Mike Myers: Shrek

Shrek le troisième

Shrek

Shrek: I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happened?
Puss in Boots: Allow me to explain. When a man falls in love with a woman, he is overcome with powerful urges...
Shrek: I know how it happened! I just can't believe it.
Donkey: [to Puss] How does it happen?

Shrek: Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, "Oh, no you di'n't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's wack!
[Shrek gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]
Artie: Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me!
[knocks on the door of a tree incessantly]
Artie: Knock, knock. Hello! Hello!
[a holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door]
Merlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare-
[the holograph cuts off. Merlin comes out the front door and says]
Merlin: I knew I should have got that warranty.

Shrek: [after the royal page comes into the bedroom just as he was about to kiss Fiona] Someone had better be dying.
[cuts to everyone in the King's bedroom]
King Harold: I'm dying...

Guinevere: Ahem. This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly and she thought perchance thou would want to ask her to the homecoming dance or something.
Shrek: Excuse me?
Guinevere: It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff.

Artie: [convincing Merlin to help them get back to Far Far Away]
[weeping like a troubled teen]
Artie: It's just so hard, you know? They really need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble, 'cause there's a really bad man... and it's just so hard!
Merlin: Come on, take it easy!
Artie: No! I don't think you understand!
[collapses at Merlin's feet]
Artie: There's a mean person doing mean things to good people
Shrek: Oh, have a heart, old man
Artie: And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them?
[collapses and sobs inaudibly]
Merlin: [awkwardly] Oh, ok... Um, I'll go and get my things
Artie: [stands up and clears his throat]
[to Shrek]
Artie: Piece of cake.

Donkey: What in the shestershire is this place?
Shrek: Well, my stomach's aching and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school.

Artie: You know, Shrek, you're all right. You just need to do a little less yelling, and use more soap.
Shrek: Thanks, Artie.
Artie: The soap is because you stink. Really bad.
Shrek: Yeah, I got that.

Artie: And so, people, I hope you enjoy your stay in prison, while I rule the free world, baby!
Shrek: All right, don't overdo it.
Artie: I'm building my city, people, on rock 'n' roll!
Shrek: You just overdid it.

Shrek: Fiona, try to be reasonable. Have you seen a baby lately? All they do is eat and poop, and then they cry, and they cry when they poop, and poop when they cry. Now imagine an *ogre* baby. They extra cry, and they extra poop.