longview-77631's reviews

It's definitely just because I'm a child of the 90's, but "Wrongfully Accused" is my favorite Leslie Nielsen movie. It's a firehose of 90's references and slapstick absurdity wielded by a master comic actor. Braveheart, Baywatch, Lamb Chop, Mission Impossible... and the single perfect scene, when Leslie mutes the TV with existential consequences too horrible to contemplate. In the end, this is a faithful parody of "The Fugitive" that skewers an entire decade while it's at it and lands all of its gags. 10/10 and perhaps infinitely rewatchable.

I'm the target audience for this movie. Mallrats was my exclusive jam in 1996, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back ushered me into stonerhood in 2001, and I've seen at least five movies worse than Chasing Amy.

This one makes "What's a reboot and what's a remake?" the central question, the same way Clerks 2 made "How do we deal with not being young losers anymore?" the central question. I had sympathy for Dante and Randall in Clerks 2, because getting old sucks. But whether it's a reboot, a remake, or a rehash, this one feels like a money grab laced with enough callbacks and references (roughly 100% of the movie) to satisfy anyone who still knows who does the song "Social". Mission accomplished, I guess, cause map map map mawowowowow. But I'm fine if this is the last one.

There's a lot wrong with Atelophobia, but to illustrate my main gripe, here's a conversation I imagine happened on set. Probably a few times.

Stage hand: How are they supposed to pick out their torture fortunes? You said they were tied up.

Director: Yeah but not their hands.

SH: ...They're tied up, but their hands are free?

D: Yeah. You know what, screw it, don't tie up their feet either.

SH: So just bungee cords wrapped around the torso?

D: Yeah. And make sure they all have access to weapons, but instead of trying to fend off the torture guys, they clutch helplessly at said bungee cords.

SH: ...

The show's description sums it up, but it's funny as hell. What makes this show is the casting, and I'm singling out Norm MacDonald in the role he was born to play: a divorced degenerate whose ex-wife turned him into a pigeon, and now he solves mysteries. The rest of the team is comprised of Mike Tyson, Mike's adopted 18-year-old Korean daughter, and a ghost from the mid-to-late 1800's, and they're like Scooby-Doo but with more substance abuse and sad murders. This show is nonsense, but it's hilarious nonsense.

Do you wish men were still men? Do movies where cars get turned into Swiss cheese by bullets do it for you? Do you want to not think, and just go "Dude that was awesome!" every time shots are fired for close to 3 hours? Do you think Mel Gibson is capable of choosing a decent script in the late 2010's?

If so, this movie is for you. For me, this was an 80's action script hidden behind a strong cast. Even Mel was good in his role, but all the roles were terrible. Can't give it a positive rating.

Hell House LLC is a faux documentary, found-footage horror about a group of young adults who run haunted houses. When you set out to watch something like this, you never really know. Is it actually scary, or just a boring movie in a horror setting? Are the characters characters, or bad actors playing themselves? Does it show you enough of the evil that you're satisfied, but not so much that there's nothing left to wonder about? Do they keep the fear of the unknown, or do they submit to horror fans' lust for gore?

On these questions and others, Hell House LLC could have gone horribly wrong like so many low-budget horror movies, and halfway through, I thought maybe it would. Instead, the third act was seriously scary and showed some imagination, powerfully redeeming itself where many similar movies descend into nonsense.

As someone who watches way too much horror, it was fun and surprising to see a relatively recent, cheaply made, found-footage horror movie succeed on as many levels as this one does. Thumbs up, recommend for all fans of the genre.

I'm up for any kind of horror goodness, but this isn't a movie. No plot. No characters. No tension. One decent shot/scene that could have been kind of powerful, if they'd bothered to put anything around it. They should have cut this to five minutes and made it a good music video.

Abby's boasted a strong ensemble cast and a loose vibe that promised regular shenanigans. Some of said shenanigans paid off- the sprinkler chair, the bar's constitutional amendments, and Tuna Pope were just a few of the good moments- and the banter around the bar was generally worth sticking around for. If they'd committed harder to the wackiness, this show could have run for 4 or 5 seasons as a laid back, lovable, goofy, Undateable-ish sitcom.

Instead, what sunk Abby's was its focus on the boring and awkward Bill (Nelson Franklin) as the character with a story arc. That gave us insultingly predictable boilerplate plots about crushes, ex-wives, dorky white guys, and relative levels of 'woke'. This is a bad thing in any context, but when there's a perfectly good cast of misfits sitting right there just waiting to perpetrate nonsense at the drop of a hat (or a still-burning grill), it's all too obvious that the showrunners misused every tool in their toolbox. That's why this exactly-average sitcom gets a below-average rating from me.

As a big fan of B-horror and monster movies, take my advice and don't bother with this one. The technical issues- learn to use a camera outside maybe, or make it seem like the bees are really there just one time?- and sub-B-grade acting only underscored the lack of a script, story, or payoff. I struggle to understand why this was made.

I typically love movies like this, but the best thing I can say about The Devil's Dozen is that some of the dialogue reminded me of an incredibly dark View Askew movie, so maybe Jeremy London learned some things from Mallrats. The worst thing I could say would be any honest comment about the plot or acting. It's mostly predictable, and it somehow squanders the natural tension a ticking-clock murder movie should have. Plot holes and dropped threads are everywhere, which is an especially bad thing when the story is so minimalist. I give it a point for being a "people trapped in a room" thriller, and a point for a few quality lines. That's it.

You'd think you'd know what you're getting when you decide to watch a movie called "Zombie Strippers!" starring Jenna Jameson. What you can't know until you watch it is how good it is. I'm here to say that it's as good as a movie with this title and cast could possibly be. It delivers on the promise of soft porn, the zombie makeup and horror pacing is perfect, and it's funnier and more clever than 90% of B movies. Instead of dragging in the second half, the dialogue and over-the-topness only get better ("Kids should smoke more. It's so cool!" Also, billiard balls?!) 10/10 on sexiness, 10/10 on gore and zombies, 9/10 on comedy. I would strongly recommend this to anyone who finds the title even remotely appealing.

Madison County doesn't have an original plot, or anything special in terms of effects or storytelling. What it does have is capable acting, good cinematography and sound, and a decent score on scares and gore without really resorting to exploitation. If you adjust for the low budget, Madison County is massively successful in what it tries to do. If you don't, it's still fine as a slasher-y version of Deliverance.

I don't write reviews, but this movie's rating is artificially inflated. It's not scripted, acted, or directed with any competence and it's needlessly exploitative of some issues. If it keeps you guessing until the end, it's because "Well, I guess that made no sense."

If you're cool with seeing that conflicts of race, sex, gender, power, and violence in the modern era are intentionally timeless because people can benefit from them, watch Taxi Driver for the first time.

If you're cool with never watching another moody misanthrope drama again because they're all pale imitations, intentional or otherwise, watch Taxi Driver for the first time.