- [First lines]
- Dallas: Let's fucking get it on right now. Let's go. Come on. Come on. Come on! Come on! Here. Here. Now, I want to go over a few rules with y'all tonight. That ain't that hard. Don't worry about it, all right. Rule no. 1, this is the "what can you touch and not touch" rules.
- [puts his hands on his chest]
- Dallas: Can you touch this? Can you touch this?
- [moves his index finger]
- Dallas: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Second touch.
- [turns around and grabs his ass]
- Dallas: Can you touch this? Can you touch this?
- [moves his index finger]
- Dallas: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And finally... last one ladies,
- [holds his crotch]
- Dallas: can you touch this? Can you ever touch this? Well, that's who the law says that you cannot touch. But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers up in this house tonight. And I don't see a cop in sight.
- Mike Martingano: [dressed as a police officer] Good evening. You live here?
- Kim: Yeah.
- Mike Martingano: Yeah? What's your name?
- Kim: Kim.
- Mike Martingano: Kim, can you move back for me, please?
- [enters house full of women]
- Mike Martingano: We keep getting complaints about noise and underage drinking. Everybody sit down, we're gonna be here for a while! You don't have anything sharp on you that I can stick myself with, do you?
- Kim: No.
- Mike Martingano: Good. 'Cause I do!
- Mike Martingano: [rips off pants, women scream]
- Mike Martingano: Entrepreneur/stripper? Stripper/entrepreneur?
- Mike Martingano: Either one.
- Mike Martingano: I was hoping this was all a joke.
- Mike Martingano: It is pretty funny.
- Mike Martingano: I have, like, $13,000 saved.
- Mike Martingano: Wow. That's a lot of ones.
- Mike Martingano: There are some fives in there.
- Mike Martingano: Oh, ok. No twenties?
- Mike Martingano: Oh, you don't wanna know what I have to do for twenties.
- Dallas: [to The Kid] You are the husband they never had! You are that dreamboat guy that never came along!
- Mike Martingano: [from trailer]
- Mike Martingano: So you gonna come to the show tonight?
- Mike Martingano: No.
- Mike Martingano: You're gonna come to the show tonight.
- Mike Martingano: No!
- Mike Martingano: You just said over there that you like the show!
- Mike Martingano: That doesn't mean I'm gonna go again!
- Dallas: He's young, good looking...
- [about The Kid]
- Mike Martingano: He can't dance for sure.
- Dallas: He can't dance for shit, but that is teachable.
- Joanna: I don't normally like blondes, I know, but she's really cute.
- Mike Martingano: Yeah, but she's not going to be like you know, our type. You know what I'm saying?
- Joanna: So, you're not into her?
- Mike Martingano: No,no, that's not what I'm saying, she's like, she's a little uptight.
- Joanna: OK, well we're fucking her, not taking her to dinner.
- Mike Martingano: That's not going to happen. She's a dinner type is what I'm trying to say, if you get me.
- Joanna: Oh, OK, um, if you decide you want to share... If you change your mind and put some effort into it, you know my number. And besides you know how much I love to eat.