After School Massacre

I've been watching slasher movies since the mid '90s, and I have 'never' been this irritated with what I was seeing. The best way to describe my feelings toward this movie is simple: I felt like I got trolled by somebody who hates slasher fans. There is no way this is a legitimate effort.

Normally I only like discussing acting in slasher movies when it's somewhat impressive, because let's face it, with these commonly low budgets it's going to be close to impossible to buy skilled actors. With "After School Massacre," the bizarre nature of 'this' level of acting is where the 'only' horror lies. This is the worst acting I have ever seen. Not only that, the acting leads us nowhere! There's no payoff for suffering through this bizarre acting and limp script. The only explanation for somebody signing off on work like this is that it was an all-out assault on all the things I hold dear when it comes to movies.

The kills, the story, the killer, the comedy, the sex, the nudity, the music, they were 'all' equally as terrible as this bizarre acting. That has to be some kind of record.

I've been hustled a few times in my life, but buying into this premise is by far the most painful duping I have ever received.

For about the first thirty minutes of "After School Massacre", I kept thinking that it was like watching a porno without the sex. The line readings are stilted and awkward, the sound is poorly recorded and echoey, and the direction is almost non-existant. Every now and then the filmmakers seem to realise they are supposed to cut occasionally; this happens so seldom in the movie's opening act that it's surprising when it does. The echo on the soundtrack provides a hint that scenes at the beginning of the movie supposedly set in a teachers' lounge were obviously filmed on a breezy set.

Anyway, they move to a house where the inevitable killings start to happen, but that doesn't really matter. The movie exists to show girls in their underwear. It must have had a laughably low budget, so at least they were able to get some attractive actresses for that money who were willing to disrobe... part of the way. If you're looking for nudity, you'll be disappointed. I remember only a couple of nipples on screen, one at a time.

The plot is something to do with a teacher's aide who apparently has received a friend request from one of his students - but has not accepted it. Somehow having heard about this, the dean of students fires the teacher's aide. Not only did he not even accept the friend request, but the dean couldn't have possibly known it was sent in the first place, unless he also works as an admin for Facebook. But since when is merely receiving a friend request from a student grounds for termination? The students should just send friend requests to all the teachers they don't like, and watch them disappear.

The teacher's aide goes crazy and starts killing, but you knew that already. In this case you can almost see where he's coming from.

The action moves to a house where a group of girls are having a slumber party. They all seem too old for such things, but never mind. From this point on (and we're only at about the five minute mark) the girls onscreen will mostly only be wearing their underwear.

Struggling to think of things to say that sets this one apart from the (perhaps literally endless) number of other low budget slashers, one thing did occur to me: the kill scenes in this movie are perhaps the worst I've ever seen. They are just so lame, I can only assume that the budget went to acquiring hot girls and didn't leave any money for gore effects.

There is a character that all the girls hate because he is an obnoxious jerk... and yet he still ends up getting some alone time with at least a couple of them. This character is the only one in the movie who made the slightest impression on me, because he is so irritating. Characters who are disliked by a coterie of hot girls are usually an easy way for a film to generate some sympathy. Hell, even "Meatballs 4" managed a sympathetic goof. "After School Massacre"'s version of this character, however, is someone we share the girls' distaste for, and that's not a good thing.

None of the said girls register with personalities of their own. You can only tell them apart because they wear different panties.

One scene actually seemed to revel in this lameness and have fun with it, which featured a curling iron, something I don't think I've ever seen used as a weapon in a movie before.

The ending to the movie also comes out of nowhere and doesn't really conclude anything. I just suddenly found myself watching the bizarre credits sequence, which includes a weird sort of quasi-rap song with all the actresses dancing around, still clad in their underwear, but no longer murdered. They rap/sing something to do with "fruit on the belly", and... er... I'm just at a loss to try to explain that.

