of this magnitude on my own. usually my mom just takes me to concerts. but im going. im deeply excited and scared. i really like their music but because i cant remember things so easy i feel like a fake fan. Actually, that is one of my greatest overarching nagging fears and it exists in all my musical interests. I always end up feeling less like a mosaic of everyone i love, and more like a strand of metallic fiber, or a bunch of seperate mirror parts that somoene taped into one thing. I dont feel self assured in how i like music. I always feel judged. Does not help how i dont know how to enjoy Julians music after what i found out about earlier this month. It was a blow, especially since i was just getting better at being sure in my own interest in music.
I feel fake standing next to other people who can just enjoy music and not feel guilt. Why do i feel guilty about that? I cant remember all the albums or know everything about the musicians i like, so i feel like im lying. I wish one day i can indulge in the nonworded abstract feel of when music speaks to me without needing to understand the conceptual and true things that i could memorise, if i had a better memory. i am embarrassed.

8/5/2024
That typo i made at the beginning of 7/31/2024 hurts me. Part of the fact of my blogwriting is learning to not go back on my words, and i know ive made typos before. However i have this problem where words stay in my head, they just keep repeatinginging, repeating... ing... ing... in a way that is at least bugging me and at most causing anxiety attacks. This can last for a few minutes to days, but usually just a a whole day, or an afternoon. The other day it was "inexplicably". And the beginning of 7/31/2024 is one that is only elicited by reading it. Wonderfing is not even a word, i of course meant wondering, but its as if i am hurting myself by indulging in this blog now, because of that stupid typo which wont stop! So now im writing new things, so i wont need to imagine the last one again and again anymore.
For the first topic i want to put in this one, im thinking about the point in time in which i write my posts. the way my words come out depends. it will never be the same on a blog by blog basis, aside from intricacies that are inherit in the way i write and formatt. that is a given. A big part of life and existing is the knowledge that everything is depending on everything else, everything is depending on context... i cant find the phrase im thinking of but im sure you understand. Everything depends, like that one tumblr post where the person said "like man i think it depends". That person was really right you know. So its like, if i write while im feeling something theres a raw uncaring ness. If youve read enough of these blogs youll understand i dont creally care about grammar. Glyph cares a lot about grammar and so he likes to write like a real booksman! I dont. i do it like i do my other art. wrong. i do it wrong because it makes sense to me, and conveys feelings more than putting an apostrophe in Dont does. i dont get gratification from that, and it could be egotistical to desire gratification, but not from making art it isnt, its just a part of it. Packing many ideas into this one, if you cant already tell.
but really, when i write during, its raw, and i care less, at least it tends to be that way. after all man, it depends at least a little. but when i end up waiting for some reason or another it washes over like a top coat on painted nails. if i write about it long after, it starts to lose something, i dont know what. At least if i only wait a little, theres still something there for me to get out, but if i wait years, its only going to deteriorate. My memory doesnt work like how it should.
So this sort of got me thinking, i guess, about writing in itself, which is part of how i record. I actually made a video recently talking about that, but i dont feel right calling it a video. Its like i guess a podcast or something but not really, its just me talking and i dont put myself to a standard. The video might be deleted when you read this, because i do that a lot. If not youll understand that this topic is still here, so im putting it in this blog post. Maybe im being too self acknlowleged. Dont care that much, if i get concerned with that then ill never let anything important out into the world. Just the right amount of being concerned with how i am percieved and what makes me happy, is a balance that keeps me from being unhappy or unhealthy. also, when i write while listening to music with lyrics, it lets things come out truthfully. Easier. im doing it right now. When i listent o music with lyrcis, my brain forces me to focus ont he lyrics, which some would see as a detriment. its a detriment to doing logical tasks, but not when im writing or drawing. Because it lets me pay attention to something else, so that my concious is preoccupied, so that whatever comes out onto my paper or my keyboard or such and such is SUBCONCIOUS, and truthfull. its realer than real because it does not exist. i hope you understand me.

8/9/2024
Neocities deleted my entire log for today after i had just finished writing it, harumph. Suppose its me, my issue, my problem, for merely closing my phone for a moment. today i write on my phone, despite the poor format and difficulties, because of my circumstance. thats the way today is going. and besides, i guess i dont mind rewriting things of importance. Im trying harder to get back to philosophical ideas because they are my lifes force, but its been weird. Things go too fast and i DESPERATELY crave some introspection, some few hours. Im big on thinking. Im a lover of thinking and wondering, a real lover of it. a good afternoon can consist of my doing nothing whatsoever but considering. i guess i act like a grandfather. bones hurt, big thinking, and a lot of button downs.
This isnt just kiwi, its also somebody else, because i needed to be here too. Both of us are struggling, just know this, we both consider experiences as they come, together. its a wonderful day, today we are going upstate to see my grandmother. She lives in this house that my grandfather built. he passed away so now she lives all alone up there, in the middle of the woods, and its this wonderful pocket of magic the way i need it to be. Things are too quickly, i need this introspection! On the train up we got confused and missed our stop. It befuddled my dad but i took it different.
See, the weather. The air is thick. The air is salty and cakey, the clouds are dipped grey, the rapid river is almost the same color as they are. Its drizzling and my hair is drying now under the cover of the overhang as i am sitting on the station floor. You see what i mean? Do you see? I rarely have this silent consideration lately., ive never had it at this station or any number of stattions on this train line. I always stare longingly at the weird pockets and lots, their muddy and caked composures, years of dilution. hear the crickets. i need to hear fizzling of crickets. See, this is magical. I walked briefly and i found these musrooms... Im really enjoying this, the sounds of the birds and bugs with their fizzle, the wind. I guess i never consdered.
I LOVE grey days. Grey is the best way a day can be.
and when we get up to that house and i can sit by the lake, stare at a continuous pattern and realize things smaller than myself, ill be able to understand the things bigger. Oh, boy, im really in for it now.

8/11/2024
Up here in the mountain it warms your forehead and pours honey into your nose. Everything is sickness while you are surrounded in thick woods. its all wet up here, the fire would hardly start, and i had hotdogs again. i need to become an observer. could i be a cable tower if it would fix this? i want to become an observer, so i may know the difference between my needs and wants. As for earthly beloveds, some new objects have entered my hands from a yard sale we stopped by on the trip to the house, and before that we were with the farmers and just then i was thinking about myself. I cant look back on what i wrote, you know that, i cant reread anything to lose what it means, i need to get that meaning back again. i have so so so much i am passionate about, and i only feel fake, these things which make me feel alive, i feel i must be a liar for them.
Do you understand what it is like to desire, to daydream, to be allured, to have your lip caught on the hook, and when youve been given the reigns to careen off the slick sides of the ship, you can only cling onto the boot of the fisherman? I love so much, i want to know what my love means so terribly, for these fascinating things. Analog and digital. Ceramic. Archive. What do i mean? What do these words mean? Is it worth it to say that this is so important, when i will never have it stick, when ill only forget?
Im going to forget and itll send me down there. Go ahead and listen, see if it does you any good now: Tonight there are meteors, which were torn from their comet mother. That happens every year this time. Tonight theyre coming down to burn away and leave their embers to make wishes on. I am wearing my nicest button down maroon.
You cant see them in the lake, because they arent bright enough, but you can still see your reflection. What it means to be important to those stars - diplomatic peoples, they are - is to wear your nicest button down maroon. But you can still see your reflection. There it is. I want to be bright enough.

10/23/24 6:21PM rush hour

10/24/24 8:31AM sniffle nose from allergy. i got to school on time for once. but so sleepy

10/25/24 2:45AM i am very enlightened by the new layout. i am very very pleased... and tired

10/25/24 9:31AM it is a bit of a drag, to the builder, when your website which you are proud of having built is mostly pride in the way of functionality: so much of it is it resonating with you, in a "home" type of way, and you are, too, proud of having built it just simple enough to be /right/ for what you need it for, but visually it does not impress, it is not striking, to many people, when you try to show it off. this is because the website does not exist in order to be liked. i could learn from it

10/25/24 12:44PM today in chemistry we mixed chemicals and i had a lot of fun

10/25/24 11:15PM sort of starting to consider i have a sleep problem, or it could be the culmination of all too many events arranging perfectly in order to deprive me. i have certainly accumulated some sleep debt. even when i am so exahausted, as i am right now, i know i will experience no pleasure when i fall asleep because of the extremity of it all... it is unusual

10/26/24 12:02AM up and thinking about the fact that music once only existed when a person did and now it can exist whenever

10/26/24 12:07PM my hair has been cut, it is so freeing and nice... i missed short hair. i really let it go

10/26/24 7:46PM avoiding all the awful things i endured today... it was very well worked. and i have yet more to do

10/26/24 9:01PM i wonder. does anybody else experience that feeling of energetic creative life post-short film binge when you can imagine yourself animated in a much more satisfying and accurate way? our minds (or at least mine, if this is not regular) are truly fed off of the creativity of others

10/27/24 6:26PM lots was done, hoping to love so much. i struggle with communicating and trudge on. and i am feeling comfortable with my existing for now. hoping to love so very much.

