- Mike Smith: [playing with a mini statue, impersonating David] Hi, there, my name's David. I don't wear pants And I was thinkin' since my cock's already out Maybe you'd like to take and little suck off?
- John Paul Tremblay: Jesus Christ, Smith! Your fuckin' breath smells like drunk Shamu Just dumped a big whale load in your mouth, man, fuck!
- Mike Smith: Come on, it's just a little tiny penis. Why don't you finger my little tight hole?
- John Paul Tremblay: Get your fuckin' hands off me, Smith!
- Mike Smith: Finger my little hole! Tongue my hole!
- John Paul Tremblay: Smith, would you smarten the fuck up and get serious here, man?
- Stephen: [having walked in and seeing Mike up to his shenanigans] Expensive statue! Guys, marble.
- Robb Wells: [the boys are in jail] Well, that just pretty much guaranteed I'll be working at fifties for the rest of my life. Thanks, you fuckin' lunatic!
- John Paul Tremblay: You can't be burnin' bridges like that, man.
- Mike Smith: Aw, fuck off. I can't fuckin' deal with networks doin' that, boys. We don't fuckin' need them! We can do shit on the internet.
- John Paul Tremblay: Yeah, that sounds like a great career, Smith. 40-Year-Old out of work fuckin' actor, Selling bullshit fuckin' real estate, Posting videos on shittube. Nice!
- Mike Smith: I'm not talkin' about fuckin' lametube. I mean, our own fuckin' network.
- John Paul Tremblay: Yeah, people'll are gonna fuckin' pay you To watch you swear and Jack your miniature cock off.
- Mike Smith: Yeah, they would, All over your mother's big sloppy horrible tits.
- Robb Wells: [laughs]
- Mike Smith: Think about this though, boys. We've got fuckin' direct access To over a million people on our fan sites. We get 10,000 of them even to pay five bucks a month, That's fifty fuckin' grand a month!
- John Paul Tremblay: Jesus Christ, man, what if a 100,000 did? That'd six million bucks a year.
- Robb Wells: Imagine the shit we could shoot with that kinda money. Fuck my tits, boys!
- Mike Smith: I would fuck your tits for that much money.
- John Paul Tremblay: So would I.
- Robb Wells: God, can you imagine? I'd just be prancin' around gigglin', ticklin' you guys.
- Mike Smith: This could be fuckin' huge, boys. Our own fuckin' network doin' whatever the fuck we want. Swearnet.
- Robb Wells: Swearnet. I fuckin' like that. It made my balls tingle.
- Prisoner Next Door: Shut the fuck up, I'm tryin' to cum!
- Mike Smith: Fuck off. Let's take our fuckin' balls And cradle then on the tips of our cocks And get this fuckin' thing lit right now. Let's do this.
- Jail Cop: [approaches the cell door] Smith, Wells, Tremblay, your ride's here, And she is some pissed.
- Robb Wells: Oh, Jesus fuckin' Christ!
- Stephen: This is quite a selection you've got here for us today: "Trans-Am Handyman" and "Cooking 'n Working Out with Mama Kunt". Wow.
- John Paul Tremblay: [chuckling along with Mike and Robb] We've got full seasons mapped out for both of 'em. We can start shooting whenever you guys want.
- Wendy: Straight up, guys. We can't do a show on our network with the word "cunt" in the title.
- Stephen: Sorry.
- Mike Smith: No, it's cunt... It's cunt with a "k".
- Wendy: It's still the word cunt though, Mike, isn't it? It could be a funny concept. What if we called her uh... "Mama Krazy"?
- Stephen: Or how about "Mama Kooky"?
- Mike Smith: 'Cause her name is Mama Kunt.
- Wendy: Not on our network, it's not.
- Mike Smith: [looking up to the CNT logo, above them] Okay, well your network is one letter away from being "cunt" anyway, So what the fuck's the difference?
- Wendy: That one letter makes a big difference, Mike. It's just the kind of word That makes a lot of people uncomfortable.
- Stephen: It does.
- Mike Smith: Have you ever been to Australia or Ireland?
- John Paul Tremblay: They call sandwiches "cunts" over there.
- Robb Wells: They do.
- Wendy: Like we said before, guys: if you're willing to do another toned down version of Trailer Park Boys, then our network will certainly listen.
- Robb Wells: We can't! We told you that. The producers own the rights. They don't wanna do it. Jesus!
- Wendy: It's not like it used to be, guys. Even if you were willing to do more Trailer Park Boys, the new CNT guidelines would restrict you to two 'fucks', two 'cocks', and four 'shits' per episode.
- John Paul Tremblay: Well, why don't we cut back on the shits maybe, add a couple more fucks, you know, and then everybody'll be happy?
- Stephen: Uh, it doesn't really work like that. This isn't the Halifax swap shop.
- Wendy: No, I'm sorry, guys. CNT just isn't comfortable taking that kind of risk right now.
- Mike Smith: Christ, so it's an unequivocal "no" then?
- Wendy: Yes... it's a "no" - unless you're willing to compromise on content.
- Robb Wells: Well, we don't feel like we should have to. That's the way we talk. That's the way everybody fuckin' talks. People swear!
- Wendy: No, it's not.
- Stephen: Not really, no.
- Wendy: I don't.
- Mike Smith: I just wanna know, seriously, are you both fuckin' retarded?
- Stephen: Uh, excuse me?
- Wendy: There's no reason to get angry here, Mike.
- Mike Smith: You know what? Fuck you guys! Fuck you both! We don't fuckin' need ya!
- Stephen: Oh gosh, Mike, but you do!
- Mike Smith: Fuck off, Stephan, you condescending little fuck. I'll slap that fuckin' prison pussy right off your face!
- Stephen: Slap it off? Hey, why don't you just shave it off with your razor sharp wit?
- Mike Smith: You need to take a fuckin' big hydraulic suck on my shit pipe, fuck teeth!
- Wendy: Wow.
- Stephen: Okay, we're done here. You obviously drunk or stoned or both. Can someone call security please?
- Mike Smith: Fuck, ooh I'm callin' security! Fuck off.
- Stephen: I've got three washed up one hit wonders who need to leave the building immediately.
- Mike Smith: [Mike jumps over the table and proceeds to strangle Stephen to the ground, punch and yell obscenities at him, Robb runs over and tries to pull him off.] Fuck!