- Mary Horowitz: Mary, why do you wear those stupid red boots all the time? You wanna know why? Because it makes my toes feel like 10 friends on a camping trip, that's why.
- Angus: Hartman, for the love of God, stop tanning! You look like a Cheese Nip! You look like an orange with lips.
- Angus: And you! Geraldo! Lose the wig! You look like a retired porn star. Who you fooling? Oh, that's a great disguise, Einstein. THE VAN'S THE SAME, DUMBASS!
- Mary Horowitz: I think you mean, am I conscious? Not, am I conscience?
- [People Chuckling]
- Mary Horowitz: 'Conscious' means alert and awake. 'Conscience' is your inner morality gauge... you know, the thing that stops you from doing bad things... e.g., killing, stealing, harming helpless animals and whatnot.
- Vasquez: Can we leave her down there?
- Mary Horowitz: To answer your question, yes, I am conscious. My leg is bleeding, though I'll probably live. Yours truly, Mary Horowitz. P.S. Did anyone lose a little deaf girl? I found one. She's fine, other than not being able to hear, I mean.
- Mary Horowitz: There's over a million Stevens with a "V" in the country. It's much more popular than the "PH" way. Twice as popular, in fact. I think it was the the Brits who prefer their PH's.
- Steve: [in British accent] Yeah. Not as much as their fish and chips.
- Mary Horowitz: It's a raw iron made from iron and coke. And by coke, I mean the carbonaceous residue, not the cola... or the booger sugar.
- Mary Horowitz: Yeah, if I, uh, I had a car on my way to Galveston I could go through Durant, Oklahoma where they have the World's Largest Peanut.
- Steve: Oh, Jesus! She's got a machete! Where the hell did she get a machete? Oh, man! She's gonna pluck my eyes out, man! She is gonna carve my eyes out and she's gonna make me eat them!
- Corbitt: Keep talking fellas. Keep talking your way right back to the Weather Channel. Right back to 10 degrees in Buffalo, where you'll be spending most of your days taking close-up shots of kids' snotcicles.