10/27/24 9:02PM last night i fell asleep thinking about just how proud i am

10/28/24 10:00AM as if an answer to my 10/25/24 11:15PM entry on sleep debt, last night i woke up at 2:30AM for some strange reason, suddenly feeling nourished as i had been sleeping for hours. i did not realize why i woke up. maybe i was cold. but then, i felt like i had missed my rest. why do i have to be unconcious when i am recharging? i would like to be fully aware, to feel myself coming back.

10/28/24 7:25PM i am going to pseudomeditate myself by recording myself more often to break down my brain walls in order to bring myself into myself.

10/29/24 7:47AM staying home today because of my poor poor sinuses

10/29/24 7:49AM by the way, every single message on here is a different person, internally, it is difference. i am not 23rd of october, 24th of october, 25th, 27th, or even yesterday.

10/29/24 10:43AM i started in, typing the first half of the captcha before i got confused and thought about getting verified as a human person a second time just to be sure

10/29/24 11:57AM im thinking about the fact that there are so many things outdoors that you could find just about anything

10/29/24 1:59PM my mom used to sing to help me fall asleep at night when i was very young and she would sing close to you (the carpenters) to me. "on the day that you were born the angels got together/and decided to create a dream come true"... well, with new context, im thinking now that the angels must have been a little bit egotistical to have created an angel all over again. i jest i jest. will i ever discuss being one here? i do not know

10/29/24 3:14PM i think the single thing which truly destroys me is being misunderstood or misinterpreted -- not just on purpose, but even on accident -- it makes me feel so awful and sad and i feel like crying when it happens because people hit a brick wall once they dont understand me.

10/29/24 9:39PM there he goes again, staring at the surface of the pot and thinking about how the burnt in shimmers resemble fractal patterns, and at the same time thinking about the fact that none of his thoughts exist until he decides to make them exist. oh, no, theyre always happening, they just dont exist yet, not until he says they do

10/30/24 7:46AM I WOKE UP LIKE A BEE ON POP ROCKS. SCARED AND SMELLING LIKE SUGAR.

10/30/24 10:50AM in some nearby adjacent universe im probably a hedonist. stop explaining what you mean, by the way

10/31/24 12:07PM ive been a little busy doing absolutely nothing, happy halloween

10/31/24 12:15PM friends, you must go ahead and tell me to stop explaining myself.

11/1/24 5:55PM i feel at awful odds with myself. i am so afraid and i would like to be reassured somehow

11/1/24 5:57PM do not exactly ask me to explain anything, i think the rug has just come loose from my feet

11/2/24 6:37PM as most solutions to emotional problems come, i forgot the trouble, and continue my organizing. ive got yt-dlp working. its magical

11/3/24 7:27PM its okay, sometimes you dont need to erase everything

11/3/24 7:35PM but sometimes, you need to curate. listen theres nothing wrong with making yourself known. a lot of people are doing that. but if i continue to make myself known, it isnt fair to who i end up becoming the next day or even the next hour. i need to confront that i am never the same individual, but i also need to give myself some wiggle room to be a different person. thats usually why writing diary entries becomes disturbing after a week or more. also, i have a stomach ache

9AM~3142025 I changed my site layout drastically. Which is really horrifying. Im trying to figure out who this version is.

947AM~3142025 Im really trying to figure it out.

1125AM~3142025 I forgot how to be indifferent again. Im gonna forget everything. Yesterday i was really scared about getting alzheimers because i think itll happen to me. Like nearly certainly. Im already so loosebrained theres no way i wont be decaying in my senior years. Im excited to be old but that stumps it. My grandma on my moms side has it. My grandma on my dads side doesnt and she remembers a lot. So i could go either way. I hope im that way. In the shower last night i got soap in my mouth it dripped down to my mouth. For a second it tasted sweet and nice so i licked it more but immediately it was nasty and i cupped water in my hands to spit. But even after the bitter taste was gone the feeling of holding water in my wrinkly hands and swishing it was nice. Like i was in the woods and scrounging for any drinking water i could find. I dont know i dont know what im doing everything scares me. HEY, HERES THIS, as spring comes back expect wing talk. In the shower last night i realized i havent brought it up in a while. I suddenly got very excited about it in conjunction with the weather changing. I dont know if thats just a coincidence or if it means something but i avoid any sort of logic when it comes to wings so yes... ill say its spring that does this. Theyre heavy like ive got new feathers coming in or something. Ill remember. I felt comfort when i read my log from the other day telling me GOOD LUCK, YOU 1134AM

101PM~3142025 "What do you think, glasses or no glasses?" "Hmm. Glasses" "I think youre biased." "True but then again if you asked someone who didnt wear glasses theyd also be biased." "Ill just ask someone whos blind." 102PM

226PM~3142025 If i say something that doesnt make sense then consider it typical. Theres a few reasons this happens. One is that because ive learnt to trust things that will make sense to a later version of myself i dont question it. They dont make sense to me either sometimes. Other times by the time ive decided its worth it to put the idea outside it no longer makes sense. Thats normal. Of course it can just be discrepancies, but sometimes it isnt. 229PM

506PM~3142025 My dad made me carrot ginger cake for lunch but i forgot to eat it. Remembered it on the way home. When i got to my building i leaned against the wall and stood there eating it outside. Warm breezes are finally coming back. Finally. When its cold wings stay in and huddled even with the breeze because its more of a chill. Not that they are real enough to conserve heat or anything. But when theres a warm breeze... i held them open in the face of it. And stood there. Ate my carrot ginger cake. Im figuring it out again. 509PM

1128PM~3142025 Alright ive been so uptight, like. Ive been so self aware, ever since i was alive. I was like im alive now. And now im a person. I saw other people living and making choices and every single choice i saw was stupid. So i compartmentalized it: ill be aware of myself all the time. OR I CAN JUST BE FREE and NOT do that, JESUS CHRIST, what an UPTIGHT and PAINFUL way to live. Ill be aware of myself but not monumentally in the way that means im gonna die every 2 seconds because 2 seconds ago i existed differently. IM ALWAYS GOING TO EXIST DIFFERENTLY. FUCK. Its always going to happen. You cant stop that. It wont work. So im pretty much insanely self aware and looped back to the point where it doesnt matter because im not at all aware of anything. Because right now its 11:30 at night but hey who even knows, even though im sleep deprived and feeling emotions as a result of my mind poking at my psyche like its a bear with zero enrichment ill still LET GO of BEING AWARE of myself and PUNCH the bear the way ive always supposed to. Then tomorrow ill wake up and think "wow, he is fucking insane, and just reread 17776." 1131PM

1145PM~3142025 That is so weird. That is so very weird, right 1146PM

1135AM~3152025 I dont like how much i really look for other people. I look for people everywhere, i look for them in the bricks, i look for them in the dirt. I look for them anywhere where people arent. And its nice. But i cant help myself from sharing things or looking to the world, though it is concretely bleak i still have sensitivity left. I guess i mean i do not like my "sensitivity". That i need other people. Which isnt a burden in and of itself but still awful when the world does not align. It wont always align. Im very scared. Ive been scared for all of March. I dont know. I dont really know anything. I mean i know things i just dont, know how to express them, which in a way, makes them not real at all. I guess what i have in my heart and head is important but not real when i cant express it. All for me again. I wish i did not need other people. I wish i were more alone sometimes. I have been scared for all of March. 1138AM

1241PM~3152025 And lately its felt like all my limbs are full of syrup and as the adrenaline gets worse they get more syrup-y. I have too much scared-syrup in my body. I also keep feeling like i will throw up. I wont. But it feels like it. My arm is gonna pop off and syrup is going to pour everywhere 1242PM

248PM~3152025 "I swear, theres the ME, and then theres the glass box behind me with the guy inside whos been COMMENTING my entire life. And as i get older the box has been getting farther and farther away from me." 249PM

302PM~3152025 And it is weird. I have never been so not-suicidal in my entire life. Maybe when i was a toddler. Its not that im happy about it. 303PM

229AM~3162025 My thing i wrote was suddenly gone. I guess ill get to the point, since i cant really feel embarrassed anymore: you have to do it. 230AM

615PM~3162025 Today is a Sunday. I am still very scared about everything but this time im very scared with a .COM domain. HOW EXCITING... i tried very hard to make an auto update thing work so that everything on .COM will mirror to .NEOCITIES.ORG immediately but i failed. I spent all afternoon trying it but nothing really seems to be working. That isnt ideal but its fine. Ill copy paste any changes i make when i make them. Anyway i have chores, and the SAT is coming up, and my wings. 617PM

1108AM~3172025 While i stand firm with my "who knows" belief about the afterlife this doesnt mean i dont have hopes or desires for what could be there. It isnt really concrete. I dont think of the idea of a heaven. I think of the idea of INFORMATION. I hope there would be a way to replay everything. Find all the billion coincidences that i am never aware of. Im sure ive stood at particular coordinates where interesting things have happened before. Im feeling very "strange" "strangely normal". And im always thinking about this. And its so weird. Its so weird how much we think we are communicating though we really arent, its statistically impossible. But we get very close. All the time getting close. I hope for INFORMATION i get to replay everything. I just get to watch. My television watchingwatchwatch watching. Funnn, id hope for it to be that way. But again "who knows" really and if i never got to learn these things that would be fine. Anything could be fine. With enough time, nothing will worry anybody anymore. 1113AM

