LEAUX

online: 
2.22.26 9:12am
AlSO, when you work without distraction for long periods of time ideas flood your mind before you go to sleep. i was frantically writing them down last night on sticky notes in the dark. 

"If a person forgets an idea that they love, its a horror and it could lead to a real yearning to commit suicide" - David Lynch 

for the love of God, keep a record. the consequences for not writing everything down are greater than if you do. 



2.21.26 6:36pm
Everything But The Girl - Before Today
music is unbelievable.



2.21.26 5:52pm
the ideas you're looking for when overthinking are found within the action you're ignoring. slowing down and being present with the work cleanses your mind and allows good thoughts to pop in naturally.



2.21.26 2:27pm
The Radio Dept. - Pet Grief
sitting in the sun like a lizard





2.21.26 11:29am
DOJO 213



2.20.26 5:58pm
takin the nuclear option



2.19.26 3:40pm
does anyone else get a breeze of nostalgia or deja vu when they're feeling good. its not a literal smell in the air, instead its what your brain tells you you're smelling. how do i explain this :/

there are a few days that stick out in my mind as really good days, when everything felt right. when im in a good mood it feels like im breathing the same air from that day. its a warm, lively feeling. i wish it happened more often. im not crazy, everyone understands without a doubt!! you get me.



2.19.26 2:13pm
im far too introverted online sometimes. i feel like emails have to be a 500 word essay, they dont. short and sweet spontaneous messages are much better. 

i will reach out to more people and show appreciation for things i enjoy :-)



2.18.26 8:57am

legendary album run



2.17.26 8:06pm
Sweet Trip - Chocolate Matter
LIME GREEN GLITTER BOMB ECO UZI. CHROME TARGET DUMMIES WEARING BAPE.



2.17.26 2:34pm
its strange and demoralizing to hear someone who seems to have it all together ask themselves the same quesitons you ask yourself. no one is ever doing "enough", everyone has more to "offer". even simply being aware of it doesnt make it any better. im aware that we're all chasing an imaginary line but am i willing to resign from the race? no lmao. 

maybe its the curse of youth, when we get old and realize how little time we have left that invisible line will disappear right in front of our eyes and only then will we be truly free. the checkered flag will wave and a bird will chirp.



2.17.26 9:26am
false pleasures breed genuine pain



2.16.26 11:56am

the year is 1982. you're coming home after a 16 hour shift to kids that dont love you and a wife that says you work too much. 

you pull out your walkman, press the orange cushions into your ears, click play and grab the hanging handle of the train. for a moment, you no longer exist.



2.15.26 9:54pm
if you want everything you get nothing, if you want one thing you get everything that comes with it. build a wall around your purpose, not to keep the world out, but to keep yourself in.



2.14.26 6:37am
Muay Thai Traditional Music - Rounds 1-2-3-4-5
muay thai has a mystical quality about it. the music, bowing and deep sense of respect contrasted against a vicious elbow or a leg kick to the head. its rare for something to keep hold of its tradition that strongly. the thais typically have hundreds of fights before they retire which creates a sense of playfulness in the ring. 

underground gambling on a muggy summer night against the breeze of sweat beneath a flickering green spotlight. you've got 15 minutes to find out if you trained hard enough, there's nothing more you can do.



2.13.26 11:25am
knowing 90% of everything you create will be easily forgotten is incredibly rewarding, the 10% is what makes it worth doing.



2.12.26 5:51am
similar to pervatin in germany, i suspect generations ahead of us will laugh at how twisted we were. the average person daily spends around 7 hours looking at a screen. when a new technology is developed we need at least 100 years of wisdom to truly understand it, now we barely get 5 and it becomes increasingly more pernicious. what's most disturbing is the sheer volume of information and emotion we're able to siphon out and fluxuate between.

or maybe we min-max our central nervous system and get completely stimmed out of our tree.



2.11.26 5:27pm
Madonna - Into The Groove
flat-out on the aqua line after work in a white testarossa with my khakis on.



2.10.26 8:37am
good tuesday! may your extreme paranoia and confusion be reduced to a minimum.
pull out a fresh BIC cristal and make it count!



2.10.26 8:09am

beauty is a basic requirment of life.



2.9.26 7:06am
Hauntology, a concept coined by French philosopher Jacques Derrida in 1993, refers to the persistence of elements from the social or cultural past that "haunt" the present, often representing lost, imagined futures. It describes a state of being neither present nor absent, bridging nostalgia with cultural memory in art, music, and critical theory.



2.8.26 3:15pm
who termed mallsoft? its the perfect name.



2.7.26 3:17pm
the sin of lust has its root in the belief that God's love is not enough to satisfy our longing for intimacy. 

lust is not love; its selfish desire. someone sent a text to my sister that was so grotesque the only option was to pretend like you didnt read it. men who outwardly reveal their depravity at the expense of other women are literal vermin. uncontrollable disconnected freaks man. god will love you more than anyone you've ever met. do some pushups. why are people so horny?





2.7.26 7:48am
Roy Bee - Kiss Me Again (Nightcore Remix)
sub-human lectures fellow sub-human on how to be less sub-human.



2.6.26 2:05pm
swiss design feels so right



2.6.26 11:15am
"Kill me." - Tom Platz 



2.6.26 9:33am
chasing time-trial ghosts behind our eyes.



2.5.26 8:08am
fall to the occasion.



2.4.26 10:50am
white text on black backgrounds creates a visual fuzzing effect called “halation”. halation is known to reduce readability of text and is particularly bad for people with astygmatism.  



2.4.26 10:36am
i will listen to every vaporwave album on the internet archive!



2.3.26 10:51am
Paul Hertzog - Tai Chi
people are forcing themselves to do things they clearly dont want to do just because someone told them doing what you dont want to do will get you the things you want to have. deeply cruel and harmful advice given by unlovable sociopaths. a faux sense of fulfillment grounded in comparison. 



2.3.26 8:04am
windows 7 was so niiice. been wondering about the zeitgeist of the 20s in general. i dont think the strong sense of aesthetic has escaped us, naturally i think we all want things to look good its just that most people have no clue what good actually is, and those same people are typically calling the shots. it feels like all we get now are spin-offs, remasters and in the style of ___. beauty is elegant and complex, it also costs more in terms of time and money. id even argue we've reached a point of regression where even if we wanted to build gothic churches we simply couldnt because of rules and regulations. inflation has nothing to do with it, at first thought you just assume good design is hard to make but its not at all. the wicked complicate things on purpose to seem profound. not one single consumer would complain if paul rands ideology was still being used in product design. 

before there was a clear class distinction between rich and poor, both had a strong sense of character. whether it be a mercedes e-class or a toyota pickup, both were beautiful. pragmatic design seems much harder to achieve digitally, this is the advantage of physical models and holding a product in your hands. running a string through clay or aligning typefaces on a grid system takes longer but creates hesitation and intent for every decision, ctrl+z takes this away and causes decision fatigue. 

numbers and relevancy are the only things that people value now. an existing ip with a strong fanbase will always be picked over a new story. why throw a hail-mary when you can write a star wars spin-off that will make every gamestop employee and funko pop collector turn in their 2 week notice. 

this brings me to old people, weirdly they are more detached than anyone. they have the face sucker from alien wrapped around their head and have shifted from not knowing what an HDMI cable is to literally believing everything they see on tiktok is reality. the question "what do you want to do with your life?" is one that is asked far too often now as if making a reel of myself pouring milk into my cereal is a step in the right direction or living a simple life isnt enough. people my age feel this stronger than anyone and i believe we are slowly starting to reject the internet as a whole. social media is a pure negative. status is now spiritual, the man who can walk around without his phone represents a level of detachment the average person cant possibly comprehend. the more homogenized we become the easier it is to be "interesting". the problem is that being unique has gone from providing something new and fresh, to now, lacking what everyone else has. 

anyway, yea windows 7 was sick and thankfully great things can still be enjoyed.  



2.2.26 7:58am
unbothered, untethered, unbecoming, unbreakable. unbeatable, unforgettable, understandable, unabomber, unite, undress, unzip, unfortunate, ungulate, unkillable, union, unclear, unholy, uncanny 



2.2.26 7:40am
grateful to all the unrecognized sound designers and music composers who create unforgettable atmospheres.



2.2.26 7:26am
my sister has an ongoing joke to give this email out to retail workers.
(full legal name)myparentsaredivorced@gmail.com



2.1.26 6:00am
Basic Food Combination Guide
GUT HEALTH GUERRILLA TACTICS FROM MR. JUNGLE HIMSELF
Carb meals (1 source of carbs either starchy or non-starchy)
    Only Combined with non-starchy vegetables.
Protein & Oil/Fat Meals (1 source of protein)
    Only Combined with non-starchy carbs.
Fruits only ever eaten alone on an empty stomach.



