you_savvy

This ninety-minute review of the disaster that was The Phantom Menace carries more entertainment value than all three of the soulless, joyless prequels combined. I watched The Phantom Menace once and that was more than enough. I've come back to watch this review about once a year since it was released. Hilarious every time, dead-on accurate every time, exposing George Lucas for the bloated ego-sotted tub of cloistered hackery he has become every time. The "Plinkett is a serial killer" angle of the reviews started to wear thin with the sequels, but it's not overdone in this one and adds some good, if tasteless humor, on top of the criticism.

The only way it could be better is if it came with a deluded fanboy that you could force to watch it.

This is probably the most infuriatingly tedious movie I've ever seen. Nearly every scene is the same -- the camera sits motionless as we watch someone putter around and do some inconsequential thing. Maybe it shows a guy watching a movie. Or a woman eating something. Or a widow pleasuring herself. Or (twice!) a guy taking a leak into whatever container is lying around. And after the inconsequential thing has been done, the camera just sits there. Maybe we're supposed to take this time in which *nothing is happening* (fully half the movie) to reflect on the mysteries of life. I just spent it getting madder and madder at the director for thinking that anyone could find this remotely interesting. Halfway through the movie, there's a scene in which a woman is staring at a fish tank. I actually envied her -- watching a fish bob around in a tank is more interesting than this pretentious nonsense.

There's nothing innately wrong with slow films. Or quiet films. Or uneventful films. But SOMETHING has to develop throughout the course of the film, be it interesting dialogue or character development or the presentation of interesting ideas. Nothing of the sort happens here. Its message about loneliness is made clear within the first half hour and after that it's just directorial masturbation.