115PM~3172025 Nobody can really stop me from messing up: I havent been wearing my retainer and one of my teeth has shifted backward. I havent been able to brush my teeth before bed, just in the morning. Im either ravenously hungry or wont eat at all, or eating out of compulsion. I am violently non-suicidal. I am violently afraid in a new way, today, im figuring out what i am again. Again im someone different. I cant bear to get anything done, and i just nearly failed, and somehow, nobody is mad at me for this. I think im going to reinvent my abuse ten million times. Thats whats probably going to happen. I have missing assignments. Aplenty. Im never comfortable with my website. Never. Im comfortable with information. Nobody can really stop me from messing up. I am not ready. My wings. 121PM

647PM~3172025 I smell like bleach. I cleaned the bathroom. Dirty dirty dirtydirt. Lifting up the mat and cleaning the tub is a visceral behavior to me which makes me feel like i am gutting an animal and then putting it back together. I have to use considerable strength to hold up the rubber while the shower beats down. The water made some really interesting shadows and i tried to get them on camera but failed. Ill put them here later if i like them maybe or even more so if i dislike them. Cleaning the tub makes me feel visceral. I noticed that. It forces me to get my hair wet. My hair is wet now. Even though my legs were weak today and hurt today and my head hurt, i think im gonna be big. And i left the window open so the bathroom can air out. It smells like bleach. I smell like bleach. I smell like a bathtub.
"Where do you find this stuff?!"
"It just came into... my life"
"Whatd you say?"
"It just came into my life." 650PM

1114AM~3182025 I have the SAT tomorrow. The Scholastic Aptitude Test. Ive successfully convinced myself that it wont be a problem. Numbers Numbers Numbers numbers numbers numbers numbersnumbersnumbersnumbnumbnumbersersers. Now it isnt a word anymore. You see what i just did? 1116AM

813AM~3192025 Grapes. I dont think ill be able to eat anything. Im not scared about the test. Something doesnt sit right with me at all. Im being warned again by March. I feel nauseous. Im up in the room now. We are picking senior courses today. I looked at the salami cheese snacks i brought and gagged. Theyre delicious. I dont know whats wrong. I am being warned by the month of March. 845AM

813AM~3202025 Same time as yesterday. We are aligned, i guess, or something, today the universe listened to me. Its drizzling. ONE MOMENT -- 815AM. Had to help a friend with a tech problem. Theyre paving the road again. New and dark and sticks out like a big welting scab. The music was so powerful i could not breathe at all, it was drizzling and i had to open my mouth and suck in the air. I was very aware of my tongue this morning, more than i usually am in the mornings. My jaw is usually like glue. And hey, i did not sleep in. I think i am going to die. Heavier. "Miph and Morret" would be a good name for a tv show about two exotic animals who sit around all day throwing meat paste at birds and trying to kill eachother. With computer mice and sheet music. 819AM

1058AM~3202025 I bit and peeled my lip so hard it bled. Now its just sore. I think all my blood is going to come out in one big burst from my back. WHY? "AUTOTHERAPY". If i say enough words, eventually, all ill have to do is quote myself whenever i want to say something. MARCH, why would you do this? 1101AM

816PM~3202025 Ohgod. 816PM

716AM~3212025 Writing this in my notes app and transferring it later. Well Spring is here, and i havent exactly, made a good first impression. I think it was angry at me for not saying Happy Spring to everyone i met because last night it tricked me (lured me in) with real rain. I opened the window to smell it and was instantly hit with pollen. Im congested for the first time in months. Thats wild. Needless to say Spring has tricked me. I have a sore in the back of my throat because of it. Now im swallowing every 5-15 seconds to keep it wet. I dont know if that actually does anything, i just know if i dont swallow, i cant feel it there, and thats not very reassuring. Yesterday a lot of cards dropped. First my friends school ID. Theyd dropped it and didnt notice it. On the way out of school i picked another one up off the sidewalk and thats when i ran into my friend again and gave them their ID but now i had a strangers ID so i walked back to the school to put it in the hands of staff but on the way i dropped MY ID. So i picked it up and dropped the other one off and got the hell OUT of there, before anything crazier happened. Couldnt really handle that. Anyway the clouds are doing something crazy this morning. Tried to capture it, kind of failed, but tried. I still dont feel too god. I misspelled good as god. Ouch. I feel like i have perpetual vertigo. Two bats with acrylic tipped claws stomping in the desert and waking up the weevils. Napping on the train now. 722AM

724AM~3212025 Remembered this. The phone number for AAA batteries support is 1-800-AAA-HELP. AAA, HELP! AAA, HELP! And my student metrocard isnt working anymore. 725AM

1034AM~3212025 Need to remember: its a common experience to forget yourself. Still yet nobody knows what a self is. I see really no use in looking for it. Impulsively i might go looking. Its only natural. Its an even more common experience, when you are autistic, to try very hard in childhood to formulate a version of yourself more palatable. And especially when formed so young, its hard to shake. I know there is a real me. Its hard to be honest with it. It feels shameful when it shouldnt feel shameful. Most people prefer you smile. That was what i had to learn. Need to remember: you can do whatever you want to do forever. 1036AM

553PM~3212025 Thinking about forgiveness again. I am likely not succumbing to allergies. I am sick. I dont get sick often but when i do it really really sucks. My throat is still a little rusty and my nose is both stuffy and dripping like a faucet. When i lean down it drips instantly. Im sitting in the bathroom with the shower running hot so i can steam it up. It isnt really helping. My clothes are sticking to me. I am sick. It keeps repeating in my head. 555PM SPREADTHELOVE

915AM~Sat~3222025 I realize it might be a good idea to include the day of the week in my dates. Anyway i am still sick but after sleeping and letting my body destroy the world i feel slightly less sick. My head doesnt hurt now but i know it will later. Every movement frustrates me and makes me overwhelmed. Even blinking. When my parents talk to me i get even more overwhelmed because of being sick. The skin around my left nostril is painful and rough. I want to draw a lot but i feel so overwhelmed by all my senses from being sick. Its more likely that another student gave me a cold but its possible that it was so easy to infect me because of how ive been doing. I know mental and physical illness tend to mix all up. I want to eat lime chips so bad but if i do ill tear my throat open. I had a disturbing sick-dream that i dont want to talk about in detail. Something about the city and girls. Hiding. Criminals. And i colored a misshapen rock into the image of a moon about to be eclipsed. 920AM

740PM~Sat~3222025 Doing ok in a mean way. (Awful, horrified, but not enough for those words.) Chickpeas are chicks that go peap peap. I fell asleep instead of cleaning the stuff off of my bed like i was supposed to. I havent been able to fully lie on my bed in months. I want to go back to my grandmothers place. I have no grip strength. My body is very good at getting rid of this sickness. Chickpeap. 742PM

1242PM~Sun~3232025 I had a good weird powerful dream. Its hard to explain where i was but it was sort of this amalgamation of my neighborhood with lots of half dead east coast forest plants and grass and things like that. Plants if they were industrial and there was construction surrounding a giant smokestack. There was also another tall structure maybe a statue. First it was just me but then there were a lot more people and we were all around the area and i felt so so full of energy because there were so many people all together. One of them was my friend. I ran inside my apartment to get my camera and the place was all dead silent. When i went into my room it was dark and i think it was my old childhood room. I took the camera, fully charged, ran outside, and started to get pictures. Something i like to happen when im dreaming is when i wake up just a little bit, so i realize im awake, so when i go back to sleep i can focus more intently on the part of the dream i want. Thats what happened here. I got a good picture of my friend and then it was over. Im not sick anymore. My throat still smells sick but im not sick anymore. 1246PM

813AM~Mon~3242025 Its 8:13 again. Someones singing happy birthday outside class in the hall. Wow! Today its rainy again. Absolute bliss, permissive bliss. THIS BOX IS NOW. I started hyperventilating on the walk to school. Last night when i was doing the dishes i banged a bowl a little bit because it was wet and slipped in my hand and it made a loud noise and all i could think about afterward was smashing it against the counter. I wasnt angry but all i could think about was smashing it against the counter so i could make the noise again. It was not good. SILICA GEL: DO NOT EAT. In everything i am so clean! Better yet when it rains when youre so clean, better yet when its so cold. Burn in the shower, freeze outside. To eliminate bacteria. Clean clean. Made it to school on time. Theres something festering in my belly but everything around me is good. I am hungry. 818AM



Young Pilgrims by The Shins

141PM~Mon~3242025 Im tired and i want to go home. But happy. 145PM

806AM~Tue~3252025 Chills. Perfect. Musical chills. A GOOD DAY -- TWO DAYS. I brought pasta lunch for the first time today. GOOD LUCK, YOU 807AM

235PM~Wed~3262025 This morning i woke up before my alarm in excruciating stomach pain. The same type of stomach pain i had the day i fainted. Yesterday i found my old keyboard sitting out in the living room when i thought we had thrown it out when i stopped using it. It was covered in dust and i said no okay, lets get you back home. Messed around on it for a while and just kind of had fun. So i didnt go to school today because of that stomach pain and its both a blessing and a curse. Lots of things to do that kind of bump into each other but its alrighty. Feel: Fine. But bad. Weird is all of it. 238PM

