Maiko haaaan!!!

"Maiko Haaaaan!!!" is the sort of film that I should've enjoyed. I'm a confirmed Japanophile, I visit it at least once a year, I love Kyoto's Gion district (well, the north Gion; the south is too touristy for my taste), and I always love seeing (or hearing) geiko and maiko, the two subsets of geisha in Kyoto. Also, I thoroughly enjoy "Shimotsuma Monogatari" ("Kamikaze Girls"), a movie that is structurally very similar to "Maiko Haaaaan!!!", and even shares some actors. So why did I give "Maiko Haaaaan!!!" just 3 stars and why do I call it "nearly unwatchable"?

There are two main reasons. First, the performance by Abe Sadao is one of the most annoying things I've ever witnessed on the screen. Imagine Jerry Lewis at his most irritating. Imagine Moe Howard from the Three Stooges. Add their over-the-top scenery-chewing, mugging, shrieking and contorting together, and -- there! You've grasped Abe Sadao's character. He was mildly interesting in "Shimotsuma Monogatari", but mostly because he retained an air of mystery (and his outlandish appearance was nevertheless underplayed). Not so here. He's turned up to eleven, and he's not coming back down anytime soon.

And the other reason? The script is an utter mess. It starts out as a broad comedy farce, breaks the fourth wall and becomes a musical, transforms into a tragicomedy, goes out for fast food, comes back for a while, goes into therapy, and finally ends as a maudlin "romantic comedy", while doing none of those things well. The tear-jerking elements just come off as sappy and unbelievable, and the "McGuffin" is simply incapable of making us care. And at more than two hours long, watching "Maiko Haaaaan!!!" is a bit like getting your toenails slowly pulled off. You know it will be better when it's over with, but there's still no end in sight.

If you like colorful, fast-paced, slightly screwball Japanese comedies, there are some great ones out there, from "Shimotsuma Monogatari" to to "Samehada Otoko to Mojiri Onna" ("Shark Skin Man and Peach Hip Girl"). They're well-scripted, breezy and never get too broad. If "Maiko Haaaaan!!!" had been likewise crafted, it might have been a second-string to those two classics of their genre. Instead, it plays like "Jerry Lewis in 'Hay Priddy Japanese LAAAAAy-DEEEEE!'"

I never thought a Japanese comedy movie could be so good... Especially on a field (Geisha) which I had absolutely no interest in. The lead, Abe Sadao is simply amazing. His face is so disgusting, yet he can make such good emotions, perfect for an Otaku (something-nerd, Geisha-nerd in this case). It's amusing Yamada Takayuki cameos in this movie, because Abe Sadao would've made a WAAAY better Densha Otoko.

This is a really silly movie, it's a story that can NEVER happen in real life, but it's executed so well that it's not cheesy at all, unlike many other Japanese comedy movies I've seen that failed. The story and script for this film is really something.

The cast for this movie is really impressive. So many established actors and popular actors who could be in leading roles participate as supporting cast.

This is a really well-directed movie that had me teary eyed after around 30 minutes. Mostly from laughing too hard, but some scenes and plots near the end though, was really touching. Easily the best Japanese comedy movie of 2007.

I'm a huge fan of Japanese comedies. I'm also a huge fan of Kou Shibasaki. Needless to say, I was really excited to see Maiko Haaaan at my earliest convenience. Some extremely positive reviews added fuel to my fire, but that anticipation began to wane within the first 10 minutes of watching this film.

To be frank, the biggest problem is the main actor – Sadao Abe. This guy proves to be extremely annoying with his persistent, hysterical screaming. When I looked up his filmography I got flashbacks of other irritating performances. Remember Ryuji the Unicorn from the excellent "Kamikaze Girls" (2004)? Well, he was easily the most annoying actor in that one. Remember that psycho kid from the great "Uzumaki" (2000)? Well, he was easily the most annoying actor in that film as well. Seriously, they should have found someone else for Maiko Haaaan and ramped down the unnecessary shrieking, because he single-handedly destroys the enjoyability of this film. Kou Shibasaki is great as always, but she's got nothing to work with here.

Another big negative is the script, which is shamelessly weak. The greatest strength of Japanese comedies is the scriptwriting. Trust me, no country outside of Japan could come up with "Survive Style 5" (2004). Maiko Haaaan is reminiscent of Wong Jing's Hong Kong comedies that use cheap hysterical behavior for comedy. Just pump your lead actor full of caffeine and have him scream and jump around. It simply doesn't work that well. Now, there are a few funny moments to be had (like the ramen noodle sponsored baseball game), but for the most part it ranges between cringeworthy and mediocre.

Listen, there are a bunch of much better Japanese comedies out there to see before this one: "Swing Girls" (2004), "Kamikaze Girls" (2004), "Survive Style 5" (2004), "Happiness of the Katakuris" (2001), "What Did the Lady Forget?" (1937), "Sukeban Boy" (2006), "Ohayo" (1959), the "Trick" television series, "Cutie Honey" (2004), "Bubble Fiction" (2007), "Warm Water Under the Red Bridge" (2001), "Karaoke Terror" (2003), "Crazy Lips" (2000), and "Adrenaline Drive" (1999) to name but a few.

I am currently studying in Japan for the summer, and I had seen a thousand billboards advertising the colorful movie "Maiko Haaan!!" When Wednesday rolled around (and women could see movies for 1000 yen instead of 1800), I knew I wanted to see that. I'm so glad I did. In all honesty, I could not keep up with most of the dialogue (I've only studied for 2 years, after all), but even without it, I was laughing so hard throughout the entire film. It's rather slapstick, so most of the humor was action based and didn't require words. In the movie, a Maiko (young geisha) obsessed office worker has a dream - to spend an evening with a Maiko. Though it sounds simple, in typical Japanese fashion, craziness soon ensues. A Broadway style musical number, a "success" war between the main character and his rival (where they try to out-awesome each other by becoming boxers, baseball players, and even politicians), and a cute little maiko army is just a handful of what you'll see in this movie. Hopefully, this'll be released on DVD with English subtitles and the US can enjoy this movie as much as I did.