1.30.26 9:08am
sashiko & shibari



1.30.26 7:34am
Spectrum - F・L・Y
dreamt of a giant cloud in the shape of a hand being made by a man in a black orb from saturn. it was a windy summer day and the sky was infinite, besides the hand which was missing its ring finger. looking straight up into something so vast makes your head feel empty. the cloud brought me to tears for some reason and there was a film dissolve transition of a tear falling from my eye to a woman running through the desert in a white dress. she was the same size as the tear and her footprints in the sand lined up perfectly with the tear trail. im not sure how i knew the guy was from saturn. i also remember kim kardashian telling me about her favorite loot cave on venus, thats where she gets all her diamonds??



1.29.26 9:19am
larping as militia and quoting orwell LUL



1.29.26 6:35am
gross penny covered in grime awaits its final flight into the fountain of dreams, may it sink slowly. 



1.29.26 5:33am
there is an airy quality to old sitcom style cartoons like pink panther. these play so well in the background, shows had such a strong sense of room. directors knew exactly where you'd be watching tv, it felt right. 



1.28.26 6:42pm
Phoenix #2772 - InfoCom Corp.
i want to live in this song.



1.28.26 2:49pm
blue light is mk-ultra infinite. world war 3 started a long time ago, dopamine camps and war on the self. dont be afraid. never kill yourself.
"everything gone c alright" - crip mac



1.27.26 12:27am
meditation reduces frantic, disjointed thinking thus allowing cleaner thoughts to occur.



1.25.26 6:24pm
being surrounded by people that are consumed by negativity makes every interaction feel like a joust, you know you will be hit.



1.21.26 7:14pm
12 year old brother explained egg theory to me last night.



1.21.26 2:54pm
do mysterious things happen anymore? where did all the weird stories go?
people aren't even good at making shit sound believable anymore, fool me plz.



1.20.26 2:05pm
purl - untitled 15 / untitled 08 
@neil5694 2 years ago
This reminds me of when I used to stare at this small orange light in the stream next to my apartment for like a while. I only noticed it the month I was about to move, and for that month i'd stare at it everday for a bit before going to sleep. It only appeared at night and I think it might've been the reflection from the streetlight. It was such an vivid shade of orange though and thats why I liked staring at it I think. 



1.20.26 1:30pm
my deplorable mania for analysis exhausts me. i doubt everything — even my doubt.



1.19.26 11:15pm
the 24 hour time system makes way more sense.



1.17.26 11:18pm
out of the blue and into the black



1.16.26 2:27pm
Shu Qi smoking cigarettes.



1.16.26 1:43pm
imagine wandering up and down the forest 
without industry, without speech and without home.



1.15.26 11:39am
distressed leather and scratches on stainless steel 



1.14.26 10:15pm
i could stare at tiepolo paintings all night long. to me he's the most charming artist of all time.



1.14.26 5:24pm
Crystal Castles - Char
i wanna be perfect



1.14.26 4:37pm
blindfold tightrope act in the shape of a circle



1.13.26 9:20am
rewatched marie antoinette with zoe. i forgot how refreshing it felt to have modern stylistic decisions in a period piece. the ending aims towards beauty. creative apathy can be comfortable and easy, but it degrades the soul. 



1.10.26 6:18pm
i spend so much time alone in complete silence.
i'd like to have a pretty wife and a kid someday. 
i dont want to be alone anymore.



1.9.26 12:00pm
was inspired by a catholic monk in the documentary into great silence to try writing in cursive this year. suprisingly, i can still do it but its not fluid. i prefer a normal S over a cursive one and i dont like the loops in g's and y's so i'll create my own style. everyones handwriting is a font when you think about it. 



1.9.26 8:54am
precaution is usually given for the chance to say i told ya so.



1.8.26 3:09pm
john "how to achieve anything effortlessly" doe



1.6.26 5:12am
Absofacto - If You Want
there is a life to be lived, and a life to be dreamt of living.
give an equal amount of attention to both?



1.6.26 4:58am
by rare chance, a neet can blossom into a hermit. 



1.4.26 10:25am
when you're removed from vanity you realize ugliness is objective.



1.4.26 8:39am
the year of sun, prayer, olive oil, harmony, abstinence, excerpts, pushups, eggs, mandarins, patience and moderation.



1.1.26 8:42am
good morning



12.31.25 9:21am
olive oil pulls ancient visions out of my dna. such a nice smell, same with sumi ink. they have a gentle elderly quality i cant explain right now.



12.31.25 7:51am
ESOTERIC FREEMASONIC ALCHEMICAL LUNAR CYCLE SEED FARMING :aware:



12.30.25 8:27am
and for the people in the back, inaction is the highest form of self-disrespect.



12.30.25 6:33am
you must treat yourself like the main character. one of the best sentiments to come out of the past 5 years honestly, just not in a prideful way. most people have nothing better to talk about than the achievements of others.





12.27.25 6:53pm
Yung Lean & Bladee - Golden God (live)
we might be moving soon, that would be refreshing but im not getting my hopes up.
the cityscape in the mirage might actually be real.



12.27.25 4:00am
fasting (of the) eyes



12.24.25 10:06pm
i love music and movies and books and book covers and design and art and language and people and animals and water and tea and suffering and sadness and joy and freedom and hot showers and sleep and failing and embarassment and knowledge and opinions and collecting and sharing, god did a pretty good job. my only goal next year is to simplify my thinking and live a less sporadic life. through health and clarity you can accomplish anythinhg. moderation is fulfillment. 



12.24.25 9:20pm
i dont think ill be able to find a better picture for next years banner.
classic billy murray, i meant to watch scrooge this month but forgot.



12.24.25 3:45pm
Tokyo Blood (1993)
found a version of tokyo blood that hasnt been compressed to hell and back, uploaded it to archive.org for anyone interested. i ran the .mkv through handbrake to burn-in subtitles on the .mp4, i also did that because i know people would much rather stream the video instead of downloading. it lost its graininess in the export so i had to tweak some settings which was fun, feels like i got pretty close. still, i recommend downloading the .mkv it looks slightly better imo. whatever you do dont watch it through the archive video player, just click on MPEG4. also found a 35mm scan of blade runner, its a christmas miracle. happy holidays :)





12.15.25 6:10pm
"the wicked like everything obfuscated 
and clusterfucked and complicated." - avril lavigne



12.13.25 3:25pm
chronic yesterdays & loyal tomorrows



12.12.25 5:03pm

my subconscious to me everyday at 1pm 



12.11.25 4:38pm
YAYAYI - 333%
mr. yi is my favorite korean (hes the only korean i know besides kim jong un.)



12.9.25 5:19pm
exhausted with people who are afraid to be taken seriously. 
how long do you plan on prefacing a "hot take" with a hesitant laugh?
same with creatives who make things bad on purpose to avoid any real crit. 
(inb4 its my style bro) good and bad is objective, hehe
name a single time a throw-away or "something i made on a whim" has done anything for anyone, literally ever?
irony is stale, its ok to try :)



12.8.25 7:12am
the flood of precise information and brand new amusements make people smarter and more stupid at once.



12.7.25 11:44am
tom platz.



12.7.25 7:10am
the early birds and the birds
im not myself until ive had my morning internet.



12.6.25 3:28pm
dj poolboi - i had it all
this war will never end, i just know it



12.4.25 6:31pm
it rained all day. reading vurt by jeff noon, super kitschy sci-fi wording but it has charm. makes me realize how difficult it is to write something fresh that stands the test of time. im enjoying it nevertheless. 



12.3.25 7:23am
Piranesi. - 060. Signal From the Arctic, Colorful Cosmic Whispers.
"cold as hell" - mom



11.27.25 10:18am
happy thanksgiving everyone. make today count, put the phone away and take it all in. whether you're with family or completely alone, do something you love. 
be a hedonistic freak and pass out on the couch for 3 hours. 
life is pain, work is a struggle and happiness is short-lived but we continue to strive. let today, at the very least, be a relief. 
yesterdays failure and tomorrows doubt are miles away.



11.25.25 1:53am
"I trained successors. But i couldn't let go, I devoured them. I devoured their talent. There was no one left to take over. The studio devours people. That was my destiny, I ate them all." - Hayao Miyazaki



11.25.25 9:21pm
John Maus - Hey Moon
bedroom roadtrip



11.24.25 9:16am
it was easier for hitler to start ww2 than it was for him to face a blank canvas



11.23.25 5:18am - rainbow noir
grains of sanctity run through the fingertips of the great glass man
he squeezes both hands into a fist for 10,000 years, never letting go
an obstructed flow of purity grows dark and cold 
the great lake that once reflected his blinding golden light against the sun is now an obsidian silhouette
releasing his grip, he unleashes an eternal sea of malice onto the world below
one final tear ripples across the void echoing up into his hollow shell
the great glass man lurches forward one last time before twisting into a backwards fall
his body shatters throughout the cloudless sky into a brilliant crystal mist
glittering fragments chime above the black absorb



11.22.25 7:06pm
what is your name? - the now now and never
people talk too much



11.20.25 8:42pm
Have A Nice Life - Holy Fucking Shit: 40,000
man oh man



11.20.25 5:07pm
the only belief i hold is for that which i cannot see.