531PM~Wed~3262025 Music is absolutely terrifying. I am so excited for SUMMER to come lift me up and toss me around like a loose duck. I am so excited to go places. I am so scared of music. 532PM

919PM~Wed~3262025 AH, here comes the great relief of having done things supposed to be done at the time they were meant to be done. AH, i have a very potent feeling now. I have a very potent feeling. I love my website. I love you, collections of information, you will serve me very well. I love my repository. I love, love, my repository. I am feeling very c;-). Here it comes. Youll make it, YOU. 921PM

426PM~Thu~3272025 I havent spoken loudly in a while. Heres what ive exactly done, approximately: got scared. Scary. Made art. MUSIC. Scared. Felt happy. Regretted it. Ruminate. Ruminated. Ruminated. Had 10 billion things to do, did them all. Still scared. I am sitting in a pizzeria and its freezing. My hands are freezing. I thought spring came for me? Spring, why? I looked to my left a minute ago and there was a man taking bottles from the garbage to sell. There is a group of teenage boys in the table ahead of me rudely discussing women. I ate two pizza slices. Im waiting here. I have a play to go see in 30 minutes. Good, goodwill, goodwill, good. I need a belt. I cannot be heard, but ill try to speak again. I have a feeling i am going to hurt myself beyond purpose. Time to go. 432PM

823AM/FRI/3282025 Body feelings: Warm in stomach, can feel it empty in a way. Bones very heavy. Moving in slow motion. My throat feels very open, like im gulping too much air down. Breathing manually the entire morning. Smells: One of the train stations that my train stops at seems to smell entirely like fresh magazine paper. The outside of the school was swathed in foul smelling smoke from its vent. I thought i was going to be late to school this morning, but i made it perfectly on time. ~830AM

203PM/FRI/3282025 New ipad update lets me code on Safari properly without getting a huge headache and ripping the fibers out of my socks. Its awesome. I went out for lunch today and it was fine. It was great. Bought a slice of pizza and took it back to the lunchroom and ate it there. Thought: couldnt i just walk away from school and keep walking? In history class they opened up a form that let students ask any question they wanted. Mine was focused on for a good 5 minutes. Ample time. I kept it to myself. I chewed the eraser on my pencil today but gently, so that it looks like it was eroded very carefully by a river. It does look like a rock. Drew on my hand. I think i feel good, but my mind does not like that i feel good. I feel weird. Weird. Its all very weird. It is so... 207PM

210PM/FRI/3282025 Two things i forgot to mention. 1. I respond to authority with "no?" and angry looks. I was very angry at tacky authority when i was 10, maybe even earlier. It never went away. 2. The rubber on one of my earbuds fell off in the stairwell. I felt it slide off in my hand but couldnt find it in the mass of feet. I have extra at home. 211PM

1210AM/SAT/3292025 On the subway home this afternoon, a ladybug landed on me. Flew straight in through the train doors just as they were closing, and parked itself on my shirt. I let it crawl my hand for a while. It stayed with me for about 2 minutes before fuzzing off. A ladybug landed on me. Distraught. 1212AM

835AM/SAT/3292025 I had a dream about being suspected for murder under intoxication, sitting in a train station, ignoring everybody, and a really good movie about time. I woke up and immediately had a charlie horse in my leg. Today me and my family are watching a movie in the morning. After that we are going down to my aunts and staying there for the weekend. I am would-be excited. Otherwise i am too distressed and distracted, and i feel like a piece of shit. Except to me it is so firm, so real... i dont know what to believe at all. At one point in the dream, while we were sitting in a classroom watching the movie, i turned around and saw a pink sticky note on the wall, and all it said was No, Nobody. Distraught. Distraught. 839AM

358PM/SAT/3292025 First warm day. First truly warm day. The air finally smells again. I am sitting in my aunts backyard, and i was just listening, just catching the wind. Low self esteem, high hopes. 359PM

1044PM/SAT/3292025 It got cold again. Feel like throwing up. 1046PM

944AM/SUN/3302025 Today is cold again and its supposed to rain. I would like it better if it rained when it was warm. I couldve probably sat in the rain like an edgy teenager in a music video with a closeup of the water dripping off my nose and the background is extra blurred with circles of light everywhere and stuff. Anyway, my wings are exceptionally heavy today. If people who identify further with their phantom sensations can call their phantom limbs by their real names, i ought to stop calling them my back, and start calling them my wings. So theyre heavy. 948AM

906PM/SUN/3302025 Written in my notes in the car home. The lights across the black gulf looked like they were twinkling, if only hidden and then revealed and hidden and revealed again by the sputtering branches that seperate us. The question no one ought to answer: "What do you think of yourself?" The reason being, no one ought to know. Its a good thing. No one ought to know themself. You better know what you want, but you better not go any further than that. Who knows? Here i am with every iteration. I dont really know if im being literal or metaphorical, if ever, but i wont finish my sentences, you know? May as well. Get there. May as well. I dont know if i really mean it, but it felt like my wings sloughed off. I felt it. I dont know anything, and nobody else ought to know anything, either. Metaphorically. No, literally. I cant decide. How about you? 909PM

1235AM/MON/3312025 Body feelings: heavy. Still nauseated. As i lay on my bed my mind continues to believe i am still laying in the same position on my aunts couch. I glued myself to that couch, i guess. When i close my eyes, ill pretend im there. Body feelings: gross. My tongue is big. 1237AM

1115AM/MON/3312025 Woke up nauseous. Mouth feels gross. I had a very long dream because i kept forcing myself back asleep. I originally woke up at 8:30 but decided it wasnt worth it. The dream started making less and less sense as i kept forcing it. But the main point, the main plot, the important part: i spoke to my old childhood friend in her old childhood room with a few other kids who i didnt know. Feelings: sad, confused, tense, distraught. Body feelings: all my limbs are going to pop off, and i am going to throw up all my organs. 1117AM

841AM/TUE/412025 April Fool! Nauseous. IDK. 16 years and 200 days, on the April Fool. 844AM

1054AM/WED/422025 On the way home from school yesterday i saw a pink glove and the crust of a watermelon slice laying apart on either side of the sidewalk, glove left, melon right. On the way to school this morning i saw them again but this time, the glove was on the right side of me and the watermelon was on the left side of me. I still feel awful -- i dont really know what im supposed to do about it. It sounds endlessly teenage to claim you are incapable of doing anything, but thats sure as hell how it feels. I am failing very very excellently. I dont seem to know what most people do. Now, im questioning conversation again. If only i were a space probe. Then it might be easier. 1059AM

1018AM/THU/432025 I am finally ready to speak big and speak much, even though things are still things in the way they are. Just so confusing. Up is very down, right couldnt be any more left. Heres an idea: there are a lot of ideas and truths about the world that are phrased as BAD things which makes them even harder to accept. The idea that nobody will care about you more than they care about themself is a harder truth that is a hidden gift. Who would spend the time? The idea that a conversation is a TRICK is a gift. The idea that the world is one big transactional TRICK, oh its good. Its good, and it cant be explained as good. Im running around and my hat fell off and im hurrying hurrywise from whack a mole to whack a mole. And when one principle stays down the rest pop up like "HELLO, fuck YOU, did you forget about me? Im sure i was forgotten about? No, here i am again. Im going to fuck you over." Thats basically what happens. It sucks, words have terrible sad associations. Average Joe reading this thinks its a pessimistic drone. This is the most me i am and not pessimism or negativity, only what i see and what i believe and what i figure. What i figure: its true, but packaged in little razors and needles. Just handle it and cut it open like you would a coconut. Then drink. In addition: i learnt that when i was born, i didnt cry. I just looked around, curious as if i knew. "Whats all this?" 1024AM

157PM/THU/432025 Its almost like the weather cant decide if it wants it to be rainy today. Instead of getting greasy my hair has been getting exceptionally soft like a greasy pigeon. Pretty headfeathers. Pretty pretty. Ugh. A dream. I had a dream. 159PM

1245PM/FRI/442025 HOT and HUMID outside. For once enjoying feeling sweat. I have never enjoyed it before. My face keeps feeling warm and heated from my shirt, but i am enjoying it, like i am being gently cooked and tossed by the sun and WARMTH. HOT outside. Its real hot. The ground is wet. 1247PM

1049PM/SAT/452025 Yes. How important is it? 1050PM



Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles

444PM/SUN/462025 Im just doing what i can. Im just doing the most that i can. Im doing it. All of it. How important is it? My head hurts. 445PM

846AM/MON/472025 Rainy biting windy cold today. Made it on time. Reading The Taking of Pelham One Two Three at last. Nothing is embarrassing after you read a book. Nothing. My head hurts so much. 847AM

933AM/WED/492025 I am sick still. Everyone at school is sick too. Its still biting windy. I am very emotionally ungood at the moment its all very distracting and im putting myself into a project that is actually already happening, i am very excited, but i have so many words theyre all around and, i just kind of want to talk. But i hate hearing it now. I hate it. IM SOUR. SOUR! Good luck, dont catch a chill. 935AM

