Ice Scream: The ReMix

Before I begin, let me make something very clear. I have a special place in my heart for B movies. To my mind they can be fun, cheesy goodness. A happy place where over-acting is encouraged, so as to give the more laid back amongst us a cheap laugh. I have found a way to enjoy innumerable B movies, and I thought I would be in for a treat with this one. I WAS WRONG!

The main cast of this movie look like they are fresh from a soft-core porn set. In fact, a good deal of the ladies in this movie have done exactly that. This is not a bad thing, however. It serves to give you something to stare at while enjoying line deliveries that only porn actresses can pull off. You can get even more cheap laughs out of Richard Van Vleet's character who looks like a middle-aged man thats been trying his whole life to get into the porn industry, but never quite made it. This cast could have added up into one glorious train wreck of awesomely bad acting. Which is exactly what I wanted. But then Ryan Click came along.

With God as my witness, I have now sat through the absolute worst thing I EVER could have imagined. Ryan Click plays this annoying, little teenager who is meant to be the "bumbling moron" but only serves to be a character so bad, so painful to watch, that it feels like my brain is in a cheese grater. Now, I know that B movie characters are meant to be bad. But they're meant to be laughably bad. This guy... I.. I can't even say how I really feel about him, because there's too much profanity going through my head. Lets just say that its like someone tried to clone Jim Carey, but only succeeded in getting the annoying bits. Then just for good measure, threw in the annoying parts of Michael Cera, just to make us hate him even more. His performance is so mind-bendingly horrendous, that there are several scenes of wonderfully pointless nudity, that are decimated by the mere presence of Click. This man is one of the few people capable of mustering a performance that can make Pauly Shore look good. And that is not a statement that I make lightly.

What Click does in this movie is so terrible to watch, that I actually consider him to be a great and blinding insult to the mentally handicapped community. Oh yes! I am not kidding. People who require assistance to button their shirts in the morning should be offended by this guy.

This movie was never destined to be something great, or even something good. But with Ryan Click's performance it becomes one of my most hated movies of all time. I'v watched some films that have been completely carried by a single actor. But never have I seen one where just a single member of the cast drags it down to such a low level.

Avoid At All Costs!

The owner of some ice cream shop decides to make it an "adult" shop by having bikini-clad attendants. What's adult about bikinis I don't know. The ice cream flavors also get sexually suggestive names.

So we get to see the girls, there are 5 of them I think, but only 3 main ones, as they serve ice cream in seductive ways to a bunch of sorry customers. We also meet some slow kid who works there as well in the back, and the wife of the owner.

Soon enough some killer starts killing the girls and others. A dumb cop shows up with his hot assistant. There's a lot of running around from the shop to the back room. The killer keeps killing and every time the cop shows up to do nothing. Occasionally the deaths are gory. And every time the killer shows up he's accompanied by some loud song. Most are OK metal songs but there are some other lousy songs as well in other genres.

This movie is like one those 90s bikini-themed movies that just like strip-joint-themed movies were never particularly good nor titillating. It comes down to the 3 girls then. And they have great bodies, but as usual, the least pretty one is the one that's topless or naked the most. The other two, Bobbi Billard and Gelusa Zaripova are stunning. Gelusa in particular gives her all, smiling and being seductive in every scene she's in. She seems genuinely happy to be in this movie, while Billard doesn't even try to look like she's into it. At some point we learn who the killer is and the reason for the killings. Not that it matters. Unfortunately, the whole bikini thing doesn't lead to a lot of nudity instead the ice cream setting gives them an excuse to cover the girls in jelly, whipped cream, and other toppings.

This has to be one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Essentially, "Ricky" (Richard Van Fleet) is the owner of an ice cream parlor who decides to increase sales by having his female employees dress in skimpy attire and giving raunchy names to all of the flavors on the menu. And although his scheme appears to be working, he doesn't count on a serial killer murdering his employees one by one. Anyway, so much for the extremely basic plot. Having said that, I firmly believe that in order for this particular film to be successful it needed at a bare minimum a good script, great actors or some really outstanding special effects. Unfortunately, it had none of these things. As a matter of fact, other than possibly the presence of Akira Lane (as "Mindy") I saw nothing remarkable about this movie at all. Nothing. It wasn't scary, it wasn't suspenseful and it wasn't funny. In short, this was a complete waste of time and I have rated it accordingly.

This film is some serious low budget horror/comedy. It's set in an adult ice scream store? Where a masked psycho is killing off the girls who work there. (The girls who wear next to nothing) The death scenes are pretty graphic, it's clear to see what they spent most the films money on. The Acting is very poor and is probably the funniest thing in this film. But let's be honest. This doesn't matter as we get the delight of watching Bobbi Billard wearing a bikini for 90 minutes. Oh and of course, the lets spray each other with whipped cream slow motion scene. Which was a particular favourite of mine? This film is a great late night after pub film.

I already had the other cut of this movie (Hot Blood Sundae) and having both is an absolute must for any collector of campy horror films! The movie was hilarious, who can argue with fake blood and hot women?? The most stand out character is newcomer Bobbi Billard, who will we will be seeing more of soon I'm sure. Not only is she the hottest woman I have ever seen, she makes this film what it is. Without her performance this would have been another run-of-the mill over the top horror film (which are a dime a dozen these days) but she has a special, honest quality (and a smokin' hot bod) that makes this film worth every second. I watched this with my girlfriend, who wasn't too keen at first thinking it would just be boobs and blood, but by the end of the movie she was having as much fun as I was, I even got treated to my own hot girlfriend sundae afterward ;) Two thumbs (and a tentpole) up!