11.20.25 10:19am
for the computer-nerd theres naturally a kind of computer thinking because the computer is an incredibly psychological machine. simply having my phone in my pocket gives me an overwhelming feeling that its stealing a very important aspect of life.



11.18.25 9:24pm
whats really hard to discover isnt style, but exceptions.



11.15.25 2:46pm
i once heard an animator at studio khara respond to the question, "whats one piece of advice you have for someone who wants to work on evangelion?" he said, "continue to love eva" — meaning, don’t ruin it for yourself.
your only goal as an artist is to create something that isnt boring, because 90% of creation is. luckily, the 10% is capable of changing lives; therefore, the 'risk' is worth it.
uncertainty, humiliation and frustration are all required to make anything worth looking at.



11.14.25 1:31pm
one final glance before the clock strikes never



11.14.25 1:46m
Elliott Smith - Clementine (Live on Breakfast Time 1995)
died laughing while watching buffalo '66 with my sister.
grief is striped, i love her very much.



11.12.25 11:35pm
it bothers me at how frequently the word depression gets thrown around. for so long i refused to believe it even existed, any emotion in permanence has felt far too dramatic to be real. maybe this was a way to avoid it from happening or to ignore its existence, many people have asked me if im depressed in my life but i genuinley never felt like i was. everyone that says they have depression comes off as totally self-absorbed and insufferable, its hard for me to feel bad for someone who is practically begging for sympathy. i just don’t know, when i interact with other people now i go into a coma of normality and wake up the second im alone. it feels like the interaction never happened. ironically, the moment everyone stops asking if im depressed is when i actually feel depressed. not sad, physically and mentally depressed. my libido is non-existent. it feels like a month could pass without me even knowing it. now i understand that its not "any emotion in permanence", its a complete lack of emotion all together. i refuse to take SSRIs so maybe it will just disappear? i try my best to avoid things that negatively affect me. i don’t smoke, i don’t do drugs, i don’t drink. i get enough sleep every night, work out frequently, shower everyday, pray and eat good yet still feel this way. what the fuck am i supposed to do? is it time to stare into the abyss? do i question every norm, go complete schzio and assume everything as far as drinking 6 glasses of water a day is a psyop? im at a loss for words. the confusion outweighs the misery completely. like am i deficient in some random ass vitamin? idk, i still have things to be thankful for so i guess i’ll ride this out, what other choice do i have. i could come on here and complain about it over and over again but i doubt that would make it any better. quilted memories.



11.11.25 10:39pm
she made snow angels in the whites of my eyes



11.10.25 4:04am
you have full permission to berate me, though i’d rather you didn’t need it.



11.8.25 10:30pm
John Farnham w Little River Band - Reminiscing
the white man in question.



11.6.25 11:34pm
Vangelis - Reve



11.4.25 12:37pm


"something a snake would say"



11.4.25 12:31pm
fissured remains of an era that predates my own



11.3.25 11:51pm
quiet understanding. theres comes a time when nothing more needs to be said.



11.3.25 11:37am
enjoyed the howatson translation of the symposium. common love is like a neon sign, its vibrant and tangible. heavenly love is completely blind, your eyes dont guide this form of love. most of us are common lovers but im confident we can learn to see through the meaningless of vanity and shallow pleasure.



11.3.25 10:11am
as i was pouring my coffee a ray of light shot through the blinds into my cup, it looked heavenly. this cup will protect my hands from turning blue and falling off.



11.2.25 1:14am
deleted my porn folder. what a nightmare its been. 
easily accesible porn is rape. hyper-sexualized freak society!
living is not a goal. you will never magically wake up and be the person you want to be. the champagne pop you're waiting for will never come.
to be honest, its feels very masochistic. maybe ive become so de-sensitized that i now derive pleasure from rejecting. i hope it doesnt sound like some burning man double peace sign stoner voice open your third eye duuuudee, but when i resist the urge to do something negative (not only lust, it could be writing instead of watching a movie) i feel this vibrating glow around my body. 
every emotion intensifies, like ive been depriving my spirit of a grace period to repair itself. 
we are a product of society, experience and thoughts.
none of these exist because they have to or should, they only exist because its what feels most comfortable or "correct". normal does not equal good. 
ALSO, you'd be a fool to think you can moderate a poisonous system. the whole marketing strategy is to get you to consume for as long as humanly possible. no one smokes 2 cigarettes a day. 

i dont mean for this to come across as holier than thou or all-knowing, its more of a way to scream at myself. as is this entire site, really.



10.31.25 10:57pm
do you ever pretend to be someone else because you're tired of being yourself?
what does it mean when the mask doesn't fit?



10.29.25 5:03pm
The Lazarus Plot
@notrivia3862 2 years ago
In Ukraine, energy drinks containing alcohol are still available for a free purchase at the supermarket. Drinking this kind of shit is kind of selfharm, and this is exactly what I am doing listening to this album. I'm feeling very lonely in this country for some political reasons which are not worth explaining, and this music just hits me right in the head. I dream about a cosmopolitan world, both without country borders and borders between people, and I also dream of becoming one with my bed and never feeling anything again



10.29.25 1:05pm
Thieves Like Us - Drugs In My Body
the wind keeps blowing acorns into my window



10.28.25 1:03pm
it feels nice to be back on track. the loneliness is in full effect though, i want it to feel like its you and me against the world. 
unused love coils.



10.25.25 11:53am
your thoughts can kill you faster than any bullet.



10.24.25 3:32am
Brave Little Abacus - Pile! No Pile! Pile!
resistance through anger makes me feel alive.
doctor, doctor, this city is nonexistent!



10.23.25 10:18am
red pen, please.



10.21.25 10:28am
Lovely Summer Chan - あなたは煙草　私はシャボン



10.20.25 7:33pm
record breaking lows. i have never felt more dissoriented in my entire life. nothing seems right. im repusled by who i am. it feels like im trying to break out of an egg made of concrete. 
is this what change feels like? lets splay our reality, together.



10.20.25 4:58am
Susumu Hirasawa - Gats
half agony, half hope



10.19.25 1:10am
the prole olympics 



10.18.25 4:50am
Girlfriends - Untitled #3




10.17.25 12:42am
constantly aware that my heart is beating. feels like there's a 10ft gap between my body and mind. 



10.16.25 5:19pm
fishing in video games.
love is a 1% drop rate.



10.15.25 9:19pm
Nite Jewel - Nowhere To Go
ok maybe they're not sociopaths, but there is something very sinister about people who relish in being totally impartial. 
it reminds me of hideaki in the battle of sekigahara. he waited on the mountain for hours, watching the battle unfold — unsure which side to join. 



10.15.25 1:00pm
AGI is impossible. we dont even understand our own spirit, these people in silicon valley are 85 iq copium addicts. WE'RE ONLY A COUPLE YEARS AWAY! 
sure man, i saw an ai ad the other day on prime and it was for sports betting. sam altman is a sociopath who seems to be passive aggresivley enraged that he's forced to live in elons shadow. oh and lex freakman too. narcisist at the very least, literal blank canvas of a human. hahaha. dude talks for a living and can barely form a sentence. *pinches forehead and quotes dostoevsky*



10.14.25 10:10pm
Bobby is about to abandon Tessa, but in a suicidal panic she persuades him to stay one last night and reenact the good old times in front of a video camera for posterity.


10.13.25 8:38am

Tiepolo, Rinaldo Enchanted by Armida (1742-1745)


10.11.25 9:15am
Piranesi. - 060. Signal From the Arctic, Colorful Cosmic Whispers.



10.11.25 12:20am
being saved is inelegant.
elegance is more important than suffering.



10.11.25 12:05am
starting to believe the life i want to live is a delusion. 
gonna try and finish the year off strong, surely the void in my chest cant get any bigger.



10.9.25 2:42am
Sea Oleena - On Possession
a dead leaf with no chance of turning green again. being held hostage by the wind. maybe some kid will walk by and burn a hole into me with a magnifying glass.



10.9.25 2:39am

i had no clue. i feel like a dead leaf.



10.7.25 9:57pm
John Maus - Rarities For The Road
we've had fun



10.7.25 1:32am
if you think about how much time we've spent on social media and compare that to how many things we remember while using it, you would want to drive straight to the nearest hardware store and casually browse the hemp rope coils with one finger on your chin. lets not think about it tho.
it hit me like a flash just now, you know how smokers quit after a change in mindset or how a crossed eye gets corrected after being hit in the head. 
build the great wall of china in your mind and guard it with 10,000 rambo clones and give them all dirtbikes. the mongolians are LITERALLY short form content and mark saturnburger is the ghengis khan of time thievery. hahahaha



10.7.25 1:23am
nothing feels more superficial than trying to recreate a fond memory. 
memories are better off treated like fantasies, just be thankful you have them.



