- [first lines]
- Narrator: Henry Meyerwitz had never wanted any children. But when he had his first, he remembered an old proverb. Commit a sin twice and it will not seem a crime. So he had more. And once a year, his sins, all grown up, gathered to celebrate his birthday. He didn't want to be there. They didn't want to be there. This year however, a book came out that made it even worse.
- Narrator: To his children, Henry Meyerwitz was more a face on a billboard than a father. He was like the Marlboro Man. But shorter. And Jewish.
- Joel Meyerwitz: Look, I'm am going to have a good life.
- Jack Meyerwitz: Well I really hope so, Joel.
- Joel Meyerwitz: And I'm gonna retire at 40.
- Jack Meyerwitz: You're 38, Joel. You're broke.
- Joel Meyerwitz: See, that's negative. How do you expect me to be positive with all the negativity raining down on me all the time?
- Doctor: Relax. Calm down. Okay?
- Jack Meyerwitz: Relax? You know what, we'll drain your penis and we'll see how calm you'll be.
- Henry Meyerwitz: [to Jack] I'm surprised you're even having a kid. Because as far back as I can recall, you never had any balls at all.
- Henry Meyerwitz: I didn't raise my kids to be quitters!
- Jack Meyerwitz: You didn't raise us at all, dad.
- Cheri Meyerwitz: [in hospital waiting room] What are we going to do if he dies?
- Jack Meyerwitz: We'll live.
- [last lines]
- Narrator: Even though it never was his intention. Henry Meyerwitz finally brought his family together. It nearly killed him.
- Cheri Meyerwitz: Your brother is supposed to protect you, your brother isn't supposed to betray you.
- Ephraim: Christ was betrayed too.
- Nathan Meyerwitz: The world isn't always polite, or didn't they teach that to you over at UCLA?
- Meg: I must have missed that class. You obviously didn't miss the one on condescension.
- Nathan Meyerwitz: I actually majored in that.
- Cheri Meyerwitz: My dad is f*cking the actress who plays his daughter?
- Ephraim: That's what it looks like.
- Cheri Meyerwitz: I'm saying it's karma, Nate. You caused a lot of pain and you caused a lot of suffering and now there's a price.