player_pawn
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When a film features David Hasselhoff and his crack team of snake-fighting mercenaries facing off against a 60-foot-long genetically altered anaconda before the opening credits even roll, any fan of B-movie cheese can arguably presume they're in for a good time. Hasselhoff's self-deprecating humor and strange otherworldly charm make him an endearing punchline, and also translates well into the world of Sci Fi Channel stardom. Sadly, after that opening scene, The Hoff all but disappears for the next 45 minutes of the film, and what starts with campy reptile-killin' fun quickly spirals into boring laboratory diatribes about the dangers of gene manipulation and the real-world uses of unlikely immortality drugs.
Although the ads would lead one to believe otherwise, ANACONDA III actually centers on Amanda (Crystal Allen), a scientist who works for Universal Bio-Tech and the nefariousand appropriately namedMurdoch (John Rhys-Davies, obviously still fuming over not being included in the new Indiana Jones film). It seems that he's been playing God with the reptilian world and has somehow managed to create an anaconda that's not only larger and angrier than any snake on Earth, but sports a three-foot machete growing out of its tail. This Ginsu butt comes into play numerous times during the film, and while the results are always spectacularly gory, a serpent's bladed posterior is inescapably difficult to take seriously.
Since all B-movie snakes carry the cure for (insert disease here), another round of unethical testing is underway, and it isn't long before our slithering behemoth breaks out of its cage, knocks off everyone but Amanda and her boss and heads out into the lush green wilderness of Romania. It's only then that Hasselhoff's Hammett and a group of ALIENS space-Marine rejects (resembling the United Colors of Benetton) are hired to eradicate the monster, which has taken up residence in a nearby farmhouse. With that, we've now got the prerequisite team of Special Ops, the cheap sets and the giant CG monster everything required for a yet another weak entry in the recent string of bland Sci Fi Channel originals.
Director Don E. FauntLeroy, who served as DP on the JEEPERS CREEPERS movies and nearly 50 other films, has managed to shoot a good-looking feature, but fills it with every painful cliché imaginable. First-time screenwriters Nicholas Davidoff and David Olson sprinkle in occasionally fun dialogue, but their script is ultimately burdened down with bland characters and extremely corny, uninspired plot twists. Hasselhoff's Hammett, a fun antihero who deserves more screen time (and one-liners), is delegated to a glorified supporting role beneath far less interesting characters. Rhys-Davies, whose cameo appearances work quite well, will hopefully receive a beefier role in ANACONDA IV (the direct sequel shot back to back with this movie, scheduled to debut this December); otherwise, he served virtually no purpose at all. It's only Allen as the spunky Amanda who breathes any life into her role; a surprise, given her lack of substantial film experience prior to headlining this one. Unfortunately, given the material, even she has trouble rising above the movie's stupendous mediocrity. When all is said and done, ANACONDA III should have been a much better film, but it also could have been much worse. The cast is sorely mismanaged, the plot is all over the board and the digital FXparticularly a handful of atrocious greenscreen driving shotsare by-and-large laughable, but the cast and crew obviously worked hard with what little they had. With any luck, this sequel's surviving characters will find more to do in the next entry, and we'll end up with a film that's not just meatier, but more entertaining. A direct-to-cable second follow-up to a creature feature headlined by J. Lo and Ice Cube doesn't need to be a masterpiece, but it should be passable as an evening's fleeting distraction. ANACONDA III is just barely that, but it's still regrettable that something as inherently amusing as David Hasselhoff fighting a giant snake couldn't have ended up just the slightest bit more fun.
Although the ads would lead one to believe otherwise, ANACONDA III actually centers on Amanda (Crystal Allen), a scientist who works for Universal Bio-Tech and the nefariousand appropriately namedMurdoch (John Rhys-Davies, obviously still fuming over not being included in the new Indiana Jones film). It seems that he's been playing God with the reptilian world and has somehow managed to create an anaconda that's not only larger and angrier than any snake on Earth, but sports a three-foot machete growing out of its tail. This Ginsu butt comes into play numerous times during the film, and while the results are always spectacularly gory, a serpent's bladed posterior is inescapably difficult to take seriously.
