- Dave Skylark: This whole time I thought you were Samwise to my Frodo. But you're just... Boromir!
- Aaron Rapaport: I don't know who the FUCK that is!
- Dave Skylark: 'I don't know who Boromir is', that's such a Boromir thing to say!
- Dave Skylark: [singing] ... just own the night! Like it's the 4th of July!
- Kim Jong-un: [crying] No, not the chorus, please!
- Dave Skylark: [singing] Cuz Kimmie you're a firework! Come on let your colors burn!
- Agent Lacey: The CIA would love it if you two could... take him out.
- Dave Skylark: Hmm?
- Agent Lacey: Take him out.
- Dave Skylark: Take him out?
- Aaron Rapaport: For drinks?
- Agent Lacey: No, no, no. Take him out.
- Dave Skylark: Take out... like to dinner?
- Aaron Rapaport: Take him out to a meal?
- Agent Lacey: Take him out.
- Aaron Rapaport: On the town?
- Aaron Rapaport: To party?
- Agent Lacey: No.
- [whispering]
- Agent Lacey: Take him out.
- Aaron Rapaport: You want us to assassinate the leader of North Korea.
- Agent Lacey: Yes.
- Dave Skylark: Whaaaaaaaat?
- Dave Skylark: [admires a war tank] Holy fuckamole. Is that real?
- Kim Jong-un: It was a gift to my grandfather from Stalin
- Dave Skylark: In my country it's pronounced Stallone.
- Kim Jong-un: You're so funny, Dave.
- [first lines]
- Korean Girl: [singing in Korean] Our Beloved Leader is wise. He is gentle, kind and strong. We wish him joy. We wish him peace. We wish him love. And the one thing in our time, we wish more than this is for the United States to explode in a ball of fiery hell. May they be forced to starve and beg, and be ravaged by disease. May they be helpless, poor and sad and cold! They are arrogant and fat. They are stupid and they're evil. May they drown in their own blood and feces. Die America, die. Oh please won't you die? It would fill my tiny little heart with joy. May your women all be raped by beasts of the jungle while your children are foooorced to watch!
- Dave Skylark: Kim must die, it's the American way.
- Sook: How many times can the U.S. make the same mistake?
- Aaron Rapaport: As many times as it takes!
- Dave Skylark: He ate it! You're not even supposed to touch it and he ate it! Chewing it! Chewing it!
- [last lines]
- Dave Skylark: This was a revolution ignited with nothing more than a camera and some questions. Questions that led a man, once revered as a god among mortals, to cry and shit his pants.
- [Sook Rips Aaron's shirt open]
- Sook: You're hairy! You're so hairy like a bear! Your nipples are so pink!
- Aaron Rapaport: Yes they are!
- Sook: Love it! Ohhh!
- Dave Skylark: How's the puppy!
- Sook: Puppy is O.K.!
- Dave Skylark: You protect that puppy with your life.
- Dave Skylark: When you score a Bin Laden, or a Hitler, or an Un, you take it by the balls! It's the first rule of journalism. You give the people what they waaant!
- Aaron Rapaport: That's not the first rule of journalism. I think it's like the first rule of like circuses and demolition derbies.
- Dave Skylark: As the two best friends stared each other in the eyes, they knew that this might be the end of a long road. But they also knew how much they meant to each other. And even though neither one could say it out loud, they were both thinking...
- Aaron Rapaport: [whispers] I love you.
- [they embrace]
- Kim Jong-un: I have no comment on Margaritas.
- Dave Skylark: Then why don't you drink them?
- Kim Jong-un: I don't like brain freeze.
- [crying]
- Kim Jong-un: Fuck you, Dave. You fucking asshole.
- [Eminem just said on Dave Skylark's show that he is gay]
- Dave Skylark: Eminem, lets just back it up a moment. You just said that you are gay? And I'm just curious what you meant by that, exactly.
- Eminem: I mean, I'm gay.
- Dave Skylark: I'm just a little confused here because gay can mean a lot of things.
- Eminem: I am a homosexual.
- Dave Skylark: Meaning?
- Eminem: I like men.
- Kim Jong-un: I don't know what you're talking about! I never heard this song before!
- Dave Skylark: You don't have to lie anymore. Katy Perry's your *favorite*!
- Kim Jong-un: Katy who?
- Aaron Rapaport: Take your hands away. I saw the boner!
- Dave Skylark: I'm not taking my hands away.
- Aaron Rapaport: Move your fucking hands!
- Dave Skylark: Fine. Wanna see it?
- Aaron Rapaport: Dude! The fuck, man! That was John Kerry's office!
- Dave Skylark: Forget this oak tree looking fuck! This is top sense! The Times' heading about... about North Korea, read the bottom... after all that... the death camp shit!
- Aaron Rapaport: Although Kim Jong-un rallies his people with cries for the destruction of the United States of America, he is known to be an affluent consumer of American entertainment. His favorite shows are Big Bang Theory... and Skylark tonight!
- Reporter: Yo Skylark, which side of President Kim's ass you gonna kiss?
- Dave Skylark: I'm not gonna kiss them, but let's just say I might give him something special with my hand
- [gestures with his hand and smirks]
- Dave Skylark: .
- Reporter: [laughing] You gonna jerk him off?
- Dave Skylark: What? No! That's a *double entendre*! I'm *foreshadowing*!
- Aaron Rapaport: Shut up! Shut up! Get in the fucking car! Shut up! Shut up! Why would you say that? Why would you say that?
- Dave Skylark: I think we need to do this. She is so cool!
- Aaron Rapaport: You don't see what's happening? It's so obvious! It's crazy!
- Dave Skylark: What?
- Aaron Rapaport: They are honeypotting us!
- Dave Skylark: What?
- Aaron Rapaport: It's an attractive spy woman who lured men into doing shits they're not supposed to do. How come you not see that?
- Dave Skylark: Because that is so sexist.
- Aaron Rapaport: Is it?
- Dave Skylark: This is 2014. Women are smart now.
- Aaron Rapaport: Do you actually think she just so happens to have everything you find attractive? Bangs, giant tits, glasses. They're fake, man!
- Dave Skylark: Fake glasses?
- Rob Lowe: [replying to Skylark's question when did his baldness started] It started on "The Outsiders".
- Dave Skylark: What a fuckin' bitch, am I right?
- Aaron Rapaport: No! You're not right! He's not being a bitch! He's completely right!
- Dave Skylark: He's motherfucking peanut butter and jealous!
- Aaron Rapaport: He's not jealous!
- Dave Skylark: He's putting KY jealous all over his dick!
- Aaron Rapaport: What have they gotta be jealous of?
- Dave Skylark: Fuckers hate us 'cause they ain't us!
- Aaron Rapaport: They hate us 'cause we're anus? What the fuck does the anus have to do with this?
- Dave Skylark: They hate us 'cause they AIN'T us!
- Aaron Rapaport: That's not what it is!
- Dave Skylark: I'm sorry, this is completely unrelated, but... ehmmm... what happened to your glasses?
- Agent Lacey: Oh, I... I got Lasik.
- Dave Skylark: Between the time I saw you and now?
- Agent Lacey: Yes.
- Agent Lacey: Okay.
- [after hearing Kim Jong-un fart loudly on Korean TV]
- Soldier Watching the Interview: [in Korean] He's no God! He has a butt-hole!
- Guard #1: [in Korean] How dare you talk about Supreme Leader that way!
- [they fight]
- [after a General says that Dave had ironically honey-potted him]
- Kim Jong-un: [in Korean] Ironic! IRONIC!
- [shoots the General in the ass]
- Kim Jong-un: [in Korean] Your butthole is ironic!