The Telling

I once had a plumbing contractor who was in a band on the side and wanted to play at my wedding. It didn't work out for reasons I don't remember, but it was possible his band was really good. Still, this had NOTHING to do with his skills as a plumber. I'd say the same thing about Playboy Playmates who want to be actresses. Some of them are very good at it (two of my favorite 70's exploitation actresses were ex-Playmates-of-the-Year Claudia Jennings and Victoria Vetri). But there is NO connection between having a nice body (and being willing to show it off) and genuine acting talent--as the entire cast of this movie (pretty much all Playboy Playmates) amply demonstrates.

If this portmanteau horror movie DID NOT have an entire cast of ridiculously hot "actresses" (all culled from the pages of Playboy), it frankly wouldn't have been made at all because it's shot on video and has three incredibly lame stories and an incredibly lame frame story where sexy sorority pledges are telling "scary" stories to their sexy older sorority sisters. Strangely, there's very little nudity in this, but that wouldn't matter if the movie was any damn good at all. What's really annoying is the gratuitous NON-nudity--i.e. a sex scene, a bathtub scene, a shower scene that are all completely irrelevant to the plot, but still show nary a nipple! It's like these girls think NOT taking their clothes off, but relentlessly teasing the male audience is going to somehow make them respectable or talented actresses.

It's kind of like if my plumber had played at my wedding, and not only was his band very bad, but he then refused to finish the plumbing job (what he obviously does best), so I'd somehow take him seriously as a musician. No offense, but ridiculously hot Playboy Playmates generally need to stick to Playboy pictorials (or at least softcore porn films where the acting just doesn't matter) and leave the horror films to people who know what they're doing.

I was very excited to get this movie; however, this movie was really bad. I feel really bad to say that because I really like Bridget and Holly. They were both great. Nevertheless, the rest of the actors were very cheesy.

There is a live and enthusiastic market for most anything associated with the The Girls Next Door. This is rightfully so even as the series winds down and each of the women go their individual ways. The series had a little something for everybody; each of the girls were charming and sexy in their individual ways; Hugh Hefner did a good job in his role in front of the camera and it would appear that he made a number of good decisions behind the camera; the whole Girls Next Door project had a fair degree of excellence as an entertainment vehicle. Just as a last observation on Girls Next Door, I will say that for those who were seeking some mild, light hearted titillation, it had its moments of genuine sexiness, delivered at a level of quality that only Playboy can do.

Anyone agreeing with the above would like to see The Telling succeed, if for no other reason than Holly & Bridget are not only in it but apparently Bridget was involved as a producer. You have the sense from the Behind the Scenses portion that Bridget in particular put a lot of work in this video. I don't doubt that; she routinely comes across as a hard working, sincere and focused lady.

So, what about The Telling. Let me just say that it's nice to see Bridget and Holly again; however, this video is not a top flight vehicle for them, and a number of buyers will be somewhat disappointed. As for sexual titillation, don't worry yourself about that; there essentially is none. Bridget & Holly look good, but you'll see more sex watching Fox News. As for a gripping horror story with professional acting, it's going to be pretty thin for a number of folks. Real GND fans are still going to buy this video, and if anything the end of the show Behind the Scenes 15 to 20 minutes will be the most interesting part. Bridget and Holly are both individually interviewed in this section. Bridget admits that her time as one of Hef's girlfriends as well as her residence in the Playboy mansion are winding down, and that she will be an upcoming moderator to some extent on the Travel Channel. I suspect that this will be a much more successful vehicle for her.

I thought they were porn actresses on a side project, ala Andy Sidaris. Other reviewers inform us that these are Playboy bunnies. I thought Playboy disappeared, when the internet appeared. But that aside, it's a bad movie. I gave it three stars; because the women are beautiful. Seen on Tubi, the free streaming site.

I did not have very high hopes for this film. A horror movie from the Playboy mansion? I think most people probably suspect that Playboy bunnies do not make great actresses, and indeed they do not. They are great at posing and pouting, but pretending to laugh, is sadly beyond their reach (though this might be due to having been pawed at by a 127 year old Hugh Hefner, as that would stop most people from even cracking a smile).

So if you disregard the acting, which ranges from poor to abysmal, you will have heard the stories again and again since childhood. In fact, most Halloween specials have told these stories, and often told them better. So here goes: To gain membership in a Sorority populated by plastic women in their late 20ies and early (?) 30ies (who, at least at one point, are amusingly Borg-like), three pledges must tell a scary story each. Seem familiar yet?

The first story involves an evil doll, the second a creepy castle in Transsylvania and in the third, three babysitters (ok, they're not actually babysitters, but they might as well be to make the cliché complete) get creepy phone calls.

This is far from the worst film I've seen (that honour still belongs to Unearthed), and sadly, it is not so-bad-it's-good either. Overall, I think it deserves a 3/10, because it did manage to hold my attention till the end and because it did give me a chuckle or two. However, it must be said, it is not even remotely scary. Nor is it sexy. Apparently, there is 1 blink-and-you'll-miss-it topless scene, but I blinked, so I missed it.

In this horror anthology film, three girls pledge the most popular -- and cruelest -- sorority on campus. For their final task, they must tell the scariest story they know. Containing three distinct stories -- one featuring a murderous doll, one a has-been actress and her run in with a film crew of the undead and, finally, a hunt-and-kill fright-fest.

There is really nothing to say about this one. I do not know the history, but based on what I was able to determine, this was more or less an excuse to get Playboy models to appear in a movie. And, you know, I guess if that is all they wanted to do, it worked.

Now, if they wanted to be in a good movie, they failed. We have a very poor version of the Twilight Zone's "Living Doll" episode. There is a decent second segment but it is pulled off terribly. And after that... well, ugh.