American Poltergeist

Have you ever watched Mystery Science Theater 2000? This movie should be featured on that show.

However, as much crap as we talked while watching this movie, we watched the entire thing without turning it off. And then immediately clicked to watch American Poltergeist 2 because we thought it was a continuation of the first. Lol.

The acting overall was as if all of the actors were new, I was surprised to see they were in other movies. The overall story line could have worked if there had been better acting and better direction. But yet... we still watched...

I literally signed up on my phone. Found out I couldn't do it on my phone. Got my laptop loaded up and went through the silly confirmation e-mails to write this review. This is film is so bad that it makes porn films look like Spielberg. Whoever wrote the dialog must have been some kind of Stephanie Mayer type because they clearly have never interacted with another human and can only imagine what young, attractive people might actually say to each other. The whole thing was about as interesting as watching the Kardashians while they watch paint dry with someone attempting badly to scary clown in the back ground. I love horror, I even like bad cliché horror for laughs but this was neither. Its not scary. Its not even funny scary. Important plot points are just blurted out by the wooden characters without any build up to a discovery leaving you bored and uninterested. The camera work is so dodgy that you could mute it and put on pornography scores and pretend that you were actually watching some. Wouldn't recommend at all. Not even for "so bad its good".

If you are hoping for a proper ghost movie, as I did given the "American Poltergeist" title, then you will be sorely disappointed. However, if you are looking for a pseudo-slasher movie with a woman in an old dress and lousy green make-up on her face, then this is exactly what you are looking for.

Story-wise, then "American Poltergeist" (aka "The House of Lizzie Borden") was just about as generic and predictable as they come in the haunted horror genre. Only a few paranormal things happened in the house, which seemed okay and to slowly build up to something bigger, but then Lizzie Borden manifested in the shape of a woman in an old dress and with very questionable make-up. And then the movie just fell apart. And it got especially wonderful when a non-clergyman started to perform an exorcism.

For a horror movie the only thing scary was the lack of anything even remotely spooky, scary or disturbing.

Well, I wasn't fully honest there. There is one scary thing, and that was the acting of Donna Spangler. Apparently she thinks that moving, speaking and basically doing everything in such a slow pace, that is best described as a drug-induced stupor, is considered acting. It was so painful to witness. All she did was essentially just amplifying the stupidity of the movie.

"American Poltergeist" was a disappointment of unfathomable proportions. And I should have seen it coming, as the reviewers either all really loved or hated the movie; there seemed to be no middle ground. I, if you haven't guessed it already, is of the latter option.

If you enjoy a proper horror and/or haunting movie, then you shouldn't watch this particular movie.

The official definition of what constitutes a poltergeist would run something like this"a spirit believed to manifest its presence by rappings and other noises and also by acts of mischief, such as throwing furniture about". Within four minutes of the start I was already hoping that a wardrobe would fly across the room and scythe through the entire cast. I hope for their sakes that none of them EVER watch this film that they performed in as it would surely drive them to at least self-harm. The presence of Leslie Nielsen, God bless him, would surely have rescued this awful, awful attempt to scare us. My fascination with how dreadful it was grew at an almost exponential rate with each passing minute. The wooden policeman obviously failed his zombie night-class exam and they just told him to audition for any film that requires a semi-animated lamppost. One line in the film chilled me into thinking that the worse-case scenario was about to happen. What if there was going to be a 20 minute intermission without the possibility of a toilet break or even an ice-cream? What if the second half of the film then resumed running backwards to the beginning with people ascending stairs facing the wrong way and regurgitating chewed-up burgers from their mouths and reassembling the whole on their barbecue plates? That would have really spooked me. Mercifully the director had some shred of compassion for his(surely)captive audience and limited this travesty to a mere 71 minutes including credits, which is in this case is an ironic misnomer of the first order. The stampede for the exit will result in multiple casualties. You have been warned.....

This one has it all, bad acting, bad plot, bad writing.. You never get to like any character, and it had the feel of one of those porn films someone tried too hard with and tried to make entertaining. Porn film without the porn. It isn't scary at all and used every tired horror cliché. The back story surely could have been better if they hadn't tried to tack it to a real historic and researchable case. A little more imagination could have gone a long way. The acting is so wooden that it could have been done better with hand puppets, though in the case of the creepy house owner, that very much serves the story. I'm wondering if this was intended as a quasi comedy along the lines of "Birdemic- Shock & Awe" in that its so bad its strangely good? But this doesn't have the same kind of appeal. It's just a horrible horrible movie that has already been made a hundred times over. Don't bother with this film I'm sure there is some drying paint that needs watching?