820PM/WED/492025 Tenements Of It: Everything Is Animals, Forever. You Can Do Anything You Want To Do, Forever. Everything Works, Forever. I Love You, Forever. Thank You, Forever. You Can Do Things You Want Forever. Everything Is Worth It, Forever. Have Fun For Free. Do It For Fun And For Free. Do It Up. For Fun. Forever. 822PM

828AM/FRI/4112025 Missed school again yesterday. This week ive only been to school Monday, Wednesday, and today, Friday. Im still kind of sick but its less miserable. Anyway, continuing to work on a New Thing, somehow i am actually DOING it, for the very first time. AMAZING! Amazing, i kno! The laziness boy has done his thing right. I am ahead! Also i have no school all of next week, wonderful. Wonderfing. Here we go... all is awful and all is wonderful. However there are no extremes. 830AM

139PM/FRI/4112025 How amazingly easy it is for people to affect people, how radical it must be to be purposefully alone in a way that does not allow for anything like this. How saddening, at the very least, for me, it is very, saddening to think of. Why is this a consistency? Its very swirly without words to come poke the swirl. Everyone WILL be changing you very very soon and its near impossible to let this not happen to you, everything is going to make you change and want to be like other people. Every envy. Every envy will happen. You can read things and maybe get scared of them. Or maybe feel something, maybe try to be more like that. Maybe be more like this. Maybe yourself is invented. Thats kind of what ive been thinking is that yourself is an invented belief. All youve got to do left is whatever your whims are leading you to do -- listen now because its very prime here: Whatever you want to do is what youll do. There is no oblique or original, there is no natural, normal, slate. You are the slate, you do what you are going to do, you do it at your whims. There is nothing to stop you to control you or to let it all go. You do what you are going to do, you do it at your whims. GOOD LUCK, YOU 145PM

1024AM/SUN/4132025 Happy Breaktime! I realized just now that i should update you on the amazing things that happened yesterday at the shopping day, ive just woken up. Went out for clothes with mom. For the wedding later this month. Went to look for a suit. None were thin enough for how the weather will be down in Tampa, but i tried them all on, looking in the mirror like a MAN. And laughter. My mom and i we discussed my name, she still feels very very bismirched. She could consider the existence i live is not the same person as her baby on September 16th, 2008. She wont, of course, because i love her. And suits. I bought 3 boy boy belts, and 1 cute cute shirt. Did not find the appropriate suitage. Later. She did not find a dress. Before all of this -- sorry for hiding it from you -- we bundled over to the market for food and i was stopped -- literally -- in my tracks by a vintage place for MOVIES, MUSIC, FILMS, and TOYS. All old items, all surrounding me at all angles. Of course i was allowed to get distracted. I bought four 45 inch records (DEVO, Elton John and Kiki Dee, two others i cant remember) and three cassettes (Supertramp Paris, a handmade cassette written in spanish, and most interestingly, a handmade cassette written "Big Band Hits, for Ritz") and i got home and absolutely died -- the poetic music listeners are correct in the way they talk about record player music. I curled up at the floor by the record player and listened to Slip Away by Bob Gaudio and Judy Parket and died, directly on the floor. And as close as possible, to music. To music. 1033AM

1027PM/TUE/4152025 I wonder what it feels like for you to read what i write without ever knowing what it said before you began to read it unlike myself? 1028PM

623PM/WED/4162025 Written on the ride home. Got a suit. Right leg pounding at the wet cement left leg barely there and a chickpeap hounding my ear. Today is a day i am very still. Its a good day that doesnt make me happy. It just exists around me as good. You cant stop yourself from feeling anything even alongside a good day that remains still. Alex G in my left ear, might as well. Right leg still pounding. Today, in the taxi, i stared out the window with my head caressed by the seat. It was a nice posture to be seated at so there were the clouds above me, just ahead of the river that was heading in the same direction i was. Immediately considered moms scream for 60 seconds. When i came out of it (that fog), i noticed i was still staring at the beautiful, beautiful, beautiful clouds. Trees are blooming again along the river. I didnt know that was possible. 631PM

1146PM/WED/4162025 Mental vaccination. I can feel it prick, prick, prick the arm. Sometimes i just hold on tight and never let go. 1147PM

154AM/SUN/4202025 What are you supposed to do about that? 155AM

156AM/SUN/4202025 In tandem: "The balance of colors and shapes is YOU", at last, "It's perfectly reasonable to get stuck on 'Everything's a miracle' for a couple of decades". Grandmother. Love Grandmother. 157AM

1000AM/MON/4212025 Its been a while since a solid scoop for you. Today is MONDAY, APRIL 21ST. Today we go down to the TAILOR to get the sleeves on my suit shortened. I have my shoes, my shirt, my pants, my jacket. Yesterday was Easter. Im sorry i did not call. I went to my Aunts for the day and sat around doing mostly nothing. But nothing with family which is different. The weather was incredible yesterday. On today is also LAUNDRY, which is as much of a burden as it is a gift. On today is also MOMS PEDICURE, MANICURE. In 2 days we fly South. Ive prepped gift baggles for this summers OSC event too. And they are wonderful. I am supposed to be getting ready to head out, but i am sitting here writing to you, eating Nilla wafers. GOOD LUCK, YOU 1005AM

310PM/THU/4242025 Hello again, since forever. Ive been bad at reporting lately. Im sorry. Yesterday we touched down in Florida. My impressions: the air smells good. It smells sweet. Or New York City stinks. Also, trees are very different. Noticeably there are so many different birds. A few: blue jay, cranes, and many mourning doves to my delight. Its hot but i havent sweat through any shirts yet. I feel like i hardly will because of the good winds. Its supposed to be 80 degrees. Maybe its 80 degrees directly under the sun. In the shade with wind its a cool New Yorkly spring day. Im trying really hard right now to not freak out. Theres a pool at the house we have and i swam about pretending im Mr. Pihrana today. In my clothes. I will never wear a bathing suit. Tomorrow is the day of the wedding. What fun... what fun... what... Went to Publix last night. Ohh boy. Ohh boy. Ohh boy. I have been recording everything. Everything. AAnd im very scared. But i am excited because Florida. Not so bad. Why does every kid here have so many keychains on their backpacks? Its Florida. Im toasty. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wedding. 316PM

510PM/THU/4242025 What are conversations supposed to be about? Whats are words or letters? 511PM

1227PM/MON/4282025 I am woefully behind on all things college. Anyway i am back home now and it is a cozy morning. Eating a toasted corn muffin. Florida was wonderful but it is a relief for the air to no longer be so cumbersome. And there i met my good friend Aurora down there. And it was so wonderful. So very wonderful. Everything tends to come together like that. Last day of my two week break. Tomorrow i head back to school. I have a lot of missing assignments that piled up over the week i was gone while others were at school. I am trying my best to not worry about it because good news: the vine outside has leaves again. Theyve grown! Everything is very green. Being plucked up into the sky by a plane is nowhere near close to flight, but close enough. I am hoping everyone everywhere does well. Trying not to worry about it. 1232PM

1233PM/MON/4282025 Addendum, i cannot believe i hardly mentioned the WEDDING! On boat. It was very fun. There was a lot of music and we all got to dance and it was very fun. I had a stomachache but remarkably no headache. On the water. On boat. Very fun. My first wedding. Weddings have made a good impression on me. 1234PM

1226PM/WED/4302025 It is consistently warm now and in that case, expect possibly to hear from me less. I dont get bothered by natural slump or instinct. I havent created much traditional art as of this slump. But i dont get bothered by it. But possibly i may slink into unknown with the warmth. My hair is getting long. Wings feel sticky, but not in the bad way they are. Its a good consideration. It would be easier if people could see them. Additionally, an excerpt from an earlier thought (~1030AM): I have this lifelong fantasy, that i am my true self all alone wandering in the woods eating fish from rivers and molting, and then a lab comes and catches me with a big net. But im not scared, i just look at the scientists with my big curious eyes and the lab is very humane and they give me blankets and snacks and music and its so nice in my lab. Sometimes when im stressed i take comfort in the consistency of experiment schedules. And when im sad i take comfort in being studied. And when im overwhelmed i think about the day theyll release me back into the woods. End. 1230PM

928AM/FRI/522025 Moving the beautiful music below, into the box. 928AM



Why I Remember Each Day of Summer by Dagmar Zuniga

1049PM/SAT/532025 Its raining. When youre thinking about preservations there are two principles that are equal parts important as they are infuriating. Everything you think will be saved will be deleted, and everything you think has been deleted has been saved. There are hidden archivists everywhere you look, you only have no idea because neither do they. Anybody who cares enough will begin to preserve (either that or something drastic). In any case a preservationist is someone who tries to equate a level of logic to love, which is deeply difficult, but to some nasty, but to some interesting. To some that it is interesting it is very difficult. You need a lot to do it, and you need very little to want it. Everything changes when it rains. I finally came to the conclusion that i am not a spiritual person but i am a very emotional one. Sometimes being emotional gets you closer to logic, as hard as it is, and sometimes you try very hard to consolidate what should be a feeling into the ability to remember that feeling. It comes from here. Right now, i am looking outside out my window out in the alley where it is very very dark and very very wet and the water is piling and its angry out there because of whatever made it that way, you know, and the bottom of the hitches are flooding and the alleys in the pavement are flooding and i am flooding because the city is me. In that way, anything can preserve. You need to want. 1056PM, LOVE FOREVER