One other thing sticks out about this movie, not that I'll remember it much longer... and that's the killer's mask, which is easily the lamest I've seen in a movie. It's a ski mask which for some reason doesn't even cover his whole face: it leaves his chin exposed. I found myself wondering if they did that to make his voice more audible when he's wearing the mask.

Or maybe the filmmaker's mother had to knit the mask for the movie because they didn't have enough money in the budget to buy one from a thrift store, and she didn't finish making the mask in time before the movie was due to start shooting?

Maybe?

"After School Massacre" is a modern throwback to the classic slasher film.The story is a simple slice 'n' dice, hot young girls meet the psycho killer that focus more on tits and ass soaked in blood than actual story. In the film, a teacher who walks the line between perv prone to inappropriate behavior and educator becomes obsessed with a student, flips out and goes on a killing spree after being suspended/fired (it depends what part of the story mentions that point), and one by one slaughters the group of teen girls.

"After School Massacre" doesn't hold up to the classic 80's slashers that it desperately tries to imitate. Jared Masters creates - a decent enough concept, young girls at a slumber party face the masked killer- yet in executing this vision focuses more on Spice channel shenanigans that substance. The characters are so far removed from any authenticity that fantasy characters seem realistic in comparison.

"After School Massacre" is a low budget slasher so production value is on the cheap-which doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing-a lot of cheap films have had quality product emerge as a result. However with this film there was too much attention spent in asinine character relationship dynamics and not enough time spent on building a strong story, or recognizable characters. The acting is amateurish and two dimensional. It sucks because a few moments in the film show real promise of what this film could have been with more care taken to bring this story to life.

The special effects and soundtrack are the saving grace and only proof that is had a horror ancestor attached at some point. Again it is a low budget film so we aren't talking award winning stuff here, but Masters and the FX department use classic stylizing, and practical measures to give us gore and blood that isn't CGI and actually work. In those moments "After School Massacre" rises up to more than mimic the classic slasher. The soundtrack is hip, relevant, with creepy VHS era sound effects balancing out the atmosphere and at times elevating the scene to real horror status. So kudos on that front!

Overall "After School Massacre" disappointed me. It felt more like a project contrived to get young girls to take their clothes off on camera without being softcore porn. The story is weak, looses continuity throughout, and filled with fluff but no reward. This film works more toward the fetish crowd than the true slasher fan base with ridiculous dialog that goes no where, adds no value, and only serves to prove that most guys are pervs hoping to see girl-on- girl action. Still the deaths scenes are worth a scan through- although the word "blood spatter" should have been thrown out there in kill scene discussions for the actual scenes that needed it. And there are a few in here that needed it. The film ends on a weird note that doesn't really finish the film but doesn't actually herald in a reason for a sequel either. Check "After School Massacre" out if you really want to but don't expect much.

A bunch of unattractive girls in bra and panties with plastics straws, ringpops and really bad tats jumping on a bed.. Why? We don't know. But then there's the worst actress on the planet -- maybe the universe who's about to commit suicide by taking what appears to be a bottle of Tylenol.

There'sa Coolio lookalike who could easily be really homeless, a floozy mother who looks like she had plastic surgery to resemble Charo and the worst sound track you will ever hear. It's so bad, it's annoying. And too loud while people are talking.

You'll have to wait a long time for the "massacre," Which happens at the end of the movie with literally 16 minutes to go! Oh, and there is no school so why this is called After School Massacre" is beyond me.

Unbelievably bad.

The sets are lacking, the acting chops are SORELY lacking and originality is not to be found anywhere. There are some cute women in the cast, but libidinous male viewers shouldn't get their hopes up; the "skin factor" is limited and nowhere near sufficient to make it worthwhile watching this debacle. The kills are so unconvincing as to be comical, the role of law enforcement depicted with a childlike simplicity, meaning gore and suspense fans will also find the film quite disappointing. I am the most patient of movie viewers, but I ended up skimming through most of the film on 4x fast forward after watching the first 25-30 minutes. Too lousy a film to even come close to the "so bad it's good" classification. AVOID!