10.6.25 2:26pm
Soutaisei Riron - My Heart Hard Pinch



10.6.25 12:34am
to unwind or to unravel



10.5.25 12:51pm
theres something to say about a band that is more comfortable performing live than in a studio. its hard to translate the energy of a live show into an album which is why they're almost always unheard of. you see this alot with midwest emo and underground/highschool bands from japan.



10.5.25 12:20pm
フジロッ久(仮) - はたらくおっさん
flickrscrolling



10.4.25 12:04pm
neocities seems dull compared to a couple years ago, kinda sad. lazybones, floppyslounge and internetbasedghosts inspired me alot. it was alwats meant to be a personal style blog but velvetblue inspired me to be more vulnerable and express my raw emotions, i really appreciated her site for that. no matter what you're saying, authenticity is important. its easy to supress opinion or just add funny gifs and flashing blinkies (which is fine and probably less mentally taxxing lmao) but ive understood more about myself just by giving my thoughts a permanent place to live. i guess this can be done with journaling or something more private but ive been more consistent this way for some reason. possiblebitmaps.com inspired the simplicity to a degree but i saw how much of a vicious cycle themeing can be. if anything causes burnout its gotta be that lol. taking a month to create a theme you're happy with only to change it 3 months later. it felt like i was switching the color of a folder that never received any new files. i cant wait to have years of logs. thats why i use midori notebooks, one day ill have a seamless shelf of the same journal spanning my entire life. constants are good.



10.4.25 11:00pm
ive been creating a mental list of phrases that need to come back.
No problemo!
Good Day, Sir!
Pardon?
Well, hell.
Good grief.
callings people you dont like "crumbs"
Bastard
only speaking in metaphors lmao



10.4.25 10:47pm
religion has provided us with the most beautiful stories throughout history. conviction is the single most important aspect of telling a compelling story and living a life of fulfillment. im not saying every religion is a fictional story. depending on what you believe, these were real events that took place. my point is that faith alone is able to create beautiful strings of thought, teach valuable lessons and compell people to create ethereal art. regardless of your religion or lack thereof, i think it would be naive to disagree.



10.4.25 1:44am
why aren't book covers like movie posters? why do they change?
im sure there's an answer but dont tell me. tyvm!



10.3.25 3:26pm
John Maus - Just Wait Til Next Year



10.3.25 12:50pm
blasphemy will not be forgiven. people usually comprehend this as a one shot deal. once its done, you are no longer allowed into heaven. i think this is a shallow understanding when you compare it to gods ultimate forgiveness.
blasphemy is a hardening of the soul. blasphemy is the dismissal of god over the course of a lifetime, making it impossible for him to reach you. for he hasnt't given up on you but instead you have crafted a shield so strong that it deflects the voice of god.



10.01.25 12:17pm
ano – Fuhen / THE FIRST TAKE
murmur



09.30.25 12:30pm
what id do to abandon myself into your hands
yes u



09.30.25 9:25am
recent findings uncover ancient dialogue between king andronius tatis and a lowly peasant family. it reads "hath his entire bloodline beheadeth for which he is a brokie." after, he promptly asked the wife "what was the hue of his bugratti?" before following the same fate of her husband.


09.29.25 2:30pm
Destiny OST - Main Menu Theme
destiny 1 was the last game with killer perfect art direction. i dont even think thats an exaggeration, if you played the game you know. such good times.



09.29.25 12:54pm
The Motifs - Cross Paths



09.28.25 8:24pm
just gonna write. the empty feeling has turned into complete disarray. im not sure it even matters to be honest because the world still spins regardless. strangely i have more drive than ever but nothing comes of it. i spend all day in total confusion, not in a nihilistic way but just a lack of understanding. i constantly ask myself what am i doing. not "why" just what. my mind has never felt this desperate. im waiting for something to click or fall into place. the modernity of my never-changing life feels like a pool of quicksand and ive only just realized im almost in over my head. maybe im im limbo between the next stage of my life. i dont feel alive and im not sure what more i can do to change that. i dont wanna live here but i dont want to leave either nor do i know where to go lol. people really have this shit figured out dont they? or do they? its not like im even trying to decipher anything i just want to live my life without squinting my eyes at everything i see. social media is aids, design is souless, architecture might as well be unreal engine assets. society is in complete psychosis as to what really matters. simple lives are rejected, anyone with a sliver or knowledge(not wisdom) on a subject is worshipped and best of all people are more unhappy than theyve ever been. depression and suicide rates are higher than they have ever been yet we refuse to reject evolution. they people tilling farms with horses were clearly happier so who is the arbiter of right and wrong. is it just ego that makes us seem superior, as if hard-work isnt what creates happiness, as long as its towards a greater goal obviously. we have sooo much free time now, machines wash out clothes, drones deliver our mail and our phones are now a helpful companion but what do we do with all this time? we complain about how bad it is when we arent completley absorbed with information we wont even remeber in 3 days. the ideal futuristic world were heading towards is anti-human. acutal brave new world future. nothing will stop it and that ok, it probably wont even happen in my lifetime but screaming into the void feels nice sometimes. if the evolution of tech and quality of life seemingly make us less happy while turning insane profit, do you really believe it will stop? 
people with brain chips that block negative emotions and have systems built-in to feel constantly elated will look back at us and scoff at how primal something so similar to them could be. imagine being surrounded by micro-dossing mushroom people with mandala tattoos hahaha. 

i watched the night is short, walk on girl earlier and liked it, reminded me of tatami galaxy.

does that discredit everything i just said LMAO? 

man, writing feels better than talking sometimes. good night



09.27.25 1:23pm
general confusion



09.25.25 4:19pm
the art of annual reports and 35mm shadows



09.22.25 7:09am
simplicity maxxing this site holyyyy its so clean



09.24.25 1:44pm
a man on a thousand-mile walk has to forget his ultimate goal and say to himself every morning, "Today im going to cover twenty-five miles then rest up and sleep."



09.23.25 8:55am
Silver Fins - Waiting so long



09.22.25 7:09am
soulseek makes me feel like a merchant on the silk road. 



09.21.25 9:58pm
this whole year has felt like a puzzle missing one single piece. i watch the strands float around but fail to see why or how they connect in any real way. still enjoy adding to this place, i can never decide on what to add vs what to leave on my computer. wouldnt want to make this a dumping grounds for everything, i feel like it can be more...idk. files hidden in folders on my c drive rot away only to be found months later and by that point the initial thought is so far off its impossible to further the idea. at least the things on here have a certain level of integrity that forces me to see it and fix/change. maybe its bc i know people are reading it and i have a fear of being misunderstood, or maybe i find vaguery annoying.  anywho, seems like this will be a nice fall. dusting off the old playlists. wish i could be there for a stranger sometimes. skip all the shit that is required in the first couple months of knowing someone...yknow? 



09.21.25 9:48pm
yr so cool!



09.20.25 2:13pm
feeling indifferent. not hungry, not thirsty, not driven or paralyzed, not overthinking or bored. literally just existing. i could just zone out for hours and not realize it. i feel patient, if that makes sense. im still going about my day normally and all. maybe ive reached a point where all thats left is to just do the things that bring me closer to my goals. ive exhasuted myself of planning, thinking, second-guessing, comparing and wasting time. i would always catch myself being insanely tense randomly and i notice it happen less now. 
dont know why. the comfort of silence feels nice.



09.20.25 9:02am
Betelmire - Polyester Tea
beauty never runs out



09.19.25 5:23pm
monotasking



09.17.25 8:18am
1-800-365-pain



09.16.25 6:41am
Com Truise - Glawio
blindingly bright days ahead. squint is a weird word. what if you spent more time thinking about that future instead of the past? id love to be in a field split in half by blue and green, together. wish for moments that might not ever happen, its comforting. delusion maxxing.



09.14.25 12:31pm
SAINT PEPSI - Cherry Pepsi
this aint pepsi



09.14.25 9:33am
soft delicate scars running vertically alongside her warm tears.



09.13.25 3:07am
realized the other day that the movie HER isnt too far from existing. 
cold wave of disgust.



09.13.25 3:07am
if only



09.12.25 7:12am
Foxtails - III
how could i forget



09.12.25 6:34am
 
cold mornings return. obligatory fall albums.
i wish the best for everyone out there, genuinely. 
life is a gift wrapped in thorns.



09.10.25 10:39am
some people looove pointing out how much of an outcast you are. 



