- Billy: [to moving truck crew after they helped load his grandmother's corpse into his grandpa's trunk] Thanks for the crime!
- Irving Zisman: You young ladies in the market for a nice bed?
- Woman #1: No.
- Irving Zisman: Seventy-five dollars.
- Woman #2: What's so special about it?
- Irving Zisman: It's got that special vibrating feature, you know what I'm saying?
- [chuckles]
- Billy: [to the grocery store employee] Sometimes he shits himself.
- Irving Zisman: [turns to Billy] I don't shit myself, you little prick!
- Irving Zisman: I may be too old to stir the gravy but I'm still old enough to lick the spoon, that's for damn sure!
- [chuckles]
- Irving Zisman: Why are you shaking your head?
- Chuck: 'Cause this is real bad timing right now for me and I'm having some problems with my business right now.
- Irving Zisman: Oh, your business, huh? What business is that?
- Chuck: I sell computers!
- Irving Zisman: Sells com... he couldn't sell pussy on a troop train.
- Irving Zisman: [to a woman] You know when I was overseas, when you used to sleep with a prostitute, they would squeeze lime juice on your schmeckle to see if you had any diseases. And if you went, "Ooooowww" it means you got something 'cause the cuts burn. I never went "Ooooowww", but one time. It's all cleared up now, though. Ma'am, it's all cleared up.
- Bingo Woman #1: Oh, okay.
- Irving Zisman: Alright. Just to prove to you I don't have anything , ladies, I'm gonna squeeze this lime juice on my schmeckle right now.
- Bingo Woman #2: Oh my god!
- Irving Zisman: Okay. Watch this. Watch this. Here it goes. Here it goes! Nothing. Nothing. I got nothing. That is free advertising right there. It did sting a little when it got to my bunghole though, I'll tell you that. That's just between us girls. I'm gonna have to have that checked out.
- Irving Zisman: Sir, can you help me? Can you help me, sir? I don't expect you to understand but I have my penis stuck in the soda machine!
- [first lines]
- Billy: [at the law office] You know what I wanna be when I grow up?
- Lady: What?
- Billy: A fisherman. I want to go fishing everyday 'till I'm rich so I can move right next to the jailhouse so I can be close to my mommy. She got arrested for drugs again, so she has to go back.
- Lady: I'm sorry to hear that.
- [gives Billy an awkward look]
- Billy: [while pushing his drunken grandpa in a shopping cart down the street] You shouldn't drink so much.
- Irving Zisman: Pipe down!
- [moans]
- Irving Zisman: Oh, God...
- Billy: [keeps pushing the cart] Do you have any idea how heavy you are?
- Irving Zisman: [mumbling] Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?
- Irving Zisman: [about his deceased wife] She was a pain in my ass when we were married and she passed away, she's still being a pain in my ass!
- Irving Zisman: [about a girl Billy knew] Was she your girlfriend?
- Billy: Yeah...
- Irving Zisman: How long did you go out with her?
- Billy: A day.
- Irving Zisman: [bursts out laughing] A day? Reminds me of most of my relationships!
- Billy: [about his grandma] She passed away.
- Woman: [gently] Oh dear, that's very sad.
- Irving Zisman: Well, it's not so sad. She was kind of a bitch, but yeah.
- Woman: [gasps] Jeez. My goodness!
- Irving Zisman: Well, gotta call a spade a spade.
- Irving Zisman: [after putting his dead wife in his trunk] Can we say a prayer? Lord, please look after Billy and I on our journey with Ellie. And Lord, please look after these men because they were very sweet... and also accomplices to probably what was... technically a crime, but... we're not gonna say anything...
- James: [walks away] Come on, man! Are you serious?
- Irving Zisman: [continues with his prayer] In your name we pray. Amen.
- Billy: Wanna see how red I can get my face?
- Irving Zisman: [laughs] Yeah. Stop stop stop. Oh my god, that was redder than a ape's ass.
- Billy: Watch your mouth.
- Irving Zisman: Oh sorry. That was redder than a ape's tuchus.
- George Prisco: I'm about to whip you, motherfucker. Up your ass, bro.
- Irving Zisman: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get your doober! Oh. Oh. I got your doober! I got your doober!
- [pretends to eat his nose]
- Irving Zisman: I ate your doober.
- George Prisco: You shouldn't be fucking driving anyway! You're fucking 85 years old!
- Irving Zisman: I got his doober!
- George Prisco: Thank god that wasn't a human being.
- Irving Zisman: I got his doober and he's mad!
- George Prisco: Listen to me, you're going to fix that penguin, bro. Whether you like it or not, believe me, you're gonna fix it.
- Irving Zisman: Nope. I mean if I was fixing it, you'd see me fixing it, but... I'm not fixing it.
- [long pause]
- Irving Zisman: Did you notice how I wasn't fixing it?
- Irving Zisman: Wow. That looks like the camel toe... in your pants! Hoo-hah! Get it? I said you have a vagina. That's a vagina reference.
- Irving Zisman: Oh, here she is!
- Woman: Here I am. You wanna buy some 22s?
- Irving Zisman: What are 22s?
- Woman: You wish you was 22.
- Irving Zisman: They look like 36Ds to me.
- Woman: No.
- Irving Zisman: No? 36 full Cs.
- Woman: 22s, that's what they are!