1101PM/SAT/532025 FOR THE VERY LAST TIME, LISTENING: I am a perfectionist, a preservationist, a sensitive, an artist, a searcher, a hopes-and-dreams, an anxious, a feeling, loving, a winged, a holding, hiding, quieting, an in-between-er, an overthinker, a speaker, wanting, person. Nothing worse than that. ;-). 1103PM

1217PM/SUN/542025 The weather is absolutely incredible. Last night it rained very hard and we put the plant out on the fire escape. Its just drizzling a little. Im sitting at a bus stop because today i had an arrangement with my friend for to meet for fun at their place but, you know, directions. Ended up halfway across Brooklyn instead. But i found a bus thatll take me straight there. Some adjacent detail from two days ago that i wanted to share: when waiting at my (regular) bus stop, i had crouched onto the ground and saw a bee hovering above the pavement for a moment before deciding to land. Saw it go through a decision. There was also a kind lady there who asked me when the bus was coming. Now that its warm, the whole world is in love with itself. 1219AM

832PM/MON/552025 I cant believe i ever forgot you, website, your significance, what you do for me. Today its still rainy out and i cant believe it but the rain has me thinking about that jar again. I still cant maintain a name even after all this time because usually, you name people when theyre born, not when they die. I tried to spin it around into an object thing, that maybe you name them once theyve broken. And i like that idea, but i think i settled on Bob. Did i? Bob. Or Gregory, for the jar, but i cant remember. But again, anything can be different, so maybe his name is Bob and Gregory. When he broke around 2 years ago i planned on a funeral. If you were there for that, hello, but im sorry, i havent been able to do it yet. Most of the grief is gone, it doesnt really hurt as much anymore. Just a big bummer. But this rain has me thinking about it again, and im going to put his shards out on the windowsill. I think its torture making his shards sit on this desk feet away from the endless storm outside. Hold on a minute. 836PM. The three shards are out there. Im glad i came up with that idea. I get a certain feeling in the rain, and feel free to start listening if it interests you; most people feel that need to keep dry. I do it too. I dont know where it comes from. We all want to be very dry. Angry at our lizard fish counterparts. But recently i find it if you go out and break past that first dry wanting, you can be wet outside and enjoy it. When its humid and smells good, and youve already sweat a little bit, you can let yourself get poured on. I hope for rain. Come see me again, rainstorm. Go get yourself soaked, people! GOOD LUCK, YOU 838PM

829AM/TUE/562025 "I dont even know if thats true." 829AM

233PM/TUE/562025 I am very, very scared 233PM

1120AM/WED/572025 A test i will be using to determine how accepted by art a person is consists of one question for me: are you weirded out by someone using their spit in their artwork? I tend to learn pretty quickly how far i can go being vulnerable with a person through that question and through their answer. 1121AM

915AM/FRI/592025 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaffffffffffffffffffggggggggggggggggdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddfffffffffffffffggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggffffffffffffffffffffhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggggggggggggg. Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Rrr. Rrrgh. 917AM

631PM/FRI/592025 Its starting to look like i am the type of plant that needs a lot of watering. This is not a good thing, and im pretty disappointed in myself. 632PM

347PM/SAT/5102025 YOU GOTTA GET A LITTLE ABSURD + WEIRD + CRAZY 348PM

852PM/SAT/5102025 Today, i was home alone. It happened to be the same day that the mouse we have been having was caught by a trap. I am very upset that my parents chose glue traps. I am very upset that i had to drown a mouse. It was very small, and i did cry in the other room waiting for it to go pass in the bowl. I have never killed anything larger than a cockroach. Even then i feel terribly awful. And here i am very, very upset. I think i need to make a case to my parents about using something far more humane next time. Time Of Death: 8:33 P.M. 855PM

546PM/SUN/5112025 I hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it. I hate it. I want to be good. I dont like this at all. I dont like this at all. I need to stop it. I need to stop this. I need to stop this as soon as possible. I hate it hate it hate it. Mousetrap. 547PM

1200AM/MON/5122025 Ive had another "self-epiphany". Because i am still upset with my own behavior ill eventually get around to describing it to you. Also my dad gave me his record collection. Ive begun preserving the records i have from the Sammy Davis Jr. auction. The process of pressing them carefully into the scanner and playing them through my computer and compiling the two sides into a static image is rewarding. I love to be an archivist. I need to use commas less. If youre curious about the records go see my YouTube im putting them there. 1202AM

8:50 P.M. (8:49 P.M.: I started writing this in my head as my computer booted up before I began to type.) /MON/M5/D12/Y2025 I dont think I should be liked. I think there are a lot of things about me that do not deserve to have any attention. I think a major part of the human brain is dependent upon external attention. I think when prodded the human brain will do some things that the person does not want it to do. Earlier today at lunch I started thinking about "philosophy". Not the word but also the word but mostly what the word describes. I do spend an awful lot of time devoted to THINKING. Expressly thinking about everything around me and about everyone around me and about everything that I can. But I eventually get frustrated. Im frustrated right now that Im using the word I. Like I said I think a major part of the human brain is dependent upon external attention. And that is not something good. But we all want it, and I try to get around it, but its really difficult. You never really can. When I thought about "philosophy" I thought, "God, Im so exhausted of thinking about what words mean, or the way these things connect, or what I am. You get to a point when you think about things so hard that, while not tiring to think about, they become upsetting to think about." I think philosophers are strong people. But I dont think I can do it with other people anymore because it becomes a game of -- "is this spiritual to you? Is this religious?" I love this. I love it. I love it so much. But it gets upsetting. I dont think anyone should concern themselves with other people -- NOT IN THE WAY YOU THINK IM TALKING ABOUT, BTW, HOLD ON -- I think everyone should try to love everything that they can. I mean it. I mean everything. I think devoting yourself to everything that is around you, and figuring out how your special funkle tooty brain will enjoy to digest that thing is very important, because if you dont at least dip your ideas into it, youre not gonna know anything about anything about anything in reference to YOU. Nobody knows who you are. You might not even know who you are. Have you considered that? 8:57 P.M.

7:23 A.M./TUE/M5/D13/Y2025 Im not really sure what that means. In fact, I dont encourage you to believe anybody. The ideal is to be preserving these things in order to avoid others needing to hear about all of it. But then the joy comes even through the process of DOING it and then its kind of useless to make that argument. Typing "useless" makes a plant emoji come up on my keyboard. 🪴? 7:25 A.M.

7:29 A.M./THU/M5/D15/Y2025 Oh god though. Like, oh god though. You know its changed again. You know, I used to be much more direct, and real about it, but something happened. I used to use words the nonsense way. At what point did I use them in a way to make sense? To serve readers, to serve others. Useless. Oh god. I dont understand. Why is that so easy? 7:31 A.M.

7:37 A.M./THU/M5/D15/Y2025 I want to be quiet. What I want is to manage to be quiet while still saying things. Saything things (typo). Do not become someone else because they expect a smile. (Nothing happens for a while). 7:38 A.M.

7:42 A.M./THU/M5/D15/Y2025 In an ideal I would never use words again. I would just art. (Being correct). 7:42 A.M.

11:05 A.M./THU/M5/D15/Y2025 Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god. Oh my god oh my god oh my god. 11:07 A.M.

11:20 A.M./SAT/M5/D17/Y2025 I cant tell anyone about it (loudly), but I figured out how to make autoplay work for a secret thing Im making for a friend. Like, real audio auto autoplay, that really just starts. Im sure this is something simple to other people, because autoplay is so prevalent on here, but I never did it before because I usually see it as a nusiance. For the purpose of this secret gift it is necessary. It was a great accomplishment. I find myself relating art to coding. The joy of it is getting horrifically stuck on something for 5 hours until you figure it out. I guess I have tech-art resilience. GOOD LUCK, YOU 11:22 A.M.

8:15 P.M./SUN/M5/D18/Y2025 Grandmas Island. Im sitting on the grass 2 hours ago and the way the trees wiggle in the wind looks like theyve just told a secret inside joke that only they understand, and theyre giggling and whispering to each other. Looming over me. Grass is soft. And the sun is defiance. 8:17 P.M.

12:41 A.M./MON/M5/D19/Y2025



9:46 P.M./MON/M5/D19/Y2025 On the way home from school, taking tram to Grandmas Island, a tram car left the station and a nice man looked down at me from 15 feet ahead, and smiled and waved at me like a little kid. I smiled back at him and waved lowly. I think it is deeply necessary to life that you deduce who is open, and smile and wave at them like a little kid. When the tram lifted up and away, I continued looking over the ledge and feeling the wind and looking down at the cars like they were my domain. I am perfectly comfortable on The Island -- wing island, flight feathers. I saw a single white feather in the grass. Stronger here, magic island. It is important that I hug you with my wings. 9:49 P.M.

10:44 A.M./TUE/M5/D20/Y2025 Feeling a strange guilt pitted in my stomach with fear making me salivate. Brain really thinks its for nothing, gotta solve this, because, really, "Thats enough!". Lunchtime! 10:46 A.M.

