Philippe_K_Bortrand
Joined Jan 2006
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Reviews7
Philippe_K_Bortrand's rating
Disclaimer, I couldn't make it past about 20 minutes, so this review is based off of that. I will say, I thought "Bliss" was fantastic and "VFW" was fun.
I also pride myself on watching an entire movie once I've started it, but I just couldn't do it this time. Heck I've been blasting through Jess Franco and Jean Rollin's movies recently, and I always finish them. Some fine. Some not so fine.
All the complaints you're seeing here about this movie are legit. The first 20 minutes are nothing but exposition and F-bombs.
There's 90s pop-culture references only Gen-exers will get, and even they won't care about them. I didn't.
Good rules of thumb when writing: "Beware the talking heads. Show it, don't say it." These are cardinal rules broken VERY severely right out of the gate in this movie.
Suffice to say I didn't make it 1/3 of the way through the movie, but I sincerely hope the Santa Bot (a Futurama ripoff) slaughtered everyone in the most gruesome way possible, starting with the record store owner.
I also pride myself on watching an entire movie once I've started it, but I just couldn't do it this time. Heck I've been blasting through Jess Franco and Jean Rollin's movies recently, and I always finish them. Some fine. Some not so fine.
All the complaints you're seeing here about this movie are legit. The first 20 minutes are nothing but exposition and F-bombs.
There's 90s pop-culture references only Gen-exers will get, and even they won't care about them. I didn't.
Good rules of thumb when writing: "Beware the talking heads. Show it, don't say it." These are cardinal rules broken VERY severely right out of the gate in this movie.
Suffice to say I didn't make it 1/3 of the way through the movie, but I sincerely hope the Santa Bot (a Futurama ripoff) slaughtered everyone in the most gruesome way possible, starting with the record store owner.
What I wouldn't give for a time machine and a set of clippers. Ah well.
And let me tell you, if you've got a furniture fetish (yes, you read that correctly), this is the movie for you! I know you're out there somewhere! Own it! Don't be ashamed!
I guess the score would have been kinda cool if it weren't repeated with little variance for nearly the entire movie - most of which is simply Lina Romay walking or frolicking/rolling around while naked.
In fact, that's why I gave this movie 3 stars - because Lina's ridiculously cute. How did she end up with Jess Franco in real life? That guy's uglier than Ron Jeremy.
Anyway, other than that, expect your typical Franco pic - LOTS of focus problems, people rolling around in completely unrealistic sex scenes. Some of us were trying to learn a thing or two while watching this kind of stuff on "Cinemax After Dark" back in the day, and we were misled.
Worth a watch just to gaze into Lina Romay's eyes, which you get to do ad nauseam.
And let me tell you, if you've got a furniture fetish (yes, you read that correctly), this is the movie for you! I know you're out there somewhere! Own it! Don't be ashamed!
I guess the score would have been kinda cool if it weren't repeated with little variance for nearly the entire movie - most of which is simply Lina Romay walking or frolicking/rolling around while naked.
In fact, that's why I gave this movie 3 stars - because Lina's ridiculously cute. How did she end up with Jess Franco in real life? That guy's uglier than Ron Jeremy.
Anyway, other than that, expect your typical Franco pic - LOTS of focus problems, people rolling around in completely unrealistic sex scenes. Some of us were trying to learn a thing or two while watching this kind of stuff on "Cinemax After Dark" back in the day, and we were misled.
Worth a watch just to gaze into Lina Romay's eyes, which you get to do ad nauseam.
I went into this expecting a grindhouse movie but was instead subjected to a banal, polished Hollywood retread.
It's as if the financiers were like "The fake trailer looked poorly-made. Let's do something different." Duh!
The movie is so predictable, I turned to my son and told him who the killer was less than halfway through the movie. And I was right.
Do you actually like grindhouse cinema? Do yourself a favor - watch the fake trailer 50 times in a row. You'll like it better.
Or do you like sleek, predictable, dreck stories that you've already seen many times before? If so, this feature is for you.
It's as if the financiers were like "The fake trailer looked poorly-made. Let's do something different." Duh!
The movie is so predictable, I turned to my son and told him who the killer was less than halfway through the movie. And I was right.
Do you actually like grindhouse cinema? Do yourself a favor - watch the fake trailer 50 times in a row. You'll like it better.
Or do you like sleek, predictable, dreck stories that you've already seen many times before? If so, this feature is for you.
