Bikini Girls on Ice

Meh....That's about all you need to know.

When I see a movie with a title like "Bikini Girls on Ice" there are a few things that I expect. Bikinis are certainly one of them, as is nudity, poor acting, sex, and most importantly camp and silliness.

And it was the last two that the film was really lacking (though it wasn't exactly as advertised). It did need to be more salacious, but it also needed to be campy and silly with horribly low production values, a lot of skin, and a script, cast, and director that understood that they were just making a silly fun movie.

This film took itself far too seriously and it suffered from it.

Let's be honest, it's supposed to be a trashy fun totally inappropriate film, if you miss the FUN all you have is trash. And in this case, it's trash that isn't totally inappropriate.

Heading out for a team exercise, members of a cheerleading squad holding a bikini carwash are forced to use the seemingly abandoned gas station where they breakdown for their fundraiser only to find it home to a maniacal killer hunting them one-by-one.

This was a pretty solid slasher effort. Among its more intriguing aspects is the chilling slasher setup that works the formula quite effectively. The manner of acquiring the necessary bodies at the remote location, having the bus break down at the location forcing them to perform their duties there causes this to feel quite familiar for old-school slasher fanatics. With the familiar formula of the clueless kids wandering around the area and getting into surprise confrontations with the killer, it generates a likable and immersible setup. There's also a lot to like here with the actual slashing scenes throughout here. From the opening stalking and ambush of the lone traveler to the quick disposal of the tourists and in incredibly tense stalking in the darkened office building, this one manages to work an extremely effective mixture of suspense and brutality. The attacks are unrelenting and over-the-top in how much punishment is doled out to victims have a spectacular air to it, and with the high-energy finale as the relentless stalking and chasing which highlights his personality really well, there's quite a lot to like about it. There are a couple of flaws found here. The biggest issue here is the film's rather confusing and somewhat irritating main group of girls who are completely oblivious to everything around them and stay there far longer than they should. Staying there the entire day into the night in their bikinis is one thing but failing to recognize when others have left, leaving tasks to investigate unnatural noises that aren't human, or dealing with personal issues instead of staying together to put themselves in his path make them out to be far too stupid at times merely to prolong this one for no reason. The other issue that holds this back is the wholly confusing nature of the killer who's brutal but a complete unknown. The only clue to his name comes from a throwaway remark about the name tag on his uniform when they notice it near the end of the film, there's nothing about what he's doing the packed-in-ice thing for or what it means, and the entire thing with him is a blur. As well, the film somewhat suffers from some typical low-budget issues in terms of the effects work or other issues that denote its low-budget appeal, but overall, these aren't as detrimental.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Language, Graphic Violence, Nudity, and a sex scene.

If you are a horror geek you can't get a better title than Bikini Girls On Ice. One reason to give Geoff Klein (director and writer) a big cheer. Secondly, they knew how to promote their slasher, put a girl on the cover of the DVD wearing a revealing bikini, another cheer. So far the good points, sadly it's down hill from here on. It's really a slasher but one we have seen a thousand times. Nothing is explained about the killer, not who he is or why he's killing or why he use ice. Of course, once the girls have a break down with their bus on the way to a bikini car wash they've been warned by a local that something is terrible wrong with the abandoned gas station. The killer itself is believable but there is no gore in it. It's all filmed from the view of the victim so you only see him hitting and smashing heads. Now and then you see a bit of blood spurting on the lens. Just at the end it is enjoyable due the suspense given. And then there are of course the girls. Admit it, you not only watched it for the horror but also for the juggs. And it's a bit flat (no pun intended) on that way too. With a title like that you expect that the bikini's will be removed, well I have to disappoint you freaks, just one girl show her titties. And talking about their boobs, I guess the Americans will be disappointed by the 'natural' breasts by the girls. For the other geeks worldwide, there are no two-a penny fake tits wannabees. Maybe Suzi Lorraine has fake ones, she's the most loaded of them all. And have a look, the title really worked, I'm talking more about that than about the horror.

The title of this film puts me in mind of those figure-skating shows they put on at Christmas—only in this case, instead of Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty On Ice, it would be hot babes in itsy-bitsy bikinis performing the choctaws, camel spins, and triple salchows with a twist to the strains of Bolero (sadly, I imagine such an event is unlikely to happen due to the high risk of hypothermia).

Anyway, enough of these flights of fantasy... in reality, Bikini Girls On Ice is a routine slasher the likes of which we have seen many times before, only this time around the helpless female victims are a bunch of hot college girls in sexy swim-wear hoping to raise some cash by holding a bikini car-wash. En route to the location of the event, their bus breaks down outside an abandoned gas station, home to a hulking, wheezing, sweaty, lank-haired maniac called Moe who puts his prey into freezers packed with ice (hence the title!).

Exactly who Moe is, why he does what he does, and how come no-one has ever called in the cops to investigate is never explained, and that's just a few of the reasons why this movie sucks, even with the ever present sight of curvaceous cuties jiggling their bits in front of the camera. Other reasons why this films bites: only one pair of bare breasts; virtually no gore; extremely dumb characters; a killer who is able to pop up wherever he likes—the list goes on...

What I fail to understand is how anyone can make such a dreary film from such a simple set-up. You got a drooling inbred psycho and half a dozen sexy girls wearing nothing but scraps of material (the sort of garments that can be removed with one easy tug)—how hard can it really be to turn that into a reasonably entertaining movie?

3.5 out of 10, very generously rounded up to 4 for all the pretty ladies.

Bikini Girls on Ice tries to be a throwback to 80's slashers but lacks atmosphere, nudity, gore or a credible killer. I can live with the girls being terrible actors, clearly they were hired for their ability to wear a bikini but their characters were unlikable and dumb. Likewise, all the male characters except one are unlikable and dumb. The story, thin as it is, doesn't make any sense. The killer, played by William Jarand, kept making weird grunting sounds and was just not menacing. Maybe if this were edited down to 60 minutes it would be watchable, maybe slightly enjoyable, but there is just too much fluff. Slashers were a genre of their time, difficult to replicate these days.