- Mooj: Hey Andy, don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not eveybody's a pussy magnet. You, uh, what are you, 25?
- Andy Stitzer: I'm 40.
- Mooj: Holy shit, man, you got to get on that!
- Beth: [Andy is following Cal's advice to only ask questions when talking to a woman] Can I help you?
- Andy Stitzer: I don't know. Can you?
- Beth: Are you looking for something?
- Andy Stitzer: Is there something I should be looking for?
- Beth: We have a lot of books, so maybe it depends on what you like.
- Andy Stitzer: What, um, what do you like?
- Beth: We have a great section of do-it-yourself.
- Andy Stitzer: Do you like to do it yourself?
- Beth: [giggles] Sometimes... if, um, the mood strikes!
- Andy Stitzer: How is the mood striking you now?
- Beth: [they both laugh] What's your name?
- Andy Stitzer: What's your name?
- Beth: I'm Beth.
- Andy Stitzer: Andy.
- Beth: Andy... Don't tell on me, okay Andy?
- Andy Stitzer: I won't... unless you want to be told on, Beth.
- [walks away]
- Jill: Are you Andy?
- Andy Stitzer: Uh... yeah.
- Jill: [holds up Jay's card] Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
- Jay: My girlfriend Jill found *your* speed dating card.
- [raises his eyebrows]
- Andy Stitzer: [Covering] Oh! Yeah... right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card. Thank you so much for bringing it to me.
- Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
- Andy Stitzer: [Stunned] Mmm-hmm... yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.
- Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'".
- Andy Stitzer: [Embarrassed] Yeah, I remember that girl. She was a ho... for sho'.
- Jill: You are never going to meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!
- Andy Stitzer: Who the... Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right? And stop with the inquisition.
- Jill: That's how you talk?
- Andy Stitzer: You know what? I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch! Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man... fuck it!
- Jill: [to Jay] You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
- Jay: I don't hang out with him! I work with him and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself. I don't mess with him, baby. That's not me.
- Andy Stitzer: You should keep your ho on a leash.
- Jay: Oh, bro, I can't let you talk...
- Andy Stitzer: Hey!
- Jay: I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.
- Andy Stitzer: Hey, hey! Bitch's running wild, man.
- Cal: You're gay now?
- David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
- Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this, and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."
- David: [smirks] You're gay for saying that.
- Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
- David: You know how I know you're gay?
- Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
- David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
- Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
- David: You know how I know you're gay?
- Cal: How? 'Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
- David: You know how I know you're gay?
- Cal: How?
- David: You like Coldplay.
- Andy Stitzer: You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.
- David: What?
- Mooj: Life is about people. It's about connections.
- Andy Stitzer: It's all about connections.
- Mooj: It's not about cocks, and ass, and tits.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
- Mooj: And butthole pleasures.
- Andy Stitzer: It's not about butthole pleasures at all.
- Mooj: It's not about these rusty trombones, and these dirty sanchez.
- Andy Stitzer: Please stop.
- Mooj: And these cincinatti bowties, and these pussy juice cocktail, and these shit stained balls.
- Andy Stitzer: Mooj, just please stop.
- David: Hey, Paula.
- Paula: Yeah?
- David: I gotta tell you something. I'm really excited about it. Uh, for the first time today, I woke up, I came to the store, and I feel confident to say to you that if you don't take this Michael McDonald DVD that you've been playing for two years straight off, I'm going to kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain.
- Paula: David, what do you suggest we play?
- David: I don't care. Anything. I would rather... I would rather watch "Beautician and the Beast". I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, but if I hear "Yah Mo B There" one more time, I'm going to "Yah Mo" burn this place to the ground.
- Paula: You're such a smartass. Get back on the floor.
- [Paula walks away]
- David: [cough-mutters] Ah-fuck you!
- David: [to a shirtless Andy, who has an incredibly hairy chest] I love your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?
- Smart Tech Customer: Wait, wait, wait, last thing, last thing. I'm also gonna need that extended warranty on it for the price of... on the house. Hmm?
- Jay: That I can't do...
- Smart Tech Customer: Now, don't be a negro, be my nigga. Help me out.
- Jay: Whoa, whoa, whoa... I ain't nobody's nigga.
