PrinceCharmingHere

This was a snooze! If you're easily dazzled by cool effects, or if you're a diehard sci-fi fan, then you may find this film worthwhile. But the story is paper thin and a bore. You can tell no effort went into the story because it's a complete retread of countless other stories we've seen. Most of the focus here went into the effects. The characters are bland, generic and offer nothing other than being cardboard cutouts of better heroes and villains from other sci-fi movies. The soundtrack was pretty cool thanks to Daft Punk. I'm hoping the upcoming Tron: Ares adds new life to this IP with a more unique and creative story that doesn't just rely on its cool imagery to dazzle.

Ultimately, this movie is the very definition of pointless. I'd call it a waste of space in the vast algorithm of streaming movie libraries. If you'd like to waste 1.5 hours watching what is a group of people on a tour through Poland as they babble and argue with each other, then check this out. Maybe you can live vicariously through these people and pretend you are on tour in Poland if you can't afford to go yourself. You aren't missing anything by not watching this movie. Kerian plays the same character he did in Succession which goes to show you he has zero range and can only play the same obnoxious, quick-witted character who has the same mannerisms and facial expressions. Jesse is Jesse and is perfectly unremarkable.

As a horror lover, I wasn't expecting to loathe this movie, but here we are. Heart Eyes reeks of desperation. It tries way too hard to appeal to the zoomers from the quippy dialogue, the slang and annoying characters. If you are a chronically online teenager you may find this movie engaging, but the stupidity of it all left me with second hand embarrassment for whoever the untalented hacks are who wrote this movie. Even the adults talked like teenagers. Maybe you have to have a certain kind of sense of humour to find this movie's comedic parts funny, but the "funny" bits were cringe and stupid. It's hard to tell if these characters are supposed to be satire or not-something tells me they aren't.

At times it felt like I was watching a reality TV show akin to Keeping Up With the Kardashians because of the way the movie was edited and filmed (along with the 5 second snippets of some random pop song playing in the background).

There's also zero horror, mystery, tension or thrilling storyline in the first 40 minutes (other than the opening). The first 40 minutes plays out more like a romantic comedy.

I'm not one to root for a film's failure, but I'm happy this one bombed at the box office. It's absolute sludge. One of the worst horror movies of the decade. The director and writers of Heart Eyes should never be allowed to work in Hollywood ever again.