- Donny: I'm going to prison if I don't get 43 large, so...
- Vanilla Ice: What, you think I got that kind of money?
- Donny: Of course you got that kind of money. Royalties from 'Ice Ice Baby', you must be fuckin' loaded!
- Vanilla Ice: Man, listen: Queen took 50 percent, Suge took the other 60 percent. I fuckin' *owe* money when that shit gets played, man!
- Todd: [after Jamie whispers in his ear] What? Agh! You fuck your brother?
- [the crowd uproars]
- Father Shakalu: Fucking white people.
- Masseuse: [sees 5 dollar bill in Donny's towel] What's this, sir?
- Donny: Oh, that's just a little, eheh, tip if you give me a full package.
- Masseuse: Oh, okay. That's a 150 dollar additional charge.
- Donny: Heh, you're talkin' to the wrong guy. That's a little out of my price range.
- Masseuse: It includes scalp treatment, reflexology...
- Donny: How much is it to tickle my pickle? To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass. I just want you to just jerk it a little bit.
- Todd: Donny! This isn't a brothel.
- Bridesmaid: So you actually knew Todd's father?
- Donny: Of course I knew the guy. He was handsome, he had fuckin' great hair, uh, a Jedi with the chicks. Went down on girls for a wicked long time 'cause he was a giver and he wanted to see others be happy.
- Helen: Oh, I wish I could have met him.
- Donny: Hi, I'm Todd Peterson.
- Hotel Desk Clerk #1: No, you're not. You're Donny Berger. You got your teacher pregnant.
- Donny: Okay.
- [Donny walks over to the next clerk]
- Donny: Hi, I'm Todd Peterson.
- Hotel Desk Clerk #2: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
- Donny: What room was my fiance in again?
- Hotel Desk Clerk #2: Let me check, 641.
- Donny: Thanks, you're a stud.
- [the first clerk gives the second clerk a confused look]
- Hotel Desk Clerk #2: Hey, when the legendary Donny Berger comes in here using a fake name, you go with it!
- Hotel Desk Clerk #1: Okay!
- Donny: We were friends for 20 years, guy!
- Vanilla Ice: We were friends until you banged my mother!
- Donny: I didn't know it was her, I swear to god! It's not like her last name is Ice!
- Vanilla Ice: You should'a known by the haircut!
- Jamie: [after the wedding derails, to Todd] Don't you see? It's gonna be even better now! You're a mess, I'm a mess. Come on, Doc Shakalu, get your ass up here!
- Father Shakalu: I gotta be part of this shit?
- [Catches Jamie in bed with Chad]
- Donny: Wait... are you ser...? What am i seeing? With each other? Am I...? This is... Is he your stepbrother, at least? Or adopted, or something? No reply, so it's real. Oh my god!
- Phil: Let me introduce myself: Hello, I'm Phil, I'm married with four children, and I've actually only seen three vaginas in my entire life - my wife's, my baby's, and my aunt's once by accident on the back of a tandem bike.
- Champale: [lifting her skirt] Well, here's #4, baby!
- Phil: I'm going to count that as numbers four and five!
- Phil: I would have loved to bang my freshman geometry teacher, Mrs. Weiss. I think she would have too, but I was too afraid to ask.
- Steve Spirou: I would have killed to have sex with my 8th grade biology teacher Mrs. Cohn.
- Gerald: I once stole my middle school librarian's glasses to wear while I masturbated. What's up with that?
- Grandma Delores: In my day, when you got in trouble, the headmaster slapped your hand with his dick.
- Todd: She wins.
- Donny: Mrs. Ravensdale, you wanna whip them knockers out? We'd love to see them.
- Mrs. Ravensdale: All right, you know what? You are an imbecilic, immature, asinine, childish, cave man-like, hairy knuckled, single chromosomal, obnoxious, uneducated, ignorant asshole who I would like to fuck hard and long!
- Donny: So I'm going to go put a dent in that.
- Strip Club DJ: And now looking hot and ignoring doctor's orders, let's welcome Amber.
- [Amber comes on stage in a neck brace]
- Kenny: What the fuck happened to her?
- Amber: Fuck you, Kenny!
- Strip Club Patron: Hey, what's up, RoboCop?
- Mary McGarricle: [after the Judge levies sentence against Miss McGarricle] Take care of our baby, Donny!
- Young Donny: Miss McGarricle, I'll never stop loving you!
- Judge: That is just fucking mental.
- Todd: [Talking to the priest after being reprimanded, almost whispering] You know I, can't hear a word you're saying. All I can focus on is your shit breath.
- [Miss McGarricle is handing back math tests]
- Mary McGarricle: [On Donny's test] A+ I'm going to sit on your face tonight!
- School Buddy #1: Hey Donny, what did you get?
- [Donny's friend sees the comment on his test in shock]
- Donny: Look at you guys. You've got your faces covered in leprechaun shit. We should be getting whacked off, all of us, as a fucking team!
- Donny: [the waitress brings in drinks] Oh, alright, alright, now we're talkin'. Thanks, honey. What the fuck's your name? Jessica. All right. Hey, come on, here's to the kid! He's fuckin' gettin' all fucked up, huh? Tonight! Last night! Fuckin' last night of poontang for this kid!
- [takes large sip from drink, then spits it out all over Jessica and Mrs. Ravensdale]
- Donny: What the fuck is this?
- Mrs. Ravensdale: It's water infused with cucumber, rose pedal, and harvest sandalwood.
- Donny: It tastes like fuckin' dick infused with balls, and a side of fuckin' raw sewage jizz.
- [from trailer]
- Jamie: [to Donny] Ever since you got here, Todd's been acting like a different person!
- Mary McGarricle: [notices Donny chewing gum] Is that gum in your mouth, Donny?
- [Donny unwillingly spits out the gum and gives it to Mary's outreaching hand. Mary then starts chewing the gum instead as Donny watches on uncomfortably]
- Mary McGarricle: [while seductively unbuttoning her shirt and bending down to Donny] You know, I've been watching you all year, Donny. When you hit that shot to beat Fairfield and you were jumping up and down in your little Larry Bird short-shorts and sweating like a jar of pickles in the hot sun...
- [groans]
- Mary McGarricle: Oh, God... that was so hot.
- [the two stare at each other a while]
- Young Donny: [after a pause] Is this... really happening?
- Mary McGarricle: This is happening.
- [she pulls up young Donny from his seat]
- Mary McGarricle: It's happening right now, in my office.
- Young Donny: [excitedly; while being taken to Mary's office] Okay. Awesome. So, I'm totally in. How do you wanna do it? 'Cause I made sex before, lots of ways. So, you wanna go straight to handjobs, or eating me out or taking me from behind?
- Mary McGarricle: [turns to Donny] I'll teach you.
- Young Donny: I'm a virgin...
- [door shuts]
- Young Donny: [after getting exposed to the school while having sex with his teacher Mary] My dad's gonna kick my ass!