scarbone

The best movie to ever feature Wooby. Only one word can sum what the awesomeness of this movie. I don't know what that word is, but rest assured I will find it. The only character you need to watch in this movie is Wooby, and all the others. Wooby is the greatest actor this side of Martin Kove. Wooby may also be the richest character to emerge from the world of film since...ever. I propose a sequel entitled Wooby: Barbarian II. It's a buddy cop movie starring either Gary Busey or Danny Glover and Wooby. They battle time-traveling terrorists in present-day New York City. There's the usual back and forth between the reluctant new partners and the requisite moment where Glover/Busey sees the true tortured soul of Wooby, as he writhes on a bed in a cheap motel in pain from a full belly moaning "ooh I hope you didn't want any cake 'cause I ate it all."

This is possibly the most entertaining sequel in film history. The first "Decline" film presented the punk rock scene of the late seventies/early eighties and captured the rebellion and dissatisfaction found in that movement. This film focuses on the much more entertaining glam-metal scene of the late eighties. We witness such awesome sights as W.A.S.P.'s Chris Holmes getting loaded in his pool while his mom sits pool-side contemplating a very late abortion. Our old pal Ozzy's juice-pouring methods are something to behold and my new favorite band Odin sits in a hot tub with a bunch of metal-sluts and tells us how they want to be bigger than Zepplin and the Stones. This is intercut with their live performance where the lead singer expresses less range than Mark Slaughter and has no ass in his pants! We hear about struggling metal-heads who use women for their money and their food (they of course plan to pay them back with furs and cars when they get big.) And the always entertaining Poison treats us to a healthy dose of rock n' roll stupidity. This film contains some of the stupidest people I have ever witnessed. Why it won no Oscars is beyond me. I think it is one of the truly great films of the decade.

Hell Squad is the story of a group of Las Vegas showgirls come commandos sent to rescue a diplomat's son in what is truly the world's first "art" film. This beautifully made film has a stellar cast portraying multi-dimensional characters of such depth as the suspicious tiger-owning arab, the conflicted millionaire, and the large-breasted commandos.

The story itself deals with such important socio-political issues as the arms race, gender equality, water conservation, and animal cruelty. For example; a tiger's tail is stamped on by the villain's angry foot; these busty dancers prove that they can infiltrate the enemy with the best of em', while being socially responsible by bathing together because of a water shortage; and our damsel, the diplomat's son, is bound by shackles no one can see, representing the invisible threat of the neutron bomb (where did that elephant go?).

Finally, as the startling ending asserts, nothing is as it seems. The final scene is a shocker unlike anything you've witnessed since the glory days of Scooby Doo. For fast-paced, stimulating film-making at its finest, do yourself a favor and find Hell Squad!