09.08.25 5:58pm
Count Basie - Li'l Darlin'



09.08.25 6:32am - in vain
ever since my nana passed, mom hasn't had anyone other than me and my sister. her dad decided to drop in out of the blue. he pulled into the yard, honked once and after a couple minutes pulled out. made no real attempt to talk which shows how little he cared, guess he thought to drop by because he was in the area. why even stop if you dont care enough to get out? hes a workaholic and treats everyone like an employee. they were really close at one point but apparently when family drifts apart they become nothing more than strangers. shes very passionate and gets fiery because its hard to admit how much it truly hurts. i try to talk her down in a cold sterile way by explaining it's just who he has become and it's not an attack towards her, but fuck that. count on me to be rational against completely valid feelings. i hate myself for it. such a cold, morally superior fence-sitting way to think. not everyone needs a lecture on how the world works when they're unhappy. why can't i just hug her and say yea fuck him. 
it's sickening to see people yearn for the love they deserve. the only love you're obligated to is that of your parents. as cold as this place can be you'd expect the people who decided to bring you into this world would be there. he didnt even tell her happy birthday. how hard is it to do the bare minimum?
"my dad didnt even wish me happy birthday." 
what even is that sentence? read it 3 times and think of how insane it sounds. 
the further someone slips away the less i care, for most people it's the opposite. you're lucky to have even one person you can count on.



09.08.25 1:23am
hearing anyone over the age of 40 complain about something not working out for them and instantly believing they didnt try hard enough. 
it didnt work for me so avoid it at all costs young people! freaks.



09.06.25 7:18am
haven't been to sleep. preparing to conquer the world, as it typically goes.
mr and mrs time sure do run an unforgiving ship. scary how fast life goes when you're not paying attention. deciding if i should rewatch all the eva movies this weekend or just stare blankly at my ceiling. 



08.30.25 5:51pm
unite at the hill atop this burning city. 
nothings changed.



08.30.25 5:51pm
day in, day out
the sky does its usual dance between warm blues
inconsistent mowing of lawns
overgrowth that didn't exist when we moved in
mental barricades 
dermatillomania
barbed wire crown



08.30.25 1:28pm
Chastity Belt - Caught in a Lie
pleasant



08.29.25 9:09pm
 
the fuck?



08.28.25 11:32pm
Lorn - SEGA SUNSET
sometimes i start stringing sentences together that make me look completley schizophrenia. i dont want people to think im schizo, because im not. but maybe thats what a schizo person would say? who cares
the combination of words has become one of my favorite art forms. 
the duality of things that have nothing in common but make perfect sense.



08.27.25 8:13am
i had this strange feeling that all my favorite midwest emo mixes on youtube disappeared. download things u love guys!



08.21.25 2:50pm
newfound interest in field recordings



08.21.25 12:35am
REMINDER: dont stalk the people you went to hs with on instagram.



08.19.25 12:58pm
putting people on to kino instead of gatekeeping>



08.18.25 1:44am
HOOOLY SHIT IM AT A BJORK CONCERT!!



08.18.25 1:35am
windows has mono audio turned on by default and IT TOOK ME 7 YEARS TO FIGURE THAT OUT. dude ive never heard music like this without headphones it feels like bjork is in my bedroom right now 



08.17.25 1:48pm
Charlie Kosei - Que Sera Sera
katamari damacy was super enjoyable. such a nice time. makes life slow down a bit, i recommend playing it before summer ends.
forgot how charming the ps2 was. i havent been in the mood to play video games in a long while but i might have to dedicate the weekends to some classic gaming. really nice to just disappear for a while.



08.16.25 10:44am
all about lily chou-chou except the guy is in the kuwait tire fields.



08.15.25 9:50pm
Leila - Underwaters
you can't spoil a good day with bad berries. 



08.11.25 9:50am
chart with downwards trend that never plateaus



08.10.25 12:03am
Marconi Union - Weightless



08.09.25 1:02pm
children of tommorow will be raised in amazon basic warehouses. mismatched furniture from relatives, gargae sales and the one unexplainable table is a blip in the timeline of america. the future is here, the utopia we've all been waiting for. Finally! 1 hour assembly time...NO WAY! why would anyone want the bookshelf your great-grandpa built that has lasted 50 years? what you really need is a shelf made entirely from recycled parchment paper — painstakingly crafted using ancient wisdom from the heart of china...but wait, heres the kicker. literally everything will now include 3 usb ports and a complete dolby atmos sound system!!
(the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train)



08.05.25 1:16am
unknown friends will come and seek you.



08.04.25 12:28pm
FRIENDZONE - REBOOT
this song makes me want to rewatch eva. 
true evil will always operate under the guise of a heroes cape.
(last thought b4 i went to sleep last night)



08.02.25 11:10am
Michael Jackson - Off the Wall
consumerism is at an all time low. it'd be alot easier to destroy (enjoy) myself with good advertisements and mascots like moon man and joe camel rooting me on. we dont even get that anymore. least intelligent evil corp decision ever. 
"lets worsen the quality of their beloved products to save money."
americana degeneracy isnt even worth it anymore but the alternative is the loaded pretentiousness of a cold, hard, lettuce wrap crunchhh. 
tilt your head back, feel the last drop of matcha disappear, and just for a moment you'll believe you're miles ahead of everyone around you.
man. she really is the main character!



08.01.25 3:54pm
august first...yeah, right.



07.31.25 10:26am
tried a zyn and was on the verge of puking for 3hrs, what the fuck is happening. you cant tell me cigarettes are worse than vape chemicals from china or nicotine pouches that give you heart palpatations after 6-months.
embrace tradition. coffee and cigarettes. 
only respectable trait of the french hehehe



07.29.25 10:50am
Haruomi Hosono - Sports Men
Who you are is a concept that has no grounding in the physical reality. Your identity is imaginary, and thus can exist either eternally or momentarily. The preservation, destruction, creation and manipulation of your identity and thus your fluid physical form and environment are exclusively under your direct power. 



07.28.25 8:01am
"My schedule for today lists a six-hour self-accusatory depression," Iran said.



07.26.25 7:58pm
thinking about how they took 4:3 away from us. irate.



07.26.25 11:34am
my mind is becoming a booby trapped maze with no exit.
blow dart pressure plates, grenade trip wires, vietnam ankle spikes, pits of death, quicksand, saranwrap door ways, death star garbage compactors.
so on and so forth... y'know?



07.24.25 6:15am
The Smiths - Back to the Old House
pine walls before remodeling. doorway knight. ps2 cd stack. cold pleather couch. yelling. space heaters. the wooden staircase. looking over my left shoulder in the 4runner. blanket of fear. repo savior.



07.23.25 2:35pm
2 chairs and a table. white street light, no longer yellow. wet air. dry conversation. distant noise from the highway. crickets. the guy that leaves for work at 2am on his motorcycle but slowly idles without reving until hes out of the neighbourhood. sunlight shooting through the tiny hole in the blind at 9am directly into my eye. lip biting. tea.



07.22.25 11:47pm
the pangloss had anosognosia. who knew.



07.22.2025 2:46am
she was a SuicideSheep girl  
he was a NoCopyrightSounds boy



07.22.2025 12:01am
(search) before:(insert year) for better youtube results



07.18.2025 3:47pm
flames of desire burn ultra-viole(n)t   



07.17.2025 7:25am
 
7 minutes later   



07.17.2025 7:18am

me rn   



07.14.2025 9:35pm
some things never change, do they? maybe this is why it takes so long to grow into yourself. ive been fighting against a constant for so long.   



07.07.2025 11:28pm
XxiAvoidMirrorsxX   



07.05.2025 1:32am
Jejune - Regrets are Unanswered Dreams
the potential of it all, as paralyzing as it is inspiring. waiting for the backhand with a smile.   



07.01.2025 9:18am
an idea demands respect. if you are incapable of detaching yourself from what you do, good luck! its really hard to ignore your creative dysmorphia but the alternative is a lifetime of meddling and resentment. the process of creation is more than enough to get you home. all the doubt, fear, embarrassment, expectation and comparing is pointless and serves zero purpose. being authentic requires no explanation.   



06.29.2025 11:34am
the book-keeper of our minds library hates dusting but he loves stimulants.   



06.05.2025 2:00pm
Everyone Asked About You 
in need of a real friend. just one. part of my brain tells me to keep working hard but the other half tells me to take a year to make up for my youth before its too late. i just need someone to do it with, why do it alone? ive always told myself that traveling is just running away but ive barely even left my state. 
i need a change of pace, even if its just for a week.



06.01.2025 12:25pm
it hurts to see people get swept under by the same current im standing in. no matter how many life jackets i throw, would they even grab on? is it selfish to think they want/need my help? some people never asked for the hand they were dealt.



05.31.2025 3:41pm
the glittering sea looked like a field of snow.



05.24.2025 12:11am
The American Analog Set - Punk as Fuck
distant laughs will guide us in the right direction. our memories will keep us warm when it gets cold. 
let us all grow old and ugly, together.



