The Witches of Breastwick

You've got to be a die-hard fan to embrace this one. Though the film has many exciting scenes, and an interesting idea, it goes on too long and only comes to life near the climax. There are many reasons why this film doesn't work, but the most obvious one is simple: it's played way too straight and serious for its own good. The movie's opening scene is its best. Overall, the film was, I would say, "eh". I will never understand the hate for this movie. I found it to be sensational. Like other great dramadies, it is filled with charm, innocence and drama and romance. It's not quite worth 8 out of 10, so I give it a solid 7 out of 10 and urge you to check it out if you can find it.

If you like huge, fake breasts, then you will probably love this soft-core porn flick. The three witches (Glori-Anne Gilbert, Julie K. Smith, Stormy) and the mysterious girl (Taimie Hannum) all sport enormous man-made fun-bags, while the other chicks have partially synthetic hooters of various sizes. In fact, there's not a completely real breast in the whole movie (not including male actors, of course). If you prefer natural breasts as I do, then you are watching the wrong movie. However, as much as I hate large fake breasts, I will admit that this is still a better than average soft-core flick.

The plot is silly, but that's almost always true for soft-core, and personally, I prefer the silly or over-the-top stupid plots to the flicks that attempt a serious plot, like all the soft-core crime drama flicks. The acting is better than average for this type of movie, and the production values are pretty good, except for one sex scene shot half in the shadows and half in sunlight and another dimly lit one.

The first 30 minutes of this movie gets a little talky, but the last 45 minutes is pretty much wall-to-wall sex scenes. And all of the sex scenes are lengthy. Which is good, right? Who wants to watch 10 minutes of "plot" to get to 60 seconds of sex scene like in some soft-core flicks? I prefer 5 minute sex scenes separated by a couple of minutes of dialogue to setup who is going to do who next.

The five male/female sex scenes all range from better than average to very good. I especially like the scene with the witch Felicia (Stormy) and the dimly lit scene with the mystery girl (Taimie Hannum). Oddly, for me the most erotic scene in the movie is not one of the many sex scenes, but the lengthy striptease performed down a long conference table by the doctor's assistant (Jodie Moore).

Now for the two female threesome sex scenes, one in a hot tub and another in a bathtub. This is where the flick disappoints me the most. These scenes consist mostly of the girls wriggling, lightly caressing each other, and posing for the camera instead of attempting to simulate any type of sexual contact. And since they're half underwater, nothing's going on below the waist, and all those nice tails and legs are out of view. There are a few light kisses and nipple licks, but more fake ones than real ones. I hate it when a chick in soft-core pulls the old "I'm gonna kiss her on the mouth, but oops, I missed" or the old "I'm trying to lick her nipple but my tongue isn't long enough" nonsense. If the people who make hard-core or the "Girls Gone Wild" flicks can find girls who will actually french kiss each other and touch each other sexually, why can't the makers of most soft-core films find actresses who will at least act like they enjoy kissing and touching other girls?

As for rating the ladies, I found Stormy, Taimie Hannum and Julie K. Smith (as the witch Lola) all very appealing despite my preference for natural boobs. Monique Parent (as the wife) is one of my all-time favorite soft-core actresses. I've always loved her slender, tight, fair-skinned body and red hair, but now that she's hit 40 and added a few pounds, she's starting to look very average for this type of movie. Check her out in her older soft-core flicks. I loved Jodie Moore in her one scene. And as for Glori-Anne Gilbert (as the witch Rebecca), she didn't do it for me despite the fact that her facial features and husky voice constantly reminded me of Mira Sorvino.

Overall, a better than average soft-core flick, and if you love great big 'uns, a great soft-core flick.

The Witches of Breastwick (2005)

*** (out of 4)

Fun softcore spoof has David (Joe Souza) having a dream that he is tied up by three mysterious women. This dream has been going on for several weeks and his wife Tiffany (Monique Parent) is started to get worried. Soon the two are out having sex and David notices a tree from his dream. Soon they go searching and find the women from David's dream.

As the title suggests, this here is one of those low-budget spoofs and this one here is actually pretty darn good. If one is looking for CITIZEN KANE then obviously you're not going to find it here but if you're a fan of these softcore spoofs then there's a lot to enjoy here. Director Jim Wynorski pretty much delivers one non-stop sex scene after another with one beautiful woman right after the other.

What I enjoy most about Whynorski's work is that there's really no fat in the picture and he pretty much keeps things moving at a very fast pace. There's nothing worse than watching a plot less film that pretty much slows down and you lose interest in what you're seeing. Some might say that there's nothing to see in a film like this outside of the women and I'd somewhat agree but I'm sure we've all seen films that are full of nudity and yet they still get boring.

THE WITCHES OF BREASTWICK has a fairly funny, if very simple, plot and the actors all do a nice job with their scenes. Souza makes for a good leading actor in a film like this and he's got some real beauties surrounding him including Stormy Daniels, Julie K. Smith and Jodie Moore. As you'd expect, the sex scenes are pretty non-stop but they're quite sexy and fun.

I was up late one night playing starcraft when I happened to stumble upon this movie, given the clever title, I decided to watch it. Although my friends KT and Kain were disappointed that I left my game to watch this movie, all I can say is that this movie was head and shoulders above any game I've ever played. Quite possibly one of the best Cinemax movies of all time, the scenes are realistic and the women scorching, although some of the witches are definitely more endearing than the others, the plot line has a nice balance of tackyness and credibility, and there are tons of different scenes to satisfy all of those looking for some good, late-night movies, including G-G and M-G. Although it isn't going to be winning any awards, the acting isn't half bad and is much better than what is usually on. I give it 10 out of 10 inches.

It's director Jim Wynorski. Same house a bunch of his T&A flicks were shot at. It shares a lot of similar setups, boobs, simulated sex and vibe. Julie K Smith is here - yay - but it's hard to enjoy 'Witches' when you've seen an identical product nearly three times in a row. Chronologically it's the second of the four released. 'Lust Connection' and 'Witches' came in 2005 and then Jim followed up with 'The Breastford Wives' and 'House on Hooter Hill' in 2007. The extremely busty Glori-Anne Gilbert is the one and only consistent face thru them all.

'Witches of Breastwick' repeats the thin plot motif, but a little more heavier on dialog. Julie K Smith's appearance is better than what's found in 'Lust Connection'. While pornstar Stormy Daniels makes her debut in a Wynorski flick. Those two plus Glori-Anne make up the trio of the titular witches looking to perform a sacrificial ritual of the lone dude. Who's been racked with nightmares over these women which ultimately drew him there.

Monique Parent plays his wife. Jodie Moore shows up to do a brief strip as a therapist assistant and Taimie Hannum is the prerequisite warning female who also wants to have sex with the dude. A slight bump in explicitness was a welcomed surprise. You actually get to see some muff. More magical poisoned wine. Brisk runtime (78 mins). Shot quickly and cheaply. Of the bunch, I thought 'The Breastford Wives' delivered the best across the board, but this is alright as long as you don't sit thru them all.