Since all B-movie snakes carry the cure for (insert disease here), another round of unethical testing is underway, and it isn't long before our slithering behemoth breaks out of its cage, knocks off everyone but Amanda and her boss and heads out into the lush green wilderness of Romania. It's only then that Hasselhoff's Hammett and a group of ALIENS space-Marine rejects (resembling the United Colors of Benetton) are hired to eradicate the monster, which has taken up residence in a nearby farmhouse. With that, we've now got the prerequisite team of Special Ops, the cheap sets and the giant CG monster everything required for a yet another weak entry in the recent string of bland Sci Fi Channel originals.
Director Don E. FauntLeroy, who served as DP on the JEEPERS CREEPERS movies and nearly 50 other films, has managed to shoot a good-looking feature, but fills it with every painful cliché imaginable. First-time screenwriters Nicholas Davidoff and David Olson sprinkle in occasionally fun dialogue, but their script is ultimately burdened down with bland characters and extremely corny, uninspired plot twists. Hasselhoff's Hammett, a fun antihero who deserves more screen time (and one-liners), is delegated to a glorified supporting role beneath far less interesting characters. Rhys-Davies, whose cameo appearances work quite well, will hopefully receive a beefier role in ANACONDA IV (the direct sequel shot back to back with this movie, scheduled to debut this December); otherwise, he served virtually no purpose at all. It's only Allen as the spunky Amanda who breathes any life into her role; a surprise, given her lack of substantial film experience prior to headlining this one. Unfortunately, given the material, even she has trouble rising above the movie's stupendous mediocrity. When all is said and done, ANACONDA III should have been a much better film, but it also could have been much worse. The cast is sorely mismanaged, the plot is all over the board and the digital FXparticularly a handful of atrocious greenscreen driving shotsare by-and-large laughable, but the cast and crew obviously worked hard with what little they had. With any luck, this sequel's surviving characters will find more to do in the next entry, and we'll end up with a film that's not just meatier, but more entertaining. A direct-to-cable second follow-up to a creature feature headlined by J. Lo and Ice Cube doesn't need to be a masterpiece, but it should be passable as an evening's fleeting distraction. ANACONDA III is just barely that, but it's still regrettable that something as inherently amusing as David Hasselhoff fighting a giant snake couldn't have ended up just the slightest bit more fun.
Gary Jones' directorial debut, 1995's MOSQUITO, is a perfect example of an entertaining, purposely cheesy genre film. You want wacky? It features the titular insects dining on alien corpses, growing to obscene sizes and then attacking a humdrum forest community. Much blood is splattered, Gunnar Hansen robs a bank and now, DVD copies run over 100 bucks on eBay. Now, lucky 13 years later, Jones (who also directed The Asylum's enjoyably inane JOLLY ROGER: MASSACRE AT CUTTER'S COVE) has teamed up with no less than three scriptwriters for his first foray into the realm of Sci Fi Channel cinema. One could only assume that given his talent for goofy horror, GHOULS would end up a fun supernatural romp.
But we all know what happens when we assume, and GHOULS sadly makes an ass out of you, me and anyone else foolish enough to watch this terrible mess.
When college cutie Jen (Kristen Renton) finds out that her estranged Romanian grandmother recently passed away, it's the perfect excuse for her and her father (GHOSTBUSTERS' William Atherton) to visit the old country. What she doesn't know is that a cult of "Ancients" have actually sacrificed her granny to a foursome of poorly animated CGI ghouls, using the power of jazz hands. Soon, oblivious little Jen is meeting her sleazy uncle Vlad (Dan Bararau), second-guessing her dad's seemingly sweet girlfriend (Erin Grey) and catching the eye of the local Druid ghoul hunter (CABIN FEVER's James DeBello). Yes, in a groan-inducing twist, her uncle is indeed named Vlad, and her new boy-toy uses grenades and shotguns to fight ghosts.
The creatures, which defy all dictionary definitions of actual ghouls, are a mixture of atrocious digital work and actors traipsing around in bargain-bin Halloween costumes. A number of gratuitous close-ups, in which they shamelessly mug for the camera, showcase solid special makeup work, but it's simply not enough to save the film. Even the gore, which doesn't really get gushing until the one-hour mark, is cut together so quickly that we never really feel like we're seeing anything too nasty. Aside from some gut-munching, silly blood sprays and a few gouges, we're not catching much.
As Jen wanders around the emptiest town in all of Eastern Europe, one gets the impression that there is something other than its citizens that's amiss. Side plots abound, although none of them seem to really pay off. Our heroine almost discovers a creepy crate hidden under her bed, but never opens it. Dad's girlfriend loves giving tarot-card readings (improperly), but never actually uses them for anything. Even the early loss of monster hunter Thomas' father offers nothing but an extremely drawn-out filler sequence in which the two prove how bad they truly are at ghoulbusting.
