- 8-Bit Lisa Simpson: One day, your video game too will be obsolete.
- Bart Simpson: No way! The Simpsons Game is awesome! Just because every video game up until now has been destroyed and forgotten doesn't mean ours will be.
- Lisa Simpson: Bart, she's right. I mean, I'm right. We're both right. No video game is safe from an industry that's always chasing the hot new thing! Sure, The Simpsons Game is great with it's unique upgradable character abilities, and it's hilarious self referential cut scenes, but what about when the Xbox 720 comes out, or the PlayStation 4? No one will want to play us then.
- Planetarium Guy: Pluto is the only planet not yet studied closely by the space probe, cuz it's booooring!
- William Shakespeare: [fighting Homer and Bart] A plague on both your arses!
- Bart Simpson: If it wasn't for the pompous nature of actors, your plays would be long forgotten.
- Marge Simpson: Bart! What are you doing next to a video game store?
- [gasps]
- Marge Simpson: Buying a video game!
- [she snatches the game from Bart]
- Marge Simpson: This is going to the same place that I put your swimsuit magazines and BB gun! Homer's underwear drawer.
- [she storms off]
- Bart Simpson: Oh great, now I've got nothing to play except the games I got yesterday. And I'm totally sick of those!
- [the Simpsons Game manual falls on Bart, who picks it up]
- Bart Simpson: The Simpsons Game? Hmm... the only Simpsons Game I know is when we pretend Dad isn't an alcoholic. Hey, it's a game about Springfield! With Dad as a character, and Mom, and Lisa... who'd wanna play her?
- [gasps]
- Bart Simpson: I'm in this game? I wonder what my powers are? Jumping, leaping gliding...
- [he turns into Bartman]
- Bart Simpson: All right!
- Homer Simpson: [appears clutching a gun and a magazine] Hey Bart, look what appeared in my magic drawer. Hey what's with the fruity get-up? If you're planning to come home like that don't bother.
- Homer Simpson: Oh my God! It's a nerd!
- Will Wright: Not just any nerd. The nerdiest nerd in the computerverse!
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's Will Wright. Designer of Sim City and The Sims.
- Will Wright: Don't forget my biggest flop: Sim Sandwich. It's failure drove me mad. Mad!
- Bart Simpson: You've got video game powers on your side. It's sort of like cheating except... cheating.
- Homer Simpson: Woohoo! Cheating!
- Bart Simpson: It's Sideshow Bob!
- Sideshow Bob: Don't bother crying out in terror. In space no one can hear you scream.
- Bart Simpson: We're not in space.
- Sideshow Bob: Well, we are on a spaceship.
- Homer Simpson: Not the same thing.
- [a panel on a game cartridge opens up, revealing the Simpsons family from the very first Simpsons game ever made]
- Homer Simpson: Wow. We look so pixely.
- Bart Simpson: And poorly rendered.
- Marge Simpson: Which one is supposed to be me?
- Lisa Simpson: [to Will Wright] Don't destroy them! They may be obselete, but they're still alive.
- 8-Bit Homer Simpson: Help! He's crazy!
- 8-Bit Bart Simpson: If he destroys us, we'll never escape from Krusty Island!
- 8-Bit Marge Simpson: I'm Marge!
- Homer Simpson: [to Will Wright] You can't do this!
- Will Wright: Of course I can! I'm Will Wright, bitch!
- Planetarium Guy: An asteroid belt separates the 4 inner planets from the 5 outer planets. My belt separates my gut from my junk.
- Planetarium Guy: In college, I ate another guy's barf to get into a fraternity.
- Planetarium Guy: Funny story - I killed the guy who was supposed to make me read the stuff about the planets.
- Lisa Simpson: If our life's a video game, then this must be the game engine.
- Homer Simpson: I'm not a video game character! I'm a real life person with dreams and feelings...
- [accidentally walks off the platform and falls, only to reappear next to them again]
- Homer Simpson: Alright, fine! I'm a video game guy.
- Homer Simpson: [while fighting the Lard Lad statue] Bart! You'll have to fight him! I'm too drunk to!
- Lisa Simpson: According to this you have video game powers too.
- Marge Simpson: So I can talk to fish like Aquaman? Or do whatever it is Hawkman does?
- Lisa Simpson: No, it says you have the power to make people do whatever you tell them to do.
- Marge Simpson: Just like Oprah.
- Lisa Simpson: It's the mother ship!
- Bart Simpson: This must be the level boss for this part of the game.
- Homer Simpson: The boss! Quick act natural.
- [puts on business glasses and pretends to write on a clipboard]
- Marge Simpson: [reading the newspaper] Yes! The legislative branch comes through again!
- Lisa Simpson: Uh, Mom? Keep reading.
- [Marge sees a picture in the paper showing Mayor Quimby accepting a bag of money]
- Marge Simpson: Hmmm... Quimby's cozying up to that sleazy video game producer. That really burns my beehive!
