- Randal: Jay and Silent Bob are like C-3PO and R2-D2. They've been here since the first movie, which was the last time they were cool, but they've been with the franchise so long, they still give them cameos and put them on the lunch boxes.
- Randal: You saved my life, man. Wish I had a life worth saving.
- Dante: What are you talking about?
- Randal: I sit around and watch the same movies, over and over.
- Dante: I always thought you could have made a cool movie.
- Randal: You're right. I'm living on borrowed time. No more watching movies. I'm gonna make a movie!
- Randal: Can you give me one like Arnold Schwarzenegger?
- Auditioner: [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'm not even supposed to be here today!
- Randal: But can you, uh, Pacino that shit?
- Auditioner: [as Al Pacino] Hooo ahhhh...
- Dante: Oh, would you Shut the fuck up!
- Randal: That's not the line, man. What are you doing?
- Dante: My whole life, you've been running your mouth a million miles an hour and saying absolutely nothing! I gotta listen to you talk shit about everybody and everything, you'd think as if the world's waiting for you to weigh in! Nobody fucking cares!
- Randal: Oh, real nice, pal! Get me all worked up cuz it's not like I had a heart attack and almost...
- Dante: Died! I almost died! From a heart attack! Did I not mention that a couple thousand times yet?
- Randal: Fuck you!
- Dante: Hey everybody, look at me! I'm the boy who lived! So I gotta make a movie all about what a relentless fucking asshole I am to everybody I ever met, especially my so-called fucking friends!
- Randal: Oh, we're not friends anymore, man. You can fucking believe that shit.
- Dante: Good! Cuz if we're not friends, I don't have to worry anymore what the cold hard truth might do to your poor wittle heart!
- Randal: Don't worry about me, pal. I'll be just fine.
- Dante: So can I can be completely honest with you?
- Randal: Oh please. Be completely honest.
- Dante: You think you deserve a movie?
- Randal: Yeah.
- Dante: What did you ever do in life but watch it? And mock it?
- Randal: What have YOU ever fucking done?
- Dante: *I* had a life. I was this close to happily ever after and then... one drunk driver later... my movie's over. Forever. No happy ending! No sequel! Not even a third fucking act! Just fuck you and, oh, by the way, fuck you! Credits. Ah, but hey, what's that compared to a heart attack? I mean, shit! You could've almost died, right?
- Randal: Yeah.
- Dante: Well, some of us did die. Some of us have been dead inside ever since. And then, just when I'm able to walk into this place without wanting to kill myself every day, you have an idea. You want to make a movie about *your* life. Oh, and you've been very clear about that. It's *your* life! Well, get this, you self-centered, gapping wound of a human being, with your insatiable fucking ego!
- Randal: The fuck!
- Dante: *Your* life is my life! I've been there with you, the whole time! And since you know how hard my life's been on me, did it ever occur to you that maybe I didn't want to relive that fucking life? So I quit. As your producer. And I quit... as your fucking friend. Cuz I'm not even supposed to...
- Jay: You know, there are million fines in the world, dude!
- Randal: Millions of fines? What the hell, man? That's not the line. There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude.
- Jay: There are a billion behinds in this world, dude! Whoo!
- Randal: Not billions of behinds. A million of fine looking women.
- Jay: You know, they're killing swines in the world, dude!
- Silent Bob: Jesus fucking Christ, you non-acting fuck! I will do it myself! Ahem... You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude, but... they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you.
- Jay: You all-about-evening fuck...
- Silent Bob: Well?
- Randal: Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night.
- Randal: [Elias & Randal are at the hospital after Dante has a heart attack] Alright, look, I'm gonna get outta here. Call me as soon as they say something, alright?
- Elias: Wait, what? Where are you going?
- Randal: I'm gonna go work on my movie, man.
- Elias: You're movie?
- Randal: Yeah. I mean it's almost done, it's not like I'm doing Dante any good sitting around here. I might as well go work on my movie.
- Elias: Are you kidding me? Even *now*?
- Randal: "Even now" what?
- Elias: Oh, "my movie, my movie, everybody make MY movie, because it's SO important"!
- Randal: This is neither the time nor the place to do an impression of Christopher Nolan.
- Elias: I'm doing an impression of *you*, Randal! We're in the hospital!
- Randal: That's stating the obvious!
- Elias: No, the obvious statement right now would be "never mind the movie. My best friend's in the hospital"!
- Randal: It's just a heart attack. I had one! He'll be fine!
- Elias: Fuck you, Randal! Fuck you! God, man... I used to look up to you so much, but you're the worst, you know that? The worst in the world! Mr. Dante made your movie happen!
- Randal: *I* made my movie happen! *I* had the idea to make the movie! *I* wrote the script, and *I'm* the goddamn director! *I* made this movie happen! It was all *me*!
- Elias: Oh, it was all you, huh?
- Randal: Yeah!
- Elias: Take off your stupid mask, Randal. Because I remember Mr. Dante doing everything. He even called his ex-fiancé, who hates his guts, and put up *his* half of Quick-Stop just to get you the money to make your stupid movie!
- Randal: Wait a minute... Dante got the money for my movie from Emma...?
- Randal: [sees doctors pulling an unconscious Dante in a hospital bed] Dante! I didn't know about Emma! I just found out! I didn't know! Is he okay?