E. Kelly

I don't need to watch this movie to know it sucks. Anything remotely related to Star Wars is incredibly boring and about as much fun as removing your own kidney with a blunt steak knife. It's just a show for little boys (or older boys who haven't grown up yet as is so often the case) who are impressed by light sabres and lasers and other such pathetic imaginary weapons. If I were given a choice between death and a Star Wars marathon, the former would be a shoe-in.

The Nanny is the story of Fran Fine, an irritating whiney New Yorker who possesses perhaps the most annoying voice in television. Devoid of humour and an entertaining bone in her body, she joins up with a family of slow witted pestilent toads (the Sheffields), along with their equally as unamusing and irksome butler, Niles and some blonde bimbo sharing the name of a corn chip brand (CC).

Before the actual show has even started, I am driven to madness by the infuriating theme song. Sung in a nasally high pitch whine, it is accompanied by pathetic cartoon caricatures of each of the characters and their first meeting. If you've managed to last this long into it you're doing well. Next comes a dull and feeble story line usually involving some trivial little event in the Nanny's boring life that no one really gives a rat's ass about. It'll be something like she ran over a rabbit and feels guilty or they all get stuck at her mother's house on the way to the airport - you know the type, totally uninteresting rubbish that is about as funny as cancer.

The day The Nanny ended should have been a blissful one for me and indeed, for a few short hours I was left happy and content, finally able to get on with my life after enduring many years of hell. Imagine my horror when the stupid channel decided to repeat the whole bloody series again from start to finish the very next day! It's a hard life.

Yet another horrid soap opera, complete with absurd storylines and bad actors. On a recent weekly break, I watched B&B for the duration believing hey it can't be any worse than the other trash being televised. How wrong I was. The particular story for the week was concerned with some chick who had cancer and didn't know it, yet her roommate, boyfriend and about 35 others all knew about it and were debating whether or not to tell her. I don't know about the rest of you but doesn't that seem just a little bit odd? I mean whatever happened to doctor patient privilege? Who is this quack informing the whole town of the dying girl's illness without telling her first? Meanwhile her roommate is busy slipping cancer medicine in her Corn Flakes. And the girl herself, I can't remember her name but god, didn't she feel just a tad ILL? Considering she was due for death in a month or two, you'd think she might be starting to realise something was up. The actors were also extremely poor and had some weird waxy look going that made them look like creepy store mannequins. Scary.