05.19.2025
Tokenainamae - Fresh Discommunication
i get these sudden urges to purge everything other than my mattress and computer. this site feels so clean compared to the rest of my life lmao.



05.17.2025 - blue
Tacoma Radar - Falling Dead Stars
maybe through the belief that suffering is necessary in this life, i’ve developed this weird phantom thread relationship with pain and discomfort. i’m at the point where i don’t want it to happen, but when it does, i kind of wallow in it. i really don’t think it’s masochistic either — i just accept it. 
ive spent so long fighting this battle against myself, I have a spirt that is deeply attracted to sadness that i cant pretend to ignore anymore. not in a crippling way or a depressed way even but just a general attraction towards things that make me feel sad. during these moment I feel genuinely alive, like i’m a real person or something in the most dramatic way possible. i genuinely prefer this state right now and maybe i always will.
sadness isn’t something that needs to be avoided. too much of anything is bad, even emotion. i think that’s when it becomes unmanageable. im sure the things i consume play a part in that. i don’t want to die. i find the world so beautiful, and i hope to flourish with everyone around me — but thinking that’s possible like this might be a delusion.
my body feels like an anchor. sometimes i imagine the world stopping its rotation for a moment and watching everything around me blow away. it’s hot in my room and i can’t sleep. what’s stopping me from turning on the ac?



05.15.2025
Moe Shop - You Look So Good
leafy didnt age well but this did.



05.08.2025
someone said i looked like a joan of arc portrait. ill take that i guess lmao.



05.06.2025
Oasis - Talk Tonight
lets burn our bridge from both sides, this loneliness is torment. it is what it is?



05.01.2025
Flight Facilities - Clair De Lune
im allowed to succeed. im allowed to live the life i want to live. sometimes it seems so hopeless but i have to remind myself of this almost maniacally to 
avoid sliding back down into the pit of despair that always seems to be one step behind me. its fucking exhausting to see people exist so comfortably.



04.30.2025
would you still love me if i was a worm? would you kill me if i was a demon? if i was myself would it be enough?



04.30.2025
Underworld - Sola Sistim
unreal. april comes to a close and im losing steam. i cant quit.



04.25.2025
life is like runescape in reverse, skilling from 1-10 is way harder than 10-99. everything is def a skill though, ive come to realize that even thinking is a skill. walking around all day De-buffed and dont even realize it smh.



04.24.2025
Greenflow - Every Single Time I Dream 
the 70s produced such a natural sense of calm that i dont feel in any other era of music. its flows so well through the silence of life. im never sad when songs like this end. its not trying to make a statement or over stay its welcome. so good.



04.23.2025
Autechre - Warp Tapes 89-93
beep de de bu do dooo dooo



04.20.2025
Playboi Carti - WE NEED ALL DA VIBES!
the chinese girl with the tounge ring.



04.17.2025
my uncle modded my face onto the side of a banshee in halo 1 on my moms pc, blood gulch is the best map ever made.



04.12.2025
i told an ex family member i still loved them today, felt like they needed to hear it.



04.09.2025
baja blast is an actual mana potion.



04.05.2025 - subconcious turnout
Grimes - Zoal, Face Dancer
at the end of the road in my old house there was a railroad track. i loved hearing it go by. it made me feel like i lived in a big city for some reason, especially at night. 10 years ago we moved. our new house had a train farther away that you could still hear but no where near our road.for the past 10 years, every time i heard the distant whistle of the train at the new house i would visualize it passing by down the road just like at my old house. literally 10 years. as i was coming back from a walk, i looked all the way down my street. the same street ive driven up and down a million times. the thought of a train dosent really enter your mind until you hear one, so like every other time before i was just seeing an empty road. coincidentally, that same night i heard a whistle and it finally connected.i have never felt like the world was more of a lie than in that moment. subconscious, perception and the focus we give to things really make up most of our existence. our past plays such a huge part in how we view the world. all the way down to our habits. this really gave way to the last entry. if we can "train" (hehe) our minds to believe something then after a while it becomes our reality.



04.04.2025 - gamble!
BRG - C11. TOUCH GRASS 
the weight of the world.
expectation, the unknown, societal standards, self-fulfillment, defeat, victory, to grow, to die. when looked at from above, its seems simple yet overwhelming. a couple words are the foundation to your future. it can be kinda liberating to see it all right there but its good to know that these things are the fabric of reality...not a goal. you will win, but you will also lose, people will die and children will be born. all of these things will exist until the end of time and its up to us to determine how we deal with them.
the momentary feeling of thinking of it all at once can feel like a literal meteorite crashing into the side of your head. i think moments like that have sent me spiraling more than anything, the flood of thought is created by us, we create the meteorite lmao.
i notice myself becoming frantic sometimes, scrambling to make up for lost time. patience really is a virtue, but knowing how to be patient is a blessing. the spirit of a gambling man is driven by 2 things, winning and continuing. defeat doesn't exist in the mind of a gambler for the jackpot is only one spin away. we should all live life as if we have what we want. ive found that by believing you're the person you strive to be not only allows you to realize the goal easier but it makes the ride alot more enjoyable.
ive become exhausted by the idea of a goal or a destination, i really think if you want something bad enough the world has no choice but to give it to you. the stoic "lock in" Andrew Tate advice-giver freaks make my brain literally turn to jello. how long can they possibly go on talking about what to do and how to do it? if you are constantly thinking about how to achieve something, when will you relinquish yourself to the process of getting there? the greatest teacher is doing, not David Goggins bruh. blow your knees out kids! haha, gotta love dave. naturally, there's a little masochism needed to reject sin and all but cmon.
anywho, just clearing out the cobwebs, wanting to change the site again bc im perma-dissatisfied.
we should all treat life like a jackpot thats already been won. to breathe is to win.
(i know gambling is one of the most destructive addictions on earth...its metaphorical guys relax)



04.03.2025
sometimes, as an introvert i wish i could exist in a group of people and observe without them thinking i dont want to be there or feeling like they should include me in the conversation—like, im cool guys just keep talking. is that insane?



03.29.2025
MACマイナス - Updated Floral Experience 
12th floor office building with self-watering ferns.



03.27.2025
creatively, america is so far down the gutter it almost hurts. straight up hanging out with pennywise. im not a patriot but yo, itd be nice.



03.26.2025
detesting the present promises a miserable future.



03.23.2025
KANA-BOON x Necry Talkie - Naimononedari
this song has played constantly in my head for like 2 months



03.22.2025
the thoughtlessness that goes into killing small bugs, something about that seems wrong. you're 10x bigger than that thing why not move it away instead of stepping on it. what if giants were real. i just killed a bug btw.          



03.19.2025
in 2017 i had a crush on a chick that ran a popular meme page on instagram lol



03.19.2025
Drone - Chastity
2016 summer vacation. if only i knew how good it really was.



03.15.2025
notch sold his magnum opus just to buy a willy wonka candy mansion in beverley hills... freak.



03.14.2025
Massive Attack vs. Burial - Paradise Circus
too much to say, just listen.



03.12.2025
stained glass is a lost art, it goes hand in hand with how powerful architecture can be in uplififting humanity. how can you feel negative when you walk through a beam of rainbow sun rays. the fragility also adds to it. when something is eternal it never has the same effect, nothing will ever die on the internet. pages will never yellow. nostaliga really isnt even able to exist because we can just go back to what were thinking about to confirm or deny the emotion.



03.09.25 - puremode
David Bowie - Bring me the Disco King
Its been a while since the 21 day mental fast. Admittingly, I wasnt as strict as I planned to be but I finished it with a deeper understanding of myself, what i want, how i operate and what my life really needs to look like for me to get to where i want to be.

I imagined it would be like a race. Once crossing the finish line you collapse on the ground but really it felt like the person i was at the end of it was who i have always been. Im only realizing this now, its pretty shocking at how quickly you can change your habits. 

The two biggest takeaways are planning your day and authenticity. Being able to trust your gut especially in a creative field is probably the main difference between good and great. To trust your gut is to be yourself and an artist who isnt himself might as well be spiritually dead. How do you expect to uplift humanity without any conviction at all?

I heard someone say however much time you have to complete something is how long it will take. If you're anything like me you can meddle with something and allow your perfectionism to completley take over, setting a time limit avoids wasting time and tunnel vision. If you're working on something that takes multiple hours you can jump around between differnt things. I like the pomodoro method and I used 50/10 for a long time but i think 90/15 might be better.

I finished 1984 for the first time (i know). It was way better than my contrarian brain expected so ill let it sit in my subconcious for a couple months before i write a review. Reading more has also made my brain work better. One day i will have a study filled with books ive read...i dont understand how people go thorugh more than 30 books a year. What is wrong with them? When im 80 i'll sit in a room filled with books i love, even if its just a small pile... that will be enough.

I never had an answer to the question "What drives you more, Fear or Love?" until now.
Love.

