Dark Haul

It is a low budget movie, and it certainly shows.

Nonetheless, I find it enjoyable. It has a interesting story with originality, and the cast is good.

Better made and acted than most SyFy originals, this was nonetheless a film that had all the earmarks of a "first draft." Like most flicks, its too long. Just chop off the first useless 15 minutes and start with the shot of Sizemore grabbing Marie's shackled ankle and you'd have the audience going, "Now what's up with this situation? Who are these people? What did she do wrong that she has this device on her." Instead, the first 15 minutes show that the demon, even as an infant, can fly, is lethal, and impossible to kill (but you can trap it under a box).

Fast forward hundreds of years of pseudo-Christians looking after, er guarding, um whatever, the two demons, one who wants to free her demon-brother and the other who, once freed, just wants to kill (!).

The humans in charge of this duo never grasp that Zib (Zib? yup, Zib) should be sedated at all times and that Zub (well, he doesn't have a name, so why not Zub?) should be sealed in concrete and dropped in the ocean. Instead, Zib and Zub are kept in close proximity because Zib is supposed to be able to control Zub, though the words, "He's getting to strong to control," is something she says whenever Zub needs to be controlled. So much for fulfilling your basic job description, Zib.

Ah, but we have the gibberish of the 13th of the 13th and man vs beast and all that. Who cares? As for the trained, armed men and women who are supposed to know how to catch Zub if he escapes, something Zub keeps doing thanks to Zib, they must have missed several training classes. For the most part, this trained crew can't make it through an 8-hour shift without being impaled, shot by their own, or thrown hundreds of feet (often all three).

Special: Tom Sizemore drinking game. Sizemore must say at least 47 times that "I know how to kill it." If you take a shot each time, you won't have to make it to the end of the movie where it turns out he doesn't actually seem to know how to kill it.

When the highlight of the movie is a tractor trailer overturning, you've got problems.

A 279 year-old female with superpowers (Evalena Marie) is held captive and transported on a semi tractor-trailer with her gargoyle-like twin brother by a sect of "keepers" who are in conflict with other "keepers" over the interpretation of cryptic prophecy. Damon (Rick Ravanello) has developed father-like affection for the girl while Knicks (Tom Sizemore) thinks she's wholly evil, like her monster brother, who happens to be the inspiration for the Jersey Devil myth.

Released to TV 2014, "Dark Haul" (aka "Monster Truck") is surprisingly good, particularly compared to the typical half-baked SyFy flick (I was shocked by the low ratings). The script is well thought-out, the main cast is stalwart, the desolate wintery Northeast locations are great and the film's fast-paced & action-packed. The only negative you have to withstand is the unbiblical Catholic-tinged gobbledygook (but this is expected in a fantasy-based story). The cartoony monster CGI could be cited as another negative, but this is offset by the superb traditional F/X used in the climax where the creature looks like the devil incarnate, hooves and all.

Redheaded Evalena Marie is comely in a girl-next-door kind of way, not to mention all-around effective as the protagonist/antagonist. There are a couple of other quality women in the periphery, like Maya (Adrienne LaValley) and another brunette (which might be Kate Billard; it's hard to tell by the credits).

It short 'n' sweet at 87 minutes; and looks like it was shot in Pennsylvania, where the story takes place, or somewhere else in the Northeast (there's no verification of where the film was shot).

GRADE: A-

I saw this movie years ago, but the memories are still there, apparently, because for some reason I thought about this train wreck today. It's your standard anti-Christ good vs bad hackneyed pseudo-religious jumbled mess muddled through the clogged filter of the brilliant minds behind the Syfy channel.

The anti-Christ (AC) character was born during the sepia film era of New Jersey. I don't remember which century, but I do recall the actors not bothering with accents that might have suited the time period. AC's sister Zip or Sip or something equally improbable is supernatural herself and the only one who can control him. And by control I mean helpfully yelling "Stop!" after AC had brutally massacred a half dozen nameless extras. Who these guys are and how they got roped into AC guard duty is never explained. One doubts a job posting for such a position would get many applicants. Maybe they offer dental.

Anyway, our heroes, who by the way are to the man total jerks, decide to take AC and his sister on a road trip to Pennsylvania. I can't recall the reason. Something to do with an expiring Cracker Barrel gift card or something. It doesn't matter, they never needed to apply for a PA filming permit. The semi they're carrying AC in breaks down for some reason, AC escapes, the same extras are killed a few more times, and then the spoiler ending happens. By which I mean the ending spoils the entire reason for the movie.

Two stars for not being forgettable, despite my best efforts.

I stumbled upon the 2014 movie "Dark Haul" here in 2021. And needless to say that I had never heard about the movie prior to getting to sit down to watch it. Since I hadn't already seen it, of course I opted to give the movie a chance.

When I saw the SyFy logo on the screen, my hopes for this being possibly an entertaining or cheesy enough movie sort of went out the window.

And true enough, "Dark Haul" is your average SyFy dribble, for better or worse. Sure there is an audience out there for these movies, and every now and again SyFy does manage to churn out something worthwhile watching. "Dark Haul", however, wasn't one such movie.

The storyline told in "Dark Haul", as written by Ben Crane was essentially some very generic and mundane stuff. Things that have been seen and done before in other movies, and often so with more success. So director Colin Theys didn't really deliver a wholesome movie experience here.

The acting in the movie was as to be expected for a movie such as this. And you have Tom Sizemore on the cast list, which pretty much indicates the standard of what you are in for.

And this being a typical SyFy movie, you know you are in for some dubious special effects. And yeah, the CGI effects in "Dark Haul" were laughable to say the least. Imagine computer game graphics from the mid-1990s, and you have the level of CGI in the movie.

I endured about an hour of "Dark Haul", then I hauled myself out of the movie. I just couldn't take anymore of the generic dribble that passed by on the screen.

My rating of "Dark Haul" lands on a generous three out of ten stars.