11:22 A.M./TUE/M5/D20/Y2025 Oh god oh god oh god. Bad idea, and I am so scared. I am so scared. Why does it have to be like this? Why do I have to be so afraid? I will strangle the other in me. Very bad. WHAT am I MEANT to WRITE? EEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING STOP HAPPENING THIS MINUTE! I NEED SOME TIME! I NEED SOME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 11:24 A.M FUCKWORLD

8:58 A.M./WED/M5/D21/Y2025 All better. Yesterday, I sat in the grass on Island with pigeons sitting in the sun. Midday, I get so scared I just have to fall asleep, and I put off the phone call I need to make. 8:59 A.M.

6:08 P.M./WED/M5/D21/Y2025 NOT all better. Relatively. I got the phone call over with. I passed the SAT. 6:08 P.M.

8:01 A.M./THU/M5/D22/Y2025 Oh man. UUUUUUUUUUGK. UGK UGK UGK! OH MAN! 8:02 A.M.

8:09 A.M./THU/M5/D22/Y2025 Its either crying or maybe throw-up. Today it rained. Its good, worth it, because if it were this cold without rain there would be no use. Stupid without rain, why cant I do that? And I just want to go into a hole and never come out, Id like to be Schrodingers Cat. That sounds comfortable. All the rain, the Schrodingers, the lab, the Selves, big comforts. My legs feel like theyre so heavy Im lugging them around. I know its much worse than usual because this time, my arms are heavy. Thats how it was before, and its upsetting me. Well, what am I supposed to do? Dont let it happen again. Im still not wanting to say anything about how upset I am right now but Im saying things anyway, CLEARLY, because, just look at me. Im a great big Hypocrite-Schrodinger. 8:14 A.M.

7:44 A.M./FRI/M5/D23/Y2025 Distinctly "good" feeling sitting in the grass, facing the river. It poured violently for 3 minutes, then foggy, then clear again. The sky cant decide what it wants to do. 7:45 P.M.

9:47 A.M./SUN/M5/D25/Y2025 5, 25, 2025. Good. I feel "ALOOF". 9:48 A.M.

6:58 P.M./MON/M5/D26/Y2025 Day-Day. Memorial day, NO-SCHOOL Day-Day. Last night, all I could think of was "aiding and abetting". Just the phrase despite having virtually no memory of what it means. Kept on going: Aiding and abetting aiding and abetting aidingandabetting aidingandabettingaidingandabettingaidingandabettingbettingaidingandbettingbetaidinbeditaiding. Loose affiliations... and I cant get it to end. I cant get myself closer to the people I know, and I cooked pasta in my grandmothers apartment for the first time. I was supposed to go back home today, but I cant bear it somehow. I really want to cut off the hair on the side of my head go for more of a mullet-ish. But teenage impulse is not allowed. I am getting very extreme, very freaked-out, and I cant seem to draw. PIGEONS. Theyre all along the dotted windows lining the building ahead. I study the way they freefall in the wind flexing my own shoulders and wanting to cry. Just wanting. To cry. In any case, I love everyone around me, and cant help but desire. I dont know what to do, I wonder if you read me. 7:03 P.M. (HOW?)

8:12 A.M./WED/M5/D28/Y2025 Wings wings wings wings. Im obsessed. Youre supposed to just ask (hiddenly). Yesterday one of the rubbers came off my earbud and now Im listening with one ear. I cant replace it until I go back home. I really dont want to. That lone earbud this morning just would not connect until the tram lifty rested at its port. Im full of 5 people. GOD, oops! Wait! Uuu! No! Nooo!!! Island Land, Island of dreaming of to be gone and to be free flying with wings to fly with. Or maybe, just lend me the muscles I need. Nothing else would bother me. MY LEGS HURT TODAY. Theyre all bad again. Great day, (genuine), great. I want to find it. 8:15 A.M.

5/31/2025 6:53 P.M. Saturday: Duplication kept coming to me. Being most truly the most myself I can be is very comfortable. In brief moments of unafraid I get very very good. Id like to tell you a little something about duplication today. Everything comes back to being many of yourself. Remember that? Remember the zeptos, the past versions? I havent yet found a way to talk about it that DOESNT feel gaudy and prudish, but it really does come down to that. Here it goes: just imagining everything duplicate is a horrific idea. If you cant tell your brain to stop. If you can, you probably havent understood a word Ive said! Just thinking, starting with an object on the table; my water bottle, it splits at the head and forms into two. Oh, you cant stop there because next is the jars, or the piles of clothes (no, each individual shirt) then the walls of the room, each one splitting, splitting, forming two, by the time youve looked back at the water bottle each twain has become twain and twain again. It really gets out of hand, but I like what it does to my brain. It resets my nervous system the best way I can find to do that outside of closing the loop with a past version who was once me, calling out to my future version, myself. 5/31/2025 6:58 P.M. Saturday

6/2/2025 12:47 P.M. Monday: I somehow never mentioned time signatures. Two weeks agoish when my Dad was taking me to Grandma Island he finally (finally enlightenment) put the time signature knowledge upon me. Came with some frustrating and something I never expected. Common time is everywhere and hard to get away from. But everything changes once youre aware of what it means, or whatever its been ascribed to. The fact that 4/4 is common time is so interesting. Its just how things developed. Well inanycase, writing keeps happening. People keep trying to use words. I cant deny I indulge the words. I cant run away from them, and I cant deny the words or hashes make music beats fun fun fun fun fun. But dont talk to me about music, I promise I dont know anything about it. 6/2/2025 12:49 P.M. Monday

6/21/2025 11:37 A.M. Saturday: As said above, babbling. Yesterday when I went to do my exam they said sit anywhere, and I sat by the window. To the right of the school building through that window was a large residential. Every window always fascinates me, I cant keep from being fascinated by the process of the window, and its no wonder people use a window as a symbolic representation. A passingthrough, a lookingin, because when you stop, stare out yours to see other ones, youre sort of perusing, sort of windowshopping (ha) the lives of these people. You know? Sitting there supposed to have been doing my civic literacy essay I peered inside each window, trying to be careful where I tossed my eyes. There was a moment when I saw a face in the arrangement of windows, 2 faces, but it was imaginatory distraction... not human faces within the windows but large symbolic facial representations. Anyway its really interesting, on Grandma Island from her large window there is a residential across the court, and each window keeps my interest. Seeing nearly the same fascination sitting in that uncomfortable metal chair was really something, bringing you out of wherever you are. I think; I dont really know what most peoples homes look like. You dont really stop to think about that very much do you (I)? Do I, not at all. Not really. Then, I was thinking about it. Im babbling like I promised you, so dont be surprised by the change in topic. The idea that I never would have come to my own internal conclusions about the world if it werent for others... selfishly the thought upsets me, but realistically its very nice and interesting to think. I feel stubbornness everywhere lately and I get embarrassed. Well, thats all for babble, its time for lunch. 6/21/2025 11:43 A.M. Saturday

7/16/2025 6:48 P.M. Wednesday: I know why I am scared, but there is practically nothing I can do. There is one thing, but it is very very stupid. I reread more past writing again, its something I like because I like it, because I can think about the past me. Weirdly, while most things get worse and worse the TIME thing only gets better and better... because the farther I get from February 6th, the more chances I have to communicate. I guess. I still havent come up with a way to say what I mean when I say that, because I am already saying what I mean but... it still appears as nonsense. I shouldnt really mind it, and I really dont. DID YOU KNOW I AM A JEALOUS PERSON? Its new to me, I wouldnt fault you for missing it. The idea of what really is "you"... because the present isnt real, the past is communicable, and the future is looking for you. While I speak in an open voice here I figure most dont agree with that, so I really mean to say, this is how it is for me. This is how it is for me. I am trying to remember I can ask for hugs from yesterdays me. Zeptos is a stupid word. Its okay, May 31st 2025, you thought it was cool... but I have to hug you now and tell you, just dont use it anymore. We dont use that word here in July, but you, in Holy May... go ahead. I cant do "duplication" anymore; this was the main point of me writing but I got a little distracted. I cant "duplicate" the objects around me like May 31st could, which is sad. I remember that it gave me so much relief, but I just cant do it anymore. My body feels paralyzed. I havent told you everything. 7/16/2025 6:53 P.M. Wednesday