A few minor twists precede GHOULS' final act, but they unfortunately fail to take the film in a new directionand certainly don't hit their intended marks. Atherton, who sadly looks quite haggard, is sorely underused and doesn't offer us a memorable character, instead stirring up memories of far better roles he's taken (DIE HARD, anyone?). The same can unfortunately not be said for DeBello's Thomas, who is so lacking in personality that it took nearly 40 minutes of screen time for this reviewer to even notice he was playing the role. Only the women, both with significant TV credits under their belts, shine through this mess. Regrettably, neither Renton and Grey (of DAYS OF OUR LIVES and SILVER SPOONS, respectively) can rise above the quality of the production, with even the talented young lead falling victim to the absolute hilarity of the film's outrageous finale. The Sci Fi Channel's 2008 roster has been across the board, offering up the dreadful-but-fun HEATSTROKE, the surprisingly decent COPPERHEAD and the only moderately entertaining duo of ROCK MONSTER and AZTEC REX. GHOULS, however, has set new standards in how poor its films can get. Unless you've got friends who truly love tepid horror and an extra case of beer lying around, GHOULS is, sadly, a must-miss. Better luck next time, Sci Fi. You know I'll be back for more.
But we all know what happens when we assume, and GHOULS sadly makes an ass out of you, me and anyone else foolish enough to watch this terrible mess.
When college cutie Jen (Kristen Renton) finds out that her estranged Romanian grandmother recently passed away, it's the perfect excuse for her and her father (GHOSTBUSTERS' William Atherton) to visit the old country. What she doesn't know is that a cult of "Ancients" have actually sacrificed her granny to a foursome of poorly animated CGI ghouls, using the power of jazz hands. Soon, oblivious little Jen is meeting her sleazy uncle Vlad (Dan Bararau), second-guessing her dad's seemingly sweet girlfriend (Erin Grey) and catching the eye of the local Druid ghoul hunter (CABIN FEVER's James DeBello). Yes, in a groan-inducing twist, her uncle is indeed named Vlad, and her new boy-toy uses grenades and shotguns to fight ghosts.
The creatures, which defy all dictionary definitions of actual ghouls, are a mixture of atrocious digital work and actors traipsing around in bargain-bin Halloween costumes. A number of gratuitous close-ups, in which they shamelessly mug for the camera, showcase solid special makeup work, but it's simply not enough to save the film. Even the gore, which doesn't really get gushing until the one-hour mark, is cut together so quickly that we never really feel like we're seeing anything too nasty. Aside from some gut-munching, silly blood sprays and a few gouges, we're not catching much.
As Jen wanders around the emptiest town in all of Eastern Europe, one gets the impression that there is something other than its citizens that's amiss. Side plots abound, although none of them seem to really pay off. Our heroine almost discovers a creepy crate hidden under her bed, but never opens it. Dad's girlfriend loves giving tarot-card readings (improperly), but never actually uses them for anything. Even the early loss of monster hunter Thomas' father offers nothing but an extremely drawn-out filler sequence in which the two prove how bad they truly are at ghoulbusting.
A few minor twists precede GHOULS' final act, but they unfortunately fail to take the film in a new directionand certainly don't hit their intended marks. Atherton, who sadly looks quite haggard, is sorely underused and doesn't offer us a memorable character, instead stirring up memories of far better roles he's taken (DIE HARD, anyone?). The same can unfortunately not be said for DeBello's Thomas, who is so lacking in personality that it took nearly 40 minutes of screen time for this reviewer to even notice he was playing the role. Only the women, both with significant TV credits under their belts, shine through this mess. Regrettably, neither Renton and Grey (of DAYS OF OUR LIVES and SILVER SPOONS, respectively) can rise above the quality of the production, with even the talented young lead falling victim to the absolute hilarity of the film's outrageous finale. The Sci Fi Channel's 2008 roster has been across the board, offering up the dreadful-but-fun HEATSTROKE, the surprisingly decent COPPERHEAD and the only moderately entertaining duo of ROCK MONSTER and AZTEC REX. GHOULS, however, has set new standards in how poor its films can get. Unless you've got friends who truly love tepid horror and an extra case of beer lying around, GHOULS is, sadly, a must-miss. Better luck next time, Sci Fi. You know I'll be back for more.