James Roday Rodriguez credited as playing...
Shawn Spencer • Rodney Caruso • Self
- Shawn Spencer: Good morning, detectives! Collecting donations for the Policeman's Ball?
- Carlton Lassiter: We don't have balls.
- Shawn Spencer: I honestly have no response for that.
- Carlton Lassiter: Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation?
- Shawn Spencer: Uhhh... The case gets solved?
- Shawn Spencer: Oh, you mean my pilot's license? That's out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're referring to my license to kill. Revoked. Trouble at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I'd have to kill you, which I can't do because my license to kill has been revoked.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn? What the heck are you doing here?
- Shawn Spencer: I should ask you the same question.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I work here!
- Shawn Spencer: I should ask you a different question.
- Carlton Lassiter: So you think someone planted it in his locker?
- Shawn Spencer: No, I think someone put it there on purpose.
- Carlton Lassiter: That's what I just said.
- Shawn Spencer: But mine wasn't in the form of a question, so it came from a place of power.
- Carlton Lassiter: I need to get something off my chest.
- Shawn Spencer: Is it your shirt? Please say no.
- Shawn Spencer: Remember, Dad, you treat a woman like a person, then a princess, then a goddess, then a person again.
- Karen Vick: It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He's no longer on the force, and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?
- Shawn Spencer: Yes, you do, Chief. What isn't clear is why people always say "goes without saying," yet still feel compelled to say the thing that was supposed to go without saying. Doesn't that bother you?
- Karen Vick: No, and frankly, I could care less.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Now, that's the one that bothers me. Why do people say, 'I could care less' when they really mean, 'I couldn't care less?'
- Karen Vick: Well, why don't you tell me how to properly say this? If you share any official information about this case with your father, or let him anywhere near any new evidence, then the two of you will have to find another police department to work for, and I will personally see to it that each of you is charged with obstruction of justice.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You split an infinitive.
- Shawn Spencer: Good catch, Gus!
- Karen Vick: You two realize I carry a gun, right?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: That was perfectly elocuted.
- Henry Spencer: I don't even know how that ridiculous urban legend got started.
- Shawn Spencer, Burton 'Gus' Guster: [stare at each other]
- Shawn Spencer: [whispering] It was your big-ass mouth!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I wanted to keep it a secret! You were the one who was broadcasting it at the lunch table!
- Shawn Spencer: I can't believe this...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: We actually started an urban legend.
- Shawn Spencer: That's dope.
- Shawn Spencer: Good morning detectives, collecting money for the Policeman's ball?
- Carlton Lassiter: We don't have balls.
- Shawn Spencer: I honestly have no response to that.
- Receptionist: There is a Lt. Crunch here to see you.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Crunch?
- Shawn Spencer: [enters, dressed in a Civil War uniform] Actually, I've been promoted. It's Captain Crunch.
- Shawn Spencer: I can't believe this. You lifted your look right off this mannequin!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: On the contrary, Shawn. Clearly, someone is stealing my look.
- Shawn Spencer: Right... I did see Tommy Hilfiger creeping from bush to bush sketching you.
- Shawn Spencer: How can you tell that someone's a compulsive liar? I mean, assuming that their pants aren't on fire.
- Shawn Spencer: I'm Shawn Spenstar and this is by partner, Gus "TT" Showbiz.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: The extra T is for extra talent.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'm a man of untold mystery. that's why my friends call me G.
- Shawn Spencer: Ha. That's funny. I thought they called you Big-Head Burton.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Don't ever say that name, Shawn. Besides, I know it was you who started that.
- Shawn Spencer: I'm sorry, Gus, I have a knack for alliteration. I'm a slave to it. Besides, how many words start with a B?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: About a thousand! You could have used bold, black, beautiful...
- Shawn Spencer: Dude, who would have called you Black Burton?
- Shawn Spencer: The important thing is that you got your cover story.
- Reporter: Actually, it's page 64.
- Shawn Spencer: It really depends on how you fold it, doesn't it?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Great. Now you've gotten me kicked out of a funeral. Just add it to the list. Kicked out of Petsmart, kicked out of Santa's Village, kicked out of the Salvation Army...
- Shawn Spencer: Dishonorably discharged!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Now everybody on my mom's side of the family thinks that I'm a psychic detective, and they think you're...
- Shawn Spencer: Gay?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: No.
- Shawn Spencer: German?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: No.
- Shawn Spencer: Invisible?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: My assistant.
- Shawn Spencer: Wow.