8/27/2025 8:08 A.M. Wednesday: Last night I was struck with the need to write something big, again. It has been too long!!! Way too long, even still, though the intention of writing to remember has not been forgotten or even mucked with, I began to miss a significant amount of days in late July and throughout early August. Mostly, there was nothing ever for me to say. But I have something worth babbling about, and I think people care about what I have to say, because I have a human brain that makes me think that thought... so. Um. Yes. The point: how does anyone deal with childhood? Its a ridiculous thing that exists, thousands of people have spoken about it, but only to me it feels increasingly rare to find someone outside of my lovely grandmother who acknowledges the ridiculousness of childhood! You have practically zero sense of self, and yet sentience. You are a sponge that continues to absorb, and you become mostly saturated by the time youre out of the whole ordeal. But you are still expected to remember things, and survive until your saturation point. And there is no bleakness here, dont get me wrong, because, you can still surely absorb plenty of things post-saturation... but even still! An empty sponge, and youre meant to live. And, then, meant to live, (if you are acutely aware,) knowing you will forget 90% of what youve lived, at least. When I was much younger I believe I was aware of this, most likely. Some subconcious identity (which, I come to the idea that my subconcious has lived through all versions of myself,) that knew "most of this will be forgotten, and most of it is superfluous. Why dont we start writing things down?" So I did, sort of, like a self fulfilling prophecy, and here we are now. I guess I will continue to write what happens, because the forgetfulness does not leave me. Hit with the grand feeling that I am becoming a person, I feel like doing some big apologetic gesture for the childhood identity that had to live, whilst being nothing at all! How could anyone live that way? Well, I did, for long enough to voice my sentience and/or awareness. Especially awareness. Especially, to be aware in childhood about the fact that the adult world around you practically wants to kill you, or, at least, feeling that they want to kill you, and expected to raise your hand in class. Jesus Christ, its an awful thought. Being nobody made to live and exist, self aware of this. And regardless, regardless of any assertions of identity, if you are or were like me, trying to communicate with who you were 3 minutes ago, regardless, knowing really nothing will come out of it. *Large Sigh*, what a fucking concept. 8/27/2025 8:17 A.M. Wednesday

9/7/2025 7:46 P.M. Sunday: My legs stunk like the rain. Practically everything about me stunk like the rain, possibly because of the "standing in the storm". My socks were soaking wet, you know, I was sure they'd never feel that way again. There's a great amount of vanity. Also, there's a great amount of being completely fucking full of yourself, required in order to be "that", instead of safety saying really, nothing whatsoever. My friend, yesterday, passed me a book, and it lit up my brain, practically everything about me dripping with envy. A wide arrangement of ideas returned. As always, a common law, is that everything naturally does whatever it was already meant to do, and so, naturally, as everything went to shit, I naturally came up with this mime world, this internal mime world. Pantomime, pantomime, pantomime. Plus, illustration returns. I feel an explicit feeling of that people are caring a lot about me, which is weird. And that... many people recently are seeing, me, seeing something. And I, all I want to do, is talk. Practically everything about me should piss everyone off, except for just a few people, only just a few people. And that's how most celebrities get to be celebrities. So, whatever, I don't want that, anyway. Everything that is supposed to happen is just going to happen, which doesn't mean the good things will happen, either. I think what I'm talking about right now is stupid fucking bullshit, but that's just the way it is. 9/7/2025 7:54 P.M. Sunday

Okay, it's 12/1/2025 and exactly 9:00 in the morning. This is a really good way to start. December is important, Christmas is important... I think people should use apples as ornaments on their tree. Instead of a star, just stick an apple on the top. It would be pretty cool. / I am going to Grandma Island. The bag is monumentally heavy. Nobody is considerate during transit, it makes me passively angry. I have some collectors items coming in the mail that I am deeply excited about. I paid the prettiest penny. And I can't wait for the cake they sell on Grandma Island, which they don't seem to sell anywhere else. It's 12/2/2025, and 8:24 in the morning. Also, I was wondering why the 12 days of Christmas arbitrarily start 12 days before Christmas. First of all, the concept of Christmas having multiple days is confusing, but secondly, even if so, the first day of Christmas should be December 1st. / 8:33. Spent my first night alone again in The Nest. I bought groceries yesterday too. Some pasta, some cake, some soda. Very adult groceries. To my defense there is already quite a regular amount of food in the apartment. I am hungry now... I have plans with friends later too, hurray hurray... third of December, 8:34 now. / Later in the same day at 1:03. I ate the 12 year old's lunch of chips and juice. Yeah. / Friday the Fifth, 9:14. Ok now it's 9:16. I should clarify, in the morningtime. And so was yesterday's 8:33, that was in the morning. It's freezing! I found a pair of gloves in the apartment which held my hand just fine. Lately, a lot of people are sort of subtly bullying me? I guess I have to do something about that. / It's 6:38 P.M. on Friday on December 5th and my friend gave me a green apple to eat today. I learnt if you give me an apple I will be devoted like a horse. / 12/7/2025 and also 3:43 in the afternoon on a Sunday. I am procrastinating more than anyone has ever procrastinated before! I hate the way I write. I think I would like to go away. / HEY, quick, it's 12/10/2025, still 2025, and 10:17 A.M. while I write. I started watching My Little Pony n' Friends (that's the first ever My Little Pony generation). Why? Nunya. Also plenty of personal realizations, for the helping of December. I really want to start doing website layout commissions but how does one even do such a thing?!?! I have a stupid amount of responsibilities, and it's my own fault. I want to be the perfect person who can do everything in one week. Also I missed school yesterday because I was BLEEDING and it was COLD and I was NOT INTERESTED IN EITHER OF THOSE THINGS. Good day. Thank you for all the mail. It entertains me. 10:20 now, just as I'd hoped / I love you all! And even if I am struggling there is no reason to be angry. But I must say I was so very angry yesterday, concretely no reason. It felt nice. I didn't yell at anyone, or behave cruelly, I just got to feel angry inside and it burnt all through me. I guess going through the accepting of all those nice negative feelings includes that. I keep thinking about cupcakes and tomato sauce and apples. I'm like a little kid. I never said it OOPS: today is a thursday, 12/11/2025, 10:56 in the morning. I just smelled an apple I want one so bad. Hungry. Money! Hungry. How are you? I love my website again suddenly... and I love you. / I'm sick. *BLOW NOSE*. 12/12, pretty fun. 11:17 A.M. and a Friday, and I missed school. Because I'm sick. *HONK HOOONK*. / 12/15/2025 9:11 the morning. It's a Monday. Not sick, just still snotty. I doubt I'll ever make anything for real. I have a big ideas. Maybe I shouldn't lose hope, and hold onto my ideas until the universe beams into me the need to make them real. Something big. Something really big. But I never feel the time is enough for me... I would like to pause time and just... work. Work in the private. / I can't get anything done... it's Wednesday. It feels like I'm still yesterday... it's the 17th of December. / In Christmastime, some people don't have a little bird to curl up under the tree. Hire my services. $1 an hour. I will come to your house on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day to just sort of sit near your tree and be happy. I enjoy to watch the gift unwrappings. Prepare apples. Oh it's 12/22/2025, Christmas is in 3 days. / I love Christmas. I love Christmas. 9:21 A.M. 12/23/2025. CHRISTMAS! / It is December 28th, 2025. I'm already thinking it's 2026... I guess this limbo period before New Years is a good time to prepare for it being a new year. So I keep telling myself it's already 2026 which doesn't help for being confused as to what day it is. Oh did I mention? It's 2:27 P.M. and I'm sitting in the kitchen... I love Merry, I didn't speak a Merry Christmas here, I was distracted. In honest, this Christmas was my worst. So I wasn't really focused on speaking about it. Last night we went to a murder mystery themed dining "experience". I wasn't exactly thrilled but I ended up having a good time. Basically you eat yummy food and have to solve a "murder" and there are actors and stuff. It was nice. I guess now I'm going to eat some pasta and finish watching The Substance. 2:29, now, skipped the 28... / Oh, and, I was gifted one thing principally: an OMNICHORD! I named her Baby Betty, or just Betty, and I love her. / God, am I afraid. January First, 2026. It'll go my way this time. 3:49 P.M. / Quick! I'm struck, frantic, needing to speak to you! It is January 3rd, 2026, and this year is shit, but it will be so beautiful soon! 2:47 P.M. by the way. Since I stopped being so formulaic with my dating systems (which was awfully straining to maintain, and not in the fun masochistic sense), I seem to affirm either the date or the time and wait before announcing the other one. In any case, college! Oh god! I am being struck, immediately, this year, with vouyerism, shame, privacy, contemplation, organization, and guilt! What an exhilerating year it'll be, oh I can't wait to cry. 2:49 P.M., and at my aunt's house, though she is not here. / This is the year I will make Monarch happen for real. I have lost my debit card, my school card, and my train card. But it's okay. I feel relieved. I have come out the other side of the storm today. Today I eat good, and today I work good. Also, I have begun tracking my mood on a spreadsheet. It's very fun to look at the colors. BACK TO SCHOOL! Oh, 8:32 A.M. 1/5/2026 / I'm sleepy, well washed, at 12:01 A.M. on January 8th. My hair feels cute and my blanket feels cute and I feel cute. My eyes are stingy with sleepy so I must go to dreams. / Today was a very good day, January 16th, 2026, 7:25 at night. Everything good happened. Cookies, pizza, people like the stuff I do. I can feel art coming back to me, I can't wait to draw again. I love everyone. I love you! / A lot has changed. I don't write as much anymore. It is January 27th, 2026. 8 almost 9 in the morning. Recently, I got a shorter haircut which I like a lot, and finished my ita bag so I'm wearing it to school for the first time today. Pretty awesome. So far nobody has said anything, which is I guess the better alternative than being bullied for it. Who would ever bully someone for an ita bag at an arts school, though? Speaking of, I got accepted into my dream college a few days ago. Hurrayyy!!! They gave me a huge scholarship! In any case, I also finished the second timetable of the set of props I was working on and they are looking beautiful together. Anyway, anyway, hope all that news is enough. I'm definitely allergic to some kind of tree nut.

February 2026