- Kent Brockman: Good evening Springfield! Kent Brockman here, chasing local imbecile, Homer Simpson, and his delinquent son, Bart, who've picked a fight with an out of control donut mascot statue!
- [when sending dog mob to attack a Scratchy gangster]
- Marge Simpson: Increase the peace... through violence!
- Planetarium Announcer: How often are you supposed to wash your hair? It's bad if you do it every day, right?
- Planetarium Guy: Saturn's seven rings are made of billions of ice particles. Just like the heart of my ex wife.
- Homer Simpson: [when approaching the Medal of Homer level] I can't think of a better way to honor our veterans than to turn their trauma into a video game!
- Mr. Burns: You know, Sarge, while your time-traveling son and grandson take down the flags, we could remove the priceless paintings from the village before the Germans get here. You know... for safekeeping.
- Grampa Simpson: You look and sound so evil. But, since you're American, I know that's not possible.
- Homer Simpson: Okay, I'm in this stupid Japanese game. But I'm not eating sushi, unless it's covered in chocolate and there's no sushi in it.
- White Chocolate Rabbit: Excuse me, fatty. You're eating our world.
- Homer Simpson: Hey! You look like that rabbit thing from that book about a girl named Alice who goes to Wonderland! What was it called? Oh yeah, Snow White in Stupidtown!
- Cletus: So, Sea Captain, tell me one-a-yer high seas adventures.
- Sea Captain: I'd be delighted. There I was, kidnapped by Filipino pirates, and they tells me, "You can win your freedom if you complete three tasks."
- Cletus: Wait, wait, wait, three? How many's that?
- Sea Captain: Three... it's, uh, the one after two.
- Cletus: Two, two, right. And which one is that again?
- Sea Captain: It's the one after one.
- Cletus: Huh. Okay. Great story!
- Kent Brockman: So you're the young man who's been dating my daughter.
- Kearney: Yeah, so what?
- Kent Brockman: Janice says you're in a band. Maggot Barf, is it?
- Kearney: It's Barf Maggot, old man! You wouldn't get it. And tell your daughter she needs to kiss me with more tongue!
- Sea Captain: Yarr, Groundskeeper Willie, why did we never become friends?
- Groundskeeper Willie: Your love is the sea, my love is the ground. It would nae never work!
- Sea Captain: Yarr, you're right. Let me ask you this then: can you loan me ten dollars?
- Alien #1: Why is it that people from the Nebulon galaxy are good at math, but people from the Andromeda galaxy are good at sports?
- Alien #2: That question is racist!
- Alien #1: How is that racist? I'm just pointing out a fact.
- Alien #2: Even if it is a fact, and I'm not saying it is, it's impolite to point it out.
- Alien #1: Oh, excuse me for being "galactically incorrect"!
- Alien #2: Shut up!
- Alien: Waylon, we can never tell anyone what happened between us.
- Waylon Smithers: No kidding! You think I want people to know?
- Alien: Well, maybe. Why? Are you ashamed of it?
- Waylon Smithers: Ah, of course not. But we both know what it was.
- Alien: Apparently I don't! Tell me, Waylon, what was it?
- Waylon Smithers: Please, let's just let it go.
- Ned Flanders: Well, at least now things can get back to normal.
- Ralph Wiggum: Normal is an illusionary state. The only constant is change.
- Ned Flanders: [shocked] What did you say?
- Ralph Wiggum: When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.
- Ned Flanders: Phew. That's more like it.
- Nelson Muntz: Haw-haw, everyone's frightened!
- Manjula: You are a mean little boy! What would your mother say if she heard you speak this way?
- Nelson Muntz: She wouldn't give a crap. She's too busy shakin' her fun bags for money!
- Manjula: Seriously? Oh, that breaks my heart. Do you want to come live with my family?
- Nelson Muntz: Really?
- Manjula: No. Haw-haw!
- Mr. Burns: Krusty the Clown, your antics and japes kept us all smiling through the troubles.
- Krusty the Clown: Thanks a bunch, Skeletor!
- [laughs]
- Mr. Burns: Priceless. Now I understand your real name is Herschel Krustofsky. What sort of name is that? Cornish? Flemish? Walloon?
- Krusty the Clown: It's Jewish.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, that's interesting. Um... I have to go now. Enjoy your next trip to the synagogue.
- Sea Captain: Yarr, I've had a great time today, kids. I almost never appear this much in the series.
- Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Huh?
- Sea Captain: ... of events that constitute your lives.
- [all laugh]
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, isn't it a little bit hypocritical that you're opposed to the violence in the Itchy and Scratchy game, but then you used violence to get your way?
- Marge Simpson: I'm sorry, Lisa, what? I just can't hear you over the roar of this appreciative crowd.
- [Lisa grumbles]