- Smart Tech Customer: Well, you somebody's nigga, wearin this nigga tie.
- Jay: Now you're being condescending, see? You've been warned, 'aight? Now, let's move forward amicably.
- Smart Tech Customer: Well, 'aight, check this out, dawg. First of all, you throwin' too many big words at me, and because I don't understand them, I'm gonna take 'em as disrespect. Watch your mouth and help me with the sale.
- Jay: Okay, see... see, now you found yourself a nigga. You was lookin' for a nigga? Nigga here now!
- Andy Stitzer: You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!
- Smart Tech Customer: This shit just got real!
- Jay: What are you gonna do, bitch?
- Smart Tech Customer: I'll tell you what. You know Luca Perry from 20th and 25th?
- Jay: You ever heard of rolling twenties, nigga? Since I was sixteen, nigga, I'm saying "frosty." You know what I'm saying? "Spoon", nigga. We fucked dwarves in the ass!
- Smart Tech Customer: Nigga, this dwarf here don't got to be tall to pull a trigger off in somebody face!
- Andy Stitzer: [walks up quickly] Good afternoon! Good afternoon! Welcome to Smart Tech. What can I help you with?
- Smart Tech Customer: [points at Jay] Is this your boy?
- Jay: Yeah, nigga, we will both mash you! What? What? Where you at?
- Andy Stitzer: Hey, how can we help you, sir?
- Jay: No, no, he don't need no help! He's already been served. I served him. He's taken care of. He's a little slow, but he got it. See, what he thought was he can come up here and make the rules. But now, he see that Jay make the rules at Smart Tech, that I run this bitch, and now he 'bout to bounce!
- Smart Tech Customer: This your boy?
- Jay: Yeah, nigga, that's my boy. We rep the same Smart Tech.
- Smart Tech Customer: [points at Andy] You just got fucked up with him. Both ya'll niggas gonna get clapped up when I get back.
- [pretends to shoot two guns at them]
- Smart Tech Customer: Both ya'll niggas!
- Andy Stitzer: What? What did I do?
- Smart Tech Customer: It don't fucking matter!
- Jay: Yeah, well, aim high, Willis. Aim high!
- Health Clinic Counselor: Now, there are ways of having sex without intercourse. Let's see, there are things like body rubbing or dry humping.
- Andy Stitzer: You could dry hump.
- Health Clinic Counselor: There's masturbation.
- Andy Stitzer: Masturbation. Play with yourself.
- Health Clinic Counselor: Mutual masturbation.
- Andy Stitzer: Play with a friend.
- Waxing Lady: Oh!
- [yells]
- Waxing Lady: We gonna need more wax!
- [pause]
- Waxing Lady: And cancel all my afternoon appointments!
- Cal: [talking about Trish being a grandma] You should fuck her and then have her send you $12 on your birthday.
- Cal: Oh, man, I had a weekend.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah?
- Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
- Cal: You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
- Cal: It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
- Cal: I kinda felt bad for the horse!
- Andy Stitzer: Wow, that's something.
- Cal: So what about you? What did you get up to?
- Andy Stitzer: You know, I just kinda hung out. I was...
- [pause]
- Andy Stitzer: Oh man, Friday, I really wanted an egg salad sandwich and I was just obsessing about it and I was like, 'Man, I'm gonna make one of those.' So Saturday, I went out and got, like, a dozen eggs and then I boiled them all and I just, I spent, I dunno, probably three hours, like three and a half hours making, you know, the mayonnaise, and the onions and paprika and, you know, the necessary accoutrement. And then, by the time I was done, I didn't really feel like like eating it.
- Cal: I can imagine.
- Andy Stitzer: And I didn't have any bread.
- [pause]
- Andy Stitzer: So you know, it was pretty good. It was a good weekend.
- Cal: Sounds pretty awesome.
- Andy Stitzer: Yeah, it was fine.
- Cal: Sounds really fun.
- [pause]
- Cal: Cool... Cool cool.
- Cal: [Andy turns away and Cal mimics blowing his own brains out with a finger pistol]
- [about how he knew the prostitute was really a transvestite]
- Andy Stitzer: She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.
- Andy Stitzer: [defending himself from Trish's comments on him riding a bicycle] Einstein rode a bike!
