Two Front Teeth

On the Elf Daze of Christmas... cinematic true love gave to us - Two! Front! Teeth! Four tanks of fake blood, Three lethal nuns, Two karate Santas, and a black comedy about Christmasphobia!

Two Front Teeth is not for everyone, it's a low-budget labor of love with no recognizable names in it - but if you like horror movies, horror-comedy, and if you have an appreciation of Christmas (and Christmas specials) and movies made for love, it's worth checking out.

It's about an intrepid but neurotic tabloid reporter with a childhood-ingrained phobia of Christmas (picture Phoebe Cates in Gremlins as portrayed by Christopher Reeve or Bruce Campbell) whose worst fears come true when evil monsters start showing up one picturesque December. Jamie Nash is a pun-tastic writer and they're all over this movie (the conspiracy theory-laced holiday paper is called "The X-Mas Files", deadly-but-silent holiday warriors bill themselves as the Silent Knights, and just check out the title itself... it's about a vampire Santa Claus). Investigative reporting takes him and his girlfriend deeper and deeper into danger.

On a pretty modest budget, this flick pulls off martial arts stunts, terrific latex make-up, nifty little props (the Gingerbread Man-shaped GPS transmitter was a favorite but the newspaper was probably tops), buckets of blood, and animated "classic Christmas cartoon from childhood"-style flashbacks. If you dig a movie with a lot of love from every department in each scene, and if you like a b-movie homage to horror-comedy now and then, you might like this one.

To get into the Christmas spirit I recently watched Two Front Teeth, A Christmas Horror Story, and the remake of Black Christmas. I was surprised to find that the modest Two Front Teeth was the most enjoyable of the three.

First off, this is a no-budget horror movie made by fans. Therefore, one must look past several technical hiccups. The most annoying is the lousy cinematography. The look screams amateur hour, and the smearing on pan shots can produce seasickness in a viewer. The film looks awful!

Thankfully, the filmmakers compensate for the visually unappealing nature of their movie with a witty script. Writer Jamie Nash has crammed his screenplay with puns about, and pop culture references to, Christmas. Nash has had the brilliant idea to make his protagonist a tabloid journalist working for a paper (The X-mas Times) which specializes in Christmas misadventure: demon possessed snowmen, Christmas cookie poisoning, and, of course, what really brought down a 747. It is this last story that kicks off the chase that takes up most of the movie. Nash has thrown in nasty elves, ninja nuns ("The Silent Nights"), and, as a MacGuffin, a most familiar nose.

In addition to the script, the filmmakers get mileage from a game cast of unknowns. Megan Pearson is the standout, partially because she has the best lines. I also liked Michael Brecher as the one eared editor. Even among the lesser roles, none of the actors embarrass themselves, something not true in every low budget horror film.

Two Front Teeth charms the viewer into submission. Many viewers will be tempted to turn this film off after the first five minutes because it looks (and is) so cheap. However, if given time, Two Front Teeth can work a little Christmas magic.

Alright, so, I'm gonna need a little grain-alcohol in my eggnog if I'm even gonna attempt to tackle this one... *SIGH* Much better. Now, where was I? Oh Yeah!! What a quaint, little treat for the whole family. Brought to you by the ever controversial Unearthed Films, as well as a couple of guys who clearly despise Christmas, yet, have an absolute genius sense of humor. Part cult-comedy, part mean-spirited, Z-grade Horror, and 100% bad taste. B-Horror fans. I give you the greatest Holiday Horror since Silent Night Deadly Night. this is Two Front Teeth!! Starring the legendary Johnny Francis Wolf as Gabe Snow, a neurotic tabloid writer (The X-mas files) with a hatred/fear of Christmas, is investigating the truth behind a terrible plane crash of flight 1225. Along with his emotionally abusive wife, Gabe sets out to uncover the mystery of this evil vampire Santa. Uh, yeah, in this movie, Santa is a Vampire. Nice touch? Probably not, but he sure does look hilarious. Clausferatu (Santa) has all kinds of henchmen to take care of his dirty work, like zombie elves, and ninja nuns (silent knights). Yeah, I know, but just go with it, because the weirdness will not let up until the final battle of semi-good vs. evil (and weird) has been had. As funny as it is creepy, this peculiar gem of a so-called Horror movie just ain't for the normal Horror fan. A cold, cynical tone lingers throughout this surreal tale. Even considering the dark-humored outrageousness of it all, and not to mention the ever-appreciated raunchy humor, the real highlight of the night is the odd relationship between Gabe and his cheating wife, Noelle. Those two are great together, with Gabe as a spineless coward, and Noelle, with her anger-issues and whatnot. Very entertaining stuff. Two Front Teeth is a worthwhile purchase for any time of the year, and no doubt a future classic of Exploitation. And if you can't get enough of Holiday weirdness, you could always watch this as a double feature with Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. Either way, Do yourself a favor and witness the craziest Christmas Horror of them all, asap. Happy Holidays, B-Horror fans. 8/10

My wife and I saw this movie at the Utopia Film Festival in Greenbelt MD and she wants the DVD the day it comes out. The three lead actors, Johnny Francis Wolf, Megan Pearson & Joseph L. Johnson are perfect in their roles. How can you not want to see a movie that has Ninja Nuns and Kung-Fu Santas? BTW, if they ever make a biopic of Christopher Reeve, Wolf should get the role. There are a couple minor plot points that bugged me but the crowd laughed and jumped in all the right places and applauded for the film. Jamie Nash's clever dialogue was the highlight of the film. And there are quite a few homages paid to a number of pop culture icons including the magic flashing Kolchak camera that protects you from everything. I hope you have the pleasure of seeing this movie soon.