Yet I still hum, a buzzing wire.



02.19.2025
Klaus Schulze - Mental Door
my favorite ambient track of all time. wandering through a multi-layer city, you know something they dont.



02.08.2025
Ayla - Ayla
maybe the best trance song ever. poeple are naming their daughter ayla in the comments so you know its good.



02.04.2025
a robot with no purpose is human



02.04.2025
VECTOR GRAPHICS - DESTINE
streetlights go in and out like faded memories, it feels a little unreal.



02.03.2025 - 21
Ace of Bass - Happy Nation
one month into 2025 somehow. its truly liberating to feel that im exactly where i should be based on the efforts ive made. focusing has been hard, but i know its just a battle to reverse the years of programming my brain to run distract.exe every 30 minutes.

i was writing the other day and finally realized that this entire time i was in love with my suffering. i would always get near the idea but i could never put words to it. when i saw a picture of myself from like 11 years ago i could viscerally feel what i was thinking in that moment and realized i had been this way far longer than i let myself believe. the framework of my character for most of my life has been a mixture of inferiority, imposter syndrome and fear of success. the guilt of existing combined with expecting the worst has been like a bear trap clamped around my head. i guess i lived in that state of blame for so long that it stopped hurting. the comfort zone is a rutt and a rutt is a grave.

i always thought positive affirmations were corny and useless but it seems like the only way to fill the hole ive dug. to break up the monotony and challenge myself, im attempting a 21 day mental fast where i only think about what matters most to me. god helps those who help themselves, and to be honest, I haven't done much to help myself at all. if anything ive only worried, and worry is like praying to the devil. one foot in front of the other, dont look up.

hope everyone is staying warm. were all gonna make it



02.02.2025
Reactor Room 0.3 | Dub Techno Mix
red eye to kepler-452b



01.26.2025
the acorns falling on my tin roof could give a vietnam veteran flashbacks



01.26.2025
Red - Fingerprints
sunday morning coding, a russian roulette youtube recommened pick, will listen again.



01.25.2025
the softies - holiday in rhode island
there can never be enough twee. maybe the most refined asthetic in music. birds, fragility and the sound of wind blowing through tall grass. if u like this listen to gregory and the hawk.



01.22.2025
breakcore is playing 2cm away from my eardrum and im still overthinking



01.21.2025 - snow
i live in the south and have never really seen real snow. i guess i did as a kid once but i remember it being more like ice.
my family has been hyping this up for a week now and i thought they were exaggerating but i woke up today and went outside at around 8am and it seemed to be the same shit i saw when i was little. a couple hours later i walked back out and it was actually real powdery snow, the crunch beneath your feet and everything. i felt like guts after he left the hawks. its strange to see something for the first time through your own eyes as an adult. when i see anything on a screen i never register that the feeling would be completely different if it was right in front of me. 
the wind shook the leaves and it looked like silent hill 1. i got a good picture. so much light is being reflected and it makes everything look bright but super low contrast. bleak but beautiful, in a sterile way. everything looks so clean.
its still falling as i write this so hopefully it lasts for a while, ill try to appreciate it as much as possible.
 



01.14.2025
ideas are more valuable than plans



01.18.2025 - umbilical noose
went out to eat for my birthday with my dads side but to make it i had to stay up for 24 hours because my schedule is fucked. bet i looked like a zombie, not sure if thats unusual though.

we talked about sour dough bread, sylvester stallone, seed oils and the movie "rad".

the workers came out with a sombrero and put whip cream on my face as they sang, the free churros were insane though.

i dont listen to nirvana anymore which might be why i havent thought about this in a while but i almost died in utero. the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and they had to do an emergency c-section. my mom always makes it a point to tell me when they pulled me out i was just looking around instead of crying. she always attributes that to why im so calm lol. id like to know if things like that have lasting effects on who you are. even though we dont remember the first 3 years of our life, surely the things we experience play a part in our subconcious.

me and my sister listened to joeyy on the way there, it was a good day.



01.13.2025 - internet
i miss listening to my mom annoy the fuck out of me by playing bruno mars at 6am on our way to school.
i miss riding bikes with the kids on my street.
i miss feeling cold air against the layer of sweat on my skin as i walk through the door before dark.
i miss feeling like i was a part of something.

last entry i talked about making drastic changes and the way i use the internet is one of them. i've allowed it to steal so much time away from me for nothing in return. 
when im reading blogs/forums that are away from the short form content it feels like my brain is actually on. scrolling through instagram makes me feel like im being mentally raped. nothing good has ever come from a twitch stream, instagram reel, or twitter. its sad i have to grow a resentment towards something before i have the ability to stop doing it but im at that point. i obviously lack the self-control to use these things in moderation but it really is the lowest form of  entertainment possible. you have access to every movie, album, book, anime and game every created but you choose to read about your favorite millionaire getting a divorce or the opinion of a guy you dont even like. inherently, the internet isn't bad but most people don't have the awareness to realize this shit is literally giving you adhd.

i will sweat more.
i will write more.
i will think more.

your best ideas are on the other side of the silence you're avoiding.



01.01.2025 - alignment
another year passes by and i have nothing to show for myself. i was flipping through one of my old journals and saw an entry from 1-1-23 and it basically says all the things im still telling myself now. pretty pathetic.october was a great month so it might seem bipolar because it was my last entry but in true fashion i had to find a way to sabotage it. this is a recurring theme in my life ive noticed, when i reach my stride i do something to completely throw it off in attempt to avoid an unexpected failure or maybe im just too insecure to believe it wont fail. its almost sickening at this point. its like the past 2 years have been for nothing. im really tired of being the person i am and always feeling bad about it. im a slave to consumption, dopamine, fear and the past. half the time im too distracted by it to even realize its not who i am. for anything truly significant to happen i need drastic changes in my life. not tip toeing into things so that i can use the excuse that i didn't try or convincing myself im working hard when im not. the pain and misery i feel through change will grant me true fulfillment. i really believe that. almost in a masochistic way as if i deserve it because the only success ive had in my life is letting myself down and making my parents think they did something wrong. im not a stupid person, i know what i want to do and what i need to do to get there, yet im incapable of that. i should feel blessed that i even know what to do, most people don't get that far. i find the world so beautiful. i want to make beautiful things. this could just be another burst of motivation at 3am that lasts 2 days or it will be something i can look back on and say thats where my life changed because if i were to die now i wouldn't have anything to show for it.

maybe this should be another entry but i want to remember that resentment stems from your inability to achieve. the less i evolve the more i start to direct the anger i have for myself towards the world. i cant let this happen.   



12.30.24
organizing....making it right 



11.20.24
authenticity degradation 



11.12.24
I want to play silent hill 3 but my brain dosent allow me to play video games without thinking im wasting time, guess ill just listen to the soundtrack :/ 



11.08.24
when i have a kid i want to create a font set of their letters each year, that would be sick. 



11.03.24
veneers terrify me. 



10.26.24 - change
i feel like this month i've cycled through 10 different personalities. not in a bad way, but in a sense that im realizing new things and changing everyday. 

a quote i heard at the beginning of the month unironically shifted my entire perspective on life.
"get from the day, not through the day" 

i feel like for most of my life i have been so focused on the goal or the future that it completely wiped away years of my life without me even realizing it. sometimes its hard to remember times in my life bc it was spent focusing on everything other than the present. if you are super shy (esp as a kid) and self-conscious, we can all agree it makes you very aware. almost in a crippling way, you observe everyone around you and yourself so much that you become this person that second guesses everything, because you see both sides. it has never been black or white for me, ive lived in a grey cloud my entire life. i envy people who stake their beliefs in the ground. i think its too easy for me to put myself in other peoples shoes sometimes. 

ive been having a crisis over who i am and i think that this only exists because of my inability to believe in one thing fully, not in a close minded way either. Just believing in one thing until i re-understand it or see it differently, and being open to change that belief when it comes. over the past month i have focused on trusting myself and my intuition.  

the easiest way to kill something special is to compare it, and that's all ive ever done.  
everything i want is already within me, ive always been looking for the plan or remedy, but really, every revelation in my life has stemmed from and idea or thought, never a direct solution. its like loosing your keys only to realize they're in the ignition. 

me and my family have never laughed as much, i feel alot of love. i don't like saying things like that because i feel like its talking down to people who don't feel the same. when im not in a good mood that's the last thing i want to hear from someone, but i just hope the person reading this knows that you are so much more valuable than you realize. the rain doesn't last forever. 

an april march - summers gone



10.09.24 - compare
I found the channel "one take" on youtube and ive been listening to every performance. ATARASHII GAKKO is one of the most energetic, natural groups ive ever seen. You cant help but to be inspired by watching them because they are unapologetically themselves, apart from all the corporate serious side of life it really seems like theyre just having fun. Me and Kanon share the same birthday on the same year. 

