adamstuartcox

Many on here have been asking how this programme even got commissioned in the first place, let alone renewed for 11 series. Well, the original commissioning was a result of an unholy pact between Robert Lindsay and Lucifer - in exchange for his soul, and a bathtub full of virgins' blood, the Dark Lord pulled some strings at the BBC and got this unholy abomination onto our screens. Then, upon the spring equinox of each year, Satan would grant Lindsay a new series in return for the blood-sacrifice of an infant.

Now, I'm an NHS nurse - and in 2011 I was transferred from paediatrics to the geriatric ward - as a result of some unfounded, and frankly libellous, accusations that I was supplying a certain British sitcom actor with newborns as part of some kind of demonic ritual. Geriatrics is an awful place - you can't imagine how annoying it is, running around changing catheters and bedpans whilst those decrepit old folk selfishly cling on to life. Fortunately I have stumbled upon a brilliant solution - simply stick the elderly oxygen-thieves in front of a My Family DVD and witness their will to live drop down to zero in no time! Then all I have to do is send them off to the morgue and I'm free to spend the rest of my day swigging special brew behind the nurses station!

Like most people, I get immense pleasure from seeing a child cry. Oh, how I love to watch the tears roll down their little faces! I also love seeing the mentally ill being publicly humiliated - well, who doesn't? Unfortunately, it has become less and less acceptable to seek out and publicly mock infants and the disabled.

Thank God for Britain's Got Talent! Finally, we are free to laugh at the disadvantaged without being shunned by our peers. I literally cannot think of a better Saturday night's television than watching a quartet of millionaires sat behind a desk sneering at the disillusioned, disadvantaged and disturbed. Each episode allows you to cackle with glee as a stream of human beings' hopes and dreams are destroyed in front of the entire nation - what could be more heart-warming than that?

The judges are what really make the show what it is - after all, who could possibly be a better judge of "talent" than Amanda Holden? Her role in that programme about hairdressers is widely regarded as the greatest character portrayal of all time. Presumably the sheer strength of this performance is why we've not seen her act in anything since then.

Simon Cowell is brilliant. I love the way he sneers at the inept auditionees for "wasting his time" - how dare they? I mean, it's not like he gets paid millions for his appearance on the show! And the contestants certainly aren't pre-screened by producers before they're sent out onto the stage!

The star-power of the judging panel has really been upped this year, however, with the addition of Alesha Dixon. Yes, the greatest female artist of the millennium - I'm sure we all remember her smash-hit single "Knockdown" which reached the dizzying heights of number 45 in the UK charts.

Britain's Got Talent does an amazing job of bringing the Victorian 'freak show' concept into the 21st century, and the culture of the UK is truly richer now that we can take pleasure from the humiliation of strangers from the comfort of our own living rooms!