Nottboy

I initially intended to sit down and write a witty review of Date Movie and how bad it is. It doesn't even deserve that. What it deserves is a review that is as pointless, unstructured and unfunny as the film itself. Here goes: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

This is the only movie I have ever rated 1/10.

A guy walks in to a bar... and buys a drink.

I want my money back.

How many fat people does it take to change a lightbulb? Doesn't matter, they're fat.

Have you heard the joke about the drinking straw? It sucked.

Don't see this movie.

Have you heard the joke about the drinking straw? It sucked the moisture from a dead woman's crotch while she farted.

Laughing is funny.

Trying not to laugh is funny.

Trying to laugh is painful.

80 minutes is a long time.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he was a fat, geriatric midget chicken with gas and farted every time he took a step towards the other side.

TV commercials can be funny and plot less because they last 30 seconds.

This review is hilarious.

If you are easily offended, have no idea of what satire is or just hate anything thats the slightest bit original then save your money, go rent out My Best Friend's Wedding and don't watch Team America at any cost.

I'm not going to regurgitate the plot or any of the jokes because its been done in every second review but I have to say that, overall, the film lampoons the blow-everything-up, Bruckheimer, lets-save-the-world type film so well that I'm guessing some people have missed the point and viewed those parts as serious (!??). I love South Park and don't mind a few d!#k and fart jokes but the funniest aspect of the film is the fact that it replicates the lighting, music, dialogue and structure of a Michael Bay / Jerry Bruckheimer as accurately as possible and then begins to make fun of the puppet's sometimes crude movements and general limitations at the drop of a hat.

Move over Monty Python. So long Zucker brothers. Wayans brothers? Who are they? The crown of satire rests firmly on the heads of Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Every once in a while a film comes along that changes the way we look at cinema. A film that redefines the art of movie-making and lives with the viewer long after he/she has experienced it. You may hear the critics mutter the words Star Wars, Citizen Kane or Gone With the Wind but, obviously, they don't know Ice, they don't know him at all.

If ever there was a movie that proved the Oscars are a farce, it's Cool as Ice. It clearly got snubbed and I guess we'll never know why. The only reason I can fathom is the academy's fear of the Ice man's Day-glo clashing with the red carpet. Clearly the better solution would have been a Day-glo carpet.

Maybe I'm a little biased because I see so much of myself in Ice's character and the personal journey he embarks on in the film. I, too, am a complex, misunderstood white male, searching for identity and a good lawn on which to do the running man. I also have a way with words and a way with the ladies and, gosh darn it, I just love to impress country folk with my fly threads and dope moves on the dance floor, yep yep.

The script is a work of art and is destined to become a textbook example for its conflict, character development and subtext. I can't decide who the bigger genius is: The writer or Vanilla Ice, himself, because let's face it it's not just the lines but the delivery of them. "Lose the zero, get with the hero" - pure gold.

Do what ever it takes to see this film. Beg, borrow, steal or even buy it. For all those who still wear Day-glo clothing or caps with polished metal logos, who still shave lines into their eyebrows or just consider themselves romantics, Vanilla will reinforce what you already know: You are Cool as Ice. It's also a hell of a lot better than watching Vanilla on Celebrity Boxing, no really it is.