- Trish: He had a wife, who he fucked, by the way!
- Andy Stitzer: Is it true that if you don't *use* it, you *lose* it?
- Health Clinic Counselor: Is that a serious question?
- Andy Stitzer: No, it wasn't.
- Andy Stitzer: Take your porn with you.
- David: I'm not taking it.
- Andy Stitzer: [following David to the front door] Take your box o' porn!
- David: It's my gift to you.
- Andy Stitzer: No, I don't want it. David it's not... just... just...
- David: [shouting] Andy for the last time, I don't want your giant box of pornography!
- Andy Stitzer: No no no, just- Come on man! So uncool!
- David: No...
- [continues shouting]
- David: Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy!
- [the waxing lady is putting the first coat of wax on Andy's chest]
- Cal: If she starts waxing his pubes, I'm outta here.
- David: [the same Michael McDonald sampler DVD has been playing on all of the television screens for the last two years] If I have to hear "Yamo Be There" one more time, I'm going to "Yamo" burn this place to the ground.
- David: You know how I know that you're gay?
- Cal: How?
- David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
- Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
- David: How?
- Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
- David: You know how I know that you're gay?
- Cal: How?
- David: You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face".
- Cal: That's gay?
- David: [loses his second "Mortal Kombat" match] Goddamn it!
- Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off. And now I'm throwing it at your body.
- [David's character explodes]
- Cal: [shouts] Fuck you!
- David: Aww...
- [while Jay and the Customer are arguing]
- Haziz: Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy, and chance of drive-by.
- Cal: I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-lb guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.
- Paula: Andy. Have you ever heard of the term... 'Fuck Buddy?'
- Andy Stitzer: No... What's that?
- Paula: Well, it's a special... friend... who you fuck.
- Jay: [to Andy, in a bar] All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's a code written in his DNA, says, "Tackle the gazelle." And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says, "Tackle drunk bitches."
- Cal: [of his first thoughts on Andy] I kinda thought you were a serial killer.
- Andy Stitzer: Oh.
- [chuckles]
- Cal: No, I'm serious.
- [about Andy telling Trish he's a virgin]
- Andy Stitzer: What if she laughs at me?
- Cal: Then you punch her in the fucking head.
- Mooj: [talking to a customer] This is a great TV. Nothing beats a plasma.
- Jay: What are you doing? That's my customer.
- Mooj: It certainly is not. When I came upon her, she was unattended
- Jay: No, no, that's my... She was unattended because I went to the back to get the brochure she requested.
- Mooj: I apologize, but it's too late. The transaction is completed.
- Jay: Then you gonna give me half the commission.
- Mooj: You will receive none of the commission.
- Jay: I need to talk to Paula. This is crazy, man!
- Mooj: This is bullshit! Every time I make a sale, you go crying to Paula. How about... how about Jesse Jackson? Oh, Jesse, he needs a call...
- Jay: I'm sick of you poaching my customers.
- Mooj: I'm sick of your crybaby bullshit!
- Jay: You wanna take this shit outside? You wanna just take it outside and just squash it?
- Mooj: Let's stay inside so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I cannot return it until it has spilt blood.
- Jay: Listen to me, listen to me! You are fucking with the wrong nigger.
- Mooj: Hey, hey! You are fucking with the wrong sand nigger, okay?
- Jay: I will hang your old ass by your turban!
- Mooj: [Mooj has a very definite Indian accent] Oh, turban, now! Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, you want a slurpee? You want a slurpee?" Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?
- Jay: All right, man. Calm down, dude! Look... you still covering my shift on Friday or what?
- Mooj: If I can keep this commission... with pleasure.
- Jay: Cool, man. All right, pops.
- [They hug; Jay leaves]
- Cal: Here's what you do. You tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit, okay? Here, tell me. Tell me. This is how it's gonna go. Tell me.
- Andy Stitzer: I'm a virgin.
- Cal: Sweet! I like that because I know you don't have... chlamydia. I *know* that. I mean, that shit is everywhere.
- Smart Tech Customer: [points to a TV playing a Michael McDonald DVD] If I get the set, will you throw in the DVD?
- David: Tell you what. You *don't* get the set and I'll throw in the DVD.
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