I want to talk about comparing yourself to other people. When i saw that Kanon was the same age as me, i instantly realized that for 3 years she had been not only doing more than me but was also successful. This comparison doesn't mean anything. The time I've wasted doesn't matter, the only thing that does is the time i have to make up for and the road ahead of me. I feel like I'm reaching my stride in life and i should be thankful i made it here because some people turn against society and begin to blame everything other than themselves way sooner. Its not about what happens, its about what you do with it. I have so much to do and accomplish and toiling over the past is like quicksand. 

This also made me realize the importance of responsibility and creating a goal to chase and just having a direction, even if the path is unclear. It makes sense that she's further ahead of me, she has fans she cant let down, choreography to practice, photoshoots to go to, ideas for the future of the group, music videos to shoot and everything else that goes into being human. Time doesn't stand still, and its your job to work with what you have and begin living the life you want now instead of hoping for a miracle. 

Basically, create a sense of responsibility. Even if you have to make it up, give yourself something to show up for. This applies to being self-taught so well. 

I can be insanely cynical against the present, but groups like this make me realize that good things are still being made and the possibilities are as wide as they have always been. 



09.05.24 - design
After being awake for 24 hours and sleeping for 5 hrs, I'm trying to go back to sleep to fix my schedule (why I still care is beyond me, once I fix it ill break it within a month). Trying to work in a state where ur brain needs rest makes me realize how overwork can turn you into a robot. I think my body is used to being awake at this time which is why im not sleepy but regardless. 

I realized earlier that having a dedicated project makes creation so much easier. When you have a story to develop and a theme to base decisions on it makes everything so much more fun. I'm working on the mascot for this site right now and I'm excited to look back at all the reiterations. I have so many ideas. Capturing the pneuma of a character is really hard unless you have a clear image in your head. From the music this character will listen to, the clothes they wear, their story  and interests. All of it might not be apparent just by looking at a picture but its so crucial in developing the ideas. I feel like people expect ideas to pop in their head out of nowhere, looking at reference and other art is the only reason anything exists, taking what you like and removing what you dont creates something new within itself. Deriving ideas from things apart from  design makes actually designing easier. Density also makes the character more relatable, we arent all stereotypical npcs(right?). Making a character appear sad is a lot less interesting than making them seem happy and then revealing a traumatic past. Spoon feeding emotion is too shallow. Miyazaki is a god at this, he made an anti war film without showing one single frame of war. I think emotion in this way can hit just as hard but then I remember how grave of fireflies made me feel. Some people want ignorant bliss, i think blissful awareness is more valuable because instead of it being a state of naivety it becomes a state of balance. Aware of the hard truth yet being strong enough to not let it completely control your life. No matter what, I think we should all strive to uplift society and create beautiful things. 

In my sleep deprived head this makes sense perfectly but idk. I get the feeling that I should fully explain every point I make but then I realize this is my journal and to do that would be pandering for the acceptance of understanding which is the opposite of why i created this site...and I just hate explaining myself. 

Things are great and I'm excited for the future, fall is here and its time to go cozymode. 


 
08.25.24 - resent
I've been on edge today, this dosent really happen that often. I have enough self control to not freak out on people like a maniac but internally its so exhausting to be in a state of mind where you  find everything annoying, and it dosent help that while im annoyed i realize how unreasonable it is to be annoyed lmao. I think the accesibility we have to so many peoples lives can make resentment much easier. Obviously, this is my problem. No one did anything to make me feel this way. The thoughts are created in my head and thats where they die. I wouldnt even consider it a bad day bc im still doing what i need to do. I dont agree with trying to change days like this though, just gonna ride it out and accept it.   

Tomorrow will be better. 



08.20.24 - shutdown
Even my computer dosent sleep anymore. 

The house is quiet, like always. The sound of the ac against the crickets. I wish i didnt have to sleep at all. It seems like a waste of time, if my body didnt need it i wouldnt. I dont even dream. Most of the things my body require are done out of neccesity instead of pleasure. I could eat the same thing every day and it would never bother me. Also, i heard once that staying up for long periods of time kills brain cells so i can add that to the list of over analyzing...i heard paper plates give you cancer and that runs through my head everytime i use one and honestly could care less when it comes to washing dishes lmao. I get the urge to write at night, i feel like i never have anything to say in the morning. My mom says im a night owl because i was born at 10pm. K i just yawned, gonna try to turn my brain off now.  



07.19.24 - nostalgia
Scrolling through flickr...as you do. I look at the pictures of other peoples lives in 2005-13 and cant help but to imagine mine differently. 

My insecurities have held me back from so much in my life and i cant blame anyone other than myself. Although there are reasons as to why im like this i feel like blaming other people would be of no use, at the end of the day i make the decision not to go or how to perceive something. The last thing i want to be is a victim even if i am, putting blame on others makes me feel powerless. 

Idealizing makes it so that nothing is ever good enough, and its not like my rope is near its end, i still have time to live the life i want i just feel so disconnected in my home town. 

There is nothing here for me. 


 
07.09.24 - passion
The way i view the world now puts me on the verge of tears. It has been a slow progression into this state of mind, maybe it stems from me always trying to make sense of the world and better myself in a positive way but the things i enjoy are so visceral nowadays. 

I was never the kid that tried his hardest nor did i ever have that pressure from my parents, they would always support me in every hobby i picked up but never pushed me to keep going. I dont hate them for it but maybe it was the answer to why i never really tried. The more i distance myself from youtube, twitter and insta etc etc the more connected i feel. 

The passion i feel from the things i love is thicker than blood, like i can grab it. This in turn makes me a more passionate person. 

I think in the world of distraction we can move from one thing to another completely drowning our brain in content that we reach a point where none of its means anything as if the screen becomes a foggy window. The over accessibility is killing the soul of creation and to finally realizing that feels like the chains have broken.  

I guess this feeling is why i try now, maybe i didnt need pressure but instead, passion. 



06.22.24 - misery
Great day. The misery you feel when working hard is nowhere near the amount of misery you will feel by doing nothing. Happiness is derived from purpose, amd purpose is derived from work. 

The reason you get inspired at 2am is because you didnt accomplish anything that day. 

Do it so you can go to bed happy. 



captains log
09.23.24 - Uh, yea. I was so happy with the last iteration that i completely ditched it :). The reasoning for going minimal is in my journal. In short, it clears the space in my mind and gives more RAM to the things that matter most. At the end of the day this site is meant to archive not to turn heads but i think minimalism is very aesthetic so win-win. 
v2.0 

09.03.24 - Added the BSOD Landing Page, happy with it + the shortcut accesskey actually works. You can press SHIFT+ALT+Z to enter instead of clicking...cool as hellllll. I might make it so that the shortcut takes you to a secret page. Also, added my pets to the log up there. 
08.30.24 - Added junk drawer for my collection of graphics and the thoughts section to the journal. 
08.25.25 - Added swatch clock web timer. Pretty cool time system where 1 day has 1000 beats and each beat is around 1 minute. It looks cool so i added it. As the aesthetic i want gets more refined on this site the more i want to make a new theme altogether but i dont want to abandon this one, maybe i can implement it into the next one. 
08.24.24 - CAPTAINS LOG FINALIZING.....Why didnt i start this sooner...better late than never + this is really just for my satisfaction. Why are you reading this traveler? 
v1.0 zanefolder 
BORN: 05.30.24 6:35pm



04.23.24 - memories
memories are the most beautiful part of the human experience. they can encapsulate every emotion. sadness, happiness, fear, motivation, regret, and gratitude. nostalgia is strange because it can make you look back at the most mundane experience and make you think it was the best time of your life which is why you have to view today as the best because according to your future-self, it is.



04.15.24 - caffeine
caffeine is a mood enhancer. if you can uplift your mood, your productivity will ten-fold. all i need is 100mg a day and i make sure to never go over that. it genuinely elevates my entire character, my mind has never been more clear. all the negative thoughts disappear. i have gone without caffeine for years so this isnt unhinged addict speak but ive never felt this clear in all my life. no one around me takes caffeine and its so obvious. i've always been against needing something external to accomplish things or achieve something but thats just the weird purist in me. if you can take something that is completely harmless besides the withdrawal headaches why on earth would you not use it. maybe im a rare case. 
jesus, i was fucking wired when i wrote that LOL



02.21.24 - truth
people hate the truth. they never want to hear it but maybe im always too point-blank. sad to see an adult make the same shitty mistakes day after day and never even think to themselves that they might be the problem. reflection is something not many people have surprisingly. how do you go about your life never trying to be a better person or thinking of ways you can be better. threats and bribes will earn you no respect. respect is innate within your character. not being respected will mold your entire thought process into thinking you're the victim when in reality you are a victim to yourself. respect comes down to what you say and the actions you take, not how you look or what you do. how/why should i respect someone who lives in fantasy land 24/7. tell it how it is, if people dont like it then its probably the truth.