Boudica

Imagine Gladiator, but with nowhere near the budget, script, pacing, actors, effects, or directorial flair, but which does share the playing fast and loose with actual history bit, and you've pretty much got the picture.

Thus if your idea of a worthy historical portrayal of the Celtic Britton queen Boudica's revolt against the Romans, is to have a Ukranian actress play the eponymous main character, then have her daughters played by two girls of Fijian descent for some bizarre reason, all of whom couldn't act their way out a wet paper bag. Then have them go up against cardboard cutout pantomine villains which make Dick Dastardly look like a credible real-life character, then this is the movie for you.

Seriously, the performance by those two girls is more wooden than the wheels on Boudica's chariot. It's almost worth watching just to see how bad they are.

Of course movies of this type are going to tweak history a bit to make them enjoyable to watch, but this script alters the truth so extensively that there are episodes of Scooby Doo which are more historically accurate. Then again, if you like films with more blood and guts than the average Saw movie, you might at least like those parts of it. But having said that, whilst it is undeniably true ancient sword and spear battles were certainly bloody affairs, just when you think, 'well at least this bit is reasonably accurate', get ready for Boudica's magic sword. Yes really. By the power of Grayskull!

So what we have here, is essentially a cheap sword and sandal fantasy slasher flick, masquerading as an ancient historical biopic. The historical events and characters in the film are limited to the following: yes there was such a place as Ancient Britain and a native Iceni/Trinovantes army led by a woman nicknamed Boudica which conducted a briefly successful revolt against Britain's Roman occupiers, and yes one of the Romans who provoked the rebellion was called Catus Decianus.

And that's about it; everything else is pretty much not even remotely true, grossly misrepresented, or just plain incorrect, and that includes the costumes, armour, weapons, tactics, military units, scenery, dialogue, behaviour of the people, social conventions and even the reasons for the revolt in the first place.

Add to that some mind-numbingly bad script-writing and pacing and nowhere near the budget necessary to portray a revolt which, in truth, involved an army which most historians put at about 120,000 Celts, which killed and tortured an estimated 80,000 people - including a lot of Britons as well as Romans incidentally - and you've got this travesty of a movie.

Seriously, this thing makes Team America look like a documentary.

What a weird way to butcher such an iconic historic figure! This movie claims to be "based on real events".

Well to note a few of the gazillion historical inaccuracies,

• Boudica was a redhead. Not blonde
• Throughout the movie, the Roman soldiers wear a helmet that was only worn by the Ottomans in the 16th century
• For a movie that's "inspired by true events", Boudica all of a sudden turns into a witch. Has a floating bronze sword (like she's discount thor).

• Also the movie insists that iron is stronger than bronze. Which it really isnt.

Terrible acting, plot has holes bigger than sinkholes, awful dialogues. I'd give this a 2/10 overall. Don't watch this garbage.

This was pretty awful, couldn't even finish it. Kurylenko was not a good choice, she is way too old, small and unathletic to carry the character of a warrior queen. And her face fillers take you out of the time setting, what kind of "barbarian" has fish lips and fixed forehead, it's obviously a 21st century look. The barbarians are cheezy with eyeliner. There is that whole narrative in the story that they made very loud, of because you are a woman you get nothing plus punishment. Which is kind of an overplayed pandering in movies these days. Tired of all the modern virtues being shoved at every opportunity.

Not sure even where to start with this one. The script has to be one of the worst ones ever written. Why even bother to make a "historical" movie if you are going to pepper it with modern speech.

It is cringingly bad in this respect.

Boudica spent most of her time looking like a hippy art teacher complete with smock.

Obviously shot on a low budget, they tried to make 9 or 10 Romans look like 80. Lots of gore, the action wasn't bad at first but soon became very repetitive as Boudica took on the elite Roman centurions one at a time and dispatched them with ease.

And apparently Boudica or Boedicia took advice from her dead daughters. Of course !

Please stop making such terrible films about actual interesting historical figures.

Where to begin?

The acting is embarrassingly bad. The casting is embarrassingly bad since this is a historical drama... But I can't say exactly how and why without risking being banned and doxxed and deprived of life, love, liberty, and income, because that's the right way to run a civilization, for sure™.

The movie wasn't a total waste. I did find it hilarious how the brass sword magically healed and floated through space and made that ridiculous ringing sound. No, seriously, my sides hurt from those scenes, and in all sincerity, I thank you.

As far as the rest of the movie, it's about as faithful a reference to historical events as you should expect if your I. Q. is above around 95. Meaning, it's total